Newborn baby girl - completely overwhelmed..

[BabyAyla]

Hi,

Im sure you have heard this story before, however I'm really feeling as if I'm going insane and I can't deal with this anymore. My baby girl is 11 days old today and won't sleep much at night, she sleeps long during the days. At around 10pm she starts her hysterical crying sessions and seems to be constantly hungry. She wants to be held and fed the whole night through. I feel so alone, so stressed, anxious, sad, and sleep deprived. I feel like I'm not bonding with her and I feel as if I'm blaming her when she won't settle, in short I feel like a bad mother. During the day I feel as if I can't hold back the tears. I wonder if this will ever be better, will I ever feel happy again? I do get support from my hubby and mum who has stayed with us for the last 2 weeks. However their help is limited because I'm bf and she needs me, every time. Mum said I should let her cry and deny her the feed she wants, I think this is wrong and its causing more stress.

I don't know what to do anymore, I guess I don't have a choice I have to see this through until things get better, I hope they do.

Congratulations on your baby. It is overwhelming at first and I'm sure you;re doing a great job. I'd get comfy on the couch or bed and cuddle and feed as much as she wants. And then get DH or mum to take baby out in the pram for walks and get yourself off to bed for some sleep yourself!

No way would i allow an 11 day old to cry and certainly do not refuse her feeds. I'm sure your mum means well.....

Newborn take a while to get day and night sorted so they have crazy awake and sleep patterns.

You'll get tons of support on here - hope you feel better soon . Your hormones and lack of sleep will be making you feel a bit funny so try not to worry too much. Things do get better. Is your HV any good for a chat? DO you have any friends with babies you could chat too?

Hope you have a better day, you sound so down.

Oh poor you, you sound shattered . Things will get better, but I know sometimes it can just feel like a neverending tunnel.

It's not unusual for newborns to be demanding at night in the early days/weeks - are you able to take naps in the day when she is sleeping? That would make a huge difference to your exhaustion, I'm sure.

Please don't listen to your mums advice to leave her to cry/deny feeds - this would be counter productive - your daughter is building up your milk supply, this is done by regular feeding. Denying her feeds would leave her hungry, and negatively affect your milk supply. It would also be way too stressful for both her & you .

During night feeds try to keep everything low-light & quiet so that she starts to recognise the difference between night & day, and with a bit of luck she'll start being more wakeful in the day and having her longer sleeps at night soon enough.

I hope someone else can come along with some more advice / sympathy soon.

You're doing a great job

It's really difficult at first isn't it? First of all do you sleep during the day when your daughter sleeps? You must just look after you and the baby - don't rush round whilst she's sleeping trying to do housework cook etcdh and mum can do those things.

Secondly maybe you should wake her regularly during the day to feed her so that she is getting overall more milk during the daytime? I'm no expert so I'm sure other people can advise you better about this but I remeber a friend being told to breastfeed every two hours at the beginning to better establish supply and avoid the hungry time being only at night.

I'm with you on the not leaving her crying I could never leave mine to just cry at this young age. It will get better x

you can't let her cry for milk and comfort, she's 11 days old, she's not even realised she's seperate from you yet !

you concentrate on feeding/cuddling and your mum and DH can keep the household running for now

order shopping online, buy in help too if you can

if you deny her milk she will get more distressed and the crying will make her more windy, harder to feed, harder to settle, not feeding frequently enough will reduce your milk supply too

i think that this is pretty much par for the course though for every new mum.. it is really hard and feels relentless

it's hard to imagine it ever changes but it does

cluster feeding is also normal

you could consider co sleeping?

You are bonding with her! :) You give her comfort and hold her and love her - that's all bonding is - it's not some elusive heaven sent state complete with daisy chains and angels.

You're doing great - do what makes you happy - you don't need to take ANYBODY's "advice"!

Another post I could have written. Our DD is nine now, but when she was born I didn't think I'd ever feel normal again. It was mainly my fault, she was our first and last so I had nothing to compare her with. She slept in a cot next to our bed and as soon as she murmered I thought she needed feeding. I'd get her up, turn all the lights on and feed her. Poor little mare was probably just dreaming (if they do at that age). In the end, my sister came out to visit and looked on in amazement. She advised me to keep the lights low, not have the telly on and wait to see if she did really wake up. She also advised me to sleep when DD did. I had never considered that.

