Please help me

[BFAnon]

Hi,

can you please help me? I am at the end of my tether and really don't know what to do.

I had my daughter, who is 20 months now, when I was 34. I was never into children, don't have any siblings and the first time I actually held a baby was when I was pregnant and was a godmother to my best friend's child. I was never interested in babies, was never one of those lucky women who are confident around children, know what to say to them etc. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, but never actually came around to having a baby. I nkow it sounds silly, but it's just how it was- we both have (well in my case had)very high-profile jobs, travelled a lot and never had time to actually stop and think. I fell pregnant on the second month of trying and was bewildered- I thought it would take me so much longer, looking at my friends and reading the statistics.

I cried sporadically during my pregnancy- hormones, whatever, thinking that my life as I knew it, was over, then thinking that it's only a beginning- whirlwind of emotions. DD was born via almost emergency C-Section- perfect, healthy, bright baby. SHe had a horrible reflux for almost 5 months, so I don't remember these first months very well, just remember general feeling of being extremely tired and annoyed- annyed by constant crying, not sleeeping, not having a minute for myself. My husband helps a lot, he really does, but he works, and our parents live 2000 miles away, so most of the time it was just me and DD. I remember crying in the park out of frustration and shouting at her to stop crying which only made her cry more. I remember putting her in her cot and walking away for 10 minutes- just because I couldn't stay in the same room woth her and hear her cry. I breastfed her exclusively until she was 1 year old, and I'm actually still breastfeeding her once a day. She couldn;t stand being in a pram, so I carried her until she was 1 year old, then suddenly it changed overnight and she started to like the pram, so I had a bit more freedom.

are there any mums and tots groups near you?

Did your post come to an abrupt end OP ?

It is fairly normal to find the first few months hideous, primarily because of sleep deprivation. If you are still at this stage then maybe need to speak to your doctors about PND.

If you think its not as serious as that then investigate some options. Some toddler groups take 2 yr olds for a couple of hours for a small amount of money 2-3 days per week, to give you a break, or join a gym and put her in the creche for an hour or so.

Presumably you have given up work, maybe investigate doing something voluntary.

Have you got a bit more to add, or is it just general frustration? Being a mum is really hard work, mentally as well as physically, so it's quite normal for it all to get on top of you sometimes.

Sorry, too long pos, have to split in half.

We co-slept for year and a half, rocking her to sleep for over an hour, taking turns.... It was hard job, it still is, but that's not the point.

I feel I don't love my beatiful child enough. I am so annoyed when she cries, I can't stand the sound. I feel overwhelming anger at these moments, I am afraid of myself and the woman I am turning into. I never did anything to her, but the feeling is so scary and I feel such guilt afterwards- I do as I type this. She is bright, beautiful and gorgeous- but I feel I want to hide somewhere in the corner.. DO I make any sense? I don't think I do...

I thought so long before hitting "post" , but still it all came out in such a weird way. I scared my Mum today, who came to visit, and saw the look on my face when my daughter started to cry... She said, I can take her away if you want, and I said be my guest. I feel awful as I type this, keep crying but don't know what to do or how to change it. Please, please help me.

This sounds like me with DS. Same high flying career, not managed to think about kids, but at 34 got pregnant first month of trying when moving to expensive house.

Horrible birth (still get nightmares about it) then DS had colic and I spent first five months crying, shouting, leaving him screaming in his cot. I developed PND. Drugs helped eventually but what sorted it for me was going back to work. I did 4 days a week and we had "mummy / DS day" one day. He is now 5 and a real mummy's boy and we have a real bond. He does not remember the crying or screaming (from either of us) and is now a happy content child.

I assume you are not working from what you have said. Would it be an option for you to return? It might give you a sense of self back - this was crucial for me.

I gave up work after having DD as couldn't find childcare for DS after school. DD is going to nursery 2 days a week in September - she is 16 months. I don't have any of the issues after DS was born, but do need some "me" time and also time to clean the house.

You can't be chained to your child - it isn't good for you or them. I remember a very good HV saying to me after DS was born that going on maternity leave or becoming a SAHM can feel like a bereavement. You are mourning the person you were. I definitely felt like that and it sounds like you do too.

Poor you

Do you get out much/have other mum friends, go to groups/soft play etc?

Also do you feel you've failed if your DD is crying, despite all the hard work you've put in, is that why you feel angry? Kind of like she should appreciate it and she doesn't? And you can't always control it, i.e. comfort her, which is annoying.

I remember when mine were that age they cried a lot, always frustrated at what they couldn't do/reach/have/eat. It wasn't my fault!

Loving is not always a gooey feeling. Love is caring for a child even when they aren't lovable , and you are doing that.

SweetKate,

thank you so much for posting. We relocated to the UK (not from here originally) and I don't think it'll be easy to find the same job here- and I don't want to start again at 36 at the entry-level position (sounds vain and horrible, I know, sorry)... But you are right, I am mourning the person I was and hating the person I am turning into.

