5 yo Invited to new friends house, don't know parent at all

[HughRinal]

Just 5 yo is making new friends in Reception, really pleased.
A mum I don't know asked if he could come and play. He talks about the boy a lot and of course I want to let him go but don't know her at all. None of my other friends know her. What's the protocol here, sorry if it's been done to death!
Can anyone advise? Thank you

Totally agree MooMoofarm, don'feel the need to know someone really well, but do want to a little bit. There's no way i would let my ds go if not. Don't think its that difficult for new people, if they want their child to mix then be prepared to mix a little bit too. Think asking to spend a bit of time with someone before they look after my child is not too much to ask. And that is what they're doing when ur child goes on playdate.
It is different when child is a bit older, maybe at the age you would let them play out by themselves 7/8/9? but at 4 or 5 you need to know eg if they're going to have vastly different parenting styles. Usually it works best if similar minded, eg in how much freedom kids are allowed, playing out etc

When DD first started school at four and a half it was accepted practice that mum accompanied the child on a first playdate, and sometimes subsequent ones. In my case the invitation always included the inviting me for a cuppa and I did the same. Perhaps we are just more friendly and sociable round here. I am not from the area and it was a great way of making friends. In fact one of the mums at school is now my best friend.

10 minutes, or 2 cups of coffee with someone you've never met before is never going to tell you anything about them other than whether they can make small talk and make a decent cuppa.

You come to my house with your children and my children will be allowed to "get away" with more stuff than if it was just them at home (and they know it too ).

And another point (separate from above). most of my DS's friends have older/younger siblings. I don't do "double" play dates (ie DS1 isn't allowed a friend over when DS2 has a friend over).So the last thing I'd want is potentially 2,3 or even 4+ extra people in my house when I'd only invited one!

If I want to mix with new people I will make arrangements to mix with people (preferably within school hours so it can be child free ).

OP - is your son happy go to this boy's house without you? If so, I would let him go. You say you don't 'know' the mum....but like others have said, even if you go with him and stay for coffee, you won't know that she's mad or a convicted paedophile! Sorry playing devil's advocate a bit here but really....I do wonder what parents think might actually happen to their child during a couple of hours' play at someones house.

I think we all need to be a bit more chilled about this sort of thing and realise we are all in the same boat - i.e we are all mums with children at school.

Oh for crying out loud - you child is going to play and eat beans on toast for about two hours - you're not leaving them there for a fortnight!

If the person has got something to hide they will make quite sure they hide it!!
I thought I was very precious and over protective-obviously not!

I am obviously totally precious and over protective because I still can't imagine leaving my child at another person's house (especially someone I don't know) without me being there. I'm not saying it's wrong, in fact I am very jealous of all of you who can do it. It's just I know my dd wouldn't be happy.

Perhaps it's something to do with all the things that have happened to us and all the different places we have moved and lived in. (I know someone will now come on and say "but we've moved 30 times in two years and my dc's are happy going to anyone's house on their own"). But I am not going to be made to feel like I am doing something wrong, it's just what works for us. And, incidentally, everyone else I know.

I have never stayed at a playdate. I have never had another mum ask to come when we've had a child over after school. I find the ones that are shy usually the mum/dad/carer prefers to have yours over first. So I will say, would x like to come over and the mum will say, oh would it be ok if your y came to us, x is a bit shy. Fine. You could maybe do this for the first time - then when she picks up you can have a chat and you will have got to see for yourself how they play together?

If your DD wouldn't be happy then of course you wouldn't do it! They are supposed to be doing it because they want to have fun.
However it is entirely different if they are very friendly, very confident and totally happy to go alone- but the mother has reservations because she hasn't seen a CRB, inspected the home and known the person for at least 2 years.
When we moved it was hard for my DS to make new friends and I supported him by inviting DCs round. It would have been very upsetting for the mothers to say 'I don't know you and the other playground mums don't know you-so the answer is no!' (or we have to vet you by having a cup of tea several times in your house to find out whether you are suitable.)

Ok I think there are two different things being debated here - those (like me) who don't leave their children because the children wouldn't be comfortable, and those who are not comfortable themselves.

I hadn't really thought about the latter but then I live in a place where there are no such things are CRB checks. People are also fairly casual about the safety of their children, eg hardly anyone uses car seats, they let 6-year-olds walk to school along busy roads etc. So I would want to know the mum first just to be sure they weren't going to let my child wonder off while they sat yacking on their cell phones!

Anyway I have a friend bringing her son over this afternoon, (she is also English) so I'd better give her the option to leave if she wants to

strandedstsea. You have hit the nail on the head. I never had any reservations about any of the houses she went to. I went with DD on early playdates because:
a) I was invited to and b) DD wouldn't have wanted to go without me.

I used to invite DD's friends' mums over for a coffee as well because I didn't know many people as I was new to the area.

Which country are you in BTW?

When DCs were little nobody stayed. A quick chat in the playground about what they like/do not like to eat and if they have allergies and that was it, bye bye dc have a nice time.

Bunbaker - I am in St Lucia. And local (eg non-expat) children here are usually pretty happy to be left at people's houses, I think they spend a lot of time with people other than their parents - eg grandparents, aunts etc. People think nothing of going off for weeks at a time on holiday or visits and leaving their children behind.

When DS was invited on first playdate with a child I didn't know, the mum did ask if I wanted to go. I said yes, as DS can be a bit funny with other people (particularly not wanting to ask to go to the loo!).

Next playdate, the mum basically told me to collect him at 6pm and ask if he would eat spag bol for tea. Didn't get a choice!

Do what you feel comfortable with. Don't worry about being neurotic at this stage. Also depends how close you live. Could you go and drop him off then if all seems OK just go back and collect him?

Hi strandedatsea

DD had never been left with anyone before other than preschool and school. We live hundreds of miles away from both families and are "incomers" into the village.