I'm a crap mum, please help :(

[Katerpillar]

I've never really mentioned anything about this to anyone other than my partner as I'm too ashamed of how I've been feeling and behaving. I've got a 4 month old son and basically I am a crap excuse for a mother.

I deal with his physical needs perfectly, of course; he is well fed and looked after etc, and is developing very well. It's just him as a person I can't quite manage if that makes sense. It's horrible sounding but I feel like my partner and I made a huge mistake having him. It is awful to say I know, especially with all the people out there who can't have children but that's how I feel. I've felt this way since I was pregnant and it sounds terrible but I really don't know why I went through with the pregnancy :(

The main problem is that I absolutely cannot bear to be alone with him. My partner is a wonderful support and is a fantastic dad. He is currently only working part time so he can help look after our son. But I dread when he does have to work. I am awake all night, I panic and I even cry at the prospect of being alone with my own son. How pathetic is that? As you may be able to tell by this frenzied post being written at 5.30am, he is working tomorrow...

It just seems that our son is all giggling and smiling for my partner and for all our family and friends but whenever I am alone with him, all he seems to do is scream and cry endlessly. Its not like I ignore him or just leave him either. I try and do all the things my partner does with him that make him smile and laugh but he just doesn't seem interested. I feel drained after about 15 minutes of hopelessly trying to entertain him, and then the crying starts. He literally screams for no reason for ages. And this only seems to be with me. I try cuddling him, carrying him around, playing with his toys with him, giving him some water, leaving him alone, and nothing works. Basically i think he has picked up on the fact I don't want to be with him and he just hates me :( Not that I can blame him as on a couple of occasions I have really lost my temper and ended up shouting at him. I felt so terrible straight away that I just cried. Even more disgustingly I sometimes momentarily even feel like I want to hit him. Of course I NEVER EVER would but the fleeting feeling is horrible enough.

I just don't know what to do. My partner is actually almost afraid to go to work as a couple of times I have phoned him up screaming hysterically down the phone that if he doesn't come home right now I'm going to end up taking our son to a safe place like a hospital and just leaving him there :( I don't think my partner trusts me at all and who can blame him?

In the beginning, for the first couple of weeks I was actually very happy. I felt like I had bonded perfectly with my son which was a lovely surprise after the negative feelings I'd had whilst pregnant. I barely would let anyone else get a look in as I just wanted him in my arms all the time. I have no idea what changed, especially as things were technically a lot harder with a demanding newborn who is awake most of the night etc. (He now sleeps about 10 hours at night atm so am very lucky!) Then suddenly I was terrified of even a moment alone with him.

The first thing I did was talk to my partner. He tried putting my mind at rest by telling me it would pass and assuring me I was doing a great job. But I knew deep down that things were getting worse, not better so I went to see the doctor. I'd suffered with depression prior to my pregnancy and had been made aware during the pregnancy of my risk of postnatal depression. Surprisingly, the doctor said pretty much the same thing as my partner but dosed me up on a few antidepressants. I couldn't believe how little help I was offered. He told me to talk to my health visitor but there was no way I was going to do that as she was a patronising bitch who i felt had taken a dislike to my partner and I.

I used to cope with my partner being at work by getting his mum or sister to come over while I was alone with our son. They are incredibly loving and supportive and absolutely dote on our son. I pretended the reason I needed them there was because I was recovering from the caesarean section and needed a bit of extra help. Of course I couldn't keep that up for long and I started to feel guilty for imposing on their lives. I didn't want them to feel like I'm just lazy or can't be bothered to look after my child because it really isn't that. I entered into motherhood with no illusions. In fact it is better than I expected in some ways; our son sleeps through the night, I get to go out with my friends once a week while my partner babysits and I do the same for him. All i want is to feel like I can love my son. :(

Please has anybody got any advice on how I can stop panicking and be able to bear or even start to enjoy spending time alone with my son? My partner doesn't understand how I feel, I don't know any other mums, I don't get on with my own mother and I am too ashamed to tell any of my friends.

