How do you manage with 2 children?

[Paribus]

I have one DD, who is 20 months now, walking, talking and being a beautiful toddler. We have just established a more or less feasible routine with her and I finally started to enjoy being with her, not just caring for her, IYKWIM. I was never into children before have my daughter, and to be honest, I thought that we will stop at her. However, yesterday, VERY unexpectedly, I found out that I'm pregnant. Oh my God.
I've been crying ever since, because I just know what is it going to be again and I honestly don't think I will manage. Our parents live 3,5 hous flight away from us, my husband works, and I, although had a high-flying job prior to having DD, is SAHM at the moment. We have some friends here, but most of our friends are back home as well. I planned that DD would start a nursery next year, and I would be able to get some of my life back, but it's not going to happen again, and I.... sorry, keep on crying typing this.
I know I should feel priviliged, but I just don't know how I will manage having 2 children. WHat do you do if the youngest starts to cry and the oldest want to go play? How do you manage to combine them together? DO you have any "me-time" at all? How does it work with sleeeping arrnagements (sensitive topic for me, as we were rocking our DD to sleep until she was 17 months!). How do you manage to have some (any) sanity by the end of the day?
Please, please tell me it's going to be ok. I am at such a loss now, and just can;t stop crying.

have you fully discussed all your options with your husband? by that I mean keeping the baby, or having a termination?
I don't mean to upset/offend, but it is a valid choice for you to make, and if another child is really, really not what you want then it's something to think about

as for having 2 (or more) children... you just do it!
It's normal for anyone having second or subsequent children to worry about splitting their time, and their love, between extra children... even when those children are very much planned and wanted. It's almost impossible I think to understand how much love you can have for more children until you have them

it's true that when you have more than one they have to wait for your attention sometimes. you jsut have to prioritise. so the baby crying to be fed has priority over the toddler who wants to play. but you get used to it

you can make room for "me time" in the evenings or weekends... sometimes my "me time" ends up being a trip to the supermarket in the evening while dp gets the kids into bed. it sounds pretty dull, but it's kind of nice not dragging 3 children round the shops lol

sanity? no. none left at all. turns out you don't need it!

I have DS1 who is 2.9 and DS2 who is 9 months. We have no family support and we don't use any childcare. The first 6 months were hard work but it has slowly got easier.
Some things which helped -
Find places to go which will amuse number 1 while number 2 sleeps/ feeds etc - I found childrens centres/ soft play ideal/ playdates at peoples houses ideal.
Accept that you can't please both of the children all of the time and you probably can't give number 2 exactly the same as number 1 had.
Both children will be different and have different needs issues - your number 2 might sleep like a dream with no intervention.
Mumsnet really helps as there are always other people in the same situation with handy tips etc
You will get through it and in time start to enjoy it and love watching your DD interacting with the baby.
Good luck

thisisyesterday, thanks, no, termination is not an option.

I should probably add that I don't have any siblings- do have a lot of copusins though, and am very close with my parents, but the idea of having more than one child is very unusual for me, if it makes any sense...

Hey, I have two - one 2.6 and another 6 months. It was hard at first but it is OK. It does change things but the first gets used to the demands of the second so their expectations change. My DS (the older one) loves his baby sister and wants to cuddle her, wants to come and see her in the morning. She is captivated by him and loves him smiling at her and chatting to her. I know it must seem really really hard and it does mean going all the way back to the beginning ... we also rocked to sleep etc with DS and now I do with DD - I know she'll outgrow it eventually. But ... you get used to when the youngest needs to sleep so you can sort of plan. You have the perspective from your first that the tiny baby stage doesn't last as long as it feels like it did when your first was tiny and although I have found the first 6 months hard, at this point I am suddenly feeling on top of it (even though both are currently ill!) - and what is 6 months in the grand scheme of things? Me time is more limited but again you have become used to having less time for yourself - but they do go to bed in the evening and that is when you get your me time. We can now all play together quite happily and the older child is a huge source of entertainment for the younger child. Being a mum is stressful full stop but being mum to 2 is just a different sort of stress - I don't think I was more stressed this time, just about different things. It will be fine - I think you just need to be able to accept this new change and that might take a bit of time - you've only just found out. And when they are older I am hoping anyway there will be much more me time as they will play together! hth

sazlocks, thanks. how did you get through the first six months? that's the most dreaded time for me. my daughter had reflux, so i just remember the first six months as a never-ending procession of hard work and tears :(((.

