Adoption-when/how do I start to tell?

[Jacque]

My very first message so here goes - we have adopted both our children as babies. Our son is now 2.5 and we were thinking we should start to introduce the idea of adoption to him, very casually obviously. We thought about doing a little book with lots of photos - foster mum, an excited mum & dad etc. He hasn't mentioned anything about where do babies come from so are we starting too early, or can you not start too early? Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated and since this is my very first time I hope I get lots of replies!

Firstly welcome!

As with every decision, it depends on the child, but I think that you're doing the right thing by introducing before school. My first son was chatting quite merrily by this stage (and we had had another child too), so this sort of discussion came about quite naturally. My second son is a late talker so I can't imagine having the same discussions with him yet. (They're not adopted but they are IVF, so we have talked about how they are special to us). But I think that it is right to introduce it as part of the story of who he is. If you keep it natural thoruhg photos of family etc, then there will be no sudden adjustment later on.

I think the current feeling is that children should be told as early as possible, but in a manner that they'll understand. The book sounds a lovely idea. Have you talked to organisations like BAAF?

I think the book sounds good. I would just talk about it as though it were an everyday thing..some mummies can have babies some cant. Some are special and get chosen blaa blaa blaa... I have adopted friends and they just knew. No one had an issue with it. in fact we all wanted to be adopted!!!

I am adopted and so is my brother. For as long as I can remember I have always known about being adopted. I even remember bragging at school about having 2 mummies. Because the adoption has always been open in our family, there has been no stigma attached or a shock of finding out when a teenager etc. I can't advise you how to talk to a 2.5 year old about this, but making it open and honest is the best thing in my experience.

SIL is going through the adoption process at the moment and they will be given a scrapbook with photos in that they can add to. I think the idea is to just have it around the house with other books making it an everyday object, nothing out of the ordinary IYSWIM, and let any questions just come as and when.

my bf has an adopted son & they have an adoption day as well as birthday for him, so not only is it v. open but celebrated with everybody too. he is very proud about it

My ds is 15 months and he came to us at 10 1/2 months. We still go and visit his foster family every 4 or 5 weeks and we have a life story book with photos from when he was with them. We also talk to him about how much he has changed since he came to live with us or about things that happened when he first came even though he doesn't understand yet.

Did you adopt from the UK? If so perhaps you could get photos of places that he was before he came to you, eg the hospital were he was born. If you adopted from abroad then perhaps you could find some pictures on the internet that you can print off about his country of origin or even the orphanage or whatever.

My younger sister is adopted and came to the family at 6 weeks old (as the youngest of 4 - I was 6 at the time). She has always known that she is adopted and my only advice is that you really must tell them right from the start - in whatever form you feel comfortable. I really don't think that 2.5 is too young to start, albeit in a very dilute way. My sister was told she came to us as a very small baby because my parents really wanted another baby, chose her for us like a very special present etc, etc.

There are just so many awful ways the information can come out if you don't take the initiative to control it. Unbelievably a doctor said to my mother when my sister was about 6 - "Does she know she's [spelling] A-D-O-P-T-E-D?" DSis who was familiar with the concept but not the word was bouncing around saying "What does "adopted" mean, Mum? Am I? Do I know I am?". As my mother pointed out to the doctor, "Fortunately, yes she does".

im glad you are going to talk about it,it,s so important.i,m 44 &i found outwhen i was playing out at age 11,by a friend those parents told her.i think i knew from a early age by over hearing adults talking. it made me really sad & still dose now. my mum has strange idears about it all.she didn,t talk to my sister for ages when she traced her birth mum.

I am adopted as is my brother (we are both in our 30's). I have always known I was adopted, it was a bedtime story for me... the day I was brought home. My parents made it sound so exciting and special (which I am sure it was for them). I remember asking for the story every night for ages. They made us feel extra special because we were chosen out of other children (it was easier to adopt back then). The other thing they did was give me all the information on my natural mother on my 18th birthday, so that if I felt I wanted to find her I had all the details. Personally I don't, I have my parents and don't feel the need to have anymore. All I can advise is to not make a big deal out of it and to start early, I would have hated to have found out later on. Sorry I have rattled on a bit.