I appreciate this probably makes no sense as it is now almost 6am and I have not yet been to sleep. Sorry for rambling.

Oh Love, 4 months in is a pretty notorious time for feeling the pressure.

Going to do a longer response but wnted to let you know I'm here

I don't think you're by any means the only person to feel that way - I know at about 16 weeks I was ragged and felt totally useless because I couldn't get a handle on it at all.

Firstly, DS won't need a great deal of entertianing at that age, so don't put yourself under pressure there.

Secondly breath slowly and remember that having a baby is a massive life changing thing which no advice in the world can actually prepare you for. You're doing fine. I found that the Penelope Leach books were massively helpful in starting to understand the practicalities and how to understand what littlemad wanted - might be worth a try.

I imagine your family are delighted to help and support you - don't forget they love your bundle as well - most people are really happy to look after newborns for a while. Really don't be afraid to ask for help.

Do you go to any groups? I'm not a huge fan of them but you might meet other people and it really helps pass the time - I met my best friend that way and we saved each other's sanity on many occasions!

Failing everything else, bundle up baby and get out for a walk every single day, it helps both of you - I promise.

More people will be along soon I'm sure but am around if you want to chat a bit

Morning Kate.
Sorry you are feeling so low.
My ds 2 is 19 weeks and it is only the last few weeks that I have got to know and really LIKE him. He was poorly for the first few months and that didn't help, but with ds 1 who was an 'easy' kid, it took me a long time to sttle in to being his parent. ANd even then I crashed about 4 mths when the relentlessness of parenting hit me.

You need to get out. Things are much easier when you are out and about. We are skint, but for the sake of my mental health (i have pnd) I have 30 ish quid a week put aside for bus fares and group fees, etc. Means we aren't saving and are up to our max, but it is survival mode atm.

Are there groups near you? I go to a breastfeeding group and it is fantastic. With ds1 I went to a first year group and it was a life saver for many of us. I have made frineds and we meet up through the week. There is rarely a day I haven't something arranged.

You also need to tell your friends/family how you feel. You sound like you maybe have post natal illness, like me, and it becomes a vicious circle. Have you any nice hcps you could approach as you hv is no help?

Your baby loves you and needs you - never doubt this. You and your partner are his world. You are a very important person at the moment and you need to get the help you deserve.

I really feel for you. It is a very dark place to be, but you can get out with help.

And yes, family will be very happy to help with the baby! They will not think you are lazy.!

Have you spoken to your GP?

Im so sorry you are feeling this way - I never had it this tough but it is bloody hard work with a newborn.

First off stop comparing to your dh

Go back to GP and tell him/her you need some more help

Call the health visitor and ask for a different one to be assigned to you if you dont like the one you have and tell them how you are feeling

Tell you mum/sister/sil and ask for their help

Dont suffer this alone it will make it worse not better

I completely agree with nicky - get out of the house and go to any groups you can - is there a surestart group near you? Do they have homestart? Find mother and baby groups, breastfeeding group? baby massage, baby signing? These things are a god send - I always found babies slept better and were more content when they were out and about and of course you have support of the other mums to ehlp you.

Where are you - perhaps one of the mumsnetters can help?

Kate, you're not a crap mum. You're just struggling to adjust to the enormity and responsibility of having a baby, and beating yourself up about it by comparing yourself to your partner isn't helping.

The baby is probably picking up on your stress, but babies don't hate anyone, least of all their mother. He's programmed to love you, but it doesn't follow that you are programmed to love him - that can take time, and you're not the first mother not to feel love for her child automatically.

It seems to me, as nickytwotimes has said, that you might have some kind of PND, so you need to get a diagnosis and treatment for that as soon as possible. With the right medication, counselling and support, you will start to see light at the end of the tunnel.

