2 week old - stressed and scared of my new life

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I have a gorgeous 2 week old son.

However, I feel as if the last 2 weeks have passed by in a blur and things seem so much harder than I though they would be and I feel a little detached from the whole thing and still reminding myself I'm a parent.

He was two weeks early - not alot I know, but that, combined with a traumatic birth, has left me in shock a bit.

This is probably all lack of sleep related too but I am worried I do not feel as full of joy and excitement as I thought I would and feel selfish and guilty that I don't feel like 'I'm lovin it'.

Instead I feel clingy to my husband and in need of lots of hugs from him and scared about how we will manage our future routing and miss our old life.

I get a little anxious in the evening at the thought of the restless night ahead and am finding I am asking everyone how long it might be before he sleeps for longer and almost wishing this time away - which my rational head says is wrong and stupid.

Although I'm normally a worrier I am shocked that I feel the way I do and that I don't feel more in control. I am usually a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak and feel I have everything in order.

I feel like a one man feeding and changing machine (I'm BF but my husband is helping and supporting as much as he can). So, after all this I am finding I have little energy to 'play' with my son in the few times he wakes during the day. Also, finding it is pretty hard to 'play' with a 2 week old. Am I doing anything wrong? Could I be doing more?

I'm sure this phase will pass but I wondered whether anyone else has felt the same and has any advice?

Husband going back to work Tues which I'm half worried about and half feeling it may help to kick start a bit of normality again.

Any advice please?

Not doing anything wrong at all. It will pass, it's totally normal. Many of us have been there. You sound totally and completely normal to me - it's just the bit they don't tell you about beforehand. I thought the first three weeks with DS were the hardest of my entire life. Take one day at a time and remember - you don't have to play with them much at this age just try to sleep when they sleep, lower your standards a bit and hang on in there. This is the time of hard hard graft and no reward and you are still recovering from the birth. The first smile will be worth waiting for.

With love = it will all be OK.

Snap. Mine was 2 weeks early and delivered by emergency section. I didn't let myself get too attached for the first few days as I thought he would die.

You need to just focus on feeding the baby and yourself and everything else is a bonus of you get it done.

A 2 week old doesn't need playing with :). Talk to him, tell him what you are doing if you want but all he really wants is a clean bum, a full tummy and a cuddle with his mum.

And if you are in the SE I will help you :).

Honestly - this is what its like with a 2 week old baby. You don't need to panic about not "loving it", just aim for "coping with it" for now! Keep one end fed and the other end clean, and you'll work the rest out in a while.

If you talk to him when he's awake, that's enough - they don't get "playing" for quite a while yet, just having your company is plenty of interest for now. That's enough 2new" stuff for im to take in wen the whole world is full of intersting surprises.

That was me! You are experiencing these feelings, which are absolutely normal. Hang on in there - things will become clearer as time passes. Even though it may not feel like it, you are doing a great job. Take care x

I was re-reading my diary today, the period when first DC was born, it was just as you describe, but we gradually got through it. Same things, 2 weeks early, forceps delivery, didn't fell happy, just tired, worried, clingy to DH, crap really. Getting out and about helped a lot, even just a walk round the block with the pram. Once I made it to baby clinic for the first time I was so proud, and it gradually got easier and easier. Hang on in there!

Please don't worry, it all sounds so normal. Try not to overthink it, it sounds like you have a supportive husband, lean on each other. I too was blown away by the sheer hard graft of the first few weeks and even though I had a "normal" birth, I had painful stitches, piles, boobs, dodgy pelvis etc, etc. It is hard, it isn't like the magazines/advets/bookes/other people's rose-tinted memories lead you to believe. I cried everyday for a good few weeks, scaring myself and DH. It is so overwhelming BUT, It does get better - honestly.

You will heal physically from the birth in time. You may take longer mentally and may need to discuss your traumatic birth with someone (lots of midwives/hospital will debrief). Your hormones will settle, you are doing a great job establishing feeding but it is hard, hard work.

You are not on your own, many, many women have been where you are now. Take it one hour/day/night at a time, rest, rest, rest. Try and eat well, really good, nourishing food, soups, stews etc. Drink plenty of fluids, eat lots of fruit, take a multi-vit. Go out evryday even for a short, slow, shuffling walk in a tracksuit. If you can link in with your local children's/sure start centre and find a drop-in group wherwe you need do nothing but sit in shocked solidarity, drinking tea (made for you) or arrange to have tea with other mums/easy-going relatives this gives your day a structure. Accept any offers of help and sleep whenever the baby does.

