Cry-it-out used on newborn

[Sappholit]

I know someone who has a 10-month-old baby who she left to cry-it-out from the age of 4 days because her husband said they couldn't have a bay who would only sleep on their chests. They shut the baby in another room until she stopped crying.

The baby has always slept through the night and this couple in genuine innocence are very proud of the method they used. They seem to have no idea about why newborn babies cry.

They are now expecting their second child and will be doing the same thing. I really want to point out the effect of such treatment on a newborn but (a) I'm not sure it's my place and (b) they are very opinionated and blame the fact that I have a sleepless 8-month-old on the fact that I didn't put her down for the first 6 weeks.

WHat would you do in my situation? I usually just think everyone should be left to bring up their children as they see fit, but this is such a massive issue for me - I am very worried about the impending baby being given such brutal treatment as soon it's out of the womb.

Have read a few posts recently of women along the lines of 'my husband made me do x' or 'my husband wouldn't let me go to the baby'. It makes me feel sad that some women can be so weak at times that they ignore their own instincts and the needs of their baby, for the sake of 'obeying' their husband. I can't even imagine a situation where my baby would be crying and DH would be trying to stop me from going to him, but he would get pretty short shrift if he ever tried it. Why can't mums stand up for themselves more sometimes??!

Good grief, I feel for those poor children :(

There is this good book on newborn babies and how early parenting effects chemicals in their brains. Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain by Sue Gerhardt

Link to website here

Maybe you could explain briefly how you feel and suggest this website/book as a good source of information.

Or maybe buy a second hand copy of the book and pass it to her as a 'good read that you think she might enjoy' and hope she reads it and rethinks her approach to nightime parenting.

You should have, Jux. [hsad]

I wonder if this is a similar situation, with one partner overruling the other, or like Bill Oddie's poor mother and the granny.

OP, Do you think she really left it to cry it out, or does she just say she did to try to impress? Maybe she thinks saying the child sleeps right through makes her sound like a great parent. Especially if this is what her OH has led her to believe.
I only ask, because I find it hard to believe that anyone could listen to a newborn cry for that long. Christ - I was only getting one shower a week when my LO was born!!!

Could you mention that babies that have their cries responded to promptly tend to cry less in the long term because they feel secure and 'listened to?'

If she's not feeding through the night, the baby will fail to thrive and it will get picked up on at weight checks (hopefully)and then a HV can discuss possible reasons.

Sad as it is, you can only say something if you're prepared to lose this friend over it.

I agree in not allowing babies, especially newborns, to be left crying with no response.

I have done both though.

When my first was born I had a combination of undiagnosed reflux, a mother and grandmother with a victorian attitude to bringing up children and only one friend had had a baby and she handed me the Gina Ford book as soon as I announced my PG.

Unfortunately I had DS 3.1 weeks early and he had reflux. I had never heard of it and I was constantly at the doctors explaining that he wouldn't stop screaming and I struggled to BF him, he kept arching and pulling away . The useless Docs and HV didn't mention reflux, just said it was 'normal'.

I was an absolute state of anxiety and nerves and my mum said "if he's been fed, burped and changed and he is still crying there's nothing you can do except allow him to cry it out.

I actually used to bury my head under a pillow and cry, listening to him scream and scream as cuddling him didn't work and my mum put the fear of god into me about letting him sleep in the bed or on DH. I thought id suffocate him.

He was 5 months old before I took him up to hospital and broke down and the Doc diagnosed reflux, gave him meds and he turned into a happy baby.

DD was also born 3.1 weeks early (I have an impatient womb and she had reflux but I knew what it was by 5-7 weeks.

She slept on DH or me for 3 months and we literally walked around with her for 5 months.

The difference was,I now had the experience of talking to other mums. I felt awful and I worried myself sick about what I might have done to DS.

Like your friends, it was a case of I just didn't know better.

I think people can be very judgemental especially when it comes to bringing up children.

I don't think many parents will set out to damage their children. They just might have different ideas from different sources.

DS is a very confident happy little boy but (now 3.5) but Ive noticed when he is very upset (maybe been woken up or had a bad fall)he is hysterical and can't be comforted easily until he calms down .
I obviously blame the crying at an early age but I could never be sure.

