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Parenting

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Original poster

Feel like a single parent - need a break

41 replies

ErinH · 08/10/2010 16:29

Having arguments with DH about giving me a break from the boys (DS1 2yrs8mths, DS2 13mths, 15weeks pregnant) for a few hours a week. He works pretty hard and always seems to be in work on his days off or doing extra bits at the weekend. Problem is, when he is around, he's too tired to play with them, he sits on his laptop and supervises them but doesn't interact. That means I never get a break.
DH is not good in the mornings, so if the boys get up early or during the night, that's my watch and he doesn't get home from work until they're both asleep, at which point I start cooking our dinner. I'm pretty tired at the moment (morning sickness just subsided though, hurrah!) and feel like I need a break from the routine. I've begged for a few days away, but he says we can't afford it, and that causes more arguments, so it's back to the same thing 24/7. I don't work (am lucky in that respect) but have a house and dog to look after too.
My question is, how do I get DH to organise his time so that he wants to take the boys out? He says he doesn't know what to do with them (and I feel pretty anxious leaving them with him as he's not practiced at it). How do I get time to myself and get him to spend time with his sons?
Does anyone else raise their children alone even though they're married?

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lostinafrica · 08/10/2010 20:41

Sorry, that was entirely incoherent. I mean, leave him alone to try out a bit of parenting (away from the laptop) - what's the worst that can happen? And the best that can happen is that he gradually gets more confident/useful. That's certainly been my experience.

IMoveTheStars · 08/10/2010 20:47

He is TAKING THE PISS.

Tomorrow morning tell him (not ask him) that you are going shopping (maternity clothes/food shopping/doesn't matter) and say you'll be back after lunch. Make sure your boys have a good breakfast and don't leave him anything. No instructions, no laid out food for the DC's.

Let him see how hard you work.

I am very fortunate in that I have a DP who actually pulls his weight. He works more than 60 hours a week and is on call every other weekend. He still finds an afternoon at the weekend to play with his son.

Oh.. and stop doing everything for him!!

vbusymum1 · 08/10/2010 21:21

I was posting in support of Erin, not complaining and not asking for advice

I'm happy with my lot, my Dh works away a lot, I have some p/t work but my main job at the moment is looking after an active family and its one that I enjoy.

My point was only that its not always as easy as some people imagine.

Believe me I certainly don't run around after him and I have a great cirle of friends that I see regularly.

Erin and lostinafrica - we are kindred spirits

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AlwaysTheMummy · 09/10/2010 09:08

I had a husband who didn't pull his weight, I always had to ask him to do things and would never think of taking the kids out of his own accord.

Needless to say he is now my ex husband!!

Original poster

ErinH · 09/10/2010 10:18

Ok. Good start to the morning. DH got up with the first DS and took him downstairs for his milk. DH bought me a cup of tea in bed and when DS2 got up I sent him downstairs to get his milk from daddy. Perfect, I thought. Grab last Saturday's paper and watch the BBC news (not cbeebies!!). After 30mins I had to get up as I heard frantic noises, screams, cries, upset from downstairs and couldn't bear it. Found DH in his dressing gown on his laptop watching the commonwealth games with the boys running riot; living room a mess, playroom spilling out, boys annoyed with each other.
I asked him to put his laptop down and play with the boys instead and told him that he'd have time later to search for cheaper gas and elec on the internet. Argument starts, he can't do anything right, always telling him what to do, he's had enough etc.
I'm not a nag and hardly complain. the only thing i mention is him not playing with the boys.
How do I get him to ditch the laptop and play with the boys without causing a row?

OP posts:

mamasunshine · 09/10/2010 10:32

Get dressed and washed and go out now!! Seriously, your dc's WILL survive the day. Go into town, grab a coffee, do a bit of shopping/go for a swim...anything but please just leave him to it for today!

lostinafrica · 09/10/2010 12:26

SOOOO like my DH!! Won't take any advice from you.