And do try to find mother & toddler groups locally. It makes a huge difference to be able to meet other mums in the same position as you - stressed, frazzled and coping with a newborn for the first time. By making friends with other mums you will feel more normal, and it will give you something to fill your day with if you know you have a coffee morning to go to, or a friend to meet in the park. Being stuck at home with a tiny baby is awful when it's day in, day out, so you need to break that cycle.

And please keep telling yourself, you are not a crap mum. You are a good person who is trying her best, and just needs some help at a difficult time in her life.

Aww chuck, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. But please rest assured a hell of a lot of mums feel the same way but will never speak their minds, we are supposed to be the maternal ones and fawn over our babies but in reality its bloody hard work.

I can admit now that I didn't bond with my son til he was approx 6 months old, I went through the actions of caring for him and making sure he was fed, clothed and cuddled but my heart wasn't in it, I just kept thinking what the hell have I done, how can I be responsible for this little person and myself.

But as time went on and more of his little personality came out I just fell in love with him and had a good heart wrenching cry in the bathroom all through guilt of how I had been feeling since he was born, I worried I had scarred him for life.

My son is 7 now and THE biggest mummies boy going, we have such a good relationship I just wish I could go back and have those first 6 months over again.

I have since had my daughter who will soon be 3 and I fell in love with her from the minute I saw her.

Please don't beat yourself up about this, if it helps nip along to your gp and have a word, you wont be the first mum to feel this way and they will in no way think you are a bad mummy.

All the best xx

Hi everyone.
Thanks so much for some lovely messages. It's my first time on here so it was really really nice of you all to take some time out to comment on my hysterical ramblings.

I have had a total half an hour's sleep which isn't too ideal! I think you're all probably right about going back to see the doctor. I just hate going so much as in my experience the nhs' answer to any kind of depression or similar mental health issue is just pumping up the drugs and moving the queue along... I guess these things need perseverance though maybe?

I live in Southampton so i guess there must be some groups around here? It sounds stupid but I always thought that groups etc were only for when kids are toddler aged? I must sound like a bit of an idiot but the health visitor didn't explain much about this... I've joined the local thing on this site too so hopefully will find some joy there. :)

I know you're all probably right about trying to get out and about with him a bit more but- and this sounds really silly- I am terrified of him having a crying fit while we're out. The sort of paddy where there is nothing that can be done, I mean. This has happened before and theres no choice but to grin and bear it and rush home after jiggling him about and giving him a cuddle doesn't work. I always feel like people are looking at me and judging me- especially old ladies!!- for having this screaming baby yet not doing anything about it...

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's helping to get things into perspective that little bit to know that I'm not completely alone and that not everyone thinks I'm a nutter. When I googled this kind of concern, there was some poor woman who had asked a similar question on Yahoo answers or something and had received some brutally nasty and cruel comments so i was a little scared I'd receive similar...

Thanks again.

google homestart southampton and give them a call - they may have some groups that you can go to - or you could have a volunteer who would just give you some breathing space and support especially if you get anxious about being out and about.
You are not alone and there is lots of support out there to get you through the early weeks/months.

It is so hard, I flet just the same when we had our son. He is my life and a full on 4 year old.

Let others help. Ask your health Visitor about home start.

I am in Southampton too - if you need a listening ear I am not a crazy loon promise but would be very happy to meet up for a cuppa sometime.

kate I am really sorry you are feeling like this.

You mentioned you had a cs? Was it an emergency cs/traumatic birth? If so, its perhaps not that surprising that you are struggling to bond with your son. with my ds1 I felt very protective of him, but the love took a while tbh. I was exhasuted, he did not sleep well at all and had feeding issues. Remember that you need time to get to know your son and he you...it takes time.

I think going to the gp/hv is a good start. I had late onset PND with ds1 and the pills were a great help and I was only on them for 4 months.

There is such a thing as ante natal depression...perhaps you suffered from that during your pregnancy too?

You are not alone.

...and second what posters have said about getting out of the house, to the shops, the park, anything. He will cry...its what babies do!!! Ignore old ladies, they are evil interfering busybodies.

