MIL & SIL fed my day old DD - still upset/angry

[Amelia10]

My DD is now 7 wkd old. I had to have a C-section to deliver her as I had a 3.5 L ovarian cyst which needed to be removed along with my ovary and tube. This was all difficult for me to deal with. The following day my MIL and SIL visited and I was having some problems feeding DD, so I was being advised to expess colosseum and feed her by syringe. I found this hard as I really wanted to BF her given I couldn't deliver her naturally. Having had another upsetting attempt to BF with support from MW and BF expert it got too much and I said I needed to step outside the cubicle, in tears to collect myself. My DH followed after 2 mins to give me a hug, when I returned my MIL & SIL had taken the full syringe and fed my DD. I was gone for barely 5 mins and had not left DD crying, I saw red and told them to leave at which point I was told I needed to start looking after my daughter.
I have tried to reconcile with them, and outwardly I have but I just cannot forgive them and now find being in their company really difficult to say the least.
My DH is close to his family but I look at them and get angry (inside).
Am I being unreasonable? Should I forget it and move on? I just feel overwhelmed by them sometimes and now feel everything they do is interfereing
Sorry for the long message I just can't talk to my husband about how I feel and wanted to get this off my chest with MN 8(

I would feel angry if that happened to me. The only other person who should have taken over was a midwife - what they did sounds more like arrogance than concern. If they felt that your DD needed feeding at that time, they should have called a midwife, not taken it upon themselves to decide what to do.

Seven weeks is not very long to recover from your birth nor from their behaviour. Your DH does really need to understand your reaction to what they did and how that's affected you. The fact that he's close to his family is a complication, but he needs to understand that he needs to be closer to you now.

Could you ask the hospital if they have a debriefing facility, to not only talk through your birth experience but also your ante-natal care? What concerns me is why your MIL and SIL were able to do that feed apparently unnoticed by the staff on the ward - surely syringe feeding should be supervised?

Did they apologise? Also is there a back story of issues with your in-laws? Was there a nurse or midwife in the cubicle and why did they think it was ok for your mil and sil to go ahead and do this?

I think that if they have sincerely apologised then you need to try to move on but if this was just one of many attempts to undermine you then you have a good reason to still be upset.

What is your husband's view on all this, is he supporting you?

I'd have been upset too, Amelia. It sounds like you were having a really difficult time, but I'm sure they genuinely only meant to help and simply stepped over the line between helping and interfering?
You have become fixated on your anger towards them and it's got out of proportion, but that anger will dissipate with time (I know because this is something I do ). You made your feelings clear at the time; further discussion might worsen the situation.
I'd be inclined to avoid them as much as possible until I've got over it.

This might be really bad advice, but it's what I'd do

Huglymugly, if they'd been given a syringe then they would have been encouraged to do this by the midwives. This happened with my dd, almost 24 hours after birth she'd not had a proper feed and we HAD to syringe feed her to get her going as the staff were getting concerned she'd had nothing. They showed me how to do it and then left me to it, they wouldn't have cared who gave it to dd as long as she had something.

Is it because it wasn't you op that fed her with the syringe or because it was mil? Would it still have bothered you if it had been your dh or your own mother?

oh amelia, i'd have been very, very angry if someone had done that with my baby too. i can understand why you were so upset, tho i would have been more upset by the comment about looking after her

i think they were either being incredibly insensitive and tactless, or they were deliberately undermining you. I don't know which because i don't know them.

i'd like to think that they just thought, the baby needs the milk, amelia10 has gone, we'd better do it
and when you got back the "you need to start looking after her" was more of a "come on now, stop getting upset and focus on this great baby you have here!" type comment?

doesn't make it much ebtter but could explain it

i think you need to speak to your husband.

do you think it would help to speak to them? do you hav ea good relationship with them in general?
coudl you speak to one/both of them and say that you're still struggling with what happened in the hospital that day?

i think in the grand scheme of things it isn't something you should really still be worrying about. it wasn't nice, but it wasn't damaging to your daughter

i would second the advice to speak to someone about how you feel. you could have a debrief with your midwife3 if you felt that might help get to grips with the birth and what happened immediately afterwards?

I think they were trying to help by getting some colostrum into your dd when you were struggling to do so. The important thing is that she got that colostrum. I expect a lot of people would have reacted in the same way as you given the circumstances but I think it is best if you move on.

