Hey all, thanks in advance for your help/advice :-)
My girlfriend of 3 months has 3 kids, aged 13, 10 & 9. The teenage girl is fine, pretty awesome in fact, as teenagers go, and totally gets, understands and supports her mum & me in this problem. The youngest girl is very sweet, but is totally led by her elder brother - and so most times she is fine, but occasionally this issue is excerbated by her as well.
The middle child, a boy who is nearly 11, is a very nice kid - his school teachers would describe him as thoughtful, caring and considerate, while still being a young lad - so far so good.
My g/f had a hard time with her ex, the kids father - he was abusive to her and his son - both physically & mentally - she had to be rehomed as an emergency, following one particular incident involving violence.
My g/f is very caring, supportive, loyal & loving - not to mention intelligent (she is a teacher) but is at the very end of her tether with her son (and to some extent her youngest daughter).
He has no respect for his mum, and will physically and verbally abuse her - he loves his mum (and me, tbh) but as soon as he doesn't get his own way, things kick off and the normal loving behaviour goes out the window.
On Saturday night he woke up in the middle of the night and heard us making love (around 4am - we make a point of waiting until the kids are asleep lol) and then obviously lay awake until daylight cogitating on it - come sunday morning he woke his sisters up to tell them what he had heard (literally a few moans, nothing more) - but thanks to the early sex education they receive at that agen (the mechanics, with no mention of loving relationships - or none that makes any sense to a 10 year old mind, at any rate).
In his mind (and his words - he wasted no time in telling his mum, when she had got up) I had no right to be coming over to his house to fck his mother - she is a dirty whre who scks my cck (he has no idea what this means, other than the words - and she didn't lol) and she is worth nothing, and he only lives there because his friends go to his school. (He packed his cloths into carrier bags ready to leave).
His father was physically abusive to him, and is still verbally so - he doesn't want to go live with his father because he is afraid of him. (We don't want him to go - but like it is now, it's a serious option).
When he is ok, he will tell you that his mum was the only one who stuck up for him, and supported him all the years. But when he gets into a tantrum - she is nothing but a piece of shit. He will break furniture, throw things at her, swear at her, hit her, etc etc.
Nothing in particular sets off this behaviour - just whenever he doesn't get his own way. My g/f is not particularly strict - but is not lax either, she is a teacher and knows how to respond to people.
I'm pretty laid back, but when I see his behaviour I have to say something - he responds to me somewhat - when I am there (3 nights a week usually) he doesn't throw stuff, or use the the c word - but after I go, it's no holds barred. I don't shout, scream or lose it - I stay rational, but its hard. When he is in that mood, nothing seems to work. The day after, we can talk and he understands, and promises to moderate his behaviour, but when he loses it the next time, its back to square one.
My amateur psychoanalysis would suggest that he sees himself as the man of the house, and that gives him (given his past experience) free reign in telling the rest of the household to do what he says. (He used to insists upon sleeping with his mum, even when he wasn't poorly - she stopped it pretty quick, but he will still try it on, making up excuses not to sleep in his own bed etc)
His younger sister has always been treated like a princess by her dad - she can do no wrong, and her brother poisons her mind against her mum. She is now getting to the age where she thinks she can stand up to her mum, and her brothers word is what matters, not her mums.
As I said, his elder sister sees what goes on and is very very supportive of her mum & me (a breath of sanity, really)
I love my girlfriend very much, and her kids too. We need some serious help, and quick - please.
He is going to see his dad tomorrow night (for the first time in 6 months) and will no doubt tell him just how bad his mum is - this morning he was going to go school and tell everyone that his mum had been pissed all weekend (she had 1 bottle of wine on sat night) and that we had spent all weekend in bed shagging (we didn't obviously - I played with him on my xbox and we took the dogs out for a walk in the countryside - he didn't like that)
When his dad hears this, he will give my g/f a whole world of sh*t. I will be there - just in case - and I'm not a physical or violent man, but I will fight him if he starts on my girl.
How do I/we sort this? How can we get through to him, and stop this behaviour/attitude?
Sorry if that's all a bit disjointed, we are both stressed to hell - we have both been through some really sh*tty times these past few years and really need the happiness we have found together. I'm 42 with 2 teenagers (my youngest has spent half his life in hospital) and my g/f is 37 to give you some context.
Thanks for reading, all useful advice/thoughts is welcome.