Would you "out" yourself to your DC about fertility treatment?

[instantfamily]

I am afraid that one day my DC will ask me if they were conceived naturally and I won't know how to answer. They are triplets so someone intelligent will surely ask them if they are "natural"/tell them they are Frankensteins, etc.

The true answer is that I did have fertility treatment, but do I want them to know this?

I thought the child had a right to know about its origins?

Hopefully someone with direct experience will come along... but surely it's nothing to be ashamed of and therefore why shouldn't they know? How old are they? Have the questions about how babies are made come up - if so I would start there...

Kids will learn about sex and how they came about - their story just has different angle!

They are 4. I definitely feel they are too young for it now.

I didn't know kids had rights at all to know about their origin.

What do you mean dearprudence?

Maybe I feel strange about having had to resort to help to conceive.

Maybe by the time they are old enough to understand this will be a non-issue as people regard fertility treatment as more normal.

My dd knows we had to have fertitlity treatment to have her.

She has never said she feels weird or anyhting (18yrs ). Yours dc should feel more wanted if anything.

I don't see why it would bother them.

It's similar to children asking 'how do babies get out of mummies tummies?' - some go via whatever it is that you call your vagina, others get taken out by a doctor who cut mummy open very carefully and sew her back up again when they are done. AFAIK no child is scarred by knowing that it can happen both ways or that they came out a particular way.

Why would it be a problem to know that sometimes mummies and daddies just do a special cuddle and other times doctors help?

I was going to say that ggirl - it lets the children know that they were very much wanted.

I think that they may get teased about it.

And I must say that random people ask me if I'd had treatment and I find that so embarassing (and I always lie/don't answer).

That's a good way of putting it, trillian and ggirl

I don't see it as any different to the different ways of birth - Both DC were emergency c-sections, and when dd asked about it (whilst preg with ds) I told her babies normally come out of mummys vagina.... but with her - she got stuck and I had an operation to help her come out my tummy (shows scar) she knows the same happened with DS....

She has asked about how babies were made already, I think if I were in your situation I would answer along the lines of - well this is what normally happens... but sometimes either the mummys egg or the daddys sperm finds it harder to xyz into a baby, so then doctors help - and thats how we got you :)

That way they get a vague idea, and as they get older the questions will naturally come iyswim?

Are they biologically yours or did you have donor egg/sperm?

I was asked what I mean...

When I had IVF I remember being given a leaflet talked about the child having a right to know about its conception, and the fertility unit offering counselling specifically to help with deciding when and how to reveal it.

So I've gone about the last 11 years believing this to be the case. Apparently not, in which case I wish I still had the leaflet because I'm now wondering what the hell the fertility unit were playing at!

Fertility treatment is normal - MIL and FIL spent 3 years going to the fertility clinic before finally getting pg with DH - DH is fine with this. I really don't see the problem with telling them fairly early on - the still came out of your tummy, they just had a bit of help getting in there because you really wanted them...

I had ivf too and I always felt uncomfortable with the idea that the children must be told otherwise they'll be messed up.
We haven't told ds. He has a rudimentary idea of normal sex because he asked. I simply didn't find it appropriate to talk about conception in a petri dish at that point. :confused:

I have already started telling DD (4.5) that I had to take "special medicine" to get pregnant with her (I had numerous cycles of Clomid and 2 rounds of IUI with Menopur injections), and as she gets older, I will share more information with her as appropriate. There is a possibility that Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (which caused my fertility problems) is hereditary, and I would rather she be fully aware of this as she enters adulthood. I completely agree with others that it shows exactly how "wanted" she was and in our situation, helps to explain why she will remain an only child.

I think honesty is the best policy with these things - it's hardly a shameful secret, is it? simply that you wanted them so much and love them so much that you had to do some extra things to help things along. I say this as the non-bio mum parenting in a lesbian couple, with a donor conceived daughter who sees her dad regularly. I know people conceal these things, but I really don't understand why - even if your triplets were naturally conceived (my DD was naturally conceived, just that her bio parents didn't have sex!) then surely it would be good for them to understand that this isn't always the case for everyone? They are only 4, so this conversation might not arise in the immediate future.

God yes, I will tell my IVF child. When my child asks me how babies are made I will tell them exactly how most babies are made but also explain that some babies are made a different way. There's no Frankenstein about it IMO.

How the hell is it going to mess them up?

I don't see why you would hold back on that info

they are so lucky to have each other!

I think you should tell them for two reasons:

1. They are going to wonder if they are triplets so if you haven't told them by that point, they're going to ask questions and then feel like you've kept secrets from them (and wonder what else you haven't told them)

1. Other people know and I can tell you that there is nothing worse than other people knowing something about you that you don't know and finding out accidentally.

You really, really wanted children so you had help to do it. What's wrong with that? (this is a subject I feel quite strongly about as my DS was conceived using donor sperm and all the evidence shows that children don't have an issue with that if they have always known. I don't think this is much different)

Sorry that point 1 was very badly worded - I am listening to the radio

I meant that they are going to wonder if they are conceived through fertility treatment particularly, given how unusual natural triplets are

instantfamily, I think it's such a shame you feel embarrassed about this and don't want to tell your DC. DS1 was an IVF baby and we have a book that will explain to him when he's older how he was conceived and why. I don't feel any shame about it and am very open with friends/family/complete strangers that he was conceived through IVF.

I think the more people talk about this the more acceptable it will become. It's certainly not some dirty secret that should be hidden.

I had an IVF-conceived child in my class once (I'm sure she wasn't the only one, but the only who was so open about it!) and the other children were fascinated. She even gave a little talk about it when we did sex ed.

I think it's bound to come out at some point so I would be honest from the word go. Obviously they are too young to understand the intricacies of IVF now, but when the birds and the bees subject comes up you can begin to introduce the idea that mummy and daddy needed a bit of help and they are extra special babies .