My daughters need a new MUMMY.

[misstrunchbull]

We are a relatively - but not for the poncey bit of London I live in - affluent family and my two beautiful dds have a very enriched existence - all the usual chattering class accoutrements -
BUT I wish they had a different mummy. I am a very affectionate person, which is great - they get lots of kisses and cuddles, many many I love yous, lots of praise. But they must wonder whether they have two mummies, because I am also critical, controlling, cold, angry and mean to them. I have ludicrously exacting standards and am very harsh on them if they make mistakes. They are both - unsurprisingly, given their mother's treatment of them - hypersensitive, hyper self-critical, and given to massive emotional outbursts. I'm very, very sad, because I think their emotional stability and self-worth is way more important than a million extracurricular activities. I have a great dp, who works away a lot and who doesn't ever really see how bad it gets and tries to support me by saying I am a wonderful mother. But I fear I am really damaging them. And I try to control myself and I can see myself being like that, but I can't stop. Is any one else like this, and have they found a way to sort themselves out?

you sound as if you're being rather harsh on yourself tbh, never mind on anyone else
how old are they?

misstb
i am sure you are a good mum to your daughters but
has something undermined oyur confidence prior to having children?
have you got something on your mind that goes back to your youth that has unsettled you .

perhaps you need to speak with a professional be it oyur doctor initally, then a therapist of some sort,

if you think you are damaging them intelluctually then i would think you need to get advice professionally.

Yes I am.

As yet I haven't seen the negative attributes you have seen in your children, but my eldest son has a spectacular temper which he has copied exactly from me.

Do you know why you are critical, controlling, cold, angry and mean to them? I know where my failings come from (I didn't make the best of myself and don't want my children underachieving too, plus I am angry a lot because I am bored, frustrated, even scared).

I think if you could know why you are as you are, that would be the best way of changing yourself. What do you think of that?

Sorry to say that your post is very emotionally cold. You seem to be judging yourself extremely objectively - as if you are looking at yourself from the outside - does this make sense?

When you say you are a very affectionate person, does this seem more 'real' to you than your hyper critical self?

Are you absolutely sure you are not judging this too harshly? I mean I can be critical and mean sometimes when I am in a foul mood but I havent ever got to the point where I think my children need a different mummy.

How old are they?

you also seem dismissive of the area and class you live in.

I think you sound enormously insecure - am I right?

Hi I just wanted to say its obvious you care about your children alot and no-one can be a perfect mum all the time.Parenting is a learning experience but if you really are worried things you are doing are having a negative affect on your kids then maybe you could try a parenting class or maybe you could speak to your dr or a psycologist.They might be able to help you figure out why you react the way you do,my hubby had parenting issues and a psycologist helped alot.Did your parents have unrealistic standards for you? Your children dont need a new mum they just need the best from you,good luck I wish you the best

Thank you all for the posts! I can't belive how quickly you have all responded, thank you so so much. Lots of food for thought there. Enid, I suppose I sound emotionally cold because I have thought and thought about this so much and didn't want to post whilst I was feeling too emotional. I have nearly posted on this so many times, but I wanted to put it succinctly rather than rambling on. But I'm really not emotionally cold. I am just tired of being like this. Insecure, well, I don't really know what that means - I mean it's hard to know whether I am or not compared to anyone else. It's tempting (for me) to imagine everyone else going round with hugely high self-esteem,flat stomachs, amazing jobs, great sex lives etc,etc but you just need to read mumsnet to realise that that's not the case. I am a struggling artist - a dream job, theoretically, but in reality I work alone and have not had much financial success, although it is slowly picking up.But don't want to give it up, as it is my sanity. I feel guilty that my dp works so so hard to provide us with a certain standard of living, and that my job is effectively a dilettantish hobby, for all the good it does the family economically.
Lonelymum, I have read lots of your posts and I know you struggle with similar things, and I feel a bit of a fraud because I know you have - is it 4 or 3 kids and I only have two. I feel for you if you have the same symptoms as me because it is really horrible. I find it difficult to understand how I can love them so much - they are 6 and 4 - and yet be so vile to them.

sorry but you sound desperately insecure to me.

I think we need examples of where you are cold/mean to your children to see whether or not you are over analysing it - sorry.

Do you have any help with looking after the children? Many of us have moments of being impatient/short tempered, etc with our children when we're overstretched and exhausted.

I know where you are coming from Misstrunchbull.

Yes I have 4 children, but the number is immaterial really. I would have been the same with only two.

I think the fact that you are aware of your failings must mean that you are trying to fight against them and that is all any of us can do. There are plenty of bad parents out there who have none of your self awareness but just charge on regardless.

I think if you show your children affection and give them praise when you can, and you are not 100% the cold, critical mother you describe, you will be providing a more stable and secure childhood for your children than many.

You sound very intelligent and I think it is the burden of many intelligent people that they over analyse and expect too much in all their achievements than is maybe good for them. Hey, you know what? you are not alone!

Enid I don't know what to say, yes I am probably insecure but I don't know how admitting that will help? Sorry if being thick. I feel physically sick when thinking of examples. It's just a litany of putdowns. Earlybird, yes I do have help when I am working. Although I spend far too much of that time on mumsnet. We are relatively new to this area, so I don't have babysitters yet, if that's what you mean - but I will get on to it. Lonelymum thank you for saying I sound intelligent!But as they say, EQ is the new IQ and I would rather my kids were happy than geniuses. 4 kids beggars belief and I am very impressed. I am sorry you feel you have underacheived and I hope you will not feel like that for long.

