Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

5 yo Invited to new friends house, don't know parent at all

65 replies

HughRinal · 27/09/2010 18:43

Just 5 yo is making new friends in Reception, really pleased.
A mum I don't know asked if he could come and play. He talks about the boy a lot and of course I want to let him go but don't know her at all. None of my other friends know her. What's the protocol here, sorry if it's been done to death!
Can anyone advise? Thank you

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

seeker · 28/09/2010 12:10

Perish the thought that a child should go to a house with a dirty carpet!!!!!!

I had to go on "playdates" with my d because she was welded to my leg untl she was about 7. And very tedious it was too!

Rainbowbubbles · 28/09/2010 13:36

Seeker that's funny! I get that as mine gets welded to me at parties unless it's a ball park for some strange reason

MooMoo i have learnt a lot from my closest pal who had two kids - her girl also went to a cinema party, the mum crammed too many kids in the car with no seat belts and unfortunately slammed on the breaks and her DD smacked her head and shoulder - pretty nasty! There was another incident at a swimming pool.

I took DD to a party last weekend and saw a 5 year old just walk out of the place...no one noticed! I did go after her but that can happen when parents leave and there's only a few adults to supervise - i always stick around to help out and like Seeker my DD is welded to my leg.

I wouldn't under any circumstance allow my daughter to go somewhere when I didn't know the parents. Kids from her class are fine as I know the parents but otherwise nope sorry. I've learnt much from my experiences as a little girl and although i'm not over protective i'm certainly never going to take a risk with my children that's for sure!

piscesmoon · 28/09/2010 19:26

Good gracious! Ask to see their CRB form, inspect the house, have your list of questions for the mum!
Whatever happened to common sense and using your own judgement?
I made a lot of friends through my DCs and I met the parent through the DCs going to their house.
I moved to a new area when mine were at primary school, it was difficult to meet people at the start and it would have been very upsetting for my DS to ask a friend over to have his mother say 'No,I don't know you!'
My DCs liked to make their own friends.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

CoupleofKooks · 28/09/2010 19:32

not all 4 / 5 / 6 year olds will be happy to go home with an adult they've never met before
it doesn't mean the mum is 'mad' (rude post)

Portofino · 28/09/2010 19:34

These things just don't exist in my world! I HAVE invited the odd child over at the weekend. There was never any thought on the part of either parent that they would STAY! Same with parties. Even when dd was 4, they dropped off and scarpered.

I always did parties at home and for small numbers for this reason. And most of dd's friends parents have done the same, though there have been a few soft play ones. DD would be dead unimpressed if I hung around. I don't speak the same language so find it hardwork to make small talk.

piscesmoon · 28/09/2010 19:35

If the DC doesn't want to go then they shouldn't -but I though this was a case of the mother not wanting them to go because she hasn't vetted them.

CoupleofKooks · 28/09/2010 19:37

the poster who mentioned the mum being mad for wanting to come, didn't bear in mind some children may not be happy with the arrangement otherwise
it's just another excuse for making judgements on people who do things differently to you, isn't it?

piscesmoon · 28/09/2010 19:41

I think that there are two distinct things on here. If your DC is unsure of a strange house it is perfectly sensible to go with her but if your DC is confident, likes the DC and actively wants to go then the parent could make their own judgement-not worry about not knowing them.

usualsuspect · 28/09/2010 19:42

I never stayed with mine either ..certainly didn't care about dirty carpets .no one I know ever stayed with their kids..the child is being invited ,not the parent imo

strandedatsea · 28/09/2010 19:44

Wow I am astounded by all these mums saying they wouldn't dream of expecting parents to stay on a playdate! I am totally the opposite and nothing to do with not trusting the parents - I just think it's rude to dump your child on another mother who probably has enough to cope with and then run off.

My dd1 has just turned 5 and just started reception. It wouldn't even occur to me not to expect the parent to stay. And I wouldn't leave her either - but perhaps because she has always been quite shy and quiet.

FWIW I still remember being left overnight at a school mates house when I was somewhere around the age of 6? and being terrified. Mind you it was a Korean family with different ways of doing things to us - the dad walked around in his underpants (which is probably nothing to do with him being Korean!) and they fed me these wierd sour sweets.....And too me to see King Kong which gave me nightmares (maybe this has something to do with me not leaving dd1....hmmmmm).

muggglewump · 28/09/2010 19:46

No one round here stays, it would be considered odd.

piscesmoon · 28/09/2010 19:47

I would think it very rude if the parent stayed! In fact I would be horrified-at that time of day I have the playdate to amuse each other while I get on. I would be specific if I was asking the parent to stay.

usualsuspect · 28/09/2010 19:48

But then my kids never had flipping playdates..they just said can so and so come round ..and I never expected their parents to stay

piscesmoon · 28/09/2010 19:53

We didn't call them playdates when mine were young and the joy of it was that they went straight home from school with the friend and you didn't have to be there at the end of the school day!

cat64 · 28/09/2010 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MaMoTTaT · 28/09/2010 20:31

besides - I'm not sure how you would deem a parent "safe" to have your child there unaccompanied by you in teh future after just a couple of cups of coffee

Agree with Cat - if a parent doesn't want a nother child to come and play - they won't invite - simple as that.