Seriously, go to your GP. It sounds as though you have some kind of post-natal depression...

Talk to your HV and Surestart. They should give you lots of pointers to go to baby groups. Did you do NCT? I didn't, but luckily my doctors arranged a post-natal group and they were a life-saver for me in those early days. It's so isolating when you first have a baby.

Go for a walk EVERY day. Fresh air does you the world of good.

You are NOT a crap mum. It's a huge adjustment to make and a bewildering experience at first.

Oh I am so sorry.

I used to feel like that, and would call up DH at 9:00 telling him I would not be able to make it through the day, he had to come back a few times.

I also remember thinking nasty scary thoughts, everyone has these dark thoughts inside them, but you KNOW you would not act on them.

I was very surprised that when I went to see my doc, he instantly told me it was:
a) normal
b) PND

I did not take drugs, as I am scared of numbing my feelings, but that is a personal choice. I wanted to tackle the root of the problem.

I needed to change things in my life. I realised I had become completely isolated since my son`s birth. Also, very sleep deprived which f%%cks up your mind.

Also, some babies ARE difficult. Mine did not like being held, made me feel like he rejected me.

Well done for recognising you have a problem, please take steps now.

You are NOT a crap mum sweetie, and please come and talk here if you need to.

I know what you mean about feeling self conscious when you are out and about. I didn't leave the house for months when DS1 was a baby for that very reason. I have since discovered that the people who are looking when your baby cries are looking with sympathy, honest they are. Especially the old ladies.

I second everything everyone else has said re getting out of the house and seeing your GP again. Most of us struggle the first few months (and beyond!) so don't be hard on yourself. Your son adores you and given a bit of time and support you'll be totally in love with him too soon enough.

Also to echo Chandon, I didn't take any medication either but that was what was right for me.

Those momentary feelings about harming your baby? Followed by horror you even felt them? Totally normal. Have a read of this - they're referenced in there. And it's a wonderful book anyway and will make you feel better.

You do have PND, I think. You need a new health visitor if you're not happy with your own. You need a good HV so get that one sorted.

And have a plan for when you're on your own. There are LOADS of baby groups! I agree with others that 4 months is a real low point. You feel like you should be on top of it but it's still such hard work. At your stage, I had a baby group identified for every day of the week, Mon-Fri. I didn't always go - but knowing that it was Tuesday and therefore Baby Song was a real help.

The screaming could well be teething, you know. It could be any number of things. And I know it seems like he only screams when it's just the two of you, but I bet it also seems like he screams the nanosecond the meal is ready, or the second you've sat down, or the kettle's boiled. It's just co-incidence, reinforced by the fact you're expecting it.

Now then - Southampton. Not wishing to send you over to the competition, but have a look here. I know Southampton pretty well - do you have a car? Because even if you're going over to Fareham or even Gosport, that's fine, it's only 20 minutes on the M27. How about your local Children's Centre? They'll have a stay and play, or post-natal classes which you may find useful. Baby massage is also a lovely way to connect with your baby.

Hi ya. Definately google homestart & surestart in your area. The surestart centre i go to is fantastic! They do a toy library, i've ordered a door bouncer & a big musical chair thingy & it's about 90p a month ( i think). I've just moved to a completely new area & i love it there! Definately ask for another HV, you need to be happy & relaxed so you can open up more. Plus they're used to this sort of thing. After my c section i couldn't bear to look at my son, i felt very dark. I've never told anyone this. After i caught up on my sleep i felt totally different towards him, my whole world revolves round him now. It does sound like sleep deprivation that's making you worse (also depression) i'm sure if you get proper help you'll get better. You do love him, because you couldn't put him down as a newborn & you're doing the right thing by asking for help. You're not the only one to feel like this. Good luck x

As everyone says it's a classic time for depression to hit. I got to a real low point around 4 months. It was Bloody Hard.

Get your family around. They will want to help and will want to see your little one.

