Completely Desperate (Long)

[completelydesperate]

I don't know if this is even the right place to write this or what I hope to achieve by doing so but I desperately need help to be a good mum as so far I am f*ing up big time.

My son is one year old and for the last 12months has spent almost every waking hour crying. He doesn't eat well, doesn't sleep well and is developmentally quite behind other children.

I don't know how much more I can take, there must be something I am doing wrong to cause him to be so miserable all the time, we have been to every specialist under the sun and they dont find anything wrong though we have been treated for colic, reflux and tried elimination diets (easy when he refuses to eat anyway).

I try to vary the day with a mix of indoor and outdoor activities, go to toddler groups, have friends over and go to them, play games, sing songs and so on and so forth. The only times he doesnt cry is when he isnt with me (eg he has 2 mornings at creche), when he is in his swing (have tried feeding him in here), when he is asleep (not often and not for long).

I read a thread not too long ago where a mum felt awful that she didnt enjoy being a mum well I out and out hate it and I dont even feel like I really know my son as he is so distressed all the time. It must be me as he seems ok at creche after I leave.

I dont know what to try anymore I have failed him completely and am second guessing myself all the time.

Sorry for the rant, I feel like I have done him such a disservice by becoming a mum to him and then completely sucking at the job.

You don't sound like a bad Mum to me - you sound like a very good one. I remember the other thread too and I recall that a few people said their children were miserable and unhappy too - I think some children just are, no matter what you do. You must be absolutely exhausted and sound at the end of your tether - it's hard enough when you do get some positive feedback from them. No wonder you are not enjoying being a Mum - I don't think anyone would be in the circumstances you describe.

I honestly can't think what to suggest but couldn't just ignore your post! He is still very young - I think he will improve as he gets older and his communication skills and abilities improve. I'm no expert but if his developmental delays are affecting his ability to do things and communicate it may be that he is just terribly frustrated. If it's any consolation at all children are always harder for their Mums than they are for anyone else. My ds2 can be a little sod at times, yet at nursery they think he is an angel - as do both sets of grandparents (because he's always good for them!)

You really do not suck at the job of motherhood - it sounds like you got a really raw deal when it comes to having an 'easy', amenable child. But he is not doing it to make you feel inadequate, or because he hates you - he really is too little to operate like that. You just have to keep going - you are doing all the right things. I really hope he improves soon.

You sound so miserable - I'm so sorry it's so hard.

oh completley desperate please don't blame yourself. You are not a rubbish mum, if you were then you wouldn't care that he's unhappy.

Some babies are just naturally cryers i think, and the more intelligent they are the worse they are because they need stimulating all the time.

I know it makes it really hard when they don't cry when their not with you but honestly its probably because he's in differnt surroundings doing something completly different. I know you stimulate him at home but different people, faces its amazing how different they can be for different people.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way either but they are brill at picking up how you feel and if your upset which is perfectly natural if you have a screaming child 24/7 then they will pick it up.

i just wish i had a majic wand to wave for you right now though. Here if you want to rave for a while till the kids kill each other that is

thank you both for your kind words I know that children pick up on your feelings and I try really hard to acknowledge to him that I am finding it hard but still keep upbeat about it and try not to let it phase me, it is awful but the only time that is really consistently enjoyable is watching him sleep. I do think it is important to communicate with him and say to him "mummy doesnt know how to help you but she will try her best" and mummy feels really sad that you are so unhappy" and I also try to recap any times when he has had fun or enjoyment like "You were great at creche * says you did a picture, that makes me so proud". Do you think this will ever make a difference, are there anythings that I can try that I havent already? I can't help wondering if somone else might do a better job and if I am being selfish keeping him. Isnt that the most horrible thing for a mum to say.

oops there goes my sad attemp at a name change too

My heart goes out to you, although my children are older now I really couldn't cope when they cried for half an hour!! So I cannot begin to imagine how you feel!!!!!

I find that if I just get a few hours to myself I feel much better when the kids get me down. I feel like I can face anything life throws at me once I have had a bit of me time!!! Have you got some family that can help you.

Your son is the happiest with his Mummy.....and for you to be so worried about him just shows what a great mum you are!!!

Is he teething?

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Have you tried cranial osteopathy? There can often be imbalances in the body, particularly if the birth was difficult or prolonged. I would strongly recommend osteopathy, which can resolve problems you didn't even know existed (other than the symptom of crying). If you don't know of a registered osteophath near you, contact the Osteopathic Information Service on 0118 951 2051, or The Osteopathic Centre for Children in London on 0171 495 1231.

my friend is just taken her daughter to an osteopath as she cries constantly and labour was difficult. They reckon it works and might be worth a try.

Just remember you are a wonderful mum

I second the recommendation for cranial osteopathy - it worked wonders on DS2 who just wou;dn't settle for more tha 10 minutes at a time until i brought him for a few sessins. It wasn't immediate but there was a definite imprevment over the following weeks.

DP's mum tells me of the two years of hell he put her through as a baby - he too cried incessantly and she never knew what what to do. He eventually changed into a happy child and is now a happy intelligent adult now.

You are doing great - he will get better and easier to cope with.

