Please help me - I lost my temper with my son

[Shouted]

He's just 5. He has a great life. We are a nice, middle class family. I try extremely hard to be a great mother and my children are generally very happy.

Today, I shouted - full volume - in his face, shook him and poked him in his solar plexus. I dragged him from one end of the house to the other. I lost my temper for about 5 minutes. Significant and prolonged provocation, but that's not the point. The point is what I did was awful and wrong.

I am so, so horrified, afraid and ashamed. I've told my husband some of it, but missed out the part about shaking the boy. I had forgotten it until now. Husband was mildly supportive, knowing how infuriating our son can be, but obviously concerned. Little has been said.

I feel like a fucking monster, I never want to do it again, but I don't know how to ask - or whom - for help.

So I came here.

have you heared of boared maker. it is communication system based on pics designed for use with sn children. it is an expensive package however to get free pics there is a yahoo group specificaly for boared maker and some folks up load pics.

i never read how to talk but similar to some techniques i have lernt and use with sn children. Please is a request so gives an element of choice with out please it becomes a firm instruction.

I also limit how may words i use during an instuction. ie go and get shoes. once they have returned with shoes, sit down. undo laces velcro. put one shoe on, then the other. breaking it down into smaller instructions keeps them engaged.

Some times children translate only the first few words so get your shoes and put them on. the put them on gets lost.

ps ment to say have fun this evening with ds friend round.

I find the how to talk method where you move through fewer and fewer words really helpful.
Maybe it's just me, but I tend to find I get more verbose when I'm getting frustrated - and it forces me not to do that thing of ....
'I am feeling really frustrated now. I do not want to have to tell you again, I asked you three times = so please put your shoes on or we'll be late for school"
I always think the average 5 year old in that situation is probably a bit like that classic far side cartoon with the dog listening to the master and hearing only one word in 10...and you can bet it won't be the word shoes.

The other thing I've done with ds is a simple peice of paper with one word written on it (in his case 'Fingerspace!' when writing! It made it into a joke and stopped me feeling like a nag. How about a picture of shoes you just bung in front of his eyes??

I'm slightly surprised by the universal 'oh that's fine, we've all been there' response to this post.

Most mothers (including myself) HAVE been there in terms of having feelings of extreme anger towards their children, and of shouting at their children. But have most mothers honestly had experience of shaking, poking and dragging their children around the house? Really? I think this is way more extreme that the usual'shouty mummy' behaviour.

I have every sympathy with you OP in terms of how angry children can make you, especially when dealing with more than 1 at the same time.

I'm honestly not saying this to make you feel bad, but to make you sit up and take notice and realise that you should really DO something about this, especially as you have admitted that this is part of an escalating pattern of behaviour on your part. Can you have an honest conversation with your DH to get a view on how he sees the situation?

Look into parenting classes, anger management, counselling. You mention that your own mother was violent so YOU know how damaging this behaviour is to a child.

You have had lots of sensible advice on this thread in terms of techniques and books, 'Superpowers for parents' is also a good one. I hope you can find the help you need, either from books or from some sort of anger management class.

IamCounting - I love that cartoon. Isn't it "blah blah blah blah Rover blah blah blah"?

I think in your example the 5yo just hears "blah blah blah blah", tbh!

(Are you also a fan of "Cat Fud"?)

Thanks for posts.

Fanjo - I agree. Truly, I do. It can't happen again.

How did this morning go?

Lots of wise comment on here

Can remember saying matter-of-factly, not smugly, that I wasn't a very shouty mum and then gradually over time became one. Have mostly nipped it in the bud. Dh & I use this to deal with all the little niggles.

It takes the stress out of it and the onus is on them to stop and reflect which I like, rather than having something done to them as punishment iyswim.

Better, thanks.

Keep re-reading this thread!

shouted interesting about being 'hard wired'.

I recently attended a few sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as I suffer from anxiety.

I have a nrly 11 month old DD and a 3.5 yr old DS and both times after having babies I get really anxious.

I thought it would be more about how I am at present and my fears of the future but I surprised myself with how upset I got about my past.

