I'm a crap mum, please help :(

[Katerpillar]

I've never really mentioned anything about this to anyone other than my partner as I'm too ashamed of how I've been feeling and behaving. I've got a 4 month old son and basically I am a crap excuse for a mother.

I deal with his physical needs perfectly, of course; he is well fed and looked after etc, and is developing very well. It's just him as a person I can't quite manage if that makes sense. It's horrible sounding but I feel like my partner and I made a huge mistake having him. It is awful to say I know, especially with all the people out there who can't have children but that's how I feel. I've felt this way since I was pregnant and it sounds terrible but I really don't know why I went through with the pregnancy :(

The main problem is that I absolutely cannot bear to be alone with him. My partner is a wonderful support and is a fantastic dad. He is currently only working part time so he can help look after our son. But I dread when he does have to work. I am awake all night, I panic and I even cry at the prospect of being alone with my own son. How pathetic is that? As you may be able to tell by this frenzied post being written at 5.30am, he is working tomorrow...

It just seems that our son is all giggling and smiling for my partner and for all our family and friends but whenever I am alone with him, all he seems to do is scream and cry endlessly. Its not like I ignore him or just leave him either. I try and do all the things my partner does with him that make him smile and laugh but he just doesn't seem interested. I feel drained after about 15 minutes of hopelessly trying to entertain him, and then the crying starts. He literally screams for no reason for ages. And this only seems to be with me. I try cuddling him, carrying him around, playing with his toys with him, giving him some water, leaving him alone, and nothing works. Basically i think he has picked up on the fact I don't want to be with him and he just hates me :( Not that I can blame him as on a couple of occasions I have really lost my temper and ended up shouting at him. I felt so terrible straight away that I just cried. Even more disgustingly I sometimes momentarily even feel like I want to hit him. Of course I NEVER EVER would but the fleeting feeling is horrible enough.

I just don't know what to do. My partner is actually almost afraid to go to work as a couple of times I have phoned him up screaming hysterically down the phone that if he doesn't come home right now I'm going to end up taking our son to a safe place like a hospital and just leaving him there :( I don't think my partner trusts me at all and who can blame him?

In the beginning, for the first couple of weeks I was actually very happy. I felt like I had bonded perfectly with my son which was a lovely surprise after the negative feelings I'd had whilst pregnant. I barely would let anyone else get a look in as I just wanted him in my arms all the time. I have no idea what changed, especially as things were technically a lot harder with a demanding newborn who is awake most of the night etc. (He now sleeps about 10 hours at night atm so am very lucky!) Then suddenly I was terrified of even a moment alone with him.

The first thing I did was talk to my partner. He tried putting my mind at rest by telling me it would pass and assuring me I was doing a great job. But I knew deep down that things were getting worse, not better so I went to see the doctor. I'd suffered with depression prior to my pregnancy and had been made aware during the pregnancy of my risk of postnatal depression. Surprisingly, the doctor said pretty much the same thing as my partner but dosed me up on a few antidepressants. I couldn't believe how little help I was offered. He told me to talk to my health visitor but there was no way I was going to do that as she was a patronising bitch who i felt had taken a dislike to my partner and I.

I used to cope with my partner being at work by getting his mum or sister to come over while I was alone with our son. They are incredibly loving and supportive and absolutely dote on our son. I pretended the reason I needed them there was because I was recovering from the caesarean section and needed a bit of extra help. Of course I couldn't keep that up for long and I started to feel guilty for imposing on their lives. I didn't want them to feel like I'm just lazy or can't be bothered to look after my child because it really isn't that. I entered into motherhood with no illusions. In fact it is better than I expected in some ways; our son sleeps through the night, I get to go out with my friends once a week while my partner babysits and I do the same for him. All i want is to feel like I can love my son. :(

Please has anybody got any advice on how I can stop panicking and be able to bear or even start to enjoy spending time alone with my son? My partner doesn't understand how I feel, I don't know any other mums, I don't get on with my own mother and I am too ashamed to tell any of my friends.

I appreciate this probably makes no sense as it is now almost 6am and I have not yet been to sleep. Sorry for rambling.

Hope you are getting some sleep Katerpillar. You've had some great advice on here, it's a lot to take in.

Small steps.

Go and see the GP.
Ask to see a different HV.
Chat to your family.
Go for a walk.

Keep talking, that's the main thing. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. You are not a crap mum.

Hi,
Thanks again for all your advice everyone! It's especially helpful to hear from people who have been through similar experiences and come out the other side! Also some of the information links were very useful too in letting me know what help is actually out there.

I guess really you've all made it clear that there isn't anything wrong with asking for a bit of help. My partner has always been so independent and stubborn that I've felt a bit silly not being able to cope before. After all parenting should be the most natural thing in the world...

Thanks again everyone.

Most natural and most difficult! And undervalued, which doesn't help.

Hope you get some help soon.

So true nickytwotimes.

Katerpillar - I was an independent single woman before pregnancy. Along comes DS and a heap of hormones and I turned into a clingy, crying, insecure, irritable thing who used to beg his dad to stay round for a bit longer, as I couldn't cope being alone for an evening . This is the woman who used to love having nights in alone! Nothing prepares you.... Hope things get better for you.

seaturtle that was me exactly! Its terrifying isnt it?

katerpillar hope you have seem by these posts your feelings are normal and that there is help out there.

xx

Agree with all the other posters. You are not crap - you are getting used to the hardest time of your life and big responsibility. This will pass but in the meantime you must get some help. Please see your GP because this may be PND. You are, probably without realising it at present, a wonderful mummy and things will get right. You have taken a big big and really important step in acknowleding the problem so actually you are fantastic because now you can start to get it sorted out. Please post again and let everyone know how things are going. I expect in six weeks time you will be feeling so much better. Good luck and much love at the hardest time any new mum can have. xx

I strongly feel that PNd is often due to a chemical imbalance in the brain (probably those bloody hormones again) and hat often, actually, taking medication is the fastest way to help you get better, as opposed to depression that happens in reaction to an unpleasant situation and that can be resolved either with time, or by talking, or by changing the situation.

