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Original poster

Anyone given up a fab job to be SAHM?

41 replies

fairyteapot · 27/11/2010 21:06

Help. I have 3 ds's (5, 4 and 2). Since they came along I have kept my career going a bit by working part time (generally 2 days per week) and freelance, with lots of time off (eg. 3months in Summer etc) which was great. The freelance stuff dried up over summer, I panicked, got a FT job (4 in office, one day from home), thought it'd be fine but I'm in pieces. Told myself that now DS1 at school and DS2 starting school in September, would be fine etc. Don't have any of the usual hassles as have great nanny who does all of housework too.

But, I cry myself to sleep, wake up in the morning depressed. The other day I even fantasised about having a critical illness so I wouldn't have to work.

I have a fantastic job. Loads of cash, very senior, everything I ever (thought) I wanted. But all I think about is how my DS's are only small once and that I just want to be there to pick up and drop off at nursery for DS2 (he does 3 hours a day), and to be at home with DS3 who is a gorgeous, edible 2 year old, and to collect DS1 from school. I also feel that I want to devote my energies to them, teaching them, loving them, rather than whoring myself for profit.

We can manage just about manage on one salary (for a bit), and I could pick up bits of freelance work (that's another thing - since I started full time quite a bit of freelance stuff that I can't now do has come in typically!!!).

Just looking for reassurance - SAHMs to tell me what I think I know. The kids are the most important job, if you have the choice you'd be mad to outsource the kids and work instead.

OP posts:

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MakemineaGandT · 27/11/2010 21:09

I did (though didn't really enjoy my job all that much anyway). I love being at home with my boys - can't imagine any other way really. I will enjoy going back to work one day in the future though. If you can afford it, go for it. Sounds as though you have pretty much decided......

bigchris · 27/11/2010 21:09

Could you do 2.5 days?
I wouldn't give it up
think when they're older you'll need your career
the job sounds great

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 21:11

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londontipton · 27/11/2010 21:16

Yes I did give up a great job in the City 9 years ago to be a SAHM and I don't regret a second of it.

Both DDS are now at school (just) and am thinking of training as a holistic therapist.....a world away from the path I had forged for myself 15 years ago but I am very happy....

Follow your gut instinct OP

Alouiseg · 27/11/2010 21:24

I gave up a great job that I loved 14 years ago.

If in had my time again I'd make the same decision without hesitation.

hillyhilly · 27/11/2010 21:29

I think you already know what will be the right thing for you to do.
I gave up a fantastic, but all-consuming job that I really enjoyed to be a SAHM and have never regretted it, I do not get bored, I do not spend my days shopping (often!), I do not inhabit the gym, I am not some helicopter mother who smothers her children - I am extremely happy and totally guilt free!!
FWIW I am convinced that we are all in better health for it, I cook good food every day and we are all less stressed.

Original poster

fairyteapot · 27/11/2010 21:30

thank you all. Deep breath required I think for the S*it storm I'll face when I hand notice in after 4 weeks. It's clear to me (and was from day 3) that the job is in no way compatible with me being a mum (in the way I want to be mum) to my 3 DSs.

A good friend is a SAHM, and whenever I go to her place, her girls are so content - they have friends over etc and it just seems so right. I know it won't be a bed of roses, but I also know that it'll be right for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

fairyteapot · 27/11/2010 21:30

DH would rather I continue to earn a ton of cash but that's another thread. I can handle him!

OP posts:

bigchris · 27/11/2010 21:31

Ooh I'm a lone voice

is dh supportive of you giving up because if not the money worries can cause relationship problems
if you do have any worries on that front.

bigchris · 27/11/2010 21:32

An crossed posts

Original poster

fairyteapot · 27/11/2010 21:33

And hillyhilly I really hear what you say about being able to cook nice food - I'm sure in Dh's mind it'd make up for less money. I hate being snappy with the kids because I'm tired and stressed. I've loved the long periods I've spent with them before and agree I won't get bored. I find my boys fascinating!

OP posts:

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 21:34

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Georgimama · 27/11/2010 21:34

I spy trouble ahead for you, OP. You can handle your DH I'm sure - but can he handle being the only wage earner? Is that fair on him?

Original poster

fairyteapot · 27/11/2010 21:35

hi bigchris - I do appreciate your comments - my DH as been like a spring lamb since I went back. Is the choice to be me happy and fulfilled and him stressed out? Oh god. I think if I'm able to do bits and pieces of freelance he'll be ok. We'll be saving 2k on a nanny so in fact I don't need to bring in much and we're automatically better off. Have been getting stuck in a trap.

OP posts:

LBsmum · 27/11/2010 21:37

I gave up a fantastic job, earning the most I had ever earned, most senior ever been.

Being a SAHM has its bad days, phisically and emotionally very demanding, but I don't regret leaving work for one moment, I simply couldn't bear not to be with my children for these few short, precious and formative years till they go to school.

I firmly believe that you won't be on your deathbed wishing you worked harder, you will be wishing you spent more time with the ones you love.

I might be on my second Baileys, but all this is true

Georgimama · 27/11/2010 21:40

It's true provided your husband is always willing, able, and there to provide for your family so that you can be a SAHM.

I have no expectation that my husband would ever be anything other than there, willing and able, but then so did my mother and she's been divorced for 20 years. And one of her friends whose husband died at 36. On the basis that shit can and does happen to someone and I could easily be that someone, I prefer to be able to provide.

ShanahansRevenge · 27/11/2010 21:41

I did! I never went back at all though I planned to. When it came to the crunch I couldn't leave DD1 so I didn't.