They shouldn't have told you to look after your own dd but I suspect they hit out following your response. If you want them to apologise you should focus on that really rather than the syringe feeding.

I think they sound like a couple of interfering evil bitches... i think it's disgusting what they did and no wonder you feel upset.

If they wanted to help you and your baby they would have tried to support you not undermine you. Surely it would make no dfference if your baby had had the colostrum 5 or 10 mins later!! i would imagine that you will not be able to trust them again.

For now though you need to try to focus on yourself and your new baby. Can you avoid them and try to talk to your DH and get him on side. Once you are feeling better and have settled down with your baby, if you still want to say something then do - its totally your right to stand up for yourself and tell them that you are angry and upset about what they did! To be honest I would imagine that what they did is actually possible even illegal - it should have been either you, dh or midwife responsibilty not theirs!

Please find some support from somewhere - early days of motherhood can really fry your brain what with lack of sleep and all the crazy hormones you don't need this kind of additional upset to worry about!!

They had no right to do it and should have asked first - you had purely left the cubical for a few mins to gather yourself. You are very capable of looking after your own child and had just been throught the trauma of giving birth.

My own mother upset me post birth. She claimed she came to stay in order to 'help out' but she really just took over the care of my new baby and ignored my older kids - whom she should have been caring for. she got completely in the way of baby bonding and this pregnancy I'm not keen on her staying at all and have explained why.

They were insensitive but probably not acting out of malice. The baby needed feeding, they had the syringe, you weren't there at that moment. They probably didn't think it through any more than that.

You need to find a way to move on from this - it is not worth causing a family rift over.

Some counselling sounds wise - does your hospital offer anything?

Hi, Thanks for your comments, have spoken to my husband and he understands my point of view now.
In response to some of the posts, the midwife had said fill the syringe and use it to put around the nipple to encourage her to latch, this was said in front of MIL and SIL but they still decided to use it to feed and left me with none to use to get her to latch
I am trying to let go of this but the comment about looking after my daughter makes me feel they are judging me even 8 weeks on and sits in my mind that someone has already deemed me a bad mother. To add to the mix my cyst was not benign and I feel guilty that I should be totally focused on my DD but my mind is all over the place...maybe i am focusing on this to vent frustration somewhere but questioning my ability to look after my DD after 24 hours hurts

I havent read all the posts but I can understand the hurt you must have felt after the comment they made to you.Are they supportive of breast feeding perhaps it was there way of telling you to give her a bottle rather than breast? I say this because of all the unsupportive comments regarding BF I had to endure after having an emergency section and my milk not appearing for 8 days.......!Thankfully I persevered and had alot of help from friends who BF and I was able to do it! I could be barking up the wrong tree.
It sounds like you are a great Mum try not to let this ruin this special time.Counselling is always a good thing to do.

oh, you poor thing, how very upsetting.
They may or may not have been trying to be helpful, but it's hard to give them the benefit of the doubt - in the first place, if you were working on feeding with the mw they should have made themselves scarce, and if you were getting upset, they should have stepped outside, not you! And to have used up the colostrum against the mws advice is just high handed and arrogant. And it's so precious, those early oments.

Given the 'start looking after your baby' comment (after which i wouldn't have wanted to speak to them again, ever) I think it is unlikely that they will apologise. But it may be worth, if you want, just telling the how it makes you feel - tell them what you told us "I really wanted to BF her given I couldn't deliver her naturally.".

But you know that how you deliver and feed is NO reflection on your parenting or your love for your baby, don't you?

Yu are bound to be feeling intensely sensitive and eotional after such a tough tie, and i'm so sorry to hear about your operation. Don't let ignorant insensitive peopel lik your ILs get you down, focus on your lovely baby and getting help to make you well.

How is the feeding going now?

Amelia, with this extra information I think most people will understand how you feel. They were totally out of order with the comment, which of course was rubbish.

You're feeling very vulnerable - all new mums do and you have even more reason. Take it one day at a time and enjoy your little girl. Sending you a big hug!

