Why can't I cope with 2 small children without feeling like my head is about to explode?

[AboutToGoBang]

Would love to hear any advice/support, I feel like I am about to go loopy soon...sorry it's long.

Have 2 DCs, one is 9 months, and the other nearly 3 and in the constant-questions stage. I don't really have it that bad compared to many, have got a DH who is pretty good when he is here (though his work hours have recently increased, so he is out from 7am-6pm weekdays now, and I have to do all the getting up etc alone) and I do get a bit of child-free time - gran has them both for a few hours most weeks (though not every week as she is sometimes away, like this week), and DS is in childcare 1 day a week too, so then I just have baby. But I still end up being driven completely mad when I have them both on my own all day, or especially when it's a few days in a row...

I used to try to get out every day and ideally meet friends (or at least people...) which helped, but this is getting harder now; a lot of friends are back at work or have kids in childcare on different days, so there is often nobody around to meet. I still try to get out to toddler groups and things, but it is always hard work as it takes ridiculously long to get everyone ready and fed in the morning, and DS always says he doesn't want to go anywhere and is totally uncooperative about getting ready, even though he generally enjoys it when we do get out (and then says he doesn't want to go home, typical). It is like pulling teeth though... I am usually up at 7 (at latest) but it still takes us till quarter to 9 to even start breakfast, and then often nearly another hour to finish it(!). And the snow this week is just making it harder to get out.

This morning was typical, I had to nag DS constantly before he would get dressed and then finish his breakfast, he has been "why-ing" and whinging at me all morning, I didn't manage to get everyone into the car until 10.15 to get to a group that starts at 10.30 and is about 20 minutes' drive away, and then I still needed to clear the snow away from the wheels so I could get the car moving, which there was obviously not time for by then, so I had to give up. So now we are stuck here at least all morning, and as it's started snowing again now (and it's very hard to push the double buggy in this snow) probably all afternoon too - and possibly tomorrow as well [cabin fever emoticon].

I just want to know how I can get less infuriated by the whole thing, and stop getting so mad with DS especially - I would never hit him or anything, but keep ending up yelling at him and just being generally grouchy and horrible (and upsetting the baby too).

But I just get so frustrated with all the climbing/leaning/rubbing on me, the endless questions, the whining (DS likes to pretend to be the baby... jealousy I guess? though he tends to get most of the attention anyway as she is quite good-natured), the way all the mundane rubbish like DS going to the loo or getting dressed takes hours, having to watch DD like a hawk (she is just getting mobile so keeps trying to eat everything, pulling up everywhere and then falling over and screaming, etc), not being able to get anything done, even having to plan going to the loo like a military operation now, as my periods have come back so I have to somehow try and get there without DS following me as I can't stand all the inevitable questions ("what's that red stuff mummy? What are you doing? WHY?").

I am starting to think I am just not cut out for being a mum at all, and to look forward to going back to work (I am on mat leave now, but going back part-time in a few months); but I do love them really and would like to be able to enjoy and make the most of spending this time with them. But instead I too often end up feeling like I either need to shout, swear, throw something breakable, or have a good cry (none of which I should be doing in front of the kids, of course...). Any thoughts on how to keep my temper, enjoy them more, get things to run a bit more smoothly, and generally be a nicer and less head-exploded mummy?

Its so hard isn't it of have a memory I all 4 of us sitting on sofa crying it went like this.

DS2 was about 3 months old and cried all the time anyway

DS1 was 3 just woken up from a nap and was in a foul horrible mood and crying

DD was 9 was home from school for some reason DS1 told her he hated her when he woke up she started crying

Honestly it was hell and I was crying too all of us on the sofa!

My youngest is now almost 3 and its alot easier now the older ones are at school. But even now I have many down days when I just hate being a SAHM and want to escpae this crap.. Its very lonely I find.

You are doing a great job and having 2 DC's of that age is f-ing hard work cut yourself some slack and think its only a few months till you can have dinner and a coffee break in peace!

that should say I have a memory ... I proof read as well

I'm at home with 2 also. Mine are older 2 and 4 now. The 4 year old is in pre-school a few mornings a week.

My first advice is to have breakfast first. What are you doing for almost 2 hours before you all eat? I find children much easier to deal with if them (and I) are fed.