I think having more than one does change the dynamics of the family hugely. In our case it made me feel like we were complete as a family unit. It felt absolutely right as soon as we got through the door from the hospital. Before that I was worried that I wouldn't have enough love for number 2, that the baby would feel like an interloper etc etc

Agree with Thisisyeaterday you just cope somehow.

Don't get me wrong, I had a hellish time for the first 12 6 months of DS2's life (there was a 2.4 yr gap between my 2) but it passes. I know it sounds corny but I literally took 1 day at a time and then breathed a sigh of relief each evening when they were both asleep. You find new routines that suit you and both your DC and you may find that your second child is a better sleeper than the first one (I thought DS1 was a good sleeper then DS2 came along and was (and still is) a bloody fantastic sleeper ) Upto DS1 being 18 months I was still lying next to him in bed till he was asleep so I know where you are coming from....DS2 just fell asleep wherever he was and by about 2 months, we were able to put him in his cot in the evening awake and he would just fall asleep without a murmur...he is nearly 2 now and he is exactly the same (he can actually lie in his bed for an hour awake without any fuss before he goes to sleep ).

Anyway, slightly off track...as for me-time I have always been a gym bunny so I went to the gym about 4 times a week (depending on DH's working pattern) just for some space...you need to trust that your DH will be able to look after them both in your absence (which he will be able to of course) and just go wherever you need to to get your 'me-time'.

Also, don't forget, newborn babies (hopefully) sleep a lot during the day so you get plenty of time to spend with the toddler.

Hope this helps

Oh Paribus, you sound so confused an emotional!

First of all, Congratulations on the pregnancy!

I had 3 in 3 years - on purpose, because I wanted the nappy stage over with quickly, as I prefer the walking talking variety of dc's to the baby bit.

20 months is still so young - in 6 months your dd will be heading for pre-school and you will have more time for yourself and your new baby.

Within 9 months of the baby being born, he or she will become a playmate for your dd, and you will sometimes almost feel redundant!

I agree with sazlocks - go out with them both to play places, and that gives you time to chat to other mums and make friends.

My oldest is 11 now - time flies!

How ?
A supportive DH - as he spent a lot of time with DS1 while I was feeding etc DS2.
Supportive friends who kept reassuring me that this stage would pass and if we were all fed, washed and dressed at the end of the day then we were doing well. In fact some days I felt like I was doing well that we were all still alive by the end of the day
Places to go - soft play, playdates, childrens centres, playgroups where DS1 could run round safely while DS2 could sleep, watch and now join in
Mumsnet - to find other mums of 2 who had been there, done that and survived !
It is hard, especially the first 6 months, but you will get through it

Goodness! Please don't despair. Once you get past the baby stage (say from about a year onwards) it's so much easier to have 2 than one! Only children are so demanding of their parents' time. It will be hard for a little while but you soon get past that and you'll have years where it's loads easier than with just your dd.

Enjoy your 2nd child - within a short time you'll wonder how you ever thought of not wanting him/her.

And I speak as someone who was the least maternal person ever!

Zoonose, thank you. It is all new for me- I don't have any siblings, so can't imagine what it's going to be like. Do your two kids sleep in the same nursery? You know, when you've been rocking your child, co-sleeping with her for 17 months again, and then suddenly it stops and you have a whole evening for yourself, and you get your bed back, you just get so used to that so quickly and would avoid anything which can jeopardise it.... Not sure if i'm making any sense- and prob sound very selfish.

It is very likely that you will find DC2 a lot easier than your DD. Second babies are often more settled and easy-going, probably because their parents are a bit more relaxed second-time round. All the ups-and-downs you've had with DD will have taught you skills and practical wisdom which you will apply automatically with DC2.

But the biggest bit of advice I can give you is to remember how valuable it will be for your DD to have a sibling. I know this may be harder for you to imagine as an only child, but your DD will benefit so much from having a younger brother/sister. She will learn social skills, tolerance, have a constant playmate, and have a relationship with a sibling that will probably last longer than any other relationship in her life.

