how bad is it for me to cry in front of DS?

[becstarlitsea]

...or not at all?

Yesterday I got so frustrated with DS's behaviour (running out in front of a car, shouting names at another boy, laughing at me when I told him off, running off down a main road when I asked him to hold hands... and there more... just total mayhem...) that I burst into tears while telling him off. This has happened before - I cry quite easily and find it hard to hold back tears. I told DS that I was crying because I was upset by his behaviour, and told him that I'd feel better after we'd both had time to calm down.

Like I say, I've cried in front of DS before - when overwhelmed, frustrated etc. and explained exactly why I was crying, dried my tears and told him that I'll be fine after a sit down with a cup of tea. And I didn't used to worry about it 'til I read a comment from Tanya Byron (can't find it online to link to, it was in the Guardian) saying that it was bad to cry in front of our children when we are just 'overwhelmed by life' as that is traumatic for them. I thought it was okay as long as I was clear when it was nothing to do with him and told him when I was feeling better and why. In fact I thought it was an improvement on my own childhood where my parents always told me how happy they were but I knew something was very wrong and thought I must be a bit mad because they told me they were fine (both had depression).

MN verdict? Be gentle, I didn't put this in AIBU! (fraidy cat!)

I think if you can explain to your child and they can understand that your tears are normal and more importantly, transient, then it's a valuable lesson. That we're human. That we too struggle sometimes.

I cry in front of dd though v rarely and it gives her the opportunity to show empathy. She cuddles up to me, pats my hair, shushes me etc. She understands that it's a fleeting thing.

If you're sobbing in front of them regularly, they don't understand why and you can't explain it to them, then yes I would imagine it's very confusing for them but I don't think that's what's happening here is it?

My parents would row terribly behind closed doors and tell me it was 'just a grown up game and not to worry'. I wasn't thick. I felt v v v confused.

Look I will just tell you a story of what happened to me.

When DD was 18m she got really ill and was eventually hospitalised in a fantastic private hospital in London. By this point I had had weeks of no sleep and a very, very poorly baby and no doctor taking my concerns seriously, I was a wreck and as DD was getting better there I started to cry and let go of some of the panic and fear I had held onto.

I did this in front of DD and her peadiatrician who pulled a face at me. The P later spoke to me and my DH and said never ever to do this again as it was an extremely negative and disturbing to a child to see their Mother cry and sob. She took it so seriously I thought she was going to report me or something.

Make of that what you will...

Nothing remotely bad with crying in front of your child - it helps them to understand that you have feelings too. If you were doing it a lot, then I'd suggest you needed to try to get a bit of help - but more because crying often might mean you needed some help, not the "in front of DC" part.

As you say, better to cry and admit you were upset than to pretend everything is fine, when children pick up your mood anyway. All that teaches them is that feelings are wrong, they can't trust you to be honest, and they can't be sure what they are perceiving is real.

I cry all the time - happy, sad, upset... I generally explain what the reason is.

As you say, better to cry and admit you were upset than to pretend everything is fine, when children pick up your mood anyway. All that teaches them is that feelings are wrong, they can't trust you to be honest, and they can't be sure what they are perceiving is real.

Really, really well said.

It is iimportant to show emotions - crying is a natural response to many situations

I have cried in front of my children but always explained why

I think it can encourage empathy

Your child won't be traumatized by seeing you cry

I have cried many times in front of my now 14 month old (have a knob for a husband). He laughs at me....

Grapeandlemon - that doctor sounds really off the mark actually

I think it only becomes a problem if you use it to consciously manipulate the child
otherwise well, we all have our bad days and breaking points

they at some point become aware of your emotions and learn to care and discuss theirs too

but then again support should not come from the child imo, make sure you build a network of support for yourself and try and not become overwhelmed too often, imo best for all in the end

I think crying in front of your child is fine. I cry if I hurt myself, if I am sad about something. DD was very sweet when I lost my dad and was upset. she used to rub my back We talked about why I was crying ( that I missed my dad and was sad he had died) and that made sense to her so it was fine.

I would say though that telling your child that you are crying because of his behaviour is not something I personally would do.
I think that is quite burdensome.

If I were so upset and frustrated with a small child that I cried ( which tbh I wouldn't ) I would talk about my crying in terms of 'I am tired, it has been a hard day' type stuff. I might even add @in fact I would love it if you would help me a bit by holding my hand until we get home.

I would rather teach my child that life can be sad and he can help alleviate that ratherthan teaching him that he makes me weep.
When they are older they have put it into perspective. But small childrenn?.. not so sure. I think it has the potential for bad guilty stuff.

I've cried occasionally in front of the dc - sometimes when its just got too much and I've been really tired - I think it's ok for them to know that we are human and it's ok to cry - but very important for them to understand why.

My ds does remember the occasions that I've cried (once when I trapped my finger in the car door and another time when I hit my head on a metal bar) and does say 'mummy do you remember you cried when you hit your head'

whew, this is all very reassuring. I think Tanya Byron is great - if sundry other 'parenting gurus' had said it, it would have just been 'meh' and ignore them. But since I read that comment I've worried maybe in my determination not to live in denial I might be pushing all kinds of trauma onto DS.