My sister and I were both adopted (6 weeks old from "Catholic homes for unmarried mothers" - standard fare in Ireland in the 60s). I don't remember how old I was when I was told as it feels like I have always known which I think is the only way to go - children accept all kinds of things as normal so being adopted is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things! What I do remember though is the way my dad told me - for years I had a vision of him and my mum going into this room full of babies and choosing me because I was so gorgeous/special/wonderful they just had to bring me home. (The reality as I later learnt is that I was covered in eczema and people told my mum she was made to have taken me, there must be something wrong with me!). It made me grow up with a strong sense of self-esteem - being "chosen" seemed much more special than just coming along by change (and I felt positively sorry for my friend who found out aged 11 that her parents got married because they "had to", i.e. her mum was pregnant with her). Sorry for waffling but obviously I feel pretty strongly about this. You have done a wonderful thing by giving a child a happy home, tell him always how much job he has brought to your life - my dad (81) still tells me how much he loves me and how adopting my sister and I was the best decision he and mum ever made. Unfortunately my mum died three years ago and I miss her every day.

Message withdrawn

Hi, i was adopted and grew up knowing. My adoptive parents told me at a very early age so that it never became a big deal. I remember them telling me how special i was etc etc and they made me feel very secure. I was about 7 when i really started to digest it all. HTH XX

I was adopted at 6 weeks old too, IMHO tell him asap he will then grow up with the idea.

Welcome to MN btw

Hi,

We adopted our daughter at 18 months ( she is now 4 1/2, we have older children so her being adopted has just sort of being general discussion in the family. I do say though that although she wasn't born from my tummy, she was born in my heart, which she finds very special!! I also tell the story how we saw her fell in love, and decided that day she was our daughter.
We also have a life book for her and she has letters and occasional meetings with her foster mum.
I do think let him know asap but in a gentle, 'not a major thing' sort of way.

Thankyou all for your replies (phew thank goodness I got some!), my husband and I have decided to go for the storybook idea and build it into his bedtime routine when he's feeling all cosy & snug. My DD who is only 6 months old can sit with us while we are reading the book as her circumstances are exactly the same apart from different biological parents - same foster mum, same age, same circumstances - my husband and I joke that they will grow up and think all children come from this foster mum.

That sounds absolutely lovely.

That will be a lovely idea

Deffo Brill

Just thought of something else that I would like your opinion on. We are still going through the legal process with our DD and our social worker was out last week and said she had a photograph of the biological mum to give me. I did say that I wasn't too keen on having this in the house but I would like them to hold it on her file for her, she wasn't keen on that idea, so I'm now getting it! I have no problem telling my DD all about her biological mother and all the circumstances around her adoption but I feel having a photo makes it very real-am I making sense? With our DS we met his biological mother so we can describe her to him when he wants to know and I am much happier about this. Has anyone been through the same situation?

I didn't have a photo {this was in 1966} but I did have the clothes I arrived in and toys and a list of things and the file from agency with letters etc.

Could you file it away with DD papers?

I am off to bed now and will think about it and see if I come up with other ideas

Perhaps adoptive parents will have better ideas.

Hi me again. Although I said I don't want to meet my mum, I would love to have a photo of her. When people ask me who I look like it's always a bit awkward to have to say I'm adopted. Not for me but other people seem to get embarrassed and start apologising! I have very blonde hair and big boobs and would just love to know if she had them too! Sad I know. My father was a Canadian and left when he found out she was pregnant (nice!)so his name isn't on file. Not that I am interested in him at all. It sounds like you have decided to go about it in a really nice way. I am sure you will be pleased you have done it this way in years to come. Hope you will all be very happy.

Have SS given any help with a life story book? I thought they had to these days. My friends who have adopted locally have had that done by their social workers.

life story book

I've also seen a book called Our Twitchy that I thought was very sweet. A rabbit find out he's being raised by cows so hops off to find his "real" parents. Anyway he learns that the cows are his real parents because they love him and care for him. Mini IQ do it (you can order direct online), but it'snot exclusive so should be available elsewhere.

I'm seeing a friend who adopted today I think. I'll ask her about life story books.