When you say developmentaly quite behind - can you expand on this?

Hi!
Can i just ask if you feel really stressed most of the time?? ((well who wouldnt be with a baby crying all the time)) But what i mean to say is.. do you think perhaps your baby is picking up on your stress?? I have a friend who is so uptight... and its amazing to see the same thing in her 2yr old.

agree about cranial osteopathy.

the fact he likes being in his swing suggests something to me, but not sure what. ds3 sleeps much better in his amby hammock (movement) thanb cot- also used to love being on my back, now he's getting more mobile is happier to be put down.

Feeding - is it a texture thing do you think? Together with the swinging makes me wonder about sensory stuff- may be worth reading the out of synch chld- or maybe seeing an OT for exercises (go private for an assessment - you'll be waiting at least 2 years on the nhs).

Also wonder what you mean about the development.

crazy dazy he might be teething but there are no 'good patches' ie if it is teething he has been teething for a year

happymumoftwo I am sure that the sleep affects him, we have tried several times to do various sleep programmes with him, we usually give it two weeks with each programme which is about all I can manage, it makes things worse rather than better, he is just awake for longer periods of time with the same number of wakes

freckle,kath4kids and eef, have tried oesteopathy, accupressure, paediatrition, dietitian, sleep therapist, physiotherapy, cranialsachral massage you name it we have put time, money and effort into it...this is why I feel it must be something I am doing, I almost hope it is something I am doing because that means I can change things

fireflyfairy: yes I do think sometimes the stress gets to me but in general I am a happy, easy going mum and try very hard to take it all in my stride, just now and then it catches up on me.

jimjams re swing he was treated for reflux when he was little which made little difference but one thing we were told to try was constant motion and that was and still is one of the few things that settles him which is why he calms in the swing re development see my thread called "would you be concerned" in behavior and development (sorry cant do links)

Dont want to come accross as dissing all your wonderful support and ideas but I really feel we have tried it all.

thanks to you all for your support and sorry about the pointless post, just needed to let some steam off as that is sometimes all I need to do in order to cope, so thanks for giving me a supportive forum in which to do so

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My dd cried all the time (or so it seemed) from 2 weeks until around 16 months. She suffered from constipation - although it took us a long time to realise what the problem was. At times I had to ask my mum to take her for a few hours just to give us abreak from the screaming.
The good news is that as she got older and could communicate her wonderful personality started to shine through. The constipation still bothers her - and that can make life difficult - but now she is now 3 and we realise we are blessed with a fabulous happy little girl.
You are not a bad parent. Things will get better and you will begin to enjoy your son.

I've got one miserable child (ds) and one happy one - it really is the luck of the draw (but I felt so much better when dd turned out to be like 'everyone else's babies' after 2 years of constant crying and disrupted sleep.

That said, ds did have a problem with chronic glue ear which, because it was very severe, also meant he had problems eating and sleeping..didn't get diagnosed until he was 2 and a half. If your ds isn't making the same type of noises as his friends the same age it might be worth asking for a hearing check (via your health visitor) - you need a tympanograph not the 'distraction test' which the health visitors do (ds passed that one - and he has very poor hearing!)

Hugs to you.

I just feel for you and wish I could do something to help

Hugs to you, I was sorry to read your post because it reminded me so much of dd's babyhood and my sense of failure and isolation. To this day (she is two), I still don't discuss her much with other mums (they can see me struggling anyway) because I have long learnt that my dd is different - never easy, but just as great and adorable as the next kid.

I second the other mums - some babies are just born wired differently. You are doing a fantastic job, nobody but a mum would stick around like you did. You just have one very tough customer.

What saved my life in those dark early days was learning that my baby was not "bad", that there is a type of "high needs" baby that exhibits all the traits you described:

Fussy Baby

If you can find the time, do read The Fussy Baby Book by Sears. Your ds will grow out of it eventually, HTH. From the mum who could not do anything right, I now get running hugs and sloppy kisses (when she is not tantruming)

Hang in there - please believe that you do make an enormous difference to ds. He is just too little to tell you that yet

ok read your would you be concerned briefly. In combination with gut problems yes I would- you need ruty!

Have you tried gluten/casein free diet. If it was going to work you should see a difference within a week casein free (probably days) and within a few weeks gluten free (days again ime). There is a urine test that you can do which would give some indication of whether they would be likely to help- let me know if you wanr info. I can also try and dig out a powerpoint presentation I have of gut inflammation/development problems link (the gut problems come first).

ruty btw had some similar probs

My friends dd was like this, it turned out that he was dairy allergic, she changed his diet and he was a different little boy. Keep your chin up you are doing a great job

thanks all, jimjams have done elimination diets, he is still dairy free as that affected his reflux but gluten has proven to make no difference, we have had it tested as well as done a full elimination from both of our diets (he is bfed), also to bluebear he has had hearing tests at the hospital, I cant remember what they were called but he had to be asleep and they put a thing in his ear which they said was very accurate at detecting abnormalities. Everyone says he will grow out of it and I do cling to that but every now and then I get struck by the "what if he doesnt?" and the "what if it gets worse?"

Have you had the IAG test, or just a coeliac test? IAG would be more useful if you have developmental concerns.