Although docs are often keen to give antidepressants for PND, it is because they work! Obviously, people can choose not to take them for many reasons, but I wouldn't atuomatically say 'I don't want medication' before you see your GP and talk to them about it.

I had depression and struggled on for ages (trying to talk it out, going for walks, healthy eating etc etc) before finally taking the pills, and wished I had taken them 6 months previously, when the doc had first mentioned them. I felt much better within 4 weeks and took them for 9 months and have been fine since.

you're not crap and honestly, most mums have felt the same way at some point!

Oh, gosh, yes, ask for help. Babies are just overwhelming, and it's like being landed with a new FT job for which you are totally responsible for the most precious thing in the world with no training, no manual, and no pay rise! You'd ask for help in that circumstance, wouldn't you?

See another GP and get properly checked for PND. AD's aren't the be=all and end-all, but they do allow you to get your thinking a bit clearer while you get better and work through it. And post here - you'll always get a sympathetic hearing.

Thanks for more kind words all.
I'm hopefully getting a doctors appointment tomorrow so... wish me luck!

I think there's no question that i need to see the doctor again; Saturday with my son was a complete nightmare. I ended up calling my partner at work in hysterics once again begging him to come home. He got his mum to come and take our boy instead which was a relief but I also felt extremely guilty. She was due to have him overnight anyway so I got a night off to unwind with a friend which was great but slightly spoiled by the thought of me being a dreadful irresponsible parent niggling away at the back of my mind...

Anyway rambling again All I wanted to say was thank you all so much.

The very fact you're showing concern is the clearest indicator you could want that says you're not a bad parent.

Parenting doesn't come with its own step-by-step rules, we make mistakes (I put nappies on the wrong way round on my eldest son for about 3 months before my wife pointed it out) but we learn from them and move on (I am now an expert with nappies...kind of). Maybe your problems with 'bonding' is your mistake, and if so then congratulations, you've recognised it (unlike I recognised the nappy incident).

Take things slow and just take each day as it comes. Unconditional love for your son is what will make you pull through.

Same advice as everyone really.

While I didn't suffer the way you are, I can say that's it only in the last 2 weeks that I've fallen in love with my DD and she's 7 months. Just kinda crept up on me. Now I can't sleep unless she's in bed with me. Hope that's some consolation

All the best Kate - hope they are a help.

You poor love. I had a very similar experience when my twins were born. I used to get so utterly wound up about looking after them by myself and it felt as if things would never change. Some mornings things seemed so utterly black and terrifying and I remember crying at my husbad not to leave me.

Do you like things to be quite organised and in control? I think I found that particulary difficult that I couldn't control the situation of having newborns.

My doc diagnosed mild PND (as he thought a lot of it was utter exhaustion). I too was terified of going anywhere where the babies might scream and everyone would look at me. So I used to wrap them up, load them in the pram and walk for hours. The endorphins from the exercise made such a difference, the fresh air really helped and the babies slept! I'd get back feed and change them and load them up again! It was free and it was under my control and the babies loved looking out of the pram at cars and people and trees. Everytime I panicked I walked and I told myself that I could keep on doing this every day until I was ready to be at home. And eventually they got a little bigger and they could roll over/sit up/hold toys and I felt I could claw back a little bit of me time and things were a little bit more under control.

And toddler/baby groups helped too. I'd tread carefully away from competitive parenting - if you're feeling pretty low and you get caught up in a conversation about how everyone is just so utterly fulfilled being a parent (which is nonsense anyway, everyone has at least a bad day now and then!) you could feel worse. But I think you'll also see a lot of other knackered and nervous women who are worried that their baby will cry and they won't know what to do - and that will probably help too!

Loads of luck, things will get easier - I think to conclude this ramble that you need to base the day around you more and your son will happily fit in as long as he is fed and warm, which obviously he is! Staying at home with a small baby drives me mad - is there anything you can do on foot locally that you enjoy? He obviously likes people and stimulation - is there an art gallery or shopping centre you can push him around - and then get a coffee while he dozes?

Good Luck. Let us know what the doc says.

Just wanted to agree with everyone else- you are NOT a crap mum, you are a normal person having a tough time.

Katerpillar, I'm only about a half hour from you (near Bournemouth) so if you feel like a real life chat let me know! DD is 8wks so a little behind you. I don't have a car every day but have access, or tis about 20 mins on train.

I think a lovely GP helps enormously - if yours isn't great, can you get an appointment with a different doctor at the same surgery? I tried out a fair few of the doctors at my surgery before finding one I really liked and could be honest with.

All the best Katerpillar. Babies are unbelievably hard work. You'll come through it though, with help and understanding.

Just wanted to say your NOT a crap mum . Everyone has really said everything but surestart and the health visitor were my lifeline and I now have two DS whom I wouldn't be without.

Keep talking and accept all the help you can through this tough time.

It took about six months for me to have the lightbulb moment and think god I love this kid rather than just looking after her. Be realistic you dont fall in love with everyone youve just met,you have to get used to each other.Agree with everyone else ,try to get out everyday,join groups,youll find other people in the same boat.All the best x