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Parenting

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Original poster

Feel like a single parent - need a break

41 replies

ErinH · 08/10/2010 16:29

Having arguments with DH about giving me a break from the boys (DS1 2yrs8mths, DS2 13mths, 15weeks pregnant) for a few hours a week. He works pretty hard and always seems to be in work on his days off or doing extra bits at the weekend. Problem is, when he is around, he's too tired to play with them, he sits on his laptop and supervises them but doesn't interact. That means I never get a break.
DH is not good in the mornings, so if the boys get up early or during the night, that's my watch and he doesn't get home from work until they're both asleep, at which point I start cooking our dinner. I'm pretty tired at the moment (morning sickness just subsided though, hurrah!) and feel like I need a break from the routine. I've begged for a few days away, but he says we can't afford it, and that causes more arguments, so it's back to the same thing 24/7. I don't work (am lucky in that respect) but have a house and dog to look after too.
My question is, how do I get DH to organise his time so that he wants to take the boys out? He says he doesn't know what to do with them (and I feel pretty anxious leaving them with him as he's not practiced at it). How do I get time to myself and get him to spend time with his sons?
Does anyone else raise their children alone even though they're married?

OP posts:

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PutTheKettleOn · 08/10/2010 16:49

OMG and you're having a third?!

Sorry to be blunt but he needs to pull his weight a bit more. 'Not good' in the mornings doesn't cut it IMO, noone is good at 6am, even less when they wake you up at 3am! It doesn't take much to drag yourself out of bed and sit on the sofa watching Milkshake with them for a couple of hours on a weekend so you can have a lie-in.

He doesn't know what to do with them? They are his sons!! Can't he take them to the playground/soft play/swimming/a museum? All little kids love kicking a ball around with their daddies. I think you need to get him to take them out of the house and away from the dreaded laptop. You also need to be less anxious about leaving him alone with them - the more he does it the more he and they will get used to it.

Perhaps he could take the older one out to the cinema or something for some quality time with him to give you a break?

I have a 2.5 yo and a 4mo, and DH is always taking the older one out and about at the weekends to give me a break. We also have a rule that I cook in the week and he cooks at weekends, it works for us.

Hope that helps a bit, I know how you feel as on weekdays DH is out of the house 7-7, it's tough on your own!

DinahRod · 08/10/2010 17:05

That's a cop out. He doesn't sound as if he wants to spend time with them. Don't give him the option...tell him Sat morning he and the boys are going out to the park and get him to pick up some shopping on the way back. He'll manage. You sleep.

minipie · 08/10/2010 17:08

What happens if you go out and leave them with him? (I know, I know, how can you tell if you're not there... ) But do you think that if you were not there he might HAVE to interact with them more, because they wouldn't have the option of coming to bother play with you instead?

If so, maybe go out of the house yourself more... for 45 mins at first, then a couple of hours, etc. You need to let DH learn to take care of them, he won't be as good at it as you are at the start but he will get better.

If he says he doesn't know what to do with them... tell him what YOU do with them, he can do the same things. It might just be talking to them and making silly faces, it might be reading to them, whatever they like.

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Original poster

ErinH · 08/10/2010 17:12

thanks. It does help with the motivation when you know others battle through. i honestly try to be positive and not moan as i know i need to just get on with it, but sometimes things get a little strained. Think i'll make a list of all the places we go and things we do for him to look at for ideas.

OP posts:

Original poster

ErinH · 08/10/2010 17:18

I've seen his idea of looking after them. he firefights, but doesn't instigate play or show them what to do. he sits on the internet and then just clears up the mess after them or goes towards the cries and screams. Better if he's away from the laptop.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 08/10/2010 17:18

My dh worked 120 hours a week when my boys were little. He took my 20 month old out every sunday from 10.00 till 4 pm when I was suffering with hyperemesis when expecting ds2.

Sorry, but your dh has no excuse IMO.

Is he going to avoid helping when the baby comes???

for you.

potplant · 08/10/2010 17:21

How do I get time to myself and get him to 'spend time with his sons?'

Go out and leave him to it.

I also wouldn't make dinner every night either. Eat with the DCs and leave him a plate to heat up.

minipie · 08/10/2010 17:23

Does he know that you think that is not good enough and that he ought to be interacting?
Have you explained why small children need lots of interaction - it develops their vocabulary, they learn from adults, etc. Basically get him to see himself as being responsible for their development as opposed to just keeping them alive!

if he says "oh well you do all that" then the response must be "yeah but I'm knackered and I want a go on the laptop for once!!"

potplant · 08/10/2010 17:23

'I've seen his idea of looking after them. he firefights, but doesn't instigate play or show them what to do. he sits on the internet and then just clears up the mess after them or goes towards the cries and screams. Better if he's away from the laptop'

So you can't leave them with him because he doesn't look after them 'your way'. He's taking the piss and your letting him.

Original poster

ErinH · 08/10/2010 17:23

good to see some feisty women out there. lost my fight a bit, by the looks of it. thought I was being rebellious making him iron his shirts last week!!

OP posts:

potplant · 08/10/2010 17:24

Oh and when you do go out take the laptop charger with you.

LadyBiscuit · 08/10/2010 17:24

Do you know what Erin - you need to send him out with them and not oversee how he looks after them when he's at home. He's not practiced but then he won't be because you step in. He knows that if he's useless that's what happens.

