How do you manage with 2 children?

[Paribus]

I have one DD, who is 20 months now, walking, talking and being a beautiful toddler. We have just established a more or less feasible routine with her and I finally started to enjoy being with her, not just caring for her, IYKWIM. I was never into children before have my daughter, and to be honest, I thought that we will stop at her. However, yesterday, VERY unexpectedly, I found out that I'm pregnant. Oh my God.
I've been crying ever since, because I just know what is it going to be again and I honestly don't think I will manage. Our parents live 3,5 hous flight away from us, my husband works, and I, although had a high-flying job prior to having DD, is SAHM at the moment. We have some friends here, but most of our friends are back home as well. I planned that DD would start a nursery next year, and I would be able to get some of my life back, but it's not going to happen again, and I.... sorry, keep on crying typing this.
I know I should feel priviliged, but I just don't know how I will manage having 2 children. WHat do you do if the youngest starts to cry and the oldest want to go play? How do you manage to combine them together? DO you have any "me-time" at all? How does it work with sleeeping arrnagements (sensitive topic for me, as we were rocking our DD to sleep until she was 17 months!). How do you manage to have some (any) sanity by the end of the day?
Please, please tell me it's going to be ok. I am at such a loss now, and just can;t stop crying.

I mean you can continue to lift her if you want to.

i am sure you will be able to cope.My ds ws 15 months old when i fell pregnant with my dd.She was an absolute dream after the horror of havin a nonsleeper for the first baby.It really was great and now they are both adults with kids of their own and remain very close.

You don't have to stop BF your DD, esp if its only once a day. The flavour of your milk will change as your preg progresses and she might well wean herself off, if not, you've got a while to think about stopping that. My DS stopped BF around 11 months, just of his own accord - but DD still 2x a day at 18 months and shows no sign of stopping.

Sure you won't miss out on any development. I nearly missed DD first laugh, it was reserved for her brother and not for me or OH! And when things happen with no 2 it can bring it all back about no 1, even the stuff you swore you'd never forget but that you surely do...

Re rooms - DD is in with us and DS in own room. We in a 2 bed flat. I posted on here about them sharing a room but am way too chicken to 'spoil' DS wonderful sleep, so she's in with us for now....may rethink later on.

What if they hate each other?! Your DD will pick up almost everyhting she feels about sibling from you. I swear to god, there is NOTHING you will lose, you will only GAIN. but, yip, it isn't easy. But, please try to stop anticipating all the scary emotional stuff...the emotional stuff freaked me out for ages, but that just comes when the bubba 2 arrives - good/and/or bad. The practical stuff was paramount.
Like, why the fuck we were in a 2nd floor flat with no lift when DD arrived was beyond me..........

I was lifting DS1 right up to the end - needs must and all that. If you have established a routine and it works for you then try to stick to it as much as you can. I guess though that you have to be realistic and accept now that some standards may slip... I was very anti-tv beforehand, now cebeebies is my friend!

You won't miss out on your DDs development, how will you? They get more independent as they get older anyway and need you less.

My DS1 loves his little brother and vice-versa. DS1 always wants to see him first thing in the morning when I go to get him out of his room.

It will be fine. Generally second or subsequent babies have to fit in with whatever routine is already established, eg a quick dunk in the big bath while your dd is having hers. I think it is often easier to get them into a routine because you don't have the luxury of not having one.

Your dd could start pre-school at 2.5, before the baby arrives. This will give you some time to yourself in the late stage of pregnancy & some time on your own with the baby later...

Bless you all. You are helping me so very much.

You'll be absolutely fine. I had two, two years apart, living abroad with no family support. You'll be much more confident with the second one, and much more relaxed. It is hard work to start with, but ultimately two is so much easier than one - mine are best friends and it means they always have a playmate. I remember looking a dd with her new baby brother and thinking how deprived she'd been at that age by being on her own. There's no nicer feeling than seeing them playing together and knowing how much they love each other. Congratulations - you've got nine months to get used to the idea and by the time the baby is born you'll wonder what you were worrying about.

