I am an awful mummy

[kitkey]

I am such an awful mummy. Where to start
I have DS1 who is nearly 3 and DS2 who is 18 mths old. I am also pregnant 7 weeks with number 3 who was planned but now I am very very anxious about how I will cope and my mum is really rubbing this issue in with me - asking me to consider termination and saying I have made a big mistake blah blah

DS2 gets up really early - this am 5am. Anyway he has always been a difficult clingy child and spends a lot of the day whinging and whining and over reacting to his brother who is sometimes a bit mean to him. Well this morning he has really pushed me to the limit with his whinging and whining at me so i put him in the hallway and then just because i was so made gave him a little push and he fell over. This is awful awful awful - I have shouted STOP IT in his face recently too. I think i partly over-react to his behaviour as the whinging is so relentless wherever we are - park, playgroup he is whining at me making tea, going for a wee - i feel sick and a wretching a lot too with him whining beside me, and partly because he fuels my anxiety about a 3rd child that he is not ready and is going to be difficult. When DS1 was 18mths, DS2 was a month old - no way could i survive a newborn now Don't get me wrong I love him with all my heart and soul and he can be such a delight and is copying new words everyday. I love him dearly but he is so demanding - this doesn't excuse any of my terrible behaviout

Anyway I deserve all the awful things that are going to happen to me if i push and shout at an 18 month old - such a cow.

excuse bad typing DS2 is sitting on my lap and i am rushing before next tantrum.

First. You are not an awful mummy. If you were, you would not be wracked with guilt for shouting at him.

Second. You have two young DC who wind each other up, one of whom is 3yo - a truly truly difficult age.

Third. Tell your mother to fuck off. If she wishes to support you - and she can do that by taking one of the boys our for an hour so that you can spend more time with the other (or both so you can have a rest).

You are not a cow, you have a lot on your plate but it will get better.

Is there anything that helps your DS1? What makes him happy and content?

Don't worry about it. We all make mistakes. You realise it was a mistake, if you were a really terrible parent you wouldn't think you had done anything wrong. Think of some new ways to cope, new strategies to deal with him, and importantly, forgive yourself and move on.

He will be quite a bit older when the baby is born, so it might not be quite so bad. But get him used to being a bit more independent now instead of when the baby arrives. See if you can get him to play by himself without whinging for say 10 minutes, while you make some tea or whatever it is. Then if he can do it, reward him with a big cuddle and play with him for a bit.

Thanksfor you kind words and advice - one to one attention with him dragging me by the hand from room to room looking a things is something that makes him content and sitting looking at books which i try to do with him but then when DS1 woke up I had to do his breakfast and drink and the whining started. My mum never helps with the kids ever ever just rings me up giving me grief. Every week I have to drive for 1 hour to take them to see her as she has some health problems but does not make any effort to see me - We both live opposite ends of london - so she does have huge choice of transport options and is not actually disabled - another rant. Anyway off to playgroup now for a change of scene - thanks so much for your support - feel such guilt that i don;t know how to make it up to him - am just doing what he wants me to for today

OP, the things you describe are pushing you to your limit. IS there anything you can do to make DS1 less whingey?

If he is nearly 3 could he go to playgroup for a couple of hours? That will give him something new to focus on and you a bit of a break.

MMelindt is right, tell your mum to shut up and leave you alone.

It will get better in time, honestly it will.

Try to schedule things into your day that are fun for all of you, collecting leaves in the park, just going for a walk together and most of all try your very hardest to ignore his behaviour.

You are not an awful Mum, we all have times when we feel like you do at the moment.

You'll cope just fine. Both dc will be almost a year older by the time baby comes along. A lot happens in a year developmentally. Plus the 3yo will be in or getting ready to start school/nursery, no?

Get caller id and stop taking calls from your mum except for at a certain (calm) time of day/evening.

Is there a DH/DP around?

Oh and as for shouting - it's not a brilliant parenting technique, we all know that, but we have still all done it more than once. Children are extremely good at learning which buttons to push. I sent my 7yo outside to wait on the doorstep while I got her sisters coat etc on this morning as she would not stop winding us up

Ok.

Plan of action:

1. Practice saying this, "Sorry, Mum. It is such a trek across London to your place, I am going to cut it back to twice a month. If you want to come and see us, you are welcome anytime".

1. You are not just DS1's mum, you are DS2's mum and you are you. Don't feel that you have to be available to DS1 24/7. And don't let him make you feel guilty. He has to learn that there are other people in the family and they have the same rights as he does.

