Please help me - I lost my temper with my son

[Shouted]

He's just 5. He has a great life. We are a nice, middle class family. I try extremely hard to be a great mother and my children are generally very happy.

Today, I shouted - full volume - in his face, shook him and poked him in his solar plexus. I dragged him from one end of the house to the other. I lost my temper for about 5 minutes. Significant and prolonged provocation, but that's not the point. The point is what I did was awful and wrong.

I am so, so horrified, afraid and ashamed. I've told my husband some of it, but missed out the part about shaking the boy. I had forgotten it until now. Husband was mildly supportive, knowing how infuriating our son can be, but obviously concerned. Little has been said.

I feel like a fucking monster, I never want to do it again, but I don't know how to ask - or whom - for help.

So I came here.

You are NOT an aberation!

If it happens again (and I am afraid it might!!) then go into another room - lock the door if you have to and calm down.

Saying sorry to him was the right thing to do and also going to the park...I find when my 2 ds are getting on my nerves (or each others) the best thing to do is get out of the house!

I remember saying to my GP when ds1 was very young (he only slept in 40 mins stretches day and night and after a while it got a bit wearing!) that I sometimes felt like throwing him out of the window! {sad]

My GP looked at me and said;
"yes, but you dont actully do it, do you? so dont worry"
I also told him I shouted at ds1 too much (I have never smacked either of my dc) and he said;
"there are worse things to do to a child than shouting!"

OK?

it sounds like you have a lot to juggle in the mornings.

is it possible you get your self up and get ready before waking ds get dressed as soon as out of bed with a little help from you if needed, breakfast shoes on coat ready then telle goes on and get other child ready.

Orange - yes, completely get what you're saying.

I felt I wanted to talk to someone in the build up to it all, but then I was so ashamed of feeling so pissed off with him and thought, well, who can I tell? My inlaws (who are nearest) don't get it, my mum would over react, my husband would tell me to get a grip, my friends don't seem to suffer from the same issue (or hide it very, very well). I considered this site, but it wasn't immediate enough.

I felt like I needed some kind of anonymous helpline or text exchange service; somewhere I could say I AM GOING MENTAL, PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I DO SOMETHING AWFUL. And for the other person to say something to sympathise, but also bring me back to normality.

alittlebitshy: can I ask, does knowing that others feel/do this make you feel a bit less likely to do it again? Because on one hand, I'm cautious about making myself think it's ok (because it's never ok to do that to a child), but I am also feeling so much better about it now that people are admitting they have felt or done similar.

I wonder if some of it is about being on one's own with the kids, in a variety of ways: a) that it can be bloody difficult b) it is doubly frustrating that there is no one to share it with and c) that I start to drift from the path, if you know what I mean. I sometimes lose my way (moral compass, if you like) when I'm the only one there.

Is that all total bollocks???

Really appreciating responses: thank you so much. Difficult to reply to all, but reading everything over and over again.

GIN - genius!!! Get him ready BEFORE the telly goes on!

I am liking that so much.

Glad I've seen this thread, and think I may try some of the suggestions because, Shouted, I could have written your posts .

I'm so pleased the thread might help others, too :)

That sounded cheesy, eh?

Learn from it and move on. I lost it once with my dd and felt so utterly wretched afterwards that I never did it again. Children can push us to the limits. Just walk away and breathe next time.

...We'll all be hugging next

Shouted, it's always when there's noone else there, isn't it - just you and the kids. I wonder what it is that allows us not to self-regulate our behaviour then, as we would do in public. Most of us wouldn't dream of doing the mad shouty thing in public. So why do we lose the ability to keep our tempers in check when alone, and scare our children half to death - the one person they should be able to trust above all others to keep them safe and happy, and protect them? It makes me want to cry that I've done this to my kids.

Orange, I have those exact same thoughts. If anyone else did anything approaching that to my children, I would be outraged and probably violent towards them. But as you say, the very person who would otherwise protect them and keep them safe is the one perpetrating what is (I think) abuse. It makes me feel utterly wretched.

It is very, very difficult. I don't like the part of my personality that does this behind closed doors, but wouldn't do it in public. What's that about; that my fear of social censure is bigger than my concern for the welfare and happiness of my children?

II see you've had lots of sympathy (I add mine - I'm another one who knows that feeling) ...I too come from a shouty family where low level violence was normal, & I know the tendency is not far below my surface.

But here are some practicals that have helped me get out the door with a dreamy boy:

• very clear structure to the morning. So that there is no playing/TV until they have 1. got dressed, 2 had breakfast, 3 gone to bathroom and brushed/washed. Whilst this is going on, I get bags ready near the door. On good days, I get shoes and coats by the door too - it's amazing how much time that saves
• with ds, I have to touch him to make him pay attention. It stops me just getting louder and louder to get his attention. Instead, I just touch his arm until he resurfaces (it's something I started doing with a mate who's deaf). I also just remove anything that is distracting him. On occassions it flies across the room ...
• I also have a 'patience balloon'. When I'm starting to get pissed off with them I warn them my balloon is getting bigger. They know when it gets to a certain stage I'll 'explode'. And then I let them know what they need to do to help shrink the balloon down. It really helps me verbalise how hacked off I'm getting, and them visualise my frustration, and what they can do to sort it out.