Hello, I have two DS, 25 months and 6 months. I had worst case scenario, colicky, very unhappy DS2 ... but still here, and still smiling! The big difference is that I'm naturally more organized the second time around - I know about routines and DS1 is in a well-established one, therefore DS2 has to go along with that. For the first 10 weeks he would only have a daytime nap if in a sling - so I just went with that, and wore him almost all day sometimes.

My DS1 stayed in nursery 3 days per week which is a huge help; we also have no family help.

I would say yes, do stop breastfeeding now. I stopped when I was two months preg and immediately felt I had more energy and strength, and mental focus. Crying newborns aside, the worst bit was the last 2-3 weeks of the pregnancy when I was too large and heavy to play with/lift DS1 very easily. If you can organize a little help for those days (e.g. mother's help, perhaps a teenager from a local childcare course?) then that will be massive help.

In the last couple of months, I've found it much easier having both of them than having one, so I've reduced my DS1's nursery days from 3 to 2. He entertains the baby (and they adore each other, it's the cutest thing ever seeing your two beautiful babies lying together or making each other laugh).

Sleeping - DS1 still in his cot in his little box room, baby has been in my bed/basket, mostly in my bed - I've done whatever seems easiest/to suit the baby this time round, rather than obsessing about 'bad habits' etc and rolling over to bf in the night is soooooooo much easier than settling him any other way, and the end result = enough sleep for me that I can cope with whatever they throw at me in the day!!!

I have a 2.9yo DS and a 11mo DD and they're brilliant. Individually they can be hard work, but together they're a delight.

Our decision to try for DC2 was a little rushed in a way, and if I hadn't conceived so quickly, I probably would have thought it was a foolish idea and stopped trying, BUT it is absolutely a decision I will never regret. Not only is DD wonderful (well obviously ) but I'm finding having two children is far more fulfilling than one. When it was just DS, I almost felt like he was something to be got out of the way, to slot into place so I could get on with my life, but now DD is here as well, I'm appreciating both children much more, and actually enjoying being a mother, and a good mother at that.

We don't live abroad, but we have no family support, and I can't deny that it's been hard at times, but the good times have been so much better as well.

It will work out fine - I know you won't stop overthinking it, or worrying about it, but if you can, save yourself the stress because you'll find a way of making it work.

Just to add my own sister is 21 months younger than me and I would not be without her for all the world. When we were leaving for the hospital when I was in labour with DD it was early in the morning and I was looking up at DS's window with his curtains closed and him asleep upstairs feeling sad and afraid of how his life would change now I thought about that and just how much fun me and my sister had growing up together through all our different ages. With the baby stage you will improve your patience and home management skills and your ability to do pretty much anything with one hand. Also to add DS does 2 nursery mornings a week which he loves - started before DD was born.

Thank you all. I am reading and re-reading and re-reading again. When i am reading, it all sounds doable. When i close my eyes and start remembering dd's first year, i know i can't do it again

Yes you can. It won't be the same because you are not the same. I don't know anyone who hasn't had that doubt or panic before they have their second child (I don't have three myself, but those who do tell me that the third is much easier because you already know you can do it!). Your dd will be nine months older than she is now for a start which will make a massive difference, you'll have nine more months experience as a mum. Listen to what everyone on here is telling you - we've all been there and it's never as hard as you think it's going to be.