1. Get him used to playing alone. Which means ignoring the whining. Just ignore. Set an alarm for him - "Right, Mummy needs to do so you can play with for 5 minutes while I do that and then I will read you a story. Gradually increase the time that he spends alone and reward with special mummy time.

How do you react when he whines?

MmeLindt talks sense. It's hellishly difficult with two such young ones sometimes, some of my darkest hours have been since having DS2 who refused to sleep for over a year. You will cope, you're just frazzled and your mum isn't helping. I shout at my two more than I care to mention (partly because they wouldn't bloody hear me anyway if I didn't raise my voice!) and it's not ideal but you can't always be on top of your game.

I went on a parenting course (because it had a creche, tea, biscuits and adult company) and that was quite helpful in terms of teaching you coping strategies.

You are not a bad mummy. You are a lovely mummy having a rough time. There are some really good ideas here, but thought I would add that both times I was in early stages of being pregnant my DCs would react with terrible, clingy, whiny behaviour. They know something is different and that you're different and they feel that something big is afoot and it makes them feel insecure. Particularly when you're feeling ill, it's a bit scary for them so they act up.

Be kind to your self, this is the time for breaking rules about telly and treats and just going with whatever works.

And tell your mum to shut up if she can't be helpful - you feel exhausted and hormonal, she should be giving you support and confidence, not doing you down.

Your DS2 will be a different child again in seven months time when new baby arrives. They grow out of these phases before you know where you are.

Your mum sounds pretty insensitive. I'd push her over and shout in her face to shut up to be honest!

DS1, DS2 and new baby are likely to be 3 very different children. 18 months is also an akward (sp???) time - I know, I have one. It will all change and improve.

You are not an awful mummy, it sounds like your mum is.

Awkward, sorry. Brain melt there.

My daughter is almost 2, and I remember 18 months very well - lots of whining, separation anxiety, dragging me from place to place (she still bosses me around a lot: Mummy sit THERE!). Having to deal with a three year old as well is hard, and I have a supportive mum and a very hands-on husband and a part-time job.

If you're pregnant again I assume there's a partner, or is your mum trying to talk you into a termination because you're doing this solo? Either way, you need to stop pandering to her. if there's a partner on the scene you need more help. If there isn't, do you have friends you can do childcare swaps with?

You are not awful and I have had a similar experience with my DD last week and am also pregnant which i think does shorten your fuse and makes you anxious about the future. I also think that listening to the constant drone of whining is akin to torture.

I do think its tough for middle children though - they are not the baby or the big boy so they do sometimes need more nurturing.

I disagree with the other posters about all the activities, by all means get out of the house but when my DD is like that playdates make it all the more worse.

My mother keeps telling me that it will pass and I know it will, just wish it was quicker.

And tell your mother to shut up about terminations, thats a dreadful thing to say. I'd avoid her for a couple of weeks - you dont need the stress!

Your not a bad mum your just stressed and pushed to your limit. I only have one little un with another on the way. But he was very clingy at times. 3 is a funny age they are into everyhting. I used to get upset with the crying and whinning and was a breaking point a few times I was advised by a midwife to put him in his cot or his room where he was safe and to leave him for 5-10 mins maybe get a cup of tea and then go back later in a calmer state of mind. You do have to listen to your child cry which is heart wrenching but after a few times seemed to settle. I know you wont be able to gwt a cup of tea but at least it takes that away and you can spend time with your other little un. Give your self a break your pregnant and feeling like run down on top of this. As for your mother well she sounds very selfish and would not take too much notice of her. Next time she calls just say look I have had enough I need to sort hings out here if your going to be negative all the time I dont have time for it. You know where I live if you want me or want to see your grandkids. You cant do anymore than you are doing.

I used timeout at 1.5 and it worked a treat (count down then put in a boring room). I use it for whinging/other behaviour and it did improve things but you need to be consistent and do it at the first whinge/misbehaviour. Don't make a meal of it - just do it quickly and with little talking. You must also start to give him lots of positive attention and have fun/play together. Enjoy his company and be silly. He really only wants your attention at the end of the day and you need to set the tone.

Can you arrange to meet your mum half way at a soft play centre?

Thanks for all the advice ladies. I do have a DH - the pregnancy was planned but we fell the first time trying so I am now in a panic. DH leaves for work at 8 and returns at 7 then after he has eaten he often has "work" to do on laptop. He is lazy but if I ask him to do something he does it then sits straight back down again and waits until I ask him to do something else - he doesn't think anything needs doing.