I get huge pleasure from seeing my DCs relate to each other. Yes they fight like all siblings, but they also love each other, amuse each other and are there for each other in a way I won't be in the distant future.

Hope that helps. It's completely normal to feel as you when discovering a second or subsequent pregnancy; my second and third pg's happened before I felt ready for them and my first reaction was horror. But I wouldn't have it any other way now. The first few months may not be easier, but it will be so worthwhile.

paribus... enjoy that during your pregnancy! make the most of it and you'll be ready to do it all over again

you sound like a lovely mum, you really do. and you know the joy of seeing your children playing together and loving each other... it's amazing it really is.

Ladies, thank you all. I am very tearful, very scared and very trapped at the moment, I guess it was quite obvious from my post. It's just I have just started to feel I can be a good mother for my daughter, not a complete wreck that I was, and having a second child so soon is just so overwhelming.

it's fine, less boring as there's more to do, days go much quicker. the routine will write tiself, far less choice than with first child - will depend on how they both sleep at different stages, how your family works, what your room arrangements must be.
the kids adore each other or spark off each other, it is far less intense for you.

make sure dd has a morning or two of big girl nursery to go to if possible to give you some routine 1 child only time and her some time with the big kids.

Like fatsatsuma says, your second may be a lot easier than the first. I think that is mainly because you are more relaxed and surer of yourself as a mother so find things much easier.

Once you get used to the idea of having another you'll probably slowly find yourself getting excited, especially about how things will be for your firstborn - how she'll react to the new baby, what she'll be like as a big sister etc.

You will manage, and to be honest, it's not that bad at all. It was much, much easier (for me) than some people make it out to be, maybe it was just luck. After a year or so with the new baby I was actually wondering why I was so silly to want only one child as not only dh and I but also DD1 had gained so much from having DD2.

Don't forgot that all those pregnancy hormones are suddenly sloshing around, and will be making you feel particularly emotional. I was always a tearful wreck at this stage!

Try not to over-think things at the moment, just take your time to let the news sink in and try not to worry too much. (Easier said than done I know, but sometimes it helps to understand why you're feeling especially tearful, and just 'go with it' iykwim.}

DS was 8 months when I found out was expecting no 2. And no, no 2 wasn't planned. As an only child, (and like you, myself and my partner have no family nearby), I was shitting myself. 16 months between them.
Now, they are nearly 3 and 18 months. It's amazing. BUT, to answer your questions specifically and not to 'wax lyrical':

1. Sounds totally heartless but if you're gonna try 'n BF (draining but ultimately so much easier/practical etc...) then as long as newborn is fed then toddler - older one - ALWAYS comes first. Newborn will not remember/care about being in pooey nappy etc....older child WILL remember being told to 'wait' (for 'precious baby') etc...

In fact, what DS loved was when we (nicely) 'ganged up' on the baby. Example: Baby crying, so I'd say 'Goodness me! Your sister is such a noisy one, isn't she? Do you think she wants you to turn over to Mr Tumble instead? I think that's why she's shouting so much' etc...

1. Combine together. Well, don't forget how much more your DD will be able to do for herself by time no 2 is born. She will probably LOVE to help. Will be able to bring you nappies/wipes etc...personally, I found it easier to be outside - but that depends on time of year and your own DD. If your at home and BF, then reading together or doing jigsaws on sofa.

Does your DD still have a PM nap? You don't really worry so much about 'amusing' no 2 cos they're more than happy to sit in bouncy chair and watch the older one entertain them.

I don't know how you feel about nursery/pre-school etc....but it might be nice if she was to have a few sessions - an hour or two - and for her to settle there before no 2 comes along. That way, you might feel happy that she is being entertained/making pals, and you will get some time with newborn. Even just one or two hours a week could make a big difference for you?

My situation worked out well, so in some respects I really think I had it quite easy. For example, DD was a bum shuffler and quite late to really move around or walk. That was such a godsend! Another pal with 2 had her 2nd walking at 9 months and if my DD had been doing that, I probably would have had a breakdown. but with DD bum shuffling, I'd go to parks/farms/whatever, and as long as she was in double heavy duty leggings, I'd practuically go off and play with DS whilst she shuffled around.