You take it in turns weekend mornings so that you both get a lie in. Get him to take them out every saturday (or sunday - his choice) until midday and then you all have lunch together. You need a break (and I say that as a single parent!)

scrappydappydoo · 08/10/2010 17:25

I sometimes feel like this - its difficult isn't it?
Could you try being a bit more proactive about sorting some time out for yourself e.g 'I AM going out today therefore you need to be around for the kids bye'
I don't know if they have such a good offer on at the moment but travelodges can be booked £9 a night - could you try and book one of those for a couple of nights to get so me peace? Surely £20 wouldn't break the bank?

3littlefrogs · 08/10/2010 17:29

Dh had absolutely no experience of small children.

However, he took ds1 to the park, for bus rides, train rides, to garden centres, museums, anywhere that was free that he could walk him around. We had no family to help, I was really ill, he just had to get on with it.

Actually, his relationship with ds1 really blossomed during those months.

GypsyMoth · 08/10/2010 17:29

whats he doing on the laptop??

could it be that there is alot of stress at work and he's attempting to work from home to catch up?? etc

what you describe is nothing like being a single parent by the way...

Original poster

ErinH · 08/10/2010 18:46

no, he can't access work from home. usually emails etc. but often work related. he's not good at managing his time, so that's part of the problem - bit infuriating.

and you're quite right. have certainly come to realise that there's more to single parenting than looking after the children alone. silly flippant remark. sorry.

OP posts:

vbusymum1 · 08/10/2010 18:54

People who say "make him take them out" and similar suggestions don't realise that isn't always a realistic possibility.

I have 4 DCs that I parent alone (not a single parent but the only one who actually parents iykwim) and my DH would never be able to think of and organise an activity for them. He might at a push take them in the car to do something he wants to do e.g. visit a car showroom but its just not worth it as I have to deal with 4 bored and grumpy DCs when they get back.

I don't have an answer for you Erin but I do sympathise.

LadyBiscuit · 08/10/2010 19:33

vbusymum - sorry but why did you have 4 children with a man that doesn't parent? And why don't you just tell him to sort it out?

If he's useless and pathetic then you are absolutely allowing him to be.

I apologise if that sounds harsh but I really just don't understand why you let these men get away with it. Or is it that they pay for stuff and gave you the babies you wanted so you're prepared to put up and shut up?

quietlysuggests · 08/10/2010 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 08/10/2010 19:49

Why do you have children with these sort of men - I appreciate you might not realise before you have your first but you go on and have more with them??? Why why why????

I often wonder if some women want children more than the men do and they just go along for 'an easy life' rather than being honest and saying 'I do not want anymore children'.

My DH was much keener to have a child than I was - we had one - he works hard but he ALWAYS pulls his weight as a dad, takes DS out to sports/camping etc etc.

(Sorry - am repeating what Ladybiscuit has said).

What made you decide to have a third child with this man?

Ragwort · 08/10/2010 19:51

And sorry, I know this sounds harsh, but do you ever discuss with your DH what would happen if you drop dead? My DH and I are very clear about what would happen if one of us dies and how we would cope with bringing up DS alone.

PutTheKettleOn · 08/10/2010 20:04

"my DH would never be able to think of and organise an activity for them."

Is he a complete moron? Does he actually live in the same house as his children? It's not rocket science, small children like places where they can play, like, errr, playgrounds? Soft play? Parks? Swimming pools?

Don't mean to be harsh or judgey but I really don't get why some women martyr themselves and treat their husbands like they are imbeciles - "ooh, he'd just mix the colours with the whites if I let him do the washing, best if I do it.." etc etc, They are taking you for a ride!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/10/2010 20:18

DH can be a little absorbed with his work (he has his own business so it can come home with him), however I just ask him to do something. Mostly a choice, so... can you either feed DD some dinner or sort out the washing. I know he won't do the washing so I get to sit upstairs with the radio on pairing socks

I've started knitting too and have told DH that I'll be going to a knitting circle once a month. Not told in a nasty way but in a matter of fact, this is what I'm doing way. He gets to go out occasionally so I plan to too.

I think you'll probably just need to ask him to take maybe just the older DC to start with to something like soft play, the park or PIL. Could your DH help the oldest one ride their bike or something that needs to be a bit more hands on?

lostinafrica · 08/10/2010 20:26

Hi Erin and vbusy, I have 4 children and a DH like yours - works all day and half the night and then wonders why I can't wake him up in the morning. Can't separate him from his laptop or mobile and children's screams attract his attention but he doesn't sit and play with them. But before children, he said he'd always wanted to be a father. Think he had a rather old-fashioned image in his mind... At the time, I thought he'd be a more natural parent than I would - but fortunately I've learnt on the job!

Giving him advice would NEVER work in my situation: any hint that I think he could improve in some way gets a defensive and stubborn response. He doesn't want to learn from me.

For a while when we just had two, I went to a friend's house on Friday night after the kids were in bed (or just before bedtime), went to bed early and enjoyed an uninterrupted night and my only chance of a lie-in. I did worry about unheard cries in the night (but in fact they just climbed into bed with Daddy) and I did return to a chaotic house at midday the next day, but always refreshed from a little break.

This morning, I went shopping for half an hour, leaving the kids at home. They played by themselves, DH got on with what he was doing, and I had half an hour in which my mind could wander where it chose and I was my own person.

Maybe you could do something similar?

lostinafrica · 08/10/2010 20:35

I do agree that the more practice he gets, the better he'll be, and I think it's better that you're not around.

To begin with, go out in the evening occasionally - or regularly - no work for him to do then, but you'll not be "on call."

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