I feed first, wash, dress etc after. DD1 tends to be difficult to deal with first thing in the morning but no bother once she has something nutritious in her. Porridge is very quick and mine love to sit at the table adding their milk and honey themselves. It buys me enough time for a quick cuppa.

you're finding it hard because it's hard.

that's why. it's not because you aren't capable.

IME they are bloody hard work. My dc's are noisy little Genghis Kahns so everything is a challenge. The snow does make it hard . You can't control tantrums, last minute nappy changes, big messes, illnesses etc and they all add up to chaos (or is that just our house?)

I organise the night before, have the week planned ahead but something always sends it tits up; then it's downhill until my mum comes to the rescue.

And it's not a crime to be late for toddler group, I have never been on time for toddler group TBH. But somehow we have always been on time for DS's music / swimming.

Can you not nag your DS about breakfast? Just tell him (he's old enough to know what the drill is by now), save your energy and leave him for 30 mins or so and tell him it will be taken away if he doesn't eat it. A couple of days of fiddling around and missing out might make him take more notice of you.

I try to tell 4yo DS that he needs to get his clothes on and if they're not on we're going without him. It usually results in a tantrum but I crack on with getting 2yo DD ready and DS tends to realise he's not going to win and gets dressed. TBH I wish I could always remember to tell him what needs to be done and ignore the resulting meltdown then we might achieve a bit more

Sorry got interrupted during my last post.

Don't beat yourself up so much. It is a difficult job. As I say to DH 'If it was as easy as a lot of people think it is childminders would work for free '

Small children are incredibly frustrating and spending too much time without adult company can be very isolating.

It IS hard! I have been working in really stressful, highflying jobs in many countries, but find that nothing is as hard as looking after 2 small children.

What helps on the days I have both DD's at home is to take it easy in the morning. Start by greeting them with a happy "good morning", big smiles, kisses and hugs (even if I could happily have slept for another 2 hours).

And then let them set the pace. Read books, eat breakfast in nightwear, play what they want etc. for at least ½-1 hour. Then everyone is in a good mood and woken up properly and we can get on with things and get out of the house.

And if you need a break, there is always the square babysitter :). It's a difficult time, don't fret about them watching a bit.

In the hours you have childfree time I would suggest you do something that YOU want to do for yourself. Watching daytime telly doesn't really make you feel as good as going for a run or whatever it is that you would really like to do.

Hope it gets easier for you soon!

jajas it was a good bit of council from my Maths teacher..applies to many things in life when you are struggling: remind yourself it is ok to struggle with something difficult.

It is difficult, but it does get easier. I agree with the poster that said do breakfast first as children tend to be a lot less whingy once they have been fed. Also having breakfast before getting dressed means that any spills on clothes don't matter they can go straight in the washing machine which means the children are cold (no clothes on) and have to run unpstairs to get dressed.

My dd's are 7 and 5 and know not to bother me until I have finished my first cup of tea in the morning. I still have flashbacks of how bad it used to be as dd2 does not like braingym at school so is currently refusing to get dressed in the morning so that we are late and she misses it!!!dd1 is not impressed as she can't wait to get to school so she gets out everybodies hats/coats/shoes and bags ready so that when I get dd2 downstairs we can go straight out.

Edgar was SO right. Have 3yr old and 19 month.

Practical question first before empathy: W/could you consider DS doing 2 mornings instead of one complete day? Does he still nap?

I work PT, but home with them Thur, Fridays and often wends too due to OH work.
Sometimes I find if I ASK too much about what DS would like to do, I'm met with resistance or not wanting CBBC turned off etc...but tried just last week to do the 'turning into a game thing' and made out that we had to get to the car for our 'special car adventure' and went way OTT, but that got everyone in the car for us just to go to a kidadjility class that we soemtimes go to - we hadn't been for about a month cos of DS complaining about it, but by the time we got there he was happy to do it.
Also, wrote down 3 choices on a bit of paper, made him choose the bit of paper with that day's 'activity' on it. He got terribly excited about that option.

I always find it easier to be out, even if they both have a meltdown. Wandering round any inside space can be god, if she's OK to be in buggy...?! In weather like this, did a lot of museums, garden centres etc...but not shopping, just wandering, but of course, depends on your location.

