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Original poster

Anyone else's dh/dp refuse to help out after work?

33 replies

GillLevey · 13/09/2005 12:23

On Sunday I had to take dh to work at 07:30, look after 5 1/2 month old dd all day and then pick him up at 18:45. When we got home I ran dd's bath and asked dh if he wanted to bath her but he said "no, I've been at work all day". So I said "I have to bath her when I get home from work in the week" to which he replied "I knew that was coming!" and still refused to do it.

I work Monday to Friday 9.00 til 17.30. I get home at 18.45 after picking up dd from my mum's and then don't stop until I go to bed (bathing, washing, washing up, dinner etc). Dh doesn't work every day so looks after dd in the week if he's not at work. When I get in from work I have to take over and he watches tv, goes on the computer, usual stuff.

I get so annoyed about this but don't want an argument. I like having this time with her after work but I hate the fact that he never offers to help out. I don't understand why he doesn't like to have this time with her, especially considering, when he's on nights, he doesn't see her for days. Is anyone in a similar situation?

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mancmum · 13/09/2005 12:26

I would be annoyed and I would want an argument -- why should you be doing it all? If you don't discuss it, nothing will change.. think you might have to risk a row to make the changes you need before you get eaten up with rage (or I would)

I work FT and my DH is a SAHD.. when I get home, we share what needs to be done... no question from either of us that it would be different..

Kelly1978 · 13/09/2005 12:28

since u work as well that is def nt on. I don't work but I get as much done during the day as I can and dp has to help with what is left when he gets home.

compo · 13/09/2005 12:29

When I'm not at work dh comes home and puts ds to bed as I've had him all day. When I work he still puts him to bed because he knows i don't really like doing it! I give him more lie-ins though so it all evens out.

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Lizzylou · 13/09/2005 12:32

My DH helps out when he comes from work as he says, that looking after DS (18mths) is actually harder than working in IT all day! He also really enjoys spending time with his son and loves bathtime especially.
That said, this is a relatively new development chez Lizzylou...DH found DS a bit boring when he was very young and only after he has spent a few whole days looking after our demanding toddler does he fully understand how draining it is.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2005 12:40

I would not stay w/someone who refused to help. It's just like having an adult-sized child in the house. Sorry, but part of being a parent is showing a little maturity and pulling your weight w/the childcare/household duties. DH and I have 3 jobs between us and share the responsibilities.

triceratops · 13/09/2005 12:42

My dh works and I do childcare and keep the home. He never had anything to do with ds when he was a baby but they have a great relationship now. Some men just don't find babies interesting.

scotlou · 13/09/2005 12:51

My dh and I both work full time. When ds was around 6 months I finally decided to tackle things with dh one evening when I was dashing about making the evening meal and delivering it to dh on a tray in front of the tv (!!) - and ds had managed to fall forward in his bouncy chair so he was lying face down on the floor - and dh was still watching the news totally oblivious to teh fact that he had some responsibility to the small child lying on teh floor at his feet! He (dh) had simply not adjusted to being a dad and needed reeducating! He is fine now - and really helps with both kids. In fact, he thinks it is demeaning to me to use the word "help" as he sees it as equal responsibility.
Talk to your dh before things go on any longer!

beckybrastraps · 13/09/2005 12:53

Agree with triceratops unfortunately. As soon as ours became interesting (about 10 months), my dh became much more involved. Now he baths them and puts them to bed every night. He enjoys spending the time with them. I expect your dh will be the same. TBH - I didn't find small babies very intersting either.

acnebride · 13/09/2005 13:02

Totally with you GillLevey and would be fuming myself. But I have one question. In your post you said you asked him 'if he wanted to bath her'. This is exactly the kind of phrasing I would use - and to me it means - 'please take this child away right now or i will drop down dead from exhaustion and paying attention to her all day'. It could be, however, that your dh reacts to this as if it is some kind of manipulation - 'do I want to bath her? No I don't, I'm tired. don't try and make me think I want to do this.' When you sit down and talk to him about how all the joint work can be shared out, you could try exploring this?

I am no expert on this but am obsessed with the book You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen and I think this sort of mismatch of reactions, not to responsibility but to what she calls conversational style, is mentioned in there. He might actually react better if you just said 'Right, I've had enough. She's yours for the next 30 minutes, she needs a bath and the best of British'.

Original poster

GillLevey · 13/09/2005 13:22

You're all right. I really should say something. Maybe I should say that he should bath her and put her to bed on the days that he looks after her. After all, when I was on maternity leave I looked after her 24/7 even on his days off. If I asked him to have her while I had a bath or made up the bottles then he constantly asked how long I was going to be so he could go back to playing computer games.