Oh you poor thing... It can feel so overwhelming and frightening. I agree totally with all the other posters (although I'm no parenting guru) and suggest that you feed her as and when she asks. She knows when she's hungry and, really, it will be less stressful for both you to just go with what she needs. Also definitely sleep when she does - it's the only way in the early days.

Make sure you're eating properly too as it can be easy to skip meals etc.

Finally, if you're the kind of person who likes to "read the manual" and have been looking at parenting books I'd say take the bits that work for you and ignore the rest. There is no "right" method as all babies and parents are different.

Congratulations and good luck. It will get better. It realy will.

It's really hard I know, but trust me it gets better. My son is 5 months old now, he has personality, he gives me cuddles and his morning smiles are incredible and I feel I am getting the hang of being a Mother. When he was a newborn I felt exactly the same and I thought my baby hated me and I felt like a bad Mother too, because he was crying so much. You're doing well, it does get easier, please don't leave her to cry and go unfed, she won't understand and I think it will make you feel worse.
Congratulations on your daughter!

Sounds like she might have day and night mixed up- my DD did this in the early days. I was advised to aim feed every three hours, and get her back to sleep within an hour during the day. Anything after 7pm counted as a night feed as should be done in dim light, quiet etc. I did feed one side, nappy change, feed other side then straight back to bed. DD then started to get the difference and her 'long' stretch of sleep started being between 10pm and 5am.

When she was a little older I started doing a 'dream feed' at 10pm. You basically get them out of bed and feed them but don't do the nappy change. The suck impulse is so strong they can feed in their sleep so it is all very quick and easy and you get a longer stretch before they wake again.

HTH, you are doing a good job. This phase doesn't last long and you will feel like a different person when you start to get some sleep. They use sleep deprivation as torture for a reason! I'm all for the sleeping while the baby does. Your job is to feed and comfort her. Don't worry about the rest.

Good luck.

I remember those days well! Admittedly mine wasn;t quite as bad in terms of having day and night mixed up, but she was terrible in the evenings - wanted to feed all the time, would seem to drop off, then wake up again within minutes and nothing but me feeding her would quiet her. i dreaded the evenings and started to get quite resentful. I also felt like DH was bonding better, as when he had cuddles it was clam and nice, whereas she seemed to decide she was hungry as soon as she got anywhere near me!!

I agree you can't leave a baby to cry that young, but you can try and nudge her towards a better routine by doing as others have said (I always had mine sleeping and feeding downstairs with noise and light in the day, then kept everything quiet and dark for night feeds and sleeping - until she went too far the other way and stopped napping in the day at all!) Also, although you do need to feed newborns a lot to start with, it is worth trying other things to soothe at times when you feel she has fed a lot already, e.g. singing, your DH rocking, winding etc. You could also consider a dummy eventually- has been a complete sanity saver for me (even though I swore i wouldn't use one!), but it is probably a bit early for that if you are BF, as she is still getting used to it and as people have said she nees to suck to build your supply. I also made sure she fed a lot in the day - kept offering her more after winding, chaging nappy etc until she really wouldn;t take any more.

It is still really early days, so not surprising you are tearful. Most people I know found those times hard, to different degrees. You don;t get much back at that age before they start smiling and laughing. I certainly got quite down, especialy as everyone kept going on about how I should enjoy it, because they don't stay little for long, and I was thinking, "what the hell am I supposed to enjoy, and do they mean this is the best bit - how awful will the rest of it be!?" I didn't really believe anyone who said it would get better either. But DD is 8 months now and I've only recently reflected and realised that it is soo much easier now, and just got better gradually. Whenever I feel a bit stressed about gettnig up in the night, fussing eating etc, I just remember those early days and think thank god it's not that bad anymore!

Congratulations and don;t despair!

In my mum's day you stayed in hospital for 14 days after giving birth, 'convalescing', and baby was brought to you once every 4 hours for feeding; you were allowed a half hour feed/play/cuddle then Baby was taken away to the nursery to be changed etc so you could rest. Strict bed rest for 10 days (bedpans only) and of course all your meals brought to you, limited visiting hours etc etc.