How much does DS 'help' getting his own breakfast? Does he have TV with it? As in, no TV til breakfast is at least in front of him kinda thing? Also, if DS was taking too long and younger one was fed, then he'd have to have breakfast 'on the go'.

Read somewhere - and it really stuck with me, that regards all the 'why' questions - under 4 or something, unless the answer specifies a reason or a purpose then they can't comprehend it, it'll be unsatisfactory for them and that they'l keep asking. (Might sound obvious to some, but I didn't know this!)
So for us, it used to go like this:
DS: Why?
ME: Just because/we're going to be late/that's what it does/that's what it's called etc...
NOW, it's much more of a:
DS: WHY? (Do I have to get dressed? for example)
ME: So that Mr Tummy is all warm (don't actually say that but y'know) so that he doesn't get cold so that we can get in the car and then go and jump about.

Shit example, but am sure you get my drift.

It's super hard. I posted recently about 'those mornings' where all I seem to do is shout and harrass my DS and it's so depressing and I end up hating myself for hours.
Will be watching this one with interest.

It gets easier as they get older it really does.

You've answered your question in your title. YOU HAVE TWO SMALL CHILDREN.

At your stage I once started a thread saying it was like swimming uphill through custard.

And now they are nine and seven and really aquite civilised .

"Swimming uphill through custard"

yes, that's the one.

(DD1 is 3, and DD2 5 weeks).

I have ds 4 and dd 17 months and I am struggling at the moment

I am ill, we have knee high snow and ds pre school is shut. I have felt like crying all day and am relying on TV too much. However I have good days as well and then I think being a mum is lovely.

I find it is a rollercoster of emotions. I am encouraged to hear some of you say it is tough as some people seem to make it look easy

I have a 4.2 yo DD and a 2.6 yr old DS (the latter probably with ASD).

My fridge freezer that we have had for 1 year 4 mths (12 mth guarantee obviously) has just packed up.

All my food is in the garden.

I need a shower.

I sooooo sympathise.

I think all my organs are going to explode.

I should probably point out life does not become automatically straightforward when they're bigger, though. I flushed my mobile down the loo yesterday.

Why questions - if they are reasonale questions I will answer to the best of my ability. If they are ones you go through every day then I either say "why do you think?" or "you know why" or if they are ery silly ones like "dont eat the hair brush?" "whyyy?" and so I throw the question back "is it food?" "no" "well then we dont eat it."

not sure how its taking so long to get out? I 'd do up, cuddles, straight to breakfast. then dressed after (less mess) and let them play while you get ready.

Wow, lots of replies, thank you! It is making me feel a bit better to hear that other people are (or have been) in the same boat.

To answer some of the questions:
Pipkin no DS doesn't nap at all any more, ever - that is part of the problem, all the bits of "easier" time I used to have (his nap, DH being home at 5ish, DS's occasional lie-ins) have gone! Now he is always "on", DH back much later, and DD always wakes early even if DS doesn't...

We have actually decided to ramp up his nursery to 1 1/2 days very soon, mainly so he gets more company his own age now that we are not managing to meet friends so much. And after Christmas he will get his free nursery entitlement so we will increase it a bit more then ready for me going back to work. So at least that will help.

Re breakfast and getting up - I know this is one of our worst times (esp when I am tired from being up with DD who is teething/full of cold atm), and you are right that it helps to get breakfast earlier. The reason I started doing it this way round was that I was finding it so hard to get everyone back upstairs for me to shower, dress DS etc once we had gone down for breakfast - so we still ended up late. So I started insisting we got dressed first so that I could use breakfast as an incentive - no weetabix until clothed! But maybe it's time to experiment again with the other way round, after all things do change as they get older, and DS often doesn't seem in much hurry for breakfast lately. Only trouble is if we stay in PJs till after breakfast, I can't use going out as the incentive for dressing as DS will just say he doesn't want to go out anyway...

At the moment routine goes something like this - feed DD (up to 15 mins), nappy/dress her, have my shower and get me ready. DS usually wakes at some point and hangs around, but won't usually do much getting ready except for having a wee. If I am on my own I can get me showered and ready in under 30 mins... but with them both it takes quite a bit longer as I keep having to catch DD/stop DS messing with my toiletries/stop DD trying to eat my pants, etc etc... So by this time it is probably at least 8am but often later.