So what happens to push me over the edge on a normal day is I set DS1 and DS2 up playing and say - I'm going to make lunch/ put washing on etc - _ less than 5 mins later DS2 is at my legs howling or in the other room sitting there howling - I used to think it was DS1 picking on him all the time but i have watched before and DS2 just decides to start crying a lot of the time although DS1 does take toys off him a lot too. So i calm him down and go to try and do what I was doing - cue screaming again. DS2 is such a sensitive child and is so tired in morning as gets up so early - i have just got back from a playgroup where he kept crying at the drop of a hat with other kids going near him - it doesn't help that DS1 has lost a bit of confidence at the moment too so likes me to shadow him too.

DS2 is the whiner and to be honest the noise really annoys me so i end up just picking him up and cuddling him or giving him his dummy but when the going is tough it is only for 5 mins before he is off again. He was a fussy baby too - always in a sling or breastfeeding - my swing and bouncy chair and jumperoo are all brand new (one reason I need another (wink))

I work as a nurse 2 days a week and 1 long shift every other weekend. The boys go to nursery on the 2 week days and DH has them on his own on that weekend day but he is so laid back and a different person to me that he just copes and the house is trashed when i come in and they have been to McDonalds etc!. The nursery have commented about DS2 and his neediness but accept him - usually i can but at the moment I jut can't stop painting a picture of the scene from hell this time next year and every whinge just makes the picture darker and me angrier. I will keep the boys in nursery whilst on Maternity leave so 1 saviour.

You may think - why id she ttc again then - and the answer is I think I must be crackers - I love kids and knew I should wait but something just pushed me - may be the fact that when I was 19 i was told by some thoughtless Dr that I have PCOS and would need help to conceive and despite easily getting pregnant with 1 and 2 the fear was still there - also everytime I saw a newborn i was insanely desperate for one again. Last year we were on holiday just after DS2 was born in Cornwall and all the families on the beach were 3 kids and that is what I really want. My mum disapproves I think because she had my sister and then 7 years late me and my brother came as twins and she really struggled and then got cancer so struggled even more , so I think she just looks back on our baby days in horror and can't see why i am doing it. With regards to visiting her - I have cut it down recently to every other week or to a weekend when DH can drive us. To be honest my mum wouldn't drive more than 1 mile - she has a car but has a million excuses as to why she can't drive far - not confident, leg hurts - the car just goes to Sainsbury and back.

So sorry to harp on - feel better getting it all down. DH is a a bit peeved with me for pushing him to ttc number 3 then crying a day after the BFP! He said - all i Wanted was to make you happy - my mum then rubbed salt into the wound at the weekend by saying - "you shouldn't have given in to her" Poor lovely DH (sad)

sorry wrong sort of brackets - only just started using this forum.

Where abouts are your sister/brother? Any chance one of thsoe two could take your dc for an afternoon once a week to give you some breathing space? Or an extra morning/afternoon in nursery for them?

It will get easier. I cope with the whining/whinging/fighting by putting my earphones in and blocking it all out with music, but mine are a quite a bit older (and and 7)

For the whining with ds2 - it will stop. My sister's boy was exactly the same. He would scream bloody murder if my sis even went to the loo. He's 3 now and he is loads better. Such a lovely little boy.

My sister has 2 small children 2.4yrs and 2mths and my brother works full time, has a 4 month old, lives near my mum and panders to all her "needs" eg changing light bulbs at the drop of a hat! No family help at all really - DH parents live far away and i dislike MIL. BIL and DH best mate are the most help but they are work full time and are single guys - bless them

Am sitting here watching cbeebies with them both sat on my lap holding each others hands = I love them so dearly just can't see the light or hear the calm and the end of the noisy whinging tunnel. I must solider on - work tomorrow means hot tea and lunch in peace - if anyone had told me 3 years ago that being a nurse on a busy ward was easier than being a mum i would have hit them but it is true

Ah, bless you, you do sound lovely.

First off. Do not ever feel that you need to justify your wish for a third child to anyone. Not to MN, not to your mother, not to your GP. It was your decision, together with your DH.

I can understand that it is difficult for you, and I won't lie and tell you that it will be easier in the next year. It may well be bloody hard. But I am 6 years further on (albeit with 2 dc not 3) and it really is lovely to have the children reasonably close in age.

My two argue sometimes but they are really really good friends and play nicely together. It does get better.

Thanks again for all your replies. I have lost the baby - mmc so having a ERPC tomorrow am. No looking forward to the "its for the best" and "everything happen for a reason" comments from the mother. I will try for another though! x

God kitkey I'm so sorry to hear that, and that noone has answered your latest post until now! Hope you're feeling ok and getting lots of cuddle time with your two hugs