Now I am not suggesting this was all a good thing, but my point is that nowadays we expect a lot of ourselves after giving birth - out of hospital in a couple of days if not hours, back home, taking full responsibility for the baby, setting horribly high standards for ourselves regarding housework and food and entertaining, picking and choosing what advice to take. It doesn't matter how many books we read or friends we talk to we cannot possibly be prepared for the shock and exhaustion of life with a newborn. We think that Other Mums somehow have Cracked It and aren't having the same issues.

As you have already seen, what you are experiencing is normal. There is also loads of fab support and advice here especially about helping dd to gradually learn the difference between night and day. My one addition: you need sleep and rest to create enough milk to satisfy your baby. That's your priority at the moment. If you are not getting rest during the day it may be that dd isn't getting enough milk at night to satisfy her (it may not, but it certainly happened to me). Maybe dh or mum can take dd out for a nice long walk to make sure you get uninterrupted sleep?

Take lots of photos, every day! you can never have enough and she will love you for it when she is 18

It does get better. DD is a year old now and she's lovely. In the early days though it was a nightmare and on several occasions I just sat next to her cot crying (very unlike me!). I ditched the routine books and fed her on demand or woke her for feeding every 2-3 hours during the day.

At night, I'd just pop my hand through the crib, pat and shush her first to see if she was just dreaming. Only if she was still crying did I get up and feed her. I actually took her into her room to feed her as I had everything set up (left a night light on so I could still see but it was dim). You could put a low watt bulb in a lamp if you need a bit more light or I used our camping lantern. It also has the effect of keeping you a bit half-awake too so it's easier to go back to sleep after (BF also does this too I believe). Definitely don't deny her feeds, she's too little, just smile sweetly at your mum and ask if she can make you a cuppa A thermal mug is also a good investment as it keeps your tea warmer for longer. When the tea arrives, pass DD onto your mum and drink up

I also fed her a bit, then changed her nappy, and then topped her up with more feed. Otherwise she screamed through the nappy change as she was hungry.

Agree that napping while DD is napping is good. Get some good curtains in your room to keep the light out or buy a sleep mask to cover your eyes. A nice walk out will give you both some fresh air and it always makes you feel a bit better.

You're doing a brilliant job, it's new for everyone and we all struggle a bit at the beginning. Don't worry, you'll soon feel a bit more on top of things.

I haven't read the other posts so I hope I'm not duplicating too much.

Just wanted to let you know that I could have written that post 9.5 months ago.

Having a baby is such a massive shock to the system that no one can ever prepare you for. I felt I wasn't bonding with my DD either, I even had a moment when (God forgive me) I thought 'Have I made a terrible mistake'. One day you will suprise yourself with how much you have bonded. Very shortly after I had that thought I knew for sure I hadn't made a mistake.

DD is nearly 10 months old now and is a joy, she has her own little personality and is so funny. I can hardly even remember those early days of not knowing which was up and thinking we hadn't bonded, we definitely have.

Each stage has it own challenges, but also wonderful upsides as well.

Hang in there - you are TOTALLY normal. Also you're not a bad mother, if you were you wouldn't be on here saying you were worrying about being a bad mother, lol.

Good luck and love to you and baby, x.

OP, I think I wrote this post two weeks ago! Congratulations on your baby girl, really you are doing a good job.

what time of day was she born? my ds was born at 4am and he is most awake then even now - but I am working on it!

Please remember that your baby will wake up every 2-3 hours during the day and night, they have to - how else are they going to put on an oz a day? (Piggy child! - mine!)

If you have just one, sleep when baby sleeps, let other people do things for you and when you can soak in the bath. Easier said than done I know as whenever I put the oven on and start cooking, or run a bath there is a little demanding cry....

But you aren't being a crap mum, you are just a tired one. It doesn't always feel like that I know, but we all have our ups and downs regardless and they are magnified with a baby. Also its a big change, she is only 11 days old! You have to have time getting used to each other.

Good Luck, you will be brilliant, and as other posters have said come back and rant, moan, ask questions, no one will critcise you and you might have some tips and hints that work for you they certainly have for me!

This is all perfectly normal, and people here have given you great advice.