Then have to get DS dressed, but he has all these silly rituals and obsessions at the minute - throws a strop if I choose his pants for him, but if I ask him to choose he stares at them for 10 minutes then wanders off (bum hanging out) to do something else. He always wants one particular type of pants (must be right colour AND right picture on), but only has one pair like that as they all come in mixed sets, so when that pair is in the wash he goes into a turmoil of indecision... he is also perfectly capable of dressing himself, but usually won't actually do it as he likes to play the baby. So it all takes a while... I refuse to let him eat breakfast with his willy out (he tends to take off his PJs when he goes to the loo...) but might have to settle for getting him to put them back on and then dress properly after breakfast.

I do use TV when things are particularly bad, but DS is not that fussed about it really so we don't have it on very much, don't see any point letting him get hooked if he hasn't so far! But I will use it when necessary (think it is going on soon, as he is climbing all over me while I try to type!).

Still haven't managed to get out today, I have given up as the snow is just too deep for car or double buggy (and DS can't walk in it, just keeps falling over). Am just hoping it will melt a bit before tomorrow, I agree with everyone who said things are much easier when you can get out! We did an "obstacle course" round the lounge this afternoon to try and burn off some excess energy, not sure it has worked though... finding things that will occupy both DS and DD at the same time is often one of my problems when we stay home.

i know how you feel i have 3 dcs 9,3 and 1.it is terribly hard and i am exhausted every day,my ds is at the whingy, moany why,why,why stage too!

the best i can manage is to try and play a game with him when baby has a nap and then he seems to be better after a bit of attention and less whiny and in times of desperation (when i need the loo!) cbeebies goes on for ds and the baby goes in the playpen with a few toys so i know shes safe!

Oh and the questions - with DS I think it is a mixture of things. He really DOES love learning about things, and I've noticed if it is something very new or complicated for him, he will ask me to "tell him about" the same thing over and over again until he feels like he has "got" it (and then moves onto something else). At the moment I keep having to tell him about St. Nicholas/Father Christmas, for example, or about the difference between a space rocket and space shuttle (from a book he likes). I don't really mind answering these ones, except if it is at a really bad time, and if so I usually tell him I can't talk just now but will answer them for him later. Which sometimes works.

But at other times, he does do it just for attention or even deliberately to wind me up I think, and that's more often when he gets into the really "silly" questions, or the "but why?" to everything you say. If I think he is just doing that, I can sometimes head him off by making it into a game - "why mummy?" "why DS?", or the famous "Because!". But that doesn't always stop him asking more...

Sympathy to roseability and youtalking and everyone else still struggling as well!

I totally feel your pain, I have 3 DC under 6 and have found it very heavy going.

Practical things that might help your routine -

as others have said, breakfast first in pjs, don't feel the need to sit with them and fuss over DS, maybe use this time to make yourself a cup of coffee / put your makeup on / whatever. Don't let it last an hour, 20 minutes then the bowl goes away.

don't get involved in the endless decision making process over pants. Either scrap it totally, you choose the outfit (pref the night before) and physically dress him into it, dealing with the tantrum. At least it will be done in 5 minutes rather than an hour of pants agonising.

Instead of having a shower in the morning could you have a bath / shower in the evening? then you can actually enjoy it in peace and it frees up your morning.

I always put my DD (9 months) in her high chair with some toys when I'm showering / hair drying etc. And DS2 is left in front of a DVD (he is a bit older though, 3y2m). That way no one is trying to eat my pants.

get out of the house if you can, when DD was tiny I would regularly arrive at toddler group an hour late. I didn't even enjoy toddler group that much, but generally felt a lot better for getting out.

when being driven mad by endless hugging / climbing / rubbing etc I would turn it around, give DS a massive OTT hug with a million kisses etc. It will generally have the effect of making me feel affectionate rather than resentful, and will also have the effect of filling DS up with love/attention and might mean he will bugger off for 10 minutes before pestering me again!

Good luck with it, some days are just hellish, especially when you are stuck in.

It is hard work and you need the patience of a saint (unfortunately I do not have this so I just have to do my best.....with a lot of inaudible muttered swearing to release tension!). Go easy on yourself, remind yourself that they will grow up pretty quick (it's a LOT easier once they start school....even just the first one being at school!). In the meantime reward yourself with treats wherever you can for making it through each day!