If I want my friends to come over for coffee after school I invite them. (and they bring their children on the side). If I want my DS's friends to come over and play - I invite the friends - not the parents.

MaMoTTaT · 28/09/2010 20:33

agree with pisces though about it being different if your child is unsure about going, in those circumstances I would probably suggest that I go with them - at least to drop off.

However, as my children never give a second glance when I leave them anywhere I don't think that's likely to ever happen to me

Portofino · 28/09/2010 20:34

Quite Mamo!

babbi · 28/09/2010 20:54

I had a close shave with a parent . DD was very friendly with another child and I spoke on a daily basis with the mum who was lovely, I even gave her a lift often.
She has visited here twice with her DD and the girls had a great time . However when DD and her friend suggested going to their house instead, the mum said that it would only ever be on a last minute basis as she could never be sure how her husband would behave .
I must have looked taken aback as she explained that he could be prone to violent outbursts and that she never left her own child alone with him.
Needless to say my DD has never visited there.
Recently he has been subject of a news story relating to drugs charges .....

You would never have guessed any of this by the nice well presented mum in leafy suburbia... I am now very cautious of where DD goes.

piscesmoon · 28/09/2010 21:34

At least the mother warned you babbi-I would expect that anyone with that type of home background would do the same.

MaMoTTaT · 28/09/2010 21:47

yes very true pisces - you would expect them too - or perhaps just make up other excuses as to why your DC can't go over.

strandedatsea · 28/09/2010 21:47

Sorry - in reply, I think it's probably different if your child/ren is/are a little older and can quietly entertain each other while you do something else. And you didn't also have another, younger one. For me, having another child round just means an extra one whose demands I must feed, and as I also have a 2-year-old it's not like I can get on with much anyway!

Also I live in a place where if people drop their kids off with you you just never know when they are going to turn up for them. I have heard tales of parents leaving them until 10pm at night. And expecting you to feed them etc (without prior agreement).

Anyway this is an instructive thread as we are due to return home to the UK soon and my dd is reaching an age where presumably I can expect children to be left at my house without their parents. At least I will know to expect this!

MaMoTTaT · 28/09/2010 21:51

I have a younger one - (and an older one if we're talking about DS2's friends).

DS's have been going to their friends houses to play (sorry couldn't bare to use the "playdate" word) since they started school, actually I think DS2 went round to one friends house when he was still in nursery >

piscesmoon · 29/09/2010 07:56

I think that people are making unbelievable difficulties! When mine was 5 yrs a I had a younger one too-they just mucked in together and if the younger one was annoying them I removed him.
Most parents asked what time they should pick up and if not I made it quite clear to them.
You can use your own judgement, if I thought the parent was a bit feckless then I would have made excuses ,but I wouldn't have had to have the school gate gossip on whether they 'knew' the mother. No wonder people get upset about it if you have to pass some sort of collective OK! Trust your own judgement. A poor mother and child who come to the school new don't stand a chance if 'everyone' hasn't known them since birth!
If your DC likes the child, wants to go then I would find ways to be supportive. I can't see how 2 cups of coffee with the mother are going to give you a much clearer picture.

MooMooFarm · 29/09/2010 10:05

piscesmoon fair enough, 2 cups of coffee may not give you someone's life history, but it gives you enough of a chance to see the way they live to assume they are safe to look after your children (not to check they hoover behind the sofa but that they're not drug dealers with 3 angry rottweilers or something..).

And a ten minute chat with someone is usually enough to tell you (using your common sense, which is what it comes down to really), if someone seems ok or if you have a gut feeling that they're not - in which case you can suddenly remember a dentist's appointment!

I don't think anybody's suggesting asking for CRB forms, but surely hanging around for ten minutes or as long as you need to to feel happy to leave your child rather than just dumping them and doing a runner, is using common sense, isn't it?

If a mum I didnt' know at all was clearly put out by my wanting to hang around with my child for a bit I would find it very odd behaviour TBH.

Flip

1 2 3