I had a very shouty impatient mother and extremley bad tempered father.

The anxiety, it seems, stems from there.
I also try very hard to be a totally different parent but under stress I default to shouting and ranting in DS's face and I beat myself up endlessley for it.
I feel im repeating my parents behaviours.

The one thing that helped me feel I was not the worst mother in the world but one who cared and tried very hard to be the best I could...

The therapist asked me "from 1-10, 10 being the worst, how often was there shouting when you grew up" -I said 8

Same again, but how often do we shout in our house now, I said 3.

She said, "clearly this is not a case of histoy repeating itself then"

Do this with yourself, I think you'll find the same as you sound like you try hard to be a good mum. x

this was me earlier this morning with DS (3.6yo). I said sorry for being shouty but I think I scared him so I feel like the shittest mum in the world now :( I know how you feel OP. It is so bloody hard at times and you just wish they'd leave you alone but you feel trapped and can't escape from the constant back chat.

sneakapeak - thank you for that.

Lovechoc - how are things today?

this was me a week ago. like you, i worried that my shouting in dd's face could turn into something worse, and that in itself was something i didn't want to repeat. like you, this is how i remember my own mother from my childhood, and like you, all i can think about is how furious i am. its only moments later, or sometimes as the words are leaving my mouth, that i start to see what a bully i must look. I feel like i'm on the edge of an abyss and looking down, i can see how other parents become physically or verbally abusive to their kids, and i'm thinking 'that's a place i really don't want to go. that's a place i can never go.' And then i see how vulnerable and young and silly dd is, and how she can't help half the things that drive me insane.

Shouted- I appreciate your honesty. Been there, done that, felt like shit. Sighed with relief when my son still behaved like his happy self the next day and still adored me. I do the time out for me thing (go and sit in my room for five minutes), and I've only just had the guts to talk (and cry) to my friend about how frustrating parenting can get at times. I agree with the people who say that "been there, done that" doesn't excuse me from yelling at my son til my throat hurt, but we need to talk about it so we can help each other deal with it. Hence I've read this thread for advice.

things much better today, better day for him at nursery today too thankfully! :)

Just wanted to post because the more that do, the more you realise you aren't alone. It's a tough game this parenting! Where's an instruction manual when you need one?!

Shouted I have been there and have largely turned it around, although this morning I had my first shouty episode in a long time.

I had an abusive childhood and therapy made me realise how much that was affecting my parenting now. It changed my life. Maybe counselling could help you?

You apologised to your ds, that is priceless. I was never apologised to after I was ranted and raved at. We are allowed to make mistakes as long as we recognise them as such and take steps to rectify them, as you are doing.

Yes technically you can describe isolated episodes such as these as abuse and I agree it is good we really look at ourselves and the impact it has on our kids. However real abuse is something different and should never be confused with a stressed mum who loves her kids but has lost it and knows such.

Real abusers do not feel sorry and don't even know that what they are doing is abuse. Real abuse is perpetual and systematic emotional neglect and torment and/or physical violence. In my case it was sexual too. I feel uneasy with what is described here being equated with child abuse. A real child abuser would not be posting on here desperately seeking advice on how to improve her parenting.

Do you love your ds unconditionally? Do you love him for who and what he is and respect his individuality? I suspect the answer is yes and do you know what? he will know that instintively because kids are amazingly perceptive. He will not be damaged beyond repair by bad patches in parenting and if he does remember, he will also remember that you apologised and you were ashamed of yourself thus he won't internalise it as something wrong within himself.

For me it was the wanting and living the nice family life you refered to in your initial post but the repressed knowledge of a very damaged and unhappy childhood. It could trigger outbursts and anger. I wonder if this might be relevant to you?

I maybe way off the mark but the other advice here has been great. I have a 4yr old ds and a 17month old dd and it can be hell if you are tired, have no support and are cooped up!

Wish - excellent post.