I used to stress so much that i wasn't talking to/playing with/bonding/connecting with DD. Just by caring for his physical needs you are doing all those things and more. Don't overthink it. You are already the only Mum he needs. Snuggle him, have skin-to-skin and forget everyone else.

Good luck and hang in there.

Don't pressurise yourself. You only need to feed him and keep him warm and safe and close to you right now. You don't need to do anything else (even play with him!) for ages yet.

I know what you mean about your husband working possibly letting you get back to normality but don't fret too much if that doesn't happen. My best advice is to get comfy on the sofa for the next few weeks, plan a few walks in the park if you want, but basically eat cake and watch tv. And feed. It will be easier and fun within a few weeks.:)

"get comfy on the sofa for the next few weeks, plan a few walks in the park if you want, but basically eat cake and watch tv. And feed"

couldn't have put it better.

as for "playing", gazing at a door handle/fire surround/light for an hour constitutes play when you're 2 weeks old.

good luck!

Nobody ever tells you enough about how awful the twilight days of the first few months are. Mine passed in a blur - I can hardly remember what happened until about month 3. Your hormones are seeping away, you're exhausted from broken nights and to top things off, you're constantly on boob duty, leaking everywhere.

My advice:

Things will get better. Keep repeating that to yourself like a mantra.

Make yourself a cosy daybed on the sofa, in front of the TV - send DH out to get boxsets of all your favourite programmes, and just cuddle your baby while you watch your way through them, taking a break for a cup of tea every now and again. Hibernate.

When baby wakes in the night for a feed, stick on the next episode of Greys / True Blood or Glee and just try and distract yourself. The feed's going to take about an hour - so you might as well enjoy it.

You've just gone through one of the biggest changes you'll ever have in your life... going from two to three. And though you don't feel like it right now - one day you will be that multi-tasker mum with your cute baby in a sling at the cafe. You will get there. But right now, you just need to relax, recover from the traumatic birth.

Talk about it. Find someone you can talk to about your traumatic birth. Your health visitor might be a good person, or perhaps she can recommend someone. When things go wrong, you often feel emotionally scarred - as well as physically - and the wounds go deep. It really helps to pour out all the anguish to someone you trust. They can keep an eye on you as well if you're still feeling awful in the next few weeks. Take help. Whether it's feeling terrible after an awful birth, the hormonal slump you feel after childbirth or post-natal depression, there are things you can do to make it better. Be honest about how you're feeling, don't hide your emotions or feel guilty about them. You may be surprised at how many women will admit to feeling exactly the same after giving birth.

You're doing amazingly.

Exactly how i felt (repeating others i know). It gets better i promise. Really in the early weeks its just get your head down and get through it. If people offer help, take it! Silly little things will help get you through. Does your dh take a sandwich to work? If so, when he makes his on evening, get him to make you one. It can be hard making lunch when you're on your own with baby!

Also, maybe say every sat/sun morning, is his time with baby. Good for him to have quality time with baby, and good for you too.

2 week old's don't really 'play' so don't worry, the time you spend feeding him is very good 'quality' time.

Have you got a swing for him? I found getting ours was a turning point...

Also, one thing i've only just realised (my son is 12 weeks) - during the night, don't change his nappy unless its upsetting him, leaking or giving him nappy rash. I found it woke him up - its better to keep them sleepy, then they just go back to sleep after their feed easier, if that makes sense?

Completely normal. Lack of sleep is torture, as is the constant neediness! Especially if you are bfing.

I say this with a limpet like 4 week old. today i have had a mini meltdown due to tiredness & constant feeding. Desperate for a break!

However i also have a 3 year old so i at least know it does get better.

Try not to worry about how you are feeling iyswim, and try & snatch a break/sleep when you can.

Sounds normal to me. When pg you expect your life to change, but you don't realise how much you have to change. You'll get into it.

It is such a shock to the system - nothing can prepare you for it!

I am through that stage now (only just) but I felt exactly like you. My strongest feeling for the first few weeks was that I really missed my DH, I guess because we couldn't have our usual physical closeness as I had DD attached to me all the time.

I think I cried every day for at least a month and I found it all really, really hard for the first four months!

Getting out of the house helped me - I went to a breastfeeding cafe thing first and it really helped.

Good luck!! (eat lots of cake!)

You sound normal to me. I think it is really hard when you are sleep deprived and I remember the dread of going to bed because you know you will be woken but the baby will start to sleep longer and you will get used to less sleep.

Also don't worry about playing with a baby. I had 4 under 4 earlier this year and believe me, if the baby was content in a bouncer he got left there, no time for playing, baby massage etc etc!!!

