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Original poster

MIL & SIL fed my day old DD - still upset/angry

45 replies

Amelia10 · 12/11/2010 18:18

My DD is now 7 wkd old. I had to have a C-section to deliver her as I had a 3.5 L ovarian cyst which needed to be removed along with my ovary and tube. This was all difficult for me to deal with. The following day my MIL and SIL visited and I was having some problems feeding DD, so I was being advised to expess colosseum and feed her by syringe. I found this hard as I really wanted to BF her given I couldn't deliver her naturally. Having had another upsetting attempt to BF with support from MW and BF expert it got too much and I said I needed to step outside the cubicle, in tears to collect myself. My DH followed after 2 mins to give me a hug, when I returned my MIL & SIL had taken the full syringe and fed my DD. I was gone for barely 5 mins and had not left DD crying, I saw red and told them to leave at which point I was told I needed to start looking after my daughter.
I have tried to reconcile with them, and outwardly I have but I just cannot forgive them and now find being in their company really difficult to say the least.
My DH is close to his family but I look at them and get angry (inside).
Am I being unreasonable? Should I forget it and move on? I just feel overwhelmed by them sometimes and now feel everything they do is interfereing
Sorry for the long message I just can't talk to my husband about how I feel and wanted to get this off my chest with MN 8(

OP posts:

phipps · 12/11/2010 18:21

YANBU and while your MIL and SIL might have thought they were helping they had no right to do it. You need to talk to them calmly about how hurt you are and that you want an apology from them.

LoveBeingAMummy · 12/11/2010 18:23

You must talk to your dh. I would feel very upset also. I think though fro
what youhave said this isn't the only time they have overstepped/ got on your nerves and to deal with it you do need yourdhs support and for him to do something about it.

LoopyLoops · 12/11/2010 18:24

Agree with what the others have said. Speak to DH, then speak to them. :)

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itsatiggerday · 12/11/2010 18:25

Oh Amelia, poor you, that sounds like a really stressful time over the delivery. My instant reaction is to go easy on yourself, your baby is still only 7 wks old, your body is still in major recovery mode and your hormones are still a bit crazy. Add the sleep deprivation of a newborn and the surgical complications and I'm surprised you're even trying to deal with the complexities of in-law relationships.

I'm not surprised you were angry and upset, I would have been too. And I'm not surprised you still feel that anger. Don't be too hard on yourself. FWIW, I would suggest in the long term you try to forgive them and move on, for your own sake as well as your DH / his family. But it's only been 7 weeks and you have a lot else on your plate. I would also be asking DH to understand why this is emotionally hurtful in addition to the mere fact of them feeding your brand newborn daughter and to support you as you get used to having her rather than badger you to get on with his family (if he is).

Good luck and hope that feeding is settling down and she is flourishing. Take it easy.

llareggub · 12/11/2010 18:26

I think you should try and forget it and move on for your own sake. Maybe I've missed something but it isn't so bad really.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 12/11/2010 18:26

They were being sneaky and had no right to feed your daughter without your express consent. Shocking.

Your mil and sil should be begging your forgiveness and your DH should be backing you.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 12/11/2010 18:28

Hang on. I assumed they were feeding your DD formula. Were they feeding her colostrum?

llareggub · 12/11/2010 18:29

Really, there is nothing to gain from dwelling on this. You can't change what happened, only your feelings towards it. Hive yourself a break.

booyhoo · 12/11/2010 18:29

they sound very interfereing. how dare they tell you you need to start looking after your DD. you had stepped out of the room for 5 minutes. you hadn't left her for hours without food. i wouldn't reconcile with them. they sound horrible. not people i would want around my dd.

Limez · 12/11/2010 18:30

I have to disagree with phipps, I think you'd sound utterly barking now if you were to ask for an apology or even let them know how upset you are.

I'm not saying you are wrong to feel the way you do but but these are your feelings and you'll have to find a way to get over them. I know that sounds harsh but I really can relate to that awful feeling of IL's overstepping tha mark - its infuriating - but pick your battles and dont give them the chance to write you off as neurotic. Which they will if you tell them about this, it will be all too easy for them to act bewildered by your reaction - after all no harm was done, they were trying to help etc...

LIZS · 12/11/2010 18:30

Sounds like you had a pretty traumatic time and that was the final straw. Have you had any counselling , perhaps your hv could arrange a debrief session with a trained mw to help you come to terms with the lack of control over the events at that time, of which this incident was just one. Then you may be able to move on and tentatively start to reforge a relationship with your il's

RhinestoneCowgirl · 12/11/2010 18:32

They probably thought they were helping as you were in a state but after a traumatic delivery I can see why it didn't feel like that. Everything is heightened when you're in that post-natal state.