Clearly, I'm not saying mornings in my house are all muffins and giggles (or indeed that I remember to do them all the time) - but they have all helped me on occassions.

I have done this too, on more than one occasion However, my DS (who was the worst for winding me, and anyone else, up) is now older and more mature, and we have these potentially explosive scenarios much more infrequently.

I tried to find ways of managing situations to try to avoid this type of thing happening - if you know what is likely to happen, you can organise things in a different way IYSWIM!

I would definitely agree that you must ensure that they are completely ready, with coat and bag at hand BEFORE you let the TV go on. (Even then he may take his shoes off and complain that they are uncomfortable whilst watching TV - had that too!)

I try and think about my DCs' memories of their childhood in order to calm down.

As you say, it makes no sense to care more what others might think than for the feelings of the children you love. But it seems many if us are the same when really wound up.

I find that imagining them grown up telling someone else about their childhoods reminds me that they are people too, despite being young. That sounds weird, I'm not sure I've explained it too well!

Yes, it is abuse, as you say, and no matter how many supportive responses you get here (as I have too; I've posted personally on this subject here before) and how many people say "don't beat yourself up, we've all done it", I think we should beat ourselves up, personally, and not accept it as the inevitable result of having your buttons pushed. Sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel any worse, it's just that I think it's a problem to be constantly worked on to try and eliminate, rather than a little slip which happens to everyone and which won't do any harm in the long run. I'm seriously worried that it might ? even if I never shout at her again, DD is more than old enough now to have bad memories of these incidents in later life, and for that I wish I could go back to the start and live her life all over again. Agree with DameGladys ? I want my kids to look back and remember an idyllic peaceful childhood, but fear I've spoiled that already.

Sorry that I have no real answers! But plenty of sympathy.

Right then, so tomorrow:

Mention shoes once

Say you aren't going to ask again, if he doesn't put them on he's going out in his socks

Don't mention the shoes again

Go out. You carry the shoes. If it's wet, put spare socks in your bag.

One small change. What will the next one be?

What was the trigger point yesterday?

Shoes. Well, his refusal to respond to my requests, coupled with the increasingly fervent requests of his sister (22 months) to "go out, walk, come on mummy". So he got some of the flak that was actually all about my irritation with her, er, bleating. She's lovely, but she's very young and newly talkative, and she does bleat when she wants something very much. He was like the roadblock that was preventing me from solving all problems i.e. getting out. As soon as we're out, we feel better. I calm down, they run around - it's all good.

If it's just me and one of them, I don't feel the same tension. But 2 kids and no other adult around ... sometimes I really, really struggle.

Orange: I agree. I don't want to excuse it at all or give myself the slightest bit of slack. I don't think you can or should ever condone it. I want to handle it better; yes, DS can be a real pain, but he is 5 and that, to some extent, is his remit. To be honest, whilst I am finding it a relief that others feel/do similar, I'm simultaneously sad for the small people who are therefore on the other end of it. I hope that those amongst us who ARE prone to losing their temper can improve their situations.

Gladys, Tilly, Counting - thank you. I like the balloon idea. I might even introduce the idea with a real balloon and let it go pop for dramatic effect.

Acanthus: I'll report back about the shoes! :)

Shouted - you say you need some anonymous phoneline to help when you are getting pissed off with your son - have you ever phoned Parentline here? I used to phone them when I felt desperate with my son. They were wonderful.

Also, I really agree with the idea of a strict routine in the morning to lower the stress levels. And I get everything ready the night before so that I don't have to think about anything other than making sure the kids are dressed and fed in the morning. Having to get to school on time and then discovering one of the children has lost a shoe just before we go is one of my triggers for the scary red mist you mention.

It's really interesting reading all these posts from other mums who feel shocked at their own anger too. I was appalled at how angry my son used to make me. My father had a terrible temper and I knew how frightening and upsetting it was to be around him when he lost it, so I did not want to repeat history. Learning to face up to that in me and to deal with it helped me to grow up in a way I had never had to before.

I'm hoping that what I learned then may be useful in the next big challenge - the teenage years .

I second the idea of finding some way of telling them that your temper is going.

I try to do that now and I do think it has helped.

Once I ranted and raved so much and realised that before I blew my stack I had probably appeared relatively calm to the DCs, and my outburst was therefore probably quite scary.

I remembered my own Mum seeming to suddenly explode with no warning and felt so sad - I really didn't want to be like that because I remember how bewildering it was.

So now I give them a clear verbal warning that I am close to losing my temper and it helps a lot.

Interestingly, I was talking to my Mum about this, and she said: "I could never understand when you were kids why you couldn't read the signs that I was getting angry." I said to her "Well I think that's the problem . . . we think they have noticed the talking-through-gritted-teeth and other body language, but actually I think children just don't see things like that."