Its good you have spoken to you OH and he understands.
I had a traumatic birth with DS2 and felt my mothering skills were seriously questioned in the aftermath due to an incident out of my control. It was awful to start out with this little one feeling like I had already let him down. Couple that with the aftershock of the birth (which I think is very similar to shock/trauma!) and it took a long time for me to let go of those feelings.
Your in-laws were wrong, plain and simple! You know it and everyone here does. But dont let this escalate any further until you have had a chance to properly come to terms with it. You will have to deal with these people for a very long time. It would be better if you could wait and broach the issue with them calmly etc If you do it while you are still upset and vulnerable they will write it off to hormones etc and most likely do or say something else stupid.
It is far more important that you deal with the niggling doubts and insecurity. Keep talking to your OH and anyone else supportive. You will feel miles better when you do. It really helped me - and enjoy your LO

Amelia I couldn't agree more with Mammy G - your in-laws were wrong plain and simple and everyone here agrees and understands how you were feeling. It would have driven me insane but, and this is the important part, for your sake and the little one's you must learn to let go of it. One day after a traumatic birth (which is exactly what you had) you are completely entitled to feel overwhelmed - most people do after a completely 'normal' birth, so there comment was completely insensitive and probably a response to them feeling embararssed that they'd upset you. Are you sure they're not related to my il's? We place so much importance on those moments after birth and bonding with our babies but sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves. Just remember you are the only mum lo has and no one could do a better job than you.

Not suprised you're upset. I'd be gutted.
I don't think you'll get an apology though and the only person suffering from you holding onto this anger is you because they probably don't give a shit one way or another.
These first few weeks are tough enough without you having to carry this round with you.
Put it on a back-burner for now. One day you'll either decide to tackle it with them or let it go.

Next time your DD gives you one of those lovely newborn smiles, just think, you did that, you brought her into the world. You're her mum and no-one can take that away from you.

I can see why you're still upset with this. It's less what they did and more what they said. You now know that they have/had this opinion of you that they were so quick to come to. Understandable it will be hard to be around them without second guessing yourself about what they make of you and your parenting skills.

What they did was wrong and totally irresponsible. I hate it when people say 'they were trying to help'. IMO this is an excuse to justify themselves and if people want to help then they act in a selfless way and asked what is needed from them.

A way forward (IMO) is not care less about them and that way the hurt of what they did will come to have less impact.

Your relationship will be hard to recover as trust will be very hard to regain. However, they will have a relationship with your DD and DH.

I would be as upset as you were. They were out of order imo. Glad you've spoken to your DH and very glad he sees your pov here.

Hope he will be able to speak to them or to back you up if you attempt to, or at least hope he will try to give you the impression that he has your back wrt feeding from here out and will fend off any other remarks that come your way from the SIL and MIL.

Don't try to hurry up and get over this. Ask your DH to be patient with you and listen without trying to fix things when you feel down about it. Sometimes just knowing you can just express what you're feeling, without being offered advice on how to 'fix it' can really help. Could he give you a hug when this memory comes back and bothers you?

YYY Sugargirl, birth really is a trauma emotionally and in terms of our identity, our relationships -- the physical aspect is only half the story really. You feel incredibly vulnerable to slights and to rudeness and lack of kindness when you're a new mum. Hopefully, recovering from this will bring you and your DH closer. Keep on talking to him. Don't let your relationship be a casualty of this incident.

YANBU, your husband needs to be on your side. It's the breach of boundaries, lack of respect, everything about the scenario you describe that would make me so upset.

My absolute bugbear , the number one thing that pisses me off (and there are a few of these) is people who don't give new mothers respect and space, the kind of people who put their own self satisfaction above the needs of the mother.

A happy mother = a happy baby, which means that the post-partum period is the time in a woman's life where she should be listened to.

On a positive note, you will get over it, and with time you'll make your peace with them over this incident, but don't let anyone try to trivilise or belittle your feelings when it comes to your baby.

[another bugbear of mine is people who trivialise a mother's feelings]

I can see why you are upset, it was totally wrong of them to do this. Whether the "mean well" or not, it was wrong.

Still, I would advise you to try to let it go.

You have so much to deal with at the moment, holding on to resentment to your MIL and SIL is not going to help.

You and your DH need to ensure that they know that such interfering will not be tolerated in future (which I am sure that they do now).

As to the comment "you need to start looking after your DD" - just keep it in your mind that she is YOUR DD and you are a brilliant mother to her. No matter what they think. They have shown by their actions that they are idiots. Try not to worry about what they think.