OP Congrats on your pregnancy, I'm sure you can do it don't worry too much. Well you will do it, bcause you will have to so somehow you will manage. But I think maybe you are expecting the worst due to your dd1 was a difficult baby as you mentioned reflux, not sleeping well, looking back on her 1st yr thinking you can't do it agian BUT your dc2 will be a different child and may not necessarily have all those same issues, there is a chance it could be easier this time round. sometimes the 2nd one do become more adaptable cos they just have to, and maybe you are more relaxed yourself as you have been there before, so it does help

I have 2 boys 18 months apart currently 2 and a bit and 10 months, it was not as hard as i thought it could be or as people said. my main tip is normally getting out the house, i pretty much live in the children's centre as i am there all the time :p but it can be so useful to go out to those kinda place, plenty to keep your older one amused so you can get a chance to focus on the baby or sit and cuddle baby while toddler is off playing and you keep an eye on them. i dont think your toddler will miss out, as you will be able to give attention to both. personally the older tends to get more attention as he is the one who can talk, walk and demand the attention iyswim! thats why i find it v useful to go out to groups and stuff keep him busy and have chance to spend time directly with my younger.

also dont forget your dd1 will grow alot by the time the baby is born, 20 months so she will be about 2 and a half, they can grow up a lot in that time and become more independant, better talking etc so easier to manage, and then not long til her nusery. or you could put her in for a couple of hours a week before that if you felt she will benefit from it? there are lots of solutions like that u could look into if you felt they would help

it i can be a shock when you find out your preg with the 2nd one esp if not planned and your other baby is still young but give it a couple of days and it will sink in more and you start to accept the news and think positively what its gonna be like rather than the feeling of "omg how am i going to cope" i thought that reaction myself the first day i found out my dc2 but when the time came i did cope fine, as you will too

Calm down Paribus, it's early days and the panic will subside. Fortyplus is right, 2 are easier than one once they can play together, partic. close together. And this one might be an angel baby. If not, that time will pass and you'll have a lovely addition to your family. That time passed with DD and you have your lovely toddler. Also, you do know what you're doing now, and although being more confident won't stop medical things like reflux happening, you won't be as in the dark again.

You say you had a high-flying job. Well, I can't imagine you got that without hard times on the way. It's the nature of the beast.

You won't miss out on DD development. She will have her own little dolly (bro/sis) - how lucky is she. You were an only and don't seem to have minded. I really did mind and a lot of onlies do. So, try and think of this as a gift to DD. My friend's son is constantly asking for a sibling (he's 7) and she can't give him one which breaks her heart.

Don't know about the breastfeeding, but there are organisations you can ask - just can't think of them right now.

There are a lot of what-ifs in life, but I've found the only siblings that 'hate' each other are when one is jealous/insecure or if they're space is constantly intruded on. I think you can manage the situation should one arise.

I didn't have any help either. I had friends who had parents living near them who wouldn't help - how awful is that!

Give yourself a chance for the shock to subside.

Yes you can do it all over again!.
Second time round I found myself much more relaxed and confident. DD1 was a terrible sleeper but thankfully DD2 is better and sooo much more laid back. No two babies are the same. :)

I have 21mths between mine. Yes I had days at the begining where I ended up in tears from both of them constantly demanding attention and feeling guilt that theres not enough of me to go around, but The good days easily outnumber the bad and make them all worth while.

DD's are now 2.2 and 5mths. Its sooo cute to see DD2 beaming when DD1 is interacting with her. They are going to grow up being great friends and constant playmates.

We also have no family nearby, no childcare and DH works in London so its just me and the girls so it can be done. Totally agree with others about getting out and about. Toodler groups are good and cheap. The more you are out the less time they have to make a mess!

You will manage. Your standards will be lower (mine hit rock bottom, but we were all fed and clean), but as you won't have to get out the house for school you can slob out in pj's all day, have cbeebies on, eat biscuits and take it little by little. It is jolly hard work having 2, but I found DC2 really easy as I knew what to do with babies second time around, it only got hard about 6 months in when she was weaned and mealtimes were a bit of a juggling act.

Don't panic .

Bless you all, ladies. I hope you know how much it means for me to be able to actually talk to people who experienced all this and who are not saying "how do you dare to even to start articulating your thoughts, you should feel privileged". Thank you so much.

once you past the baby stage it's so much easier and now my two get on like a house on fire. I feel so happy that they have such a special relationship with each other.