If you're as unhappy as you sound then bugger it! You only live once (I think) so why not do as you want?

I never regret it at all...I love being here with them, I love picking DD up from school....walking there with them both and don't care if I can't afford a car....I think it's a good swap.

Gangle · 27/11/2010 21:45

Fairyteapot, I am in the same position as you. I love my job and it's really well paid (110k p.a) but I feel like it's going to break my heart to leave my DSs (2.8 and 8 months) and go back to work (currently on maternity leave). I also feel like I am being greedy as we could live off DH"s salary, just, but I also love the job and would be unlikely to find another one like it. Just hoping to make a flexible working request to reduce to 4 days including one from home and will see how that goes. If I feel like you then I would have to give it up or reduce my hours significantly. However, I find being at home full time quite stressful and think the children might actually be better off having someone else look after them for a few days. I get really frazzled and worn down by it and probably do less with them than a good nanny or nursery would. However, there is always a tiny voice inside me saying that children are best off with their parents and that they are tiny for such a short time that you should do anything possible to be with them during that time. I never really know how to answer that voice! I also think it's a lot easier to decide to be a SAHM if you don't like your job. Lots of people go on about how they have given up their job to be a SAHM when they never liked their job in the first place so it's not really a sacrifice, unless of course you need to work for financial reasons, as many do. For me it would be a no brainer.

Gangle · 27/11/2010 21:51

Fairyteapot, read your post again - could you make a flexible working request to reduce your hours and do 3 or 4 days? I think there is a balance to be struck. You don't have to be a SAHM to do many of the things you want to do with the LOs. I also love picking up DS1 from nursery (he's been doing a few mornings whilst I've been on maternity leave) but keep telling myself that I can still do this if I work 4 days.

PamelaFlitton · 27/11/2010 21:52

You know, children grow up. What are you going to do in 10 years time? Do you think you will resent the fact that you are unlikely to ever earn that much again or get as much respect from other people? How will you feel having to start from scratch? Are you really OK with doing without some luxuries etc? What if your DH left you (not because of this decision but in general), could you afford to support yourself in a separate home with only part of his salary?

Personally I would never do what you are contemplating doing, but if you can answer all those questions positively then it's up to you. If we work in the same sector maybe I will get your job!

bubaluba · 27/11/2010 22:11

I think it depends on your industry, if you can freelance and keep up your contacts, you could go back to work in a few years?

Think carefully about flexible working at a semior level, will you actually get a reduced workload or will you end up working 5 days for 4 days salary?

Roo83 · 28/11/2010 08:21

I didn't give up a great job as such,I'd just started out in my career. Worked 3 years to get my degree and then started my first job....really enjoyed it,lots of travel,lots of exciting prospects,I was very career focused. Decided to have kids as my dp is quite a bit older than me,but I was going to go back to work. However,within 3 months I'd decided I ds was my life and I'd never get those precious years back with him. I'm now a sahm with ds 2.5 and dd 3mnths and absolutely love it. I'm in the very lucky position that we could afford for me not to work and I'm happy. My career will always be there to go back to,but my kids won't be. I love the fact we spend so much time together and can go for days out whenever we like-it's also easy for me as I can focus on them completely instead of being pulled in different directions

INeedALieIn · 28/11/2010 08:44

I gave up a great job but am not the best mum so quite often felt envious of DH being able to escape and have no responsibility for a whole day. (responsibility yes, but nobody is going to die if he gets it wrong).

For the past 6 years I have been self employed, allows me to work and drop off/pick up/take swimming...and catch up work on an evening.

The down side is the whole house/food/shopping is left to me,all childcare, and I somewhere need to fit in a full time job.

Hard work - but I wouldn't change it!

dikkertjedap · 28/11/2010 11:27

Yes, I gave up Director's job to look after dd. I have not the slightest doubt that this decision has been the best for dd. I am highly educated,highly qualified, so it is not surprising that she directly benefits of all my skills and that I would be hard pushed to find a child carer who could teach her these things equally well. Arrogant? Maybe, but also the truth in my view. DD loves it that I am home, help out at her school, that she can always invite friends to come and play, etc. The price we pay is an enormous drop in income (and pension in future). But then again I wanted a child, so that is the price I pay. I do miss my job sometimes, but it is also lovely to have all these 'firsts' with dd, to see how well she does, to see how well she has adapted to school life where peers with working parents tend to be a lot more stressed and have problems settling (I help in school and I see how hard it is for parents to have to quickly drop off and then quickly go to work so not be too late, kids feel this and we have to console a lot of them when the parents quickly leave, especially the very little ones, it is really sad). Also, the school provides wrap around care, so there are lots of kids from working parents who are dropped off at 07.00, get breakfast at school, get lunch at school (hot lunch) and get dinner at school. To me it seems awful that these kids never have a family meal during the week. In Holidays a lot of them are at school as well. To me this seems a very high price to pay for the kids. My employer did not allow part-time working, so for me was the choice an all consuming job with lots of travel or SAHM. I am happy with my decision, happy because it is best for dd.

Onetoomanycornettos · 28/11/2010 19:02

If you are looking for a life change, and can afford it, why not? There are disadvantages, namely that you may not get that job again and what seems too much when they are two, may be ideal when they are at full-time school. But if you genuinely feel it's 'whoring yourself for profit' or whatever, then I wouldn't look back. Personally I love my job and so not working and staying home all the time is not tempting, I have been a SAHM and perhaps I was just doing it wrong, but I found it slighly boring (not my daughter, but all the social things and the housework). If I hated my work, I would just leave and find a better life-work balance.

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