I had to take a day off on the first day he was supposed to look after her because he'd not had enough sleep. I don't think he has any idea how hard I found it in the beginning when I had to get up twice in the night to feed dd and he got a full nights sleep in another room!

I think I let him get away with too much cos I'm too nice.

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Original poster

GillLevey · 13/09/2005 13:34

acnebride, I don't think he sees this as manipulation but I guess asking if he wants to do something is a guarantee that he'll say no because he has a choice. The only time he will say yes unconditionally is if I'm ill or have had a really bad day/night. The book sounds interesting.

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teeavee · 13/09/2005 13:45

it has taken a lot of training/arguing/cajoling. but mine does quite well these days (considering)

I still do more, though...

ninah · 13/09/2005 13:47

on dh's days looking after dd don't rush home, go for a meal with friends or something and wait til well after dd's bedtime before coming back

fruitful · 13/09/2005 14:10

Dh doesn't "help", he does his fair share of the parenting.

I think you need to sit down with him, list all the jobs that need doing - paid work, housework, childcare. List how long they take. Rate them on how you each feel about doing them (he may like something you hate and v.v). And then split the jobs equally. Agree who does what, so you're not in the position of having to ask for help. If he won't discuss it with you like this, book a weekend away with some mates and leave him to it.

meggymoo · 13/09/2005 14:13

Message withdrawn

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 14:13

I can sympathise with you totally on this topic.

I have come to the conclusion that dh is a lazy sod and chooses deliberately not to see what needs doing around the house or with the kids. He will bath the little ones about 40% of the time but he does no housework, no cooking, no shopping, no laundry, no ironing nor gardening. I do all of that and I am currently in the middle of decorating the lounge as well as looking after 5 kids. dh sits on the computer most of the time that he is at home.

I have tried palying the martyr, stomping around in a huff, gone on strike completely for a couple of days, all to no avail. I sometimes wonder what the point of this man is and he is as lazy in the bedroom as in the rest of the house. Being a single parent on benefits seems quite appealing atm.

Mum2girls · 13/09/2005 14:15

I find this kind of behaviour outrageous. Children are a shared responsibility.

He is an arse and you won't improve things if you're not prepared to argue with him about it.

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 14:18

Gill - how does this behaviour make YOU feel towards your dh? If you are anything like me atm I find him a total turn-off. I am seriously considering sitting my dh down and telling him I no longer want to continue being married to him if he is going to carry on like this.

meggymoo · 13/09/2005 14:19

Message withdrawn

beckybrastraps · 13/09/2005 14:21

Is it just dealing with the baby, or is it housework in general? As I said before, dh wouldn't volunteer to look after ours when they were younger, but he would certainly take over if necessary and has always been happy to share household stuff. Seriously, it might just be the men and small babies thing. Once dh admitted that he found ds a bit boring it all made sense, and as soon as ds got a bit older and more interesting it was all fab.

kama · 13/09/2005 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

GillLevey · 13/09/2005 15:12

QueenEagle, it's good to hear I'm not the only one in this situation. It makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted, like she's my baby and not his. He's never done housework anyway. He has the amazing knack of walking past a big pile of washing up/washing etc and not even seeing it. When he goes out he tells me, when I go out (ha ha) I have to ask. I would never consider it grounds for divorce though.

Thanks all for giving me the encouragement to say something. I was beginning to think that I would have to resign myself to having no life.

I was considering taking up an exercise class. I'm definitely going to look for one now as I really do need time for myself.

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Gizmo · 13/09/2005 15:28

Exercise class sounds good, Gill, as does saying something. I would be absolutely raging in your situation and it does sound like you're building up a lot of resentment.

Even if he finds small babies dull (a feeling which, to my embarassment, I share), that does not mean he could not do his fair share with other household chores. He may have never done it before, but you both have a lot more to do now, and the work needs to be shared out equitably.

I also agree that it may be a matter of phrasing it, as much as for your benefit as for his. For example, I find that when I'm getting stressed domestically, if I make a list of what needs to be done and approach DH with a business like: 'can you put on the washing and take that filing upstairs, while I make supper and call your mother', it works much better because I don't feel I'm being unfair or a doormat. Because I am being utterly reasonable he would have to seven kinds of a*h *e to refuse, frankly.

spikeycat · 13/09/2005 16:19

My god Gill, are you sure we are not with the same man - everything you said rings true for me - even the going out bit. I've had the coversation you are going to have - it didn't change anything for me

Original poster

GillLevey · 13/09/2005 16:56

That's a shame QueenEagle. What did he say when you asked him to do more? I'm hoping dh will be reasonable. He gets 2 weekends off per month (while I do everything for dd) and still thinks he is hard done by. He is supposed to look after dd on all his week day days off. I had to arrange for my mum to have her an extra day so he could have a day to himself. No such luck for me!

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