Today i did something so bad all day i keep crying and the guilt is unbearable and now i would say i abused my child.... My 3 year daughter was playing up this morning the typical wouldn,t get ready to go out, kept lying on the floor whining and i lost it with her. She had her coat and shoes on all ready to go out but she decided she wanted the toilet and then to lie on the floor whining about not going out. Something inside my flipped and I dragged her up bu her coat about a few inches from the floor then threw her down and now she has a carpet burn on her nose. She was screaming, straight away i knew what i had done and started crying and saying im sorry and seeing the mark on her nose is a constant reminder how i hurt her this morning. I cry everytime i think about it. Good moms don,t do this. I feel like the worst mother in the world because when my partner gets home from work later im gunna have to get her to lie saying she fell over. We are trying for a baby at the minute and i don,t want him thinking im going to be hurting his child. She seems to have forgotten about it now. Has any other mothers done this?

Hi there. I signed up just because of your post. I am up late scouring the Internet looking for help with the same.
Lots of good ideas above to try to prevent from getting to that point....
But I agree the trouble is not knowing when you are going to lose your temper.
I know too walking out of the room is great if you have control enough to do that...
I did think of something though in dealing with my daughter and talking about it with her.
If she says to me when she knows I am getting annoyed "don't get to level two mom", that helps me. I don't really know why, but I think it puts a little humour in it for me, and makes me aware of where I'm at, and it gives me confidence that my child trusts me. I find it almost soothing, like we are on the same team trying to get through whatever it is.
I've also told her to tell me to have a time out! I know she feels better feeling like she has some tools she can use in those situations.
I really feel your pain, and I thank you for sharing it.
One more thought I've been thinking about lately too.....
It's exactly the same for me, it's the passive ignoring that really gets to me, I start thinking my child should not do this, that she does it because I'm not a very good leader as a parent, in other words, I start taking it very personally, that her behaviour reflects my weak parenting, and then I suddenly believe that I MUST get control right now! And that pretty much means getting really mad. I swear it is all in the faulty thinking. The more I think about it, the more I think losing my temper is linked to me thinking that my child just doesn't respect me and doesn't think I'm worth listening to, and that I'm not worthwhile, because that is simply unbearable, my biggest fear! Maybe that fear and feeling lurks underneath constantly and when it rears its ugly head in those testy moments, it becomes an emergency to make my child respect and obey me! I'm pretty sure I am insecure about those very issues, and I can see that putting all those unfulfilled expectations on her, my six year old child, as my last hope, is so ridiculous and unhealthy! It is ridiculous but I really think that is the way our minds work!
I'm sure attacking the problem from different angles is the best strategy..,
Changing the thinking that makes you lose your mind, making yourself aware of the situations that trigger you, planning ahead with some strategies to use on your kid, giving your child some strategies to use when mommy starts getting too angry, and then our own bail out plan such as leaving the room etc.
Hopefully if we have all those safeguards in place, we won't get to that awful point of losing our temper.
Hope I haven't said too much, and when I say you, I mean me too!

Wishiwas21...and so many others..
Really really good posts. So glad I found this site tonight. I feel encouraged. Thank you

I've started to recognise the feeling in me - that split second before I switch to shouting mode. It wasn't always there but I've become much more self aware of it. And when I do shout, I almost feel relieved because it is a reaction I know and recognise. Staying calm is harder because it is more alien to me, sad as that sounds.

It is the shame, the feeling of shame which keeps a check on me resorting to verbal violence. I walk away and explain to my DCs why I walk away and that I will always come back when I am calm.

Linda you are so right about the feeling not worthwhile or that my children don't respect me! That's exactly it.

The thing is, children love their parents pretty much what ever they do. We have the position of power here despite how it feels :(

Ooooold thread.

I'm actually crying with relief a bit, reading this thread. I am turning into a shouty mum, and I so don't want to be. But DS6 and DD4 can drive me to screaming with frustration. They're neither of them naughty, just the usual defiance/boundary pushing/vague behaviour when faced with practical requests. I get the red mist frighteningly often, though I usually manage to grit my teeth and not go off like an Exocet.

My only satisfaction is that so far, I am avoiding replicating the biting nastiness of my own DM.....