how bad is it for me to cry in front of DS?

[becstarlitsea]

...or not at all?

Yesterday I got so frustrated with DS's behaviour (running out in front of a car, shouting names at another boy, laughing at me when I told him off, running off down a main road when I asked him to hold hands... and there more... just total mayhem...) that I burst into tears while telling him off. This has happened before - I cry quite easily and find it hard to hold back tears. I told DS that I was crying because I was upset by his behaviour, and told him that I'd feel better after we'd both had time to calm down.

Like I say, I've cried in front of DS before - when overwhelmed, frustrated etc. and explained exactly why I was crying, dried my tears and told him that I'll be fine after a sit down with a cup of tea. And I didn't used to worry about it 'til I read a comment from Tanya Byron (can't find it online to link to, it was in the Guardian) saying that it was bad to cry in front of our children when we are just 'overwhelmed by life' as that is traumatic for them. I thought it was okay as long as I was clear when it was nothing to do with him and told him when I was feeling better and why. In fact I thought it was an improvement on my own childhood where my parents always told me how happy they were but I knew something was very wrong and thought I must be a bit mad because they told me they were fine (both had depression).

MN verdict? Be gentle, I didn't put this in AIBU! (fraidy cat!)

Have to clarify am not in tears that frequently...have'nt cried for months

grapeandlemon still think the paed was mad. People are obsessed with children's supposed vulnerability to the teeniest emotional slight. I am not suggesting we go around being deliberately thoughtless, but really, how ridiculous. Kids in most other countries around the world, with far less emotionally cosseted upbringings, fare surprisingly well....

Poor you (and others who have posted here). Sometimes this sort of thing is impossible to suppress, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes we are just pushed past our personal limit by circumstances and our 'stiff upper lip' policies fly out the window.

I see little sense in beating someone up for this. Better to avoid a repeat by offering support/tea/sympathy than tut-tutting

I would go so far as to say it is unhealthy not to cry in front of your children. I do it - well, not all the time, I am not going through huge trauma or depression right now - but certainly whenever I feel the need to cry. It can be because I am feeling unwell, or have had a row with dh or simply feeling sad about something or sorry for myself.

I go further. Now that my children are a bit older (2 at secondary school) I even go to them for comfort, well to ds2 anyway who is affectionate and sympathetic - ds1 wouldn't offer me much comfort though even he has done things to put things right for me even though he can't do the comfort thing.

I don't understand the argument that your children should never see you cry. Why not? I have emotions like anyone else, and I think it is healthy to express your emotions and not bottle them up.

That said, I agree with pagwatch that I probably wouldn't be too keen to let my child know I am crying because of their behaviour. Just say you are having a bad day and it would be nice if the child could be a little bit helpful/calmer/kinder/whatever is appropriate.

I never saw either of my parents cry when I was a child nor have I as an adult.

I have always found their inability to show their emotions in front of me to be very unsettling.

Consequently I make sure that I do not hide tears from my DS. In general I do try not to cry in response to his behaviour if I know that my need to cry is just tiredness or I can see he is testing the boundaries (he is just 2) and I always explain to him why I am crying and reassure him that it is not his fault.

I do worry my personal limit might be too low... DS is sooo lovely but my GOD IN HEAVEN he is hard work sometimes. I am mostly proud and delighted that he's so physically strong, such a fast runner, so fearless and sure of himself and has a mind which just never quits. He doesn't sleep much, but I can't complain, the lovely boy doesn't wake me any more - he talks to his teddy bear until morning. If I go for a wee in the night I can hear him wittering away at that flippin' bear... I think that the sheer DS-ness of him is brilliant. But sometimes it's all a bit much - it was too much yesterday afternoon. Oh dear, I'm not sure how to make sure of avoiding that repeat llandb - I'm not sure there's enough tea in China.

I think you should try to avoid it as much as humanly possible. You can tell a child you're sad and the reason why, but bursting out crying or sobbing make a child feel that they might be responsible for making you cry (too much power over your emotions, too much capacity to get a reaction out of you), responsible for helping you stop/give comfort (role reversal), or feel that you, the grown up, are not in charge, which means that the child might be -- none of which are good for the child.

If you're prone to it, try to bite your tongue, or wear an elastic hair thing around your wrist and snap it at a moment of stress. It worries children, and if it happens too much, it makes it easy for a child to dismiss it and become callous. It's a bit of a burden to place on a child.

Crying at a funeral or when something happens in a film or some emotional speech, when you've been affected by the event, is different (but you should always get your own tissue to dry your eyes with or blow your nose), as you can explain the circumstances to the child, but crying over something the child did or something the child is going through -- I agree with the doctor who was mentioned earlier.

A child whose parent cries over him feels a whirl of conflicting emotions, including fear that mummy is not in charge, anger at mummy for not being in charge, immense sorrow for causing the crying, and ultimately resentment of having to deal with a crying mummy without any of the resources that age and maturity bring to such a task.

