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Original poster

I am disappearing - HELP

31 replies

voteforchange · 28/10/2010 10:46

I have two healthy happy dcs age 1.5 and 3, I know I am very lucky, and I have a good life. The trouble is that I feel in becoming a mother, the person I once was has completely disappeared. Everything I do is geared to entertaining/feeding/caring for the dcs or dh. I have recently taken some time out to try and get back to work, but can't find a job and my self-confidence is at rock bottom. Beyond the children, my life is so empty I am embarrassed by it when we see friends and family and I feel very judged by childless friends and colleagues. I don't know where to begin to stop feeling this way.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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DancingIceDragons · 28/10/2010 10:48

is there a hobby that you love that is you? do you get time to occassionally see your friends/do non mummy stuff?

Katisha · 28/10/2010 10:53

Well what immediately strikes me is that you are allowing yourself to feel "judged". I bet they aren't judging you. It's just that you have moved into an area of life that they don't (yet) have a clue about.

Take small steps - go out for a drink/film now and then. And maybe help out in some charitable way while you carry on looking for a job.

But whatever you do don't give up. And don't give in to unfavourable comparing yourself with others - it's NEVER constructive.

Original poster

voteforchange · 28/10/2010 10:56

I've neglected my life for what seems like so long - probably about 3.5 years - that I haven't made time for anything non-child related for a very long time indeed. I feel guilty taking time out for myself, but I think I need to. We recently moved to an entirely new area, and all the people I know are other mothers so far.

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Faaamily · 28/10/2010 10:56

Do you have other friends who are mothers, that you can talk this through with?

What is your area of work, if you don't mind me asking? Could you do some volunteering in that area, to improve your CV and get your confidence back?

Or maybe you could go back to studying, to gain back that confidence and get soem new skills?

Serious life stuff aside - do you get a break from the kids now and then? Do you have a social life?

Questions, questions, sorry! Just trying to get a sense of what's missing in your life...

Katisha · 28/10/2010 10:58

Guilt is a pointless emotion. How does feeling "guilty" about doing something child-free help anyone, yourself included?

FWIW I think it's great that you have recognised all this pretty early on - you haven't had a realisation that you can't get back to work or whatever once your children are in secondary school, like someone I know...

You have time and motivation - quit the guilt and get out a bit! Maybe a charity shop would like a couple of hours help or something? Our local paper has a section on local organisations that are looking for a few hours help.

Original poster

voteforchange · 28/10/2010 11:02

I don't really feel I have anyone to talk to about this - I suppose that's why I came on Mumsnet. I used to be a journalist and PR, and had a very busy career but that came to an end 18 months ago with ML. Time away from the kids I've been spending job-hunting, without any success, so may be I do need to think about adding to my skills but I'm not sure how. Social life revolves around the children, largely because we are in a new area and that is how we have met people. I think what is missing from my life is me!

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SquirrelonmyHead · 28/10/2010 11:10

I do think it's ok to give yourself over to your kids when they are tiny. Yes you need time to yourself but you are doing a great thing by being there for them and shouldn't feel inferior to others who have different lives. Unfortunately raising children is not given the respect it deserves, but it sounds as if you are 'feeling' judged even before anyone does any judging.

Do take steps towards getting more of a life for yourself but also acknowledge that how you feel about your role is more about how you feel than others who may or may not be judging you.

Original poster

voteforchange · 28/10/2010 11:11

Thank you for listening and for your helpful posts.

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DancingIceDragons · 28/10/2010 11:11

I think this is why i asked about a hobby that is you time. My ds has SN needs, a sleep disorder. last year I knew few people in the area, I was trying to retrain and imploding from it affecting Ds and Ds affecting the retraining. I failed miserably. But In the middle of all hell breaking out around me i started skating again. this is me time. It recharges my emotional batteries. i hva friends who i know only within the time of training. But that has made a huge difference to my life. It has helped to balance me. Which means I actually have more emotional and physical energy for looking after ds.

My advice is to do something like this. Mostly I do it whilst ds is in school these days. I am still looking for work but have the emotional confidence to realise that if i dont get the job i am not right for the role/there was someone better. And adjust what i am looking for/my cv and letter etc. It is not my job that defines who I am. just a part of it. I need to be happy with the rest of it as well. This is the biggest realisation I have had to make since I had ds.

iyswim.

DancingIceDragons · 28/10/2010 11:14

Oh and often it is as little as a few hours of training a week although i am addicted and would happily spend acoupleofhoursperdaytraining

ds being at school age made age difference too.