Greenlotus, thank you. But surely loving doesn't involve wanting to do anything so that your child doesn't cry? And yes, I feel powerless when she cries, and I know it's not my fault- but it angers me, and THAT is my fault.

I do get out, have lots of playgrounds closeby, lots of shops, restaurants, etc, I have some friends (most are back ome though) but I am very close to my parents, and I do miss them a lot.

PND. Yes, even now.

Go talk to your GP.

You also have had a bit of AND.

Tee2072, i read all i coukd about pnd and i don't think i ever had it. The symptoms are different, i just can't fit into this new role- or can, but def not all the time

Okay. Still sounds like PND to me.

Yes, I meant getting out and interacting with people, (not just on your own) friends, human contact, which builds up your resilience and self esteem. Sure Start are quite good groups if you are in UK, they do little courses etc. if you can't face the whole Stay and Play thing at first.

You come across as being a very close, caring mum, but maybe so focussed on your DD that it's hard to get your own life back? Do you get out on your own at all - exercise, hobbies, shopping, visit friends? It's not trivial, it's your "me time" and that gives you a chance to get your head straight again.

Not sure what else to add but I hope you find an answer. Being on your own with a toddler, somewhere that's not home, in culture shock from a career, is enough to strain the most level headed person so don't feel bad about it. I used to ring up DH sometimes and just say "talk to me for 5 minutes about anything so I don't brain them" . It's hard but you will manage.

Thank you so much, greenlotus. Yes, I do get out (I used to go the nearest supermarket when we relocated to the UK just to talk to an adult for 5 minutes- sad emoticon)- I go to the gym, go out with DH when our parents come to visit, go out alone on the weekends, I did some courses last year, we travel quite a lot- but it's still like my former self is gone and the new person is yet to emerge.....

I think when you have a good career you feel in control of your life. Being responsible for a little person is hard. I never had any problems when mine were babies as I was in control. (Fortunatly they were both fantastic sleepers!) As soon as they started having opinions of their own (espesially before they could express them) I felt lost and helpless- I felt they were in control.
I was working and took advantage of this element of my life. I increased my hours, got the kids into baby gym, swimming, ballet- whatever I could. One of my best friends now is one of the ballet Mums.
You are a person in your own right who feels things. Parents feel guilty all the time but if you feel you are not coping with the guilt speak to your GP. Friends are key- someone to just have a cup of tea and a moan with. Does wonders for the soul. Online and phone are OK but face to face is much much better. These relationships take time and effort to build but they are worth it. I hope you manage to sort things out soon. Keep posting if you need more support.

BenandNiamhsMum, thank you. Yes, I guess being in control might be an answer. I never thought about it this way and you got me thinking.... May be it's more important than I thought. She's too young to go to the groups etc- another thing which makes me gasp at the absence of logic in my thoughts lately- if I found it difficult to be around my daughter, surely I would have been willing to send her to as many groups as I can? Yet I feel very protective and don't want to part with her, don't want a nanny, etc.

Bump?

I'd try contacting your local Children's Centre.
They are a kind of one-stop-shop for parents and they offer a range of activities for children and parents (messy play, music etc.), plus sessions for parents, parenting courses etc. All designed to help support you, boost your confidence, encourage you to share your experiences with other parents in the same position and give you a change of scene and the strength to carry on.

Thanks, piprabbit, i'll try that....

It sounds like it has all gotten a bit too much for you and you need a bit of a break.

MyMamaToldMe, just had one plus my parents were here for almost three weeks.......

please can you help me i dont know if i am doing the right thing with my daughter who is thriteen years old, she is out of control she has no repect for me or any one she dont go to school she mouths off when she dont get her own way,she will shout and scream late at night she call me names and abuse at me. So now i am being evited from my home for anti social behaveouir under the housing act 21 at the moment she is staying with her nan and grandad which is not a good enviroment as the granparents throw abuse at her about me and they try and buy her quietness so now i am having a meeting this tuesday with social workers about putting her into temparory care as i just cant cope at the moment i am attending parent class i would also like to add i have three other children.

do you feel guilty when she cries?

you can't solve everything for her you know. she is her own person and has to experience frustration, anger, tiredness - you can't take it away from her. It's not your fault she cries - all children do because they can't express themselves any other way.

don't take it personally and then you'll be able to handle it more easily, just see it as a necessary part of her understanding herself and the world around her.

hth and good luck

I was a little like this with my dd, but my reaction was possibly a bit more muted than yours - having said that I do still get fairly angry when dd has a meltdown.

I agree (ashamedly) that it could well be to do with control issues.

The years up to age 2/2.5 are the hardest by far. DD is now 3 and amazingly easy - more importantly, I have "found" the new me, and feel like I can do what I like, when I like (within reason) - but I now find that I don't actually always want to...

Hang in there, it does get easier I promise

It really does get easier - my DD is 2.3 years old and it's already getting easier. But friends say the 3 year old mark can be a real turning point when they're over teething and tantrums (somewhat) and can communicate well.

For me, going back to work helped enormously. Can you afford childcare and do some voluntary work or look for a job (entry level or otherwise) whilst she's being looked after?