Just what do I do with him?

[Rhubarb]

Trying this now in the Parenting topic. Ds is 20 months old and is often a little ball of fury. We give him lots of attention, but when we have to do things like cooking or shopping, he goes absolutely nuts! Now his latest trick is to refuse to feed himself at mealtimes, he shakes his head and screams at us. If we feed him then he'll eat, but if we stop he screams and goes into a paddy, he scream for his cup, but then throw it on the floor, and then scream for it again, and do the same thing. He tries to throw everything he can reach on the floor. He's tipped chairs up on himself in his rage. Then when he quietens we try again, but still he refuses to feed himself and will paddy all over again. Funnily enough he'll feed himself his yoghurt.

We've tried ignoring him, we've tried getting him down from the table, but his paddies just go on and on and it disrupts ours and dd's mealtime.

He's also a vicious little git, he'll try to bite and kick and scream and punch. Please help us deal with him!

Has he been doing this long, sweetie?

The eating thing? About 4 days now. The Little Demon thing, since he came out 20 months ago!

Bumpity bump!

Hey

Just saw your thread in chat! Sorry I don't have any advice, as I have not had that experience.

So bump, someone help Rhubarb!

I was just wondering, I don't think you said? Do you ever punish him? I don't if he is too young, my dd is only 17 months and I don't know if she would understand the concept! Have that to come....

I don't know if he is too young

No, we don't. We try the ignoring thing, not giving him attention when he is bad, and giving him attention when he is good, but this isn't working. When he fights, I say a very firm 'no' and take him away, but again this has little effect.

He is still fairly young, I suspect he is testing his boundaries and your patience, stick to the rules you want in place and he should soon get the picture It will be hard for a while, but well worth it in the long run.

My dts (22months) are doing similair things, I stick to the rules and it phases out fairly quickly.

Do you have a younger child? as this could explain his behaviour.

I thought not. Too young really, sorry I have no more advice... it seems you are doing what it is generally reccommended.

Maybe it is just a case of riding out the storm (sorry!), what I have noticed with my dd is that almost everything, good or bad, tends to be a phase!

Have you tried taking his food away for 5 minutes when he refuses to eat.

Little boys are demons!!! Didn't you know that Rhubarb??

I too have problems with my DS although mine is a little older (3) we think its purely attention seeking when his sister is around because when she is not there his behaviour is so much better. Other times we think he just gets bored very quickly and if he can't get DD's attention will disrupt anything she is doing.

Not sure if this is good advice for you but it sounds like it could be attention seeking thing.

Definitely attention seeking, I agree with that! If we take his food away for 5 mins, he just throws an even bigger paddy and ends up hurting himself.

His is better without his bigger sister, but it is so hard for her. She is so placid and gentle and plays so well with him, she cannot understand why he pulls her hair, rips her books, scratches her face, bites her, hits her with toys etc. I can on her little face that she gets so upset . For her sake I just want to calm him down, but feel I'm getting nowhere.

hello rhubarb
i feel like i know you having read so many of your posts and i saw your thread about the lack of parenting advice on the site these days so came looking for you!
my dd is 2.10 and has been an incredibly challenging little b*gger since about 10 months. She is, thank god, also starting to be a joy now, but I do get a sense of where you're at. I too have had some absolute nightmare days when she wouldn't eat - they weren't noisy days but she would just stop eating when she was really unhappy or unsettled, or both. Basically, my cm sorted it out for me! She just wouldn't put up with it, and because there were other children around who were getting all the treats and all the attention whenever she was naughty, my dd eventually came around. My cm won't put up with half the behaviour we get at home, and my dd knows it and behaves differently there.
It might be a case of just having to front it out with him - letting him scream and scream and scream - or of trying to distract him in some way when he revs up,although it does sound as though you've tried most things. I find my dd's behaviour is worst when it is just me and her.
I'd try truly ignoring him for as long as it takes (don't give in), or time out in his bedroom for 2 minutes when he behaves badly (he's nearly 2 so he might go for it), or trying to feed him with other children (possibly slightly older - something to aspire to).
As far as the biting, etc is concerned, I just don't have that - dd goes in her room for 2 minutes if she deliberately and maliciously hits me. Doesn't happen very often but it is absolutely unacceptable here. Also, just thought of something else, when he does something you don't like, say 'I don't like that behaviour' and look away. Dd soon got the message when I started that one!

aah rhubarb alos saw your post in chat having read this then not replied.