I would talk to DH and explain that it made you feel upset/angry as you do need to move on from it.

JiggeryPoverty · 12/11/2010 18:32

Where they trying to help your dd, or deliberately undermining you?

From your post, and sorry I don't know any backstory, it seems to me like it could well have been the former. It's very easy, especially in the early days when you're so desperate to get everything perfect, to focus on a small issue and hang on to it in what can be an unhealthy way. If they weren't meaning to be interfering, and just thought it might be easier for dd/you/overstretched midwives for htem to step in and help, I think you should let this go.

And believe me I know what it is to have PITA ILs, but you have to remember that they are going to be your dd's family forever. In all honesty I think you have to get past this and accept that their intentions were to help. I expect they were very excited to have a new baby in the family and wanted to be involved.

ib · 12/11/2010 18:32

YANBU. I second talking to your dh to help you set boundaries wrt them.

malachysmum · 12/11/2010 18:33

I'm sure they only meant the best, I hope you are recovering from your birth and you will get the first smile from your baby soon and they will save it just for you!

phipps · 12/11/2010 18:34

Limez, so people would get away with doing something out of order in your world.

hobbgoblin · 12/11/2010 18:35

Is it really helpful for us to agree that they were out of order? They perhaps should have had more patience and should perhaps have realised the significance of stepping in and achieving a feed when you were struggling. They should perhaps have been kinder and not used harsh words in their embarrassment/shock at your reaction, and maybe they should have asked you first about anything because it is your baby. But they are your baby's family and they will love her and want desperately to help - misguidedly on many occasions I am sure as all of us are sometimes guilty when in earnest!

However, there was unlikely to be any malice here so what good does it do to continue to fret over this. You are creating a gulf between you which may well develop between you and your DH too, and for what? This was an ill-advised attempted to help you and to help your child, their grandchild and neice. This makes you feel more of a failure if you continue to focus so much on how you were struggling to feed at that time and how they walked in and got a syringe down the baby. Focus on your successes here and that way you can forget any bad feeling at the same time as going from strength to strength with your new baby.

I stand corrected if there is previous form with these family members though!

Limez · 12/11/2010 18:42

Phipps - 'out of order' is subjective - that's my point.

Northernlurker · 12/11/2010 18:48

I think that you are probably over-reacting somewhat and you certainly shouldn't ask them to apologise. Look at things from their viewpoint - you were obviously struggling and walked out. YOu know you were going back but this isn't your blood family and they most likely had no idea what you were going to do. I know dd wasn't crying but I bet she was rooting and when you've had a child it's really hard to see a child rooting. The syringe was ready there and it was from you - it wasn't formula. I really think they were trying to help. It didn't help - but that isn't their fault.

Hope everything is going ok with dd now.

phipps · 12/11/2010 18:51

I was merely posting my opinion. I don't expect everyone to agree. The OP is clearly very upset and that shouldn't be ignored.

taintedpaint · 12/11/2010 18:55

It sounds like they were trying to help, and if they said something about you looking after your DD properly, I'm going to guess this was in response to you seeing red (I'm not saying that what they said can be justified btw). What did you say when you told them to leave? To get an outburst like that from them, you must have said something worse than "get out".

I understand why you're upset with them, and I might feel similarly if I was in your position. But I think you might need to ask yourself if you would feel the same if this was your family and not your DHs. It doesn't seem like this was an attack on you, simply a granny and an aunty trying to care for the new addition to the family. You are upset because you feel that you should've been the one to give the first feed, and you have every right to be upset, but continued anger does not seem helpful for anyone, least of all you and your DD.

All in all, I think YANBU for being upset, but YABU for still being angry.

Limez · 12/11/2010 18:55

Nothing wrong with your opinion phipps. I only named you specifically because my computer is veeeeeeeeery slow and only you had replied when I started typing

phipps · 12/11/2010 19:00

LOL.

LynetteScavo · 12/11/2010 19:07

I think the fact that they told you to start looking after your daughter is worse than them actually feeding her.

They sound very bossy and interfering, and difficult people to have as in-laws.

However, they were only trying to help, and obviously think they have done no wrong, so I think asking for an apology now would make you look silly in their eyes.

You should try to forget it and move on, for your own sake.

CharlieBoo · 12/11/2010 19:13

I think you're overreacting tbh. I think in time hopefully you'll see that too. They were trying to help you and your baby, I assume they were there giving support and when you left they tried to get some down her. Its in the past now, leave it there. Don't let this get you down, have you had some counselling?

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