DD however (now nrly 11 months) will stop crying when picked up.

Maybe your friends could do with some gentle advice but it's a tricky one.

I would have appreciated it but not sure how id have taken it if it seemed like a personal attack, tread carefully.

Just out of interest, They both didn't sleep through until 6 months so it didn't make a difference that way.

I never starved him through the night though, Id always make sure he wasn't hungry first - shudder at the thought of starving them .

What tiktok said about the physical aspect. Just because their first baby was (presumably) strong enough to cope with not being fed all night without ill effects, there is no guarantee that their second baby will. And it seems a big risk to take.

kate76, I'm so glad you're so strong. I used to be.

By the time dd was born I was ill and bullied into believing that I knew nothing, was useless, incompetent, a burden. Believe me, I tried to stand up to him, but I learnt that he would only respond if he actually got involved with the consequences of his own decisions. Luckily for dd, he was still open to 'helping' clear up at that time. He managed to harden himself up quite quickly though.

If you have been bullied for years and made to feel that not only are you a useless burden but that you are malingering when you are actually extremely ill, well, when it happens to you - which I hope it never will - then you may understand why some women find it quite hard to 'defy' their husbands.

Hello,

I am an attached parent. I exlusively breastfeed, baby wear, co-sleep and respond to my LO's needs immediately and with care and affection because babies need that warmth and connection.

Parent's seem to forget that their LO's have been growing inside Mum for 9 months. Been kept warm, thriving, fed and comforted and when they come out of their nice squishy home, they will expect the same thing.

It is unnatural i believe to force a newborn to CIO. Newborns cry because they need something. I believe even crying for a cuddle is important.

However, in your situation i don't really think you can say much, as it is up to each parent how they bring up their child. Maybe you could make a few friendly hints, but i am really not sure how you approach this one.

I would probably say nothing at all, as it isn't my place. I would be very upset if someone questioned my parenting.

Ally

Not sure where you are getting these studies but it is well known that kids that learn to self soothe become smarter. Logically it has to be the case because they learn to do things on there own.
If you have fed winded changed and cuddled your child. If they then cry at night and nothing is wrong it's habit of getting attention when they cry.
When a baby will learn to be a lot happier if they can sleep at night wake up for feeds. And mostly spend there walk g hours during the day when they parents are awake and happy.
No you should not let a new born go hungry obviously.
That is neglect.
But crying it out does work but not many can do it because yes it's hard.
But no it's not neglectful.
People that think it's neglectful are mentally weak.
Your child will more likely be successful, entrepreneur minded adults.
A child that is cuddled to much generally become very unsure of themselves and need a lot of validation to tell them there right.
Even modern midwives say it's ok for a baby to cry it out. No baby ever died from crying.
I'm not sure if this couple that this was written about actually leave there baby all night not to eat.
From what I gathered he didn't want his baby relied on being cuddled to sleep.
Which cuddling baby's to sleep can actually be damaging for the reason I have explained.
Unless you know for a fact that they leave there new born baby to not eat for over 8 hours every night.
I'd suggest don't go shouting your mouth off to every Tom dick and Harry because you don't think it's right not to cuddle your baby to sleep.
These people are suppose to be your friends and if this is the case that they do feed there baby at least every 4 hours , you are not a very good friend and surprised that they would remain friends with someone who is so quick to call them child abusers

You're a great person to have around eight years after the event, @Thinksmrt

🙄🙄

I'm really upset that anyone could think this isn't abuse by way of neglect.

A tiny baby isn't fed when hungry and isn't comforted when upset (at least not within nighttime hours) How is that in any way defensible as a "parenting method". You're leaving a baby to cry so hard and for so long that eventually they fall to sleep not because they're content but because they're completely exhausted.

If it was someone I knew well I would honestly say something. I wouldn't care about it being awkward or losing a friend. I couldn't associate with anyone willing to inflict that much suffering on a baby.

Ah bollocks. How do these threads even get dredged up?! I'm normally so good at looking at the time/date

I just thought neglect is being thrown around to much when even midwives say you need to leave your baby to cry sometimes.
All these stupid comments about it being neglect not feeding your baby is obviously neglectful know one doubts that but letting a baby cry is not neglect providing you have checked there needs