Hey ho. In your situation, I think I'd play with the boys and give them the best day I could and then go out with a friend this evening and forget about being a mother for a couple of hours.

He's the one missing out...

And next time you feel strong enough to try it (!), go out during the day. Afternoon so that you're not back till you know they're asleep! :)

(No, don't - I've tried it and it just means putting them to bed at 9pm and facing a chaotic mess afterwards. )

3littlefrogs · 09/10/2010 12:54

There is no reason on this earth that he can't do his internet research after the boys are in bed.

He is just doing a classic abdication of responsibility stunt. I know because dh used to be a bit like that until I was too ill to look after ds1, and he HAD to help.

I think you will have to sit him down and talk to him when the boys are asleep, because this can't go on.

They are going to need his input more as they get older, not less.

I am so sorry you have to put up with this.

PutTheKettleOn · 09/10/2010 19:36

Hmm, I have found phrasing things a bit more diplomatically helps eg.. "It's up to you, but when I'm looking after the kids I find that if I'm on the computer they get a bit bored and start playing up." And praise him for things he has done right, like tell him how nice it was to have a lie in, or later on lie and tell him your older DS said how nice it was spending time with daddy this morning.

I think you might have to send him out to the park or something with them instead, so he has no choice but to interact with them! And hide the bloody laptop while he's out!

kmac80 · 21/10/2010 01:51

Hmmm.. I say no to pussyfooting around this man. Playing on his laptop sounds pretty childish to me. Perhaps find out what he is really doing on there.
Did he even want kids?

My partner had no experience at all with kids but like anything in life you jump on in and learn!

spidookly · 21/10/2010 07:26

What's wrong with letting your children play by themselves while you use a computer in the same room?

He sounds like a right knob, but it isn't necessary to play with children all the time. If he firefights then just let him do that.

piscesmoon · 21/10/2010 07:39

I would just announce that you are going shopping and that you will be gone 2 hours and go. Have a calendar and put down things that you want to do and go out in the evening. He isn't 'babysitting'-they are his own DCs.
Use grandparents-take the DCs to stay. If you haven't got them or are not near etc then find babysitters and go out together. I didn't have any, so I advertised in the newspaper-anyone can do it- if they want to. If you don't want to pay then join a babysitting circle. Go to an activity in the daytime with a creche. Use friends to look after for a couple of hours and do the same in return. There are lots of possibilities. You have to accept that you can't tell him how to look after them-you shut the door as you leave and leave him to get on with it.If they scream for very long he will come off the laptop. He can be lazy because he knows that you will step in.

Lizzzombie · 21/10/2010 07:48

Your situation is definately not fair on you.
Plus, if it continues you are going to start to resent it/him/the children more. Or have some sort of emotional breakdown! Everyone needs some time on their own.

Even if you have no money to go away somewhere, is there a friend you could visit who doesn't have children?

I have a 3 yo DS and am 35 wks pregnant, DP leaves home at 6.30am and gets back at 8.30pm so DS doesn't really see him during the week, but since he was 6 months I've worked weekends, so DP has had to spend with him. They both really enjoy it and Saturdays are known as 'Daddy Days'. Even if half the day they are on the sofa watching dvds or playing on the wii, at least they are spending time together.
I recently realised that I needed some time out to myself before the new baby arrived, as i'd only had 1 night off in 2 years or something, so I went and stayed in London with a uni mate and spent the day shopping/lunching etc. It totally refreshed my batteries. I think its important you don't loose sight of yourself. Especially as you know the next year is going to be baby orientated.

Good luck x

bendybanana · 21/10/2010 12:31

Have a lie in this weekend and hide the lap top!

bendybanana · 21/10/2010 12:34

on second thoughts maybe he needs to understand how much work is involved - so can you arrange aweekend away without the family?

Orissiah · 22/10/2010 09:35

I think you need to get out and about by yourself and leave the kids with your DH. Even if he doesn't play with them and they play up, just leave them to it. Your DC won't be harmed and besides it's good for them to be able to play without parents joining in.

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