Try and get out every day. Follow <a class="break-all" href="http://www.southampton.gov.uk/learning/eycprovision/surestart.aspxwww.southampton.gov.uk/learning/eycprovision/surestart.aspx" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this link for a list of sure start centres in your area. Just pop along or ring and see what's on. You can take your baby along to the baby sessions and meet other mums.

Baby groups are more for the mums than the babies! They are life savers.

I also made sure I had something organised every day - even if it was a supermarket trip, weigh in clinic or some such. Anything to get out.

Have you got a sling? I found that it was a lot easier to take DS out in one as a couple of times he had crying fits in his pram and nothing could calm him down. He never had one in a sling.

In the day, make sure you're eating properly - have snacks regularly and keep drinking. I used to have really dark moments and looking back they were worse when I had forgotten my lunch.

Also do you have a routine? Again I found this saved my sanity as I could exercise some control and plan a bit. Also breaks the day up. Otherwise I'd find the whole day stretching out pretty daunting.

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Hi Kate - I could have written your post a few months ago. DH was scared at times to leave us as he was scared as I said I didn't love her. I was scared as well to be alone with her as I didn't know what to do with her. I also got prescribed anti-depressents but they didn't agree with me and I started talking to friends and family about how down I was and they really helped. I also started going for a walk every day - even when I was in floods of tears it still helped to get out.

What also helped was as I'd had a fairly traumatic birth experience i went back to the hospital to talk to a midwife about it - (i'd had an emergency c-section after being induced for pre-ecamplsia.) I noticed you said you'd had a c-section - it is a traumatic thing to go through - major surgery and then you have to get up and look after a demanding little baby as well!

DD is now 9 months old and we're starting to get more sleep which really helps. As she develops a little personality you can really bond with them as well - it does get easier when you giggle at them and they smile and giggle back.

Kate, you're NOT a crap mum. I wish I'd been MN more often when DS was this age, and known my feelings of not coping and not bonding were "normal" and didn't make me a horrible person. Because at some point when DS was a few weeks old, I fluctuated between overwhelming love for him and bursting into tears because I was so tired, and felt so trapped and not coping. I would even wonder if I loved him. This was an unplanned pregnancy too.

Eventually talked with my HV and was quite honest with her, even though I was scared she would think I was a horrible person and refer me to the social services for saying these things! She was very nice to me. They're used to tired and hormonal mums of newborns turning up like this.

DS is 2 now, and I love him to bits. We're fine.

The advice about getting out and about is true.

hmm, i could have written your post word for word.

First few weeks were fine i spose, but i stopped going out with my DS when he was 6 weeks old. I have not left the house with him since with out my DH. My DS is now 3 years old. I hated him, i resented him, i wished id never had him, i wanted to delete him and any memory of him from my life and from anyone elses life. I couldnt understand why anyone would want to spend time with him, it honestly made no sense to me. I, like you took care of all his needs and wants, i played with him, sang to him, dressed and changed and fed him. He was taken care of perfectly in every way. I also shouted alot. I still do actually i think its the only release from all this negative energy built up inside of me.

You're braver than i was though, i didnt speak to anyone about it. The effects were crippling and they still are. I didnt seek help until my DD 6 week check. My DS was nearly 16 months old by then. I feel so sad when i look at his baby pictures, i honestly dont remeber him at all, i was so consumed with these vile feelings that nothing else featured. I dont feel those feelings anymore, i love my boy, and he is such a mommys boy too but i still suffer from the effects of prolonged and extreme pnd. i still cant leave the house with my children, unless my DH is with me. Its bought on a social phobia i never knew existed, i now have OCD too.

Please seek help, you may need to push for it, the drugs do seem to be the first port of call, actually the only help i recieved was drugs as i couldnt face anything else. Please dont end up like me, its not a nice way to live, please seek help, It may seem like a mountain to climb now, but it wont get easier the longer you leave it (as i believed) it will just get harder to fight, and the effects will last longer, please get help.