Just concntrate on getting through each day, try to get out in the fresh air if you can and know that you will look back in a few months feeling proud that you made it!

You sound as if you're doing fantastically well, esp after a tough delivery. If he is fed, changed and held you are meeting all his needs. He doesn't need playing with as such, just held, stroked, cuddled. If you are in my neck of the woods will be happy to help.

Gah! Sorry - saying it was hard for 4 months was not encouraging!! I don't mean I hated it for 4 months - DD was/is absolutely lovely, her smiles made it all worth it and my favourite thing to do was to wheel her round town and have old ladies admire her beauty! (M&S v good for this)

Thank you for all your advice.

It's nice to know it's normal and I'm not totally loosing it.

I am always hard on myself with everything I do and impatient so I'm probably expecting too much too soon.

I'm already trying to plan groups etc to attend the week after next... maybe I should try and walk before I run!

Thank you all x

Totally, totally normal (although I'm sure that doesn't make you feel less exhausted/terrified). I had a traumatic birth and it took a good few weeks for my head to settle down and for me to actually bond properly with my babies. If you get really worried about how you're feeling, don't hesitate to phone your HV - mine was really nice and talked me down off a ledge a few times.

Teariness is normal too (though scary and weird for you and DH) We now laugh about the evening when I cried uncontrollably at a Tesco advert ('But they're RIGHT! Every little DOES he-he-he-heeelp!)

If you can, take DS in his buggy to the park or the shops or something. I found fresh air really helped me and the bubbas. If you can't face it/fit it in, just make a really nice nest on your sofa.

Try not to fret too much about DH going back to work, although I do seem to remember clutching DH's ankles and begging him not to abandon me...

It does get easier - we're now TTC again, so it can't be that bad!

It's normal but believe me life will return to 'normal' one day. Just a new kind of normal!

I felt really similar to you with DD1 after a traumatic birth. With DD2 I knew I just had to grit my teeth and get on with it and it honestly went in a flash and now at 15 weeks we are on to all the wonderful stuff - smiling, laughing, playing, rolling and all the rest of it.

If you feel you need support regarding your birth experience then there are lots of lovely people on here who can support you if you start a thread, or the birth trauma association are also very very helpful. I found that it really helped to talk about DD1's birth but I didn't find amnyone I could do that with until she was 18 months old!

I read your post and had to respond because this was me 6 months ago - traumatic early delivery, worrying about not enjoying the baby and all. Just to echo what everyone else has said: the early days are pretty tough, BUT it does get better AND (though when people said this to me at the time I didn't believe it) you will get less tired and start to feel more like your old self again. Fresh air certainly helped me - I didn't really do much early on - just got the baby into the pram and went for a short walk. And accept any/every offer of help that you get. I'm sure that in a couple of weeks you'll feel like a totally different person, but if you do continue to feel anxious please talk to someone - without realising it I had PND and it was only when I finally spoke to my HV that I was able to get some help.I am so much better now, and would hate to think of anyone else having the tough time that I did. I know it's easy to say, but try not to worry: you're a great Mum & doing brilliantly.

I found 2 weeks to be my lowest/toughest point - by 6-8 weeks things were getting easier, I felt like going to a couple of groups and met other mums.

Hand the baby over to your partner as often as possible! He can change him/bath him/take him out for an hour or two in the pram. And do try to sleep whenever you can.

For at least the first month I barely moved from the sofa or the bed, watched tons of mindless telly, read gossip magazines and ate my bodyweight in cake. I didn't even get dressed half the time. Just aim to get both of you alive to the end of the day, anything more is a bonus!

Having a newborn is totally overwhelming, you are sleep deprived and your hormones are all over the place - we've all been there (and survived!)

Please remember, this isn't "your new life". It's just a very small part of a much bigger picture.

Absolutely normal. It all seems so overwhelming at first, but I promise it will get better!

For now, focus on getting through each day with you both fed, clean and rested. The odd walk can be great for a bit of fresh air, and it can be nice to have friends over for a bit of adult conversation but don't put too much pressure on yourself.

The newborn stage seems endless when you're there but before too long you'll look back and wonder where it went.

Also, don't stress about not feeling full of excitement and joy just yet- once your DS starts to develop more and hits milestones like the first smile, it will be easier to enjoy being with him. And 'playing' will come naturally as he responds to you.

I have to agree with the others. Sounds normal. I myself am a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak therefore get anxious when things dont go to plan or how I imagined.

Can your mum or DH's mum be around to help? My mum was a rock as although she couldn't feed my DD she helped around the house and made me lunch etc.

It does get easier. The first 3 months are the hardest. When your DS smiles at you for the first time you know it was worth it!