Well my first thought was that I think ds3(8 months) is going to be just like this. He was born knowing what he wanted and is cross if he doesn't get it. he's soooo different from my other 2 as babies. I didn't post earlier because I'm not confident enough about ds3 yet to post using him as an example iyswim.

I suspect you may have ot sit out the screaming, equally I suspect he could be stubborn enough for that not to work. Maybe keep the peace until he's big enough to bribe?

So let him throw an even bigger paddy, he is only testing to see if you bring the food back, try to ignore the tantrum and when he is done bring his food back in. Not easy I know.

Lalaa, it's kinda spooky you saying you've read all my posts and me never having heard of you!!! You're not a stalker are you?

We've done the ignoring thing for 2 days now, taking his food away and not giving it him back, so this morning he was ravenously hungry which made me feel bad. I've tried walking away from his tants too, but that seems to suit him just fine, especially in the supermarket when I'll go back to find him trying to open all the boxes on the shelves or rolling jars of pasta sauce on the floor!

I still think that at 20 months he's too young to be punished as such, and he still is such a baby, he doesn't talk yet (about 4 words) and he's so clumsy still, he's forever bumping his head. I think he gets so frustrated by his limitations, and I want to help him rather than punish him.

He does sound incredibly like my DS though Rhubarb!!! He is absolutely terrible to DD sometimes and I too feel sorry for her but then I feel sorry for him because he only wants to play with her and she's not interested and so he smacks/sometimes bites/pulls her hair!!! Sometimes you just don't know which way to go with it!!!!

If she is playing out he always wants to know where she is and then follows her around the house, sometimes she will play with but other times she just finds him incredibly childish and this is when his bad behaviour starts!!!

Rhubarb- he does sound like ds3 - who was furious when he couldn't sit up and wanted to, and is now furious that he can't quite crawl properly.. He's really cross when he can't master a skill, then when he gets it he's happy for a few days before moving onto the next target.

Posted this on your other thread, but I'll stick it on this one as well :

Another thing you could try - do you eat with the kids? We had a similar problem with dd2 and she became a lot better when DH was off for a week and we ate together as a family every day. He wouldn't need to be attention seeking if you were sitting next to him and you wouldn't be able to feed him because you'd be eating yourself. Just a thought.

And of course, it's a phase. Bl**dy trying one though.

Perhaps they need toddlers of their own age to play with more often? Ds goes to the creche 3 times a week now for half a day each time, he's fine at the creche but sometimes he'll be naughtier than ever when he comes back and I sometimes wonder if it's doing him any good. Especially as he hates going! He's so clingy, I always thought the second child was better in this way, and boys too, but he is just soooo clingy and demanding!

Yeah we do, I insist upon it. I keep repeating that in my head "It's just a phase, it's just a phase"! They have no idea what they do to us!

DD2 is around the 16month makrk and has started similar nonsense. We will pick things up a couple of times and then game over- she is taken down from the table and left to get on with it. This normally results in her screaming and hanging of either me or DH whilst we try to finish our meal. DD1 is 5 so we feel we have to continue with mealtimes as normal and so just try and do the best we can.

Tantrums when out will result in her being tucked under an adults arm (to stop the wanton vandalisim) and carried to the car.

I believe it is communication thing as she is trying so hard to speak now - probably has about 10 clear words if that - but still strongly feel she needs to learn that such behaviour is not acceptable. Fully agree too young to punish.

so all in all in the same boat but can't really help you sorry.

We do eat together and DD2 goes to Nursery (where there are no reports of similar behaviour) so not sure if that reall makes a difference.

Nice not to feel alone though Gomez, thanks!