It depends, my parents had a very turbulent relationship and I have quite bad childhood memories of my mum crying and feeling scared and powerless. Then when I was a teenager I think she suffered quite badly with depression and I would often find her crying in her room, but I'd got so used to it I would sometimes think 'god, not again!' and tiptoe past her room to go to bed and ignore her. And then feel horrendously guilty.

That's an extreme example though, I think what you're describing sounds ok though I probably wouldn't tell your child you're crying because of him. I cried in front of DD1 (2.6) twice when I was pregnant, once through exhaustion and once when a mean midwife refused to do a sweep when I was overdue! Both times DD looked so sad and worried and was trying to brush tears off my face it made me resolve to try and never do it again.

I was thinking about this more over the weekend and had a chat with DH about it. I think if DS thought I was deeply unhappy he would be traumatised by my crying - I think kids do pick up on that, just as I used to pick up on my parents deep unhappiness (which they told me wasn't real, but I could tell it was). But considering DH and I are in a very happy marriage, I'm doing the work I love, and I feel happy with life when I wake up in the morning, and considering that after the rare occasions when I've had a cry, when I tell DS 'Feeling better now, right, let's start again!' I genuinely am feeling fine - not wildly happy that things went so pear-shaped, but not stressed either, and from the look of him, neither is he.

I'm still not sure about the idea of lying to him about whether it's because of his behaviour, even though a few of you are sure that's the right way to go. I really appreciate the perspectives and have been thinking about it quite a bit, but I'm just not sure that it's right...

I mean if there were other factors that had made me cry, of course it would make sense to explain them to him rather than blame him for something else that wasn't his fault. But this was very clearly his fault - and he knew it. So if I said 'No I'm not crying because you did that, I'm crying because I'm tired' I am sure that he'd know I was lying, he'd probably (knowing him) ask me why I was lying, and he'd wonder why what he'd done was so awful that I'd lie about it rather than say 'Yes, I'm crying because I've had enough of you being so rude to me, and I don't like being spoken to like that. Now I need a sit down and a cup of tea and I'll be alright again in a minute once we've both had chance to calm down' If it were an emotionally charged atmosphere at home, eg like you describe PutTheKettleOn I think he'd find it traumatic... But it's not.

The last time DS made me cry was a year ago when he kicked me in the face and knocked out one of my teeth (not deliberately, he was flailing when the gp was trying to examine him and... next thing I knew I was spitting blood - thanks to the gp and my lovely dentist I got the tooth back!). I just think if I'd said 'Oh no, DS, I'm not crying because you kicked me in the face, I'm crying about something that happened at work' (sorry, bit facetious, but ykwim!) I think he would find that more traumatic than just 'Flamin' Nora, you've taken my tooth out you little blighter!' Wouldn't he find it weird to know that he'd had an emotional effect on me but for me to say 'No, it's not you, it's [something I just made up]'??

becstarlitsea

just coming back to your earlier post...

we are all human and I think having a burn out moment isn't ever going to be a bad thing. We cannot possibly always do that which we would conciously chose IYSWIM
I am sure I have said to my DCs 'will you just go away for 5 minutes , you are driving me round the bend" even though I would rather not

I guess I just mean that telling our children that they have brought us to tears isn't the best thing if it is a messagethey are likely to internalise.
I know someone who sits down and tells her 6 year old that they "have runined my day and made me feel really sad and tired" just as she says goodnight.

I was probably chanelling that - an image that makes me want to pick him up and run away with him every time she tells me. But a human, honest 'oh good lord, I have had enough' is fine IMHO. Just on the same rarity as bereavement crying or pain crying

I can remember each occasion that my parents cried in front of me before I was 'grown up' at 18:

They both cried and screamed in the street when my sister had a febrile convulsion in her pushchair (I was 3)
My dad cried when our cat died
My mum cried (when she thought I was asleep) when she got a parking ticket.
And I made my mum cry by being a foul teenager to her as we were walking down the highstreet.

Make of that what you will - each event is very clearly imprinted in my mind - don't think it's damaging as such but very significant.

oh pagwatch, that poor kid! How dreadful, especially as if she's sad every single day it's clearly not the kid's fault but a 6 yo would feel that it really was. I can really feel for that as I always felt that my parents' unhappiness was my fault. I promise that the image you were channelling was nothing like the image of me and DS. I don't cry in front of him often - and only I think three times where it was related to his behaviour (last week + toothgate + one other time). When it's not been related to his behaviour I'm very clear with him what it's about eg this isn't often, but occasionally I cry when I have a bad migraine - the pain and the vomiting make it impossible for me to do otherwise. He knows about this and is kind but unflustered by it ie 'Mummy since you've got your splitting headache shall I get you a cold flannel? Then can I watch Ben 10?' And I cry when we watch movies together. 101 Dalmations always gets me. DS snorts with derision and passes me a tissue with a 'Mummy you can't cry EVERY time, you do know it's not real, don't you?'

My MIL always cried in front of dh, had done all her life disappointed, let down by him bla blah but could never talk to him about how she felt or make things better just sobbed..... He now see's tears as emotional blackmail and my tears mean nothing! Make of that what you will....