How do you do Unconditional Parenting when you need young DC to stop doing something immediately?

[WildhoodChunder]

DS is nearly 3 weeks, DD nearly 2 - bfing DS so can't always intervene physically with DD unless it's drastic - relying on talking to her to control behaviour... Dinnertime last night, DS on breast, DD will not stay at table, starts running around trying to draw on things with her super-staining spag-bol sauce covered spoon, isn't listening to me explaining/asking not to. I cracked and used Angry Mummy voice - "DD. STOP THAT. NOW!" - which sort of worked, but isn't really the UP way and not how I want to raise my DCs - although with two I can see UP being much harder to sustain. What should I have done?

I think you need to look more at why she was tearing about, rather than ways of controlling the behaviour.

Your attention was on her new brother, and not on her...so she was doing things in order to get your attention.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you with the 2 of them!

Is there an activity you can sort out for her that only comes out when you feed DS? Or use the time to all sit down together so she doesn't feel left out?

I've only got the 1, so I'm probably not the best person to give advice on managing 2!

Just be kind to yourself, and remember she's not being 'naughty' she just wants your attention

I don't know much about unconidtional parenting but it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself, Having two these ages is HARD. Please don't set yourself up for a fall by saying you don't want to use your Angry Mummy voice with them - surely this is a very normal response to a badly behaving child? And a two year old is unlikely to stay still long enough to listen to you explaining what she should or shouldn't be doing.

It sounds like unconditional parenting should be renamed unrealistic parenting.

I think it's fine to shout Stop! etc in an emergency. After all, you'd hardly keep explaining and chatting if she was standing on a railway line and an express hoved into view, would you?

But the PP's little girl wasn't so much behaving badly, as just wanting her mummy's attention. She was trying to get it in the only way she knows how...why should she be punished for that?

I completely agree that she needs to go easy on herself and her daughter.

Sorry, my comment was aimed at strandedatseasonsgreetings...I x-posted with everyone else.

But geez, I don't think critising the way WildhoodChunder wants to parent her children is going to help her right about now

I wouldn't say using a raised voice to stop a child doing something you didn't want her to do was punishing her. Saying it in a normal voice just isn't going to be effective.

Plus, most bad behaviour is attention seeking. Doesn't stop it being bad. She is old enough to learn about consequences of her actions.

you say "i love you stop doing it"

then SHOUT STOP IT NOW OR ILL WHACK YOU

hth

She said "what should I have done" - I am actually saying "you did the right thing please don't beat yourself up about it life is hard enough with two children this age as it is".

If that's not what she wants to hear I will bow out and leave it to people who understand unconditional parenting.

Unconditional Parenting isn't ideological, it's just a very different way of doing things.

I completely agree that none of us are going to be able to raise a child without raising our voice at some stage.

But the whole point of UP is to try and understand our children, without just reacting to behaviour. The PP's little girl was feeling insecure and therefore seeking attention. In my opinion, it's the fact that she felt insecure that needs resolving, rather than the naughty behaviour being punished.

Short term, the PP needs distraction techniques to try and keep her DD happy whilst she's feeding her DS. Long term, she can work on her DD's insecurities.

I'm not critising the way others do things, I merely posted to offer support to another UP mum.

I would follow your own instincts and not someone else's theory. She may not be insecure-she may simply be bored!
You will find it difficult to UP when your youngest is a bit older because what one needs is the opposite to what the other needs. Just take the bits from it that suit you or you will be exhausted!

Tbh I think what the OP is going through is what we all go through once we have our second child, however we chose to try and raise them. I had to throw a lot of my parenting views out of the window when number 2 came along - you just don't have the same amount of time, patience and energy as you did the first time round.

Hence why dd2 has a dummy, eats crap and is actively encouraged to watch tv!

OP - I am sure you'll get back on track once you're past this very difficult stage.

As someone else said there needs to be a consequence for the actions. I take away treats with mine and because I have followed it through and explained why the treat is not forthcoming now just threating to take the treat away works. Is there anything like this that would work for you?

"The PP's little girl was feeling insecure and therefore seeking attention. In my opinion, it's the fact that she felt insecure that needs resolving, rather than the naughty behaviour being punished."

tillymamma, that may be true on this occasion, but sometimes young children just behave badly to see if they can get away with it. Not because they are insecure, just because they want to test boundaries. What does Unconditional Parenting do in that situation?

(I'm not being cynical, I am genuinely interested).

Thanks all, that's given me lots of food for thought. I hadn't thought it could be an attention thing, but that may be it - it was DH's first day back after paternity leave yesterday which may have had something to do with it as well. I had spent a lot of 1:1 time with DD earlier in the day but I forget they live so completely in the 'now'... Perhaps feeding them at the same time is not the way to go! The external perspectives are really useful, thank you everybody.

Some DCs want any attention-they don't mind whether it is good or bad as long as they get the attention!
Fast forward to the youngest being 2 yrs. DC1 is out and DC2 playing very happily with a toy but it happens to be DC1s toy. DC1 comes in snatches it back saying 'it is mine' DC2 starts to cry, it has upset his game. He tries to snatch it back and DC1 starts to cry, it is their favourite toy from Granny and DC2 has sticky hands. You try to UP -impossible-you have to side with one or the other if neither will listen to reason-or each other's reason.

"tillymamma, that may be true on this occasion, but sometimes young children just behave badly to see if they can get away with it. Not because they are insecure, just because they want to test boundaries. What does Unconditional Parenting do in that situation?"

Testing boundaries is perfectly normal. It's the way you deal with it that makes UP what it is, I suppose.

It's not about letting children run riot, more trying to understand why they are behaving the way they are. Why are they pushing boundaries? Presumably to check what our reaction will be. Therefore it is important to show our children that we still love them, regardless. You still put them straight on what they can and can't do, but without punishing them for merely being children.

"I would also like to know what happens when a child goes to school, breaks a rule and is kept in receives a punishment?"

I think this question is why some UP parents opt to Homeschool. Personally, I have no problem with teachers being conditional. As mother to my DD, all I care about is that she knows I love her unconditionally. She will grow up and enter a world which is wholly conditional...there's nothing I can do about that. She will come into contact with lots of people have conditions attached, I just do not wish to be one of them.

WildhoodChunder - I'm glad you feel a bit clearer on things x

"Why are they pushing boundaries? Presumably to check what our reaction will be. Therefore it is important to show our children that we still love them, regardless. You still put them straight on what they can and can't do, but without punishing them for merely being children."

So how do you put them straight on what they can and can't do? I mean, obviously, you can start by telling them "You have to go to bed now" or "you mustn't run away from me at the park", but what do you do if they refuse to co-operate??

I must admit, I don't really understand the link between unconditional love and not punishing. I always knew as a child that my parents loved me unconditionally - they told me and demonstrated it in so many ways. But I also knew that there were some things I shouldn't do, and if I did, I would be punished in some way (yelled at, taken home, etc). I never thought that being punished meant I wasn't loved.

I have never understoood what "pushing boundaries" really means. Seems weird to me.