Yesterday he did look so upset when I burst into tears and he said 'Oh, don't cry Mummy!' and it's because he knew he'd been a little you-know-what, and suddenly was very sorry for it. And remembering the TB comment I thought it was crap parenting on my part to be crying in case it scars him with guilt or something. Really though, I couldn't help it. I'd had it up to here (gestures to four feet above head height).

when my dad died in april this year i cried ALOT and i cried quite a few times on fromt of my kids. Of course i explained i was sad because grandad had died. i don't feel that this was wrong. in fact it allowed my two kids to grieve for their grandad with me and not feel they had to be brave for me.

In my opinion there is nothing wrong in a) showing emotion and b) showing our children that they can cause this emotion. They need to learn that mummy and daddy are human.

Agree with pag. Showing human weakness if fine, but try to make sure it does not often happen when he bears the responsibility: that can be a very heavy burden of guilt.

Ah, was slow posting, just read pagwatch. Since I really couldn't help crying, and since it was because of his behaviour, should I have said something else? I wasn't tired, I'd had a great day 'til I picked him up, had skipped to school gates perfectly happy, so it really would be a lie? Is it something wrong with me that I do cry because of his behaviour sometimes? Not often, but sometimes? He isn't naughtier than the average 4 year old, but he has much, much more energy than average and much less sense of danger so it's just the incessant nature of it and how stressed I get when he nearly throws himself under a passing ambulance etc.

I have cried a few times in front of dd, usually when I am overwhelmed, which does upset her. At bedtime, we usually have a little chat about our day, and when things are quiet and calm, I try to explain why I was upset earlier.

She doesn't seem unduly traumatised.

grapeandlemon what a turd of a paedeatrician. What a ridiculous thing to say.

There is nothing wrong with showing emotion in front of kids. It can be very unhealthy not to. My mum, bless her, always hid all her negative feelings, but I always knew nevertheless that she was feeling sad. All the hiding achieved was me growing up to be super-sensitive to other people's moods and feeling like they might be hiding their true feelings.

I read this a while back and it made me feel bad as about 18 mths ago I was on hormone injections which totally knocked me for six and I was like a different person during that time and frequently cried in front of DS.

I think it is best to try to avoid frequent displays of emotion in front of DCs, but we parents are human, life happens, and sometimes it is difficult to stop that from spilling out in front of them. Provided it is not all the time, I don't see it as being a major issue.

My friend takes the whole keeping a brave face in front of the DCs very seriously. We were on holiday and she slipped on the edge of the swimming pool and got a huge gash in her head, blood everywhere, needed stitches to sort it out, her main worry was not to worry the children and to remain calm in front of them because that's what mums must do. I thought this was very admirable, but I'm afraid if I had hurt myself badly my first thought would be for myself - I don't think that is so awful.

Narmada my mum is like this too- my sister and I joke that even if her head fell off into a big muddy puddle she'd just pop it back on again with a bright "there, nothing to worry about!" and carry on- I find it hard now to express when I need a bit of emotional support because I guess I learned that mums just put up with it and carry on.

(eg recently I told her that I'd struggled on and off for years with a minor sort of bulimia and although she looked shocked she said "well as long as you're happy now" ffs! Love her and her foolish ways;)

OP- Don't think there is anything wrong with letting him know that sometimes his behaviour can upset you. It's not a guilt trip but at the same time I do think it's healthy for mine to realise that they do have a part to play in how other people feel.

I think it's a natural thing to do. My DS1 has great trouble empathising anyway (quite possibly has Aspergers). I've cried in front of him a couple of times, usually in private, most recently when I was asked to withdraw him from school (didn't cry in front of the head but broke down when I got to the car) I don't think he understood why - he still hasn't fully grasped that he's not going back to that school - he's only 4.

We're all human, sadness, frustration etc are normal human emotions. Why should we have to suppress them all the time. As long as we're not crying in front of the children too frequently, I don't see the problem.

I am quite an emotional person,I cry in front of DD for various reasons,she always asks why and knows it can be physical hurt,fear,sadness,relief,frustration,anger or indeed pride[DD's achievements] and nothing stops tears quicker than having to give a lucid explanation,indeed I have been known to break into giggles mid tears/explanation which then makes her laugh.She cries herself at times for similar reasons and relates to those emotions.

But everyone is different DH only cry's at 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' and to see him in tears otherwise would worry her.

So for me personally I would be fine to say I was crying because I was frustrated that you ran away from me and I was frightened when you ran into the road.

TheRedSalamander - so funny, that's exactly what my Mum said when I told her I was in alcoholics anonymous (over a dozen years sober now...) "Well, as long as you're fine now, and you promise not to tell anyone". I do think that the years of being told that it's weird to express any emotion, then learning to express emotion later in life, means that I now cry more easily as I didn't get the practice as a child and role-modelling from my parents.

It was the fact that dd was comforting me that she went mad about. Needless to say I am too fearful to start crying in front of her.