Paribus, I really feel for you becasue alhough DC2 isn't on the way yet I don't know how on earth I'm going to cope with another one if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again.

I loved being pregnant and I love my 18-month old DS to pieces but I found the early months of motherhood very hard. The lack of sleep and grinding monotony of being home all day are deeply etched into my memory and I love being back at work and being me again.

I am 39 next year so I've got to get a move on with DC2 but I love our little family unit of 3 and the routine we have now is a very careful balancing act. It wouldn't take much for the whole lot to come crashing down around our ears! That said, I suppose it's like everything, you learn to cope and you'll establish another routine.

Paribus - to put a positive spin on things - do keep in mind that your second child will not be the same as the first one. He or she will have their own personality and you will be fascinated by how they differ. I also "knew" that I couldn't repeat DD1's first year. But guess what, DD2 wasn't at all like DD1 and we got on just fine!

Yes, it is hard work with two, but people have been having more than one child for millenia and you will cope, because you just do. There will be tensions, compromises and sources of guilt. But there will also be laughs and joy - and you will discover that there is enough love inside you for everyone.

My two are 21 months apart and no. 2 was a surprise. Agree with those who say you muddle through, and toddler gets put first a lot of the time - after all the newborn isn't going to jump off furniture and damage themselves if left unattended . It is scary but just a very different experience second time round, I found it much less of an intense baby-focused time, my second just had to get on with it. Funnily enough though despite being left to cry much more as a baby she is the much more secure of the two now - they are 4 and 2 now and very close.

I look at friends with only 1 and sometimes yes I'm jealous of the free time they get! But then I see mine playing together (when they're not trying to kill each other) and I'm so glad we were able to give them each a sibling, that is a precious relationship to have. And now they don't depend on me to entertain them, they spend a lot of time playing incomprehensible games together. I can imagine that as they get older I will actually get more me-time in the long run than my friends with onlies who feel much more responsible to interact with their child a lot of the time, or to arrange activities with other children; my two have each other and I don't have to organise anything for that!

Look at how many people do muddle through it, set up support structures (I have got much better at asking people for help now than I ever was before! even this morning I got a little bit of me-time 'cos a friend took the kids, for instance) and keep mumsnetting. Good luck, it will be fine!

Paribus, congratualtions on your pregnancy.

I have 3 DC, pg with no 4 and I can totally relate to how you feel about not being able to do it again, even though I have done it all again twice already, so I think it is a normal reaction to feel this way.

I like order and routine am a complete control freak and find any sort of change unbalancing. Moving house, changing jobs, all situations were it is hard to say for definite that you are making the 'right choice'.

I have 7 years between DS1 and DS2, 22 months between DS2 and DD. It was hard work at the start when DD was born but they are amazing together now and have a wonderful close relationship and adore each other.

DS3 is due next week and I am still having moments of WTF are we doing having another one? Which I remember clearly having when I was expecting DD. But I also remember that I had to adapt and accept the change, and it was fairly easy to do and the feeling of temporarily being out of control of everything was worth it when I think of all the ways that DD has added to our family.

Good luck with everything

Ladies, again, thank you for your support and your wonderful stories. No, it doesn't get better for me unfortunately- well, it does, but it's as far from the pregnancy bliss as it can be, iykwim.
I guess I'm just blocking this thought of having another baby away- and the fact that I don't have any symptoms whatsoever doesn't help either. I know it'll be hard for the first six months and I know that once you get past the baby stage it might get better- I just don't know how to survive this baby stage.
I guess I had an untreated PND the first time around, and was too ashamed of it to admit it. And BuckBuck, your words about being a control freak def ring some bells. I am a control freak myself and it's the thought of changing- again!!!- that freaks me out most. Gaaah!
Will go to the doctor next week to try and do smth about the way I feel.
Again, thank you all so much for your words, your wisdom and for finding time to answer me even though all of you have more than one child ;-).