Original poster

voteforchange · 28/10/2010 11:18

Thanks DancingIceDragons - I can see the sense in what you are saying and it sounds like you have a lot more to cope with than I do! It's a long time since I have done something like that, due to demands of work followed by children. I have allowed myself to be defined by other things, work and family.

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worm77daisy · 28/10/2010 11:37

I felt like this, lonely old saddo, and put myself on a one evening a week silversmithing course.

My DH looks after DD for that evening and I feel soooo much better in myself for a) meeting new and interesting people; b) having something interesting non children related to talk about; c) feel like I am genuinely learning a new skill.

I think the brill thing about my course is that you can chat whilst you are doing it. It has been really enjoyable and I really miss it when I can't go. It only costs £80 per term, my sister does a course in pottery in London for about the same price and she really enthuses about hers too.

worm77daisy · 28/10/2010 11:39

Oh and I am not creative at all, so don't let that hold you back if you aren't too.

Katisha · 28/10/2010 11:39

What about setting yourself some writing homework? Post some online book reviews perhaps? Don't know what branch of journalism you were in, and I know there's very little paid work about at the moment, but you could maybe keep your hand in online?

A while ago a friend and I started a book club - maybe you could broach that with some of your new acquaintances? Frankly we spend very little time actually talking about the book, and quite often no-one has actually finished it, but it's great for an informal evening drinking wine and getting the local goss!

Awitch · 28/10/2010 11:42

good for you! this is great, you can turn this around pretty easily you know, but the first thing is spotting it.
you're a journo, so write a blog. and an ex pr, so pr stuff on your blog. build up a following, so that when you go back to work you have something demonstrable achieved in the time off (other than raising two children, of course).
and are you looking good? how's your hair? swishy bob or scrunchied off your face? you need a good haircut. before anything good can happen in your life, you need a great haircut...

Original poster

voteforchange · 28/10/2010 11:53

thank you for the great suggestions - I have thought about a blog and I used to be an avid reader. Online writing is a good idea too.

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Awitch · 28/10/2010 11:59

you'll be really well placed with your pr stuff. and if you build up followers you can go back saying 'i have ten thousand people who want to do what i tell them, so pay me big money, biatch.'

haircut?

minipie · 28/10/2010 12:12

Blog sounds like a good idea. I think simply having discussions and airing your opinions about non-child related topics can help you feel more like you - it doesn't have to be a hobby per se, it's more about reclaiming your own head space and topics of conversation IYSWIM.

Get lots of newspapers for ideas of what's hot, look into any areas that interest you on t'internet, air some opinions on MN or the bbc website, then write a blog piece or two...

DancingIceDragons · 28/10/2010 12:17

I think the hair cut is what has been holding me back. Aitch. So this is advice i shall be pinching and will make appoint with new hairdressers in town. Will give it a chance to grow out before christmas if i hate it.

Katisha · 28/10/2010 12:20

Also, don't lose your old contacts. See if someone from your old workplace(s) can meet for lunch or a drink.
Or at the very least, email them and ask what's going down these days.

Awitch · 28/10/2010 12:37

i remember the first haircut i had after dd1... i suddenly felt like ME again. it's sooooooo important, imo. good luck, dancing.

OH, and i also was mahoosively re-energised by a night out dancing with gal pals at a ska band night. we went mad, our pelvic floors nearly bit the dust, but it was LIVING, i tell you.

Original poster

voteforchange · 28/10/2010 14:00

Haircut - definitely!!!

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Awitch · 28/10/2010 14:13

then it's mid-season sale time. i just got LOADS of stuff in gap, everything's down to fifteen quid or so. lovely dresses and knitwear.

Quenelle · 28/10/2010 14:17

As a journo and an ex-PR you'd be very useful to a community group. You might have a local one in your new area that could do with your expertise with publicity and organising/obtaining sponsorship for events. My local group is made up of all types of people of all ages and from all walks of life so it will definitely be a change from just kids-DH-and more kids. And you'd get to meet lots of people from your new area too.

Faaamily · 28/10/2010 16:59

Agree with Aitch and also Quenelle.

I have a journo background and kept my hand in doing the local NCT newspaper ( but it was actually quite fun, and my PR schtick meant I got loads more offers and freebies than anyone else had ever managed, so they loved me).

Also got involved in my local Labour party - nothing major, just attending meetings and occasionally contributing to the consitutency newsletter. Politics is great for getting your mental juices flowing again.

I have retrained completely, but what inspired my career change was volunteering with young offenders once a month while a SAHM. I found a real passion, there. You deffo need to do something, no matter how small, where you get to see yourself in a different light and push yourself out of the Mum Box a little bit.

And get that haircut! I chopped off my very long, dark Morticia hair and went for a funky red bob a few months ago and it has definitely given me a bit more funk / spunk

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