MTB, they can't get a new mummy, nor do they want one. assuming that there is something in what you say, then you need to find a way to stop the behaviour you're talking about, and your posts seem to suggest that you want to.

as you seem aware, you behaviour towards them is nothing to do with them and everything to do with you, and you can change it if you want to badly enough. first though, i'm with enid in the sense that you need to recognise the anger, fear, insecurity whatever that makes you need to behave like this.

it's sounds totally obvious, but were you treated like this by one or both of your parents? you obviously behave in this way towards yourself and you'll have learned that from somewhere....

if you can stop being cold critical, and controlling of yourself, you'll stop doing it to them.

therapy is one way of trying to do that, but there are other ways and you could try to do it yourself...

i admire your bravery in posting in this way, and the others are probably right, you are v likely to be hard on yourself given how you describe you are with your dds, but that doesn't mean what you're saying isn't in part true...nor does it mean you shouldn't try to take action to stop it.

sophable, thank you. Of course I want to change, that's why I posted. Yes, I am aware that my own childhood experiences - too grim to go into here - are probably not helping. What are the other ways of changing? I can't read any more parenting/selfhelp books - I already have quite a habit - we can't afford therapy and I wouldn't get it on the NHS - 2 year waiting list for 6 sessions of CBT and no follow-up as non urgent.

what do you like doing with them? take a day away from the house and do it, with the proviso that nothing is to be measured or judged, just enjoyed
sounds like you need to relax around them so that channels of communication can open again
they are your daughters, for better or for worse, neither you nor they are perfect and it may be that traits which really wind you up in them are similar to traits of yours. ds has a nasty temper and I know where he gets it from but it doesn't mean he needs a new mum, in fact one who understands what this feels like is prob a good deal

Do you think there is a trigger - when you turn from affectionate, praising mummy to hard, cold, critical mummy? What is it that does it?

Sorry to bang on about you being insecure but your posts cry out to me of someone who had a shite childhood and is naturally warm and affectionate but has trouble being consistent because of it - almost as though you are punishing your children for having a loving childhood when you didnt - sorry if I am way out of line but thats what happens when you get advice from armchair therapists

oh Enid - I wish that were true. Looking for triggers is interesting - basically part of me sees myself as such a loser that if they exhibit any what I call "loser-ish" characteristics then I panic and get angry. I was brought up by psychoanalysts, one of whom was also a psychopath. You can imagine the consequences. I'm so self-aware! Of all my negative points! I'm particularly harsh on what I call "babyishness" which is of course just not being an adult. I reason that I don't want them to be a loser like me, that I want them to have better chances than me,and then I increase the likelihood of them being losers by making them insecure. I think I don't have realistic expectations of what a 6 and a 4 SHOULD be like. Because of course, what is loser-ish in an adult can simply be being normal a child.

Maybe living in a poncy bit of London and reading too many self-help/parenting books is part of the problem? Perhaps you can ditch the books and try and chill. You say your DP doesn't ever really see how bad it gets but he knows how your dds are turning out and it doesn't sound like he's too worried. Are you really that critical and mean to your DDs or are you just being critical and mean to yourself? Can you try and lower the standards you've set yourself as a mother and don't be so harsh on yourself when you make mistakes? My neices are hypersensitive and hyper self-critical, but it doesn't mean its because of their mother's treatment of them, its just the way they are (imo).

good post paulosgirl

btw my dd1 is hypersenstive and hyper self critical too, and has such massive emotional outbursts that dh think she is bonkers - and I, of course, am a perfect mother

sorry I meant pablopatito

personally and fwiw (next to nothing) i reckon some low cost counselling of a not too psychodynamic nature would really really help you MTB, but can perfectly understand if you never want to touch therapy with a barge pole. also fwiw, ime there are many many many 'psycho' therapists....

but a good one would i beleive really help you.

other ways, wellll, god i suppose, basically allowing the concept of 'grace' into your life (i'm not god squad, if you'll forgive the term, but admitting defeat and asking the help of a higher force if you believe in one can be extremely effective in terms of changing).

also, really really trying to go, say, half a day and positively encourage your dds to be 'babyish': do something particularly childlike and resolve not to react badly to sensitivity or tears or babyishness on their part.

also, deciding to spend a day being 'babyish' yourself....on your own, somewhere, crying alot and feeling sorry for yourself and being vulnerable....go and see a soppy film and sob your heart out, sounds like you need it.

also, do you have any nice non-poncy friends that you confide in this about that wouldn't fob you off with platitudes....

on the low cost therapy front feel free to CAT me if you like...

xxx

katierocket,
you're obviously of the nuture rather than nature school, but I don't think there's been any evidence that "99% of our behaviour as adults is 'learned behaviour'". I certainly don't agree its obvious.

Thanks all.I'm very moved. I can't believe this mumsnet thing. Pablopatito, absolutely. I should probably burn all the books and move out of ponceville. Sophable that's lovely. I like the concept of grace. I have no idea how to CAT but I appreciate the offer.are you a psych/o then? KR believe me I am more than familiar with the idea of history repeating itself. Now I feel embarrassed by all the attention and will crawl back under a rock. night all.