Please help me

[BFAnon]

Hi,

can you please help me? I am at the end of my tether and really don't know what to do.

I had my daughter, who is 20 months now, when I was 34. I was never into children, don't have any siblings and the first time I actually held a baby was when I was pregnant and was a godmother to my best friend's child. I was never interested in babies, was never one of those lucky women who are confident around children, know what to say to them etc. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, but never actually came around to having a baby. I nkow it sounds silly, but it's just how it was- we both have (well in my case had)very high-profile jobs, travelled a lot and never had time to actually stop and think. I fell pregnant on the second month of trying and was bewildered- I thought it would take me so much longer, looking at my friends and reading the statistics.

I cried sporadically during my pregnancy- hormones, whatever, thinking that my life as I knew it, was over, then thinking that it's only a beginning- whirlwind of emotions. DD was born via almost emergency C-Section- perfect, healthy, bright baby. SHe had a horrible reflux for almost 5 months, so I don't remember these first months very well, just remember general feeling of being extremely tired and annoyed- annyed by constant crying, not sleeeping, not having a minute for myself. My husband helps a lot, he really does, but he works, and our parents live 2000 miles away, so most of the time it was just me and DD. I remember crying in the park out of frustration and shouting at her to stop crying which only made her cry more. I remember putting her in her cot and walking away for 10 minutes- just because I couldn't stay in the same room woth her and hear her cry. I breastfed her exclusively until she was 1 year old, and I'm actually still breastfeeding her once a day. She couldn;t stand being in a pram, so I carried her until she was 1 year old, then suddenly it changed overnight and she started to like the pram, so I had a bit more freedom.

If money isn't an issue I would seek a psychotherapist and look into attachment issues, there are child psychologists who specialise in this area.

Hope this helps.... I decided on kids when I hit 35 because the 'time was right' as opposed to wanting to be a mum. The maternal feelings never came for me so I decided to do the right thing by society. The pregnancy was awful symptomatically and I still hate being pregnant (currently have 2- 2 yrs and 9m)- actually traumatic awful and I still suffer from some symptoms now (pubic symphisis diasthesis). My husband and I are both not from here so have the same issues with parents being far. We both have/had 'those' jobs and I've only now started looking around again.
For my first, I faced very similar issues to you but decided to control a few things like sleeping- cry to sleep technique, brilliant. Once my sleep improved, things got a little better but then I fell pregnant again and wasn't functioning. Had to leave husband for 3 months and stayed with mum as I wasn't coping. Came back and we knew we needed to move so moved and renovated old place in my 8th and 9th month and baby came along a month after we moved into new flat (which will be undergoing renovation soon- I know, I'm a glutton for punishment!!).
Anyway- this is the imp bit- my husband travels quite a bit for work and we somehow came across a network of nanny/househelp which worked for us. I felt the same as you about nanny, extra help and refused to get babysitters during first daughter so we had no life unless parents were visiting- I'd always come up with excuses about why I couldn't get a sitter. My mum who was with me during second birth then injured her back and we were forced to get someone as my dd then was only 15m. It was supposed to be only for a couple of months but she's still here almost 10 months later.
It was hard for me to accept her. I had slight pnd (in retrospect). I hated that she thought she could take over. I still woke up all the time and never really let her help me till much later. I'm talking months here. I took a really long time to bounce back and that is with help that I didn't really want. My point is- it makes a huge difference if you can afford it. I hated paying her (I wasn't getting paid and didn't feel like I could justify spending so why pay her? All crazy talk but it felt something like that). And that even with help it took almost 4-5 months- a long time. I can talk to you about this in person/phone if it helps, its kinda hard to get it all out on paper.
You have no help and you feel guilt and you are resentful for losing your sense of self- it takes a really long time but it starts with accepting a few little things.
It does get better. I'm a much better mum than I ever thought I would be. My time with them is mostly quality time now instead of quantity time and the drudgery of constant childminding (took me a long time to accept that its ok to hate the work of infants, I prefer the stimulation and my contribution towards toddlers). I also accept that it takes a certain type of person to be able to do a childminding/nannying and I am not one of them- its not stimulating enough for me- but all this almost one and half years later.
Hope this makes some aspects of things clearer for you and if you're in London and want to meet up- very happy to.

Baskingseals, Kneehightoagrasshoppe- ladies, thank you so much. I know it does get easiera- actually, it did already, as DD was way calmer this week, I met some other mums on the plauground (previously all other children were much older than DD), so things do start looking better (fingers crossed).

Orissiah, thank you for your post and thanks for reminding about voluntary work- we used to volunteer back home, so may be I could do smth here as well.

Sagalsmith, thank you so much for your post and I willl think about getting some help.

All in all, ladies, thank you all so much. You all helped me a great deal and made me think about things I never really considered. God bless!

dispaire, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, maybe you could start a new thread on here to get some more advice.