1. Getting me time?! I'm not being flippant, but how much do you want and expect? Yes and no. No 1 was (and is!) an amazing sleeper. All my pals with one kid were always being super helpful and saying 'Bet no 2 is a different kettle of fish' and she is. This wouldn't work for everyone but DS is in bed by 7pm or earlier, she won't settle til 8.30pm. What's lovely - is that we then have special time with her, just us, which is fab. When she sleeps in the PM, I get special time with DS, where we do something that is hard with an 18 motnh old. Painting, baking - on the floor! - play doh - his choice. BUT, everyone's situation is different.
2. Sometimes, it makes things easier. If you were/are happy to rock to sleep then that works for you. We were quite indulgent with no 1 in some ways, but were then so much 'harder' on no 2...make of that what you will, but you might find it easier to implement sleeping 'arrangements'....you might now think it's OK to do x, y, z etc...that you wouldn't have before with no 1 IYSWIM?!

You're so much more relaxed the 2nd time round about all sorts of things.

When my OH came home from work - I said 'Do you want the good news or the bad news, they're one and the same. I'm pregnant'.
It was hilarious. He just drained totally white (I'd only ever seen this in films) and then said: 'You're fucking not, are you?' - to which I burst into tears! (It had taken us over 2 yrs to concieve with DS....and then the 2nd time we had sex, I fell preg!)

PLEASE have some hope. Please try and start imagining all the beautiful scenarios...
I certainly don't have much sanity, but it is lovely.
It makes such a massive difference for them having a sibling - I think. Learning to share, compromise, play together - or not.

Paribus...I promise you that you will cope. One is hard work, & no one can pretend that two is difficult at times, but think how blessed you are to have one healthy DD and when number two comes along, you wont be able to imagine life before. You will find a routine that works for both, then when DD starts school you will find new ways of dealing with the day to day tasks. The joy and laughter both will provide in years to come will make it worth every minute, but never be afraid to ask for help. Parenting doesn't come with a manual, but am sure your family will love you regardless. Good luck.

Hi, congratulations. I have two DSs the second one born just before DS1s second birthday. I think with the second it is easier as you are less stressed and worried and know the routine better, so them getting a temperature, for example, isn't a total stress inducer. I also think you need to think about what was it in your parenting approach the first time that you loved and valued and want to do with the second, and what if anything can you ditch. I didn't even attempt breastfeeding for a few reasons but also because it had made me miserable the first time round. Similarly if the baby does have reflux then at least this time you know how to deal with it.

I know this is controversial on MN, but as I had been working my DS1 was already in childcare and we kept him in this routine for a few months when the baby was really little, it gave my day shape and meant I was able to focus on the baby. If your DD isn't in any form of care maybe you could think about something or as someone above said by the time the baby comes they might be going to reception or pre-school or something anyway.

With DS1 I tried one mums and tots group and decided it wasn't my bag, this time I go to two different ones. I was lucky in that a neighbour was going to own so we went together and another mum I knew was going to the other one so it meant I had someone to talk to.

Our baby is still in our room (nine months) and DS1 is in his own room and DS2 will go there at some point too... not quite sure when!

As for me time... take it when you can, it might mean as someone said just doing the shopping on your own or it might mean something else. I took up running to get me out and get me fit. I think you will need your DH to be supportive about this part and see that you do need at break at the end of the day.

Don't despair, all will be well.

I have a 28mo dd and an 8mo dd and its great fun! 2 is so much better then 1!

They play together a bit now, look for each other when they dont know where the other is and clearly love each to bits.

Honestly, do not worry. You just find a way to fit the 2nd one in and because you have done it once already you take to it straight away.

Good luck and enjoy every second as they grow up so fast

Ladies, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm trying to be positive, I really am, it's just it's so unexpected and all my routine, that i tried so-so-so hard to establish will again be gone for another 2 years. And i will miss on dd development- how can i not with the second baby? What if they hate each other? I'm still BF my daughter- just once a day in the morning for 10 min- shall i stop now? What about lifting her- allowed?

No you'll not miss out on your DD's development! Do continue to bf your daughter and don't worry about lifting her if you don't have any problems in your pregnancy.