I am disappearing - HELP

[voteforchange]

I have two healthy happy dcs age 1.5 and 3, I know I am very lucky, and I have a good life. The trouble is that I feel in becoming a mother, the person I once was has completely disappeared. Everything I do is geared to entertaining/feeding/caring for the dcs or dh. I have recently taken some time out to try and get back to work, but can't find a job and my self-confidence is at rock bottom. Beyond the children, my life is so empty I am embarrassed by it when we see friends and family and I feel very judged by childless friends and colleagues. I don't know where to begin to stop feeling this way.

excuse dodgy grammar - typing with toddler on knee

voteforchange You sound exactly like me. My DS1 is 2.8 and DS2 is turning 1. I had a black day yesterday (struggling to manage DS2's reflux) and I told DH I have to go back to work before I get tipped over the edge. I took redundancy after my last ML ended (just!) and the plan was for us to move house and settled the kids before I think about getting a job. My career was very similar to yours - online journalism / project manager. I don't think I will get a similar job TBH. I don't want one either. I want a part-time local job so I can spend most of the week still with my DCs but I just need ME time. I miss the socialising etc. I just feel like such a mum. Not sure if what I want will come along... DH told me to think about doing my own business but it's not as if that's something that just falls out of the sky either. Argh!

I'm completely immersed in motherhood too and am putting DD in creche at gym next week for first time to try and get myself together physically anyway.

But I'm never short of things to talk about. I have Radio 4 on ALL day and there's such a variety of stuff on there that I'm probably more tuned in than my working friends.

The other mothers you have met, do they have nothing to talk about except children? If so, who is judging you? Also, I think once you make deeper friendships you'll get beyond that sort of talk. At the moment it's the obvious thing you have in common.

Do something like the ice-skating or tennis and it will give you a bit of confidence and exhilaration. That will help you find yourself and everything else (incl. job search) will be easier. My plan is to do ballroom dancing once I'm a bit fitter. Did it a few years ago - divine!

super-envious of you having found your passion, faaamily. well done.

I think you can feel uninteresting because you are bored with yourself!

That's exactly how I feel today. I'm feeling poorly and am very busy with work, DP is coping with a very stressful situation at work and has retreated into silence, DVDs and books, one of my close relationships has gone haywire so I feel lost there and all in all I was so grumpy this morning that I made even myself cross.

So I did the Pollyanna thing and looked for the good stuff.

I agree about R4, you will definately find something to talk about on there.

Facebook is great for politics and groups that share your interests, at the moment for me that is, 10-10, Forests, spending cuts, Samhain and Thriftiness. Find something and comment, I have 'friends' all over the world who have liked my opinions and asked to be a tiny part of my life.

If you an get childcare, do take up a hobby or join a campaigning group, too, it's nice to get away from the children out of the house.

You are still you, a better, brighter, knows lots more now, you. Go on, there's lots of experiences waiting out there for you.

i think it's pretty normal to feel swallowed up by children when yours are so young - for last four years you must'e been constantly either pregnant, feeding or with a small child clinging to your leg. now you're experiencing the 'coming up for air' feeling - which is a positive thing not sthing to berate yourself about!
second those who said you should blog - doesn't bloody matter if nobody reads it, writing again will make you feel more like your old self. join twitter as well if you want to promote the blog (or just to find people to talk to - a lot of ex-journos and PRs turned SAHMs are on it).
also think about volunteering for the Media Trust - always looking for journos and PRs to help out charities pro bono (you'd be helping advise small charities who maybe don't have inhouse press teams or much experience, advising them on press/PR projects: you can spend as much or as little time as you like). if you want to get back to work those would all look good on your CV and if you don't they might stop you going mad.
lastly moving to a new area might well be part of the 'lost' feeling if you don't have many close friends there yet. second everyone who suggested a sport - running clubs often have quite a lot of mums. good luck!