Can I just add that you need to keep a wee eye on your mental state - if you are crying more and more, or not eating, or unable to get to sleep, or feeling down even when you have had a few hours sleep, then have a chat with your HV or GP. Postnatal Depression can creep up on you. It doesn't sound like you are depressed at the moment - except for saying you can't hold back the tears, and wondering if you will ever be happy again. Keep an eye on yourself, adn be honest with others about how you are feeling.

I hope you soon are able to enjoy your lovely dd, congratulations!

Congratulations. Everyone on here has said some great things but I just wanted to add that I didn't feel really bonded to my DS1 until he was about 6 weeks old, the first time he sort of giggled when I tickled him in the bath. It's a roller coaster ride with a newborn but it will get better(and then eventually at about 2 years old it turns into the dodgems.)

Oh and as others have said, do the feeding YOUR way.

So many lovely posts.

I would never leave DD to cry as a choice but on two occasions when she was very little we did, because myself and DH were too physically exhausted to function (both cases it was around 5 am after no sleep). IT wasn't that we had no patience left, we just couldn't cope.

I talked about it to our lovely HV and she said many parents would have done this, and sometimes it was the only option.

I'm not recommending it, but if you did do it on occasion you wouldn't be the only parent.

With hindsight I think it was the correct decision for us, and safer for DD than co sleeping with two comotose parents.

I realise some will disagree, but I consider that on those two occasions it was the best solution.

Note we were on both occasions certain nothing was physically wrong, as DD was fine if she was being carried around, as was and is her preference.

It will get much easier

KAty

Thank you everyone for the advice, its so nice to hear that I'm not the only one up at night feeding a fussy baby or feeling this way

Thank you so much :)

hi there Baby!

you are doing a great job - and it does get easier, I promise.

did you manage to sleep a bit during the day, while your DD slept?

Hi,

No I can't get myself to sleep, I just keep expecting her to cry and get too anxious. Tonight she seems to be having stomach cramps and is hard to settle..

Thanks!

A tip given to me for that windy bit - and boy does it work - is to write I love you on their tummy and then gently push their legs up to the their tummy to squeeze it out - not only has this been good advice given on here but a midwife friend suggested it to me too. It can cause explosive bottom action but does settle my ds!

I not only could have written this post, but DID write a post like this when my baby was new.

First of all, things WILL settle down, it WILL get easier and you WILL get more sleep and your evenings back. The first two weeks is the hardest and you are nearly there!

But while you're still on the front line, here are a few things that helped me:

• Handing the baby over and having two long hot baths per day.
• Making sure I got ready for bed properly- fresh pyjamas, moisturiser, eye cream, hair brushed(at my lowest point I didn't brush my teeth one night as I thought "there's no point, the night's no different from the day, waaah"). Then I felt nice at the start of the night even if I became a snotty tearful mess by the end!
• Making a nice "nest" for feeding at night, with a good book, snacks, my partner's i-phone(!) etc. I didn't bother trying to stay half asleep for feeds as it took so bloody long and just made me feel like a zombie. Sitting munching some dried apricots and reading a good book isn't so shabby, even if it's at 3am.
• Doing what others have suggested here and making 7pm onwards "night time". Low light, no telly, minimum talking. Your baby will get the hang of bed time soon and you might even be able to eat your dinner in peace!
• We used to warm our baby's moses basket with a hot water bottle while she feeding at night (then take it out before replacing her, obv!). This seemed to help her settle off.
• Meeting other mums in the day with similar age babies. This was a LIFE SAVER (and I was always resistant to the idea of "mum friends".

Sorry for long rambling post, but I remember how how hard it was and how much advice I craved! (But not advice of the "leave her to cry" sort! In your Mum's defence, her memories of babyhood have probably blended into one through time and she's thinking that things which apply to older babies also apply to newborns. Which they do not!)

Good luck!

ps I never could/can sleep in the day either

I felt exactly the same! My advice is get comfy on the sofa and let your baby feed whenever she needs to. I was constantly holding my bf dd ( now 5 months) but things do get easier I promise. If you can, try to practise feeding lying down then it doesn't matter if you drift off while feeding. I also found co sleeping good, particularly for day time naps as my dd would sleep longer next to me and I could sleep too.

Congratulation! When you get to this stage it's lovely, especially when you get smiles and giggles.

Oh and keep on feeding on demand. Mums and mild that had babies in the 70s and 80 s were given much different advice from today in my experience.