Adoption-when/how do I start to tell?

[Jacque]

My very first message so here goes - we have adopted both our children as babies. Our son is now 2.5 and we were thinking we should start to introduce the idea of adoption to him, very casually obviously. We thought about doing a little book with lots of photos - foster mum, an excited mum & dad etc. He hasn't mentioned anything about where do babies come from so are we starting too early, or can you not start too early? Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated and since this is my very first time I hope I get lots of replies!

Saw my friend this morning. Her approach sounds very similar to Issy's. She said it was important to include information about the birth mother, and for that information to be as positive as possible as the children will draw some of their self image from that as they grow older. She said in some cases it is very difficult to say anything positive at all, and at a young age that positive something may be "she made you" and not a lot else. Her dds birth mother has a very difficult background (putting it politely) but they know she was good at swimming and dancing and have been able to incorporate that into the life story.

She said that children are meant to be adopted with life books started for them by social services, but that rarely happens. Certainly I think you could ask your SW for help putting it tgether.

Another adoptee at six weeks! I can't remember ever being 'told' just always 'knew' which is the wya to go, never let it be a shock.

I don't know about the photo of the birth mother, I've never been curious, it seems a shame that you can describe to one child and not the other, perhpas have a look at it them you can tell her what her mum looks like?

We have a mum on here who is on the 'other side of the coin' and gave up a baby for adoption, I'm sure that Roisin, would now find it a comfort if she knew that her son had a photo of her. If she sees this thread I'm sure she will offer advice.

Hi,

We have photos of our daughters bio parents, however they are not in her memory box or photo albulm, we just keep them safely away should she ever want to see them. ( I also wasn't too happy about the photo but we had no choice)
We still have to send yearly letters and photos although we never get anything in return

Thanks Lilibet - I did see the thread, but I don't think my side of the picture is very relevant here, so I've nothing to add. It's what's best for the children, and you've got some good advice here.

I agree with most things that have been written so far. You should start asap, two and a half is quite old! I also dont think you should withhold info from your DD - if you have a photo of her birth mum you should keep a copy so she can see it/ have it when she asks for it.

I understand that this makes it more " real" for you but you need to try and keep your own feelings seperate from your childrens needs.

What jan wrote about life story books is great. I woudl add that you need to sort out in your own mind what is your story and what is your sons/daughters. For example, your adoption journey may have started when you first faced infertility issues. Your kids journey probably started years later , when their BM found out she was pregnant / couldnt keep the baby/whatever.Your stories are linked but they are not the same.

There are several reasons that this is important. One is that your story is your to share as you wish. Your kids story is for them to share as they wish.I often hear A-parents saying " oh we are very open about adoption" then giving out confidential info about their kids, not about themselves!!!! ( I'm not suggesting you would do this!!)

Another reason is that both journeys probably started from a point of loss and so you have this in common.You cant gloss over the pain and loss involved for everyone, as well as the joy for you and your children.As Jan says, you need to resist the urge to say things that are not true to make you or your kids feel better. eg " Mary's mummy loved her so much she made an aoption plan and chose Mr & Mrs Smith to be the new parents for Mary"

Thanks everyone for your take on this. I think we'll follow suit with leesax and keep the photograph away from her memory box but obviously have it in a safe place and take it out when needed. I hadn't actually thought about how our son will feel when we don't have a picture of his bio mum but at least we can describe her. Our social worker has never mentioned life story books to us although we did a little bit on them in our training, I thought you would only do them if your child was a bit older and had a bit of a story to tell?