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Parenting

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Original poster

am i a bad/lazy parent?

46 replies

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 18/08/2010 17:37

i have two children, ds is 36mnths and dd is 20mnths.

we have had a bit of a turbulent year to say the least and maybe ive gone soft.

They both have dummys/soothers and ds has a taggies and dd a fluffy blanket thing.

DS is strictly only allowed his at night or naps and it lives in his bed, dd is almost the same, but often has hers in the buggy when on long outings.
the only exception is car journeys. we do alot of long ones.

I really do not feel ready to remove them, we are about to move house for the 3rd time this year, long story. and i think everything in there little lives is so chaotic id be making things hard for all of us taking them away.

im planning on doing the dummy fairy with them both at the same time when we are finally settled at the new house, but really do i need to take away there comforters?

i feel guilty, and a bad parent, but am i?

im prepared to be flamed as everyone hates dummys it seems

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laughalot · 18/08/2010 17:41

You are not a bad parent what works for one family dosent work for another and as you say they have had a rough year.

My ds was 3 when he gave up his dummy nd my dd was 18 months do what suits you and stuff everyone else .

scurryfunge · 18/08/2010 17:45

Don't worry....you do whatever you see fit. The dummies don't last forever and it is good if you limit them only to bedtimes.

Relax

TheUnmentioned · 18/08/2010 17:46

Ds never had a dummy or comforter but no way would I take one off him just before we move house for the 3rd time in a year. Itd be cruel to do so imo.

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Original poster

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 18/08/2010 18:20

thanks, i felt so bad at toddlers this week when ds got hurt and asked for it, i felt like i had an arrow above my head saying bad mum!

id always planned to take it away at one but with dd arriving i put it off to two then dd had one and i was wondering why i put it off, then this year, wow, has been awful, and when they can spend upto 4hrs a day in the car sorting housing rubbish, its kinda it keeps them quiet, and also means what ever family we crash at they will go in the travel cot or ready bed and straight to sleep, as its there familiar things,

god im rambling again.

but thanks again

OP posts:

Firawla · 18/08/2010 22:37

in your situation i would let them have it aswel, it is not really doing any harm is it! im sure it's quite comforting for them especially moving house so many times etc, no need to feel bad at all. who cares what anyone thinks, if they are so stuck up as to think oh they should never have it at that age etc, without even considering the circumstances. anyway what business is it of theirs?? i really wouldnt worry about it

Orissiah · 19/08/2010 12:51

Oh don't feel bad. They are still so so young. I had a comfort blanket until I started school at 4 and I sucked my thumb (in private) until I was 7. And I turned out fine :-)

Funnily enough my 26 month old DD has never wanted a dummy or comfort object. She's not attached to anything.

But that's irrelevant. Your babies are still young. Keep letting them have their comfort objects.

monkey9237 · 19/08/2010 12:55

Absolutely nothing wrong, you are making sure your children are comforted. That makes you a lovely parent. No need to take away something they want and isnt harming them.

moondog · 19/08/2010 12:57

Nothing wrong with it at all.
Wish mine had taken a dummy sometimes to cal mthem down. God knows, I did try but they'd have none of it.

lukewarmcupoftea · 19/08/2010 13:12

Don't be silly . It's fine. As you say, if there was nothing else going on then you would be thinking about the dummy fairy, but you have excellent reasons for not doing that at present.

I think we all have things that we feel sensitive about as parents that we think others are judging us for (e.g. BF/FF, tantrums, using reins, what they are eating), when in fact they probably don't even notice half the time, and rarely judge the rest of the time. Good luck with the move, hope its your last for a while!

Pioneer · 19/08/2010 13:26

Well this will make you feel better...

I sucked my thumb and had a comfort blanket until I was 14 ...

My mum couldn't exactly take my thumb off me, and she never made an issue about the comforter (it was an old pillowcase). I only did it at night, and I made the decision to stop it myself.

You may all think that's weird, but I can assure you that I was not the only one - two of my good friends and my sister all sucked their thumbs until their teens!

My ds still has a dummy and a few comfort toys in his bed, but not in the day. he is 2.1.

Don't beat yourself up over it - they are still tots .

iwouldgoouttonight · 19/08/2010 13:30

What's wrong with a comfort blanket?

I can see that dummies might hinder speech and look at bit odd on older children but why are blankets bad?

DS (nearly 4) has a blanket - he normally only wants it when tired or upset but we take it everywhere with us just in case! And he sucks his thumb - we can't take that off him!

swallowedAfly · 19/08/2010 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mamaloco · 19/08/2010 13:32

Same has pioneer, I had my comforter till about 8, my DB much later (plus he sucked his thumb too). Only to fall asleep. They are little, wait till you are settled in your new house to remove the dummies.
My DD1 is 5.6 and still has her comforter on and off at night. She dropped it at 4 but took it again when her sister was born 6 months ago.

spiritmum · 19/08/2010 13:41

Why do you feel guilty? You are giving your little nes something to comfort them.

Why does anyone else's opinion matter?

Two of my dc had dummies, one didn't. DD1 gave hers to the dummy fairy at about 2 but ds still had his (very necessarily) when he started pre-school it 3. He just stopped needing it one day and in no way did it affect his speech.

They are comfort props, that's all. Think of adults at a party who need a glass in their hands, or women who won't be seen without their lippy, or businessmen who take their favourite pillow with them when they are away. We never really grow out of our comforters, but only toddlers get judged for them it seems - or their mums do .

It is not a big deal. You'll know when they ar eready (and you are too!)

Original poster

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 19/08/2010 15:26

thanks, im feeling a lot less stressed about it.

im a young mum, 22, so at toddlers the other mums seem to think they are giving me advice, and i know its meant nicely, they are lovely women, and restored my faith in other mums after being ignored for 18mnths at monkey music. but i panic and worry enough about being judged and a women muttering in town when ds was asleep in the buggy something about far too big for a buggy let alone a dummy, i walk everywhere, we have a p&t so not exactly a huge double. was the last straw. i also studied child development and early years in college and my tutor had a hate campain for comforters.

i have to have a certain pillow everywhere i sleep and dp takes our quilt, cant use another, thats no different is it.

and i sucked my thumb until i met dp at 16, id never even thought about that, apparently i did in my sleep after we moved in together, so the dummys stay until we are settled and the blankets are at there descretion.

thanks so much ladies, i really do feel like a weights been lifted.

im rambling again, sorry.

OP posts:

spiritmum · 19/08/2010 18:26

JJ, next time the mums at toddlers offer you (well-meaning) advice have alook at their 'comforters' (biscuits, make-up, handbags) and have a smile to yourself.

We were all insecure mums whatever our ages (I was 30 when I had my first) and once we think we've got it 'sorted' dishing out advice (kindly or muttered under breath) makes us feel better about ourselves and our mistakes. It's only when I had no. 3 I realised that a) I need to do whatever works for us rather than what is 'in the books'; b) everyone else has to do what is right for them rather than what is in the books or what I think is 'right' and c) it doesn't matter.

You sound like an amazing mum.

choufleur · 19/08/2010 18:28

Ds (4 and a bit) has a muslin cloths and a dog to go to sleep. Will not sleep without them.

We don't take them out with us but he has them at bedtime. What does it matter if they have a comforter to sleep with?

Original poster

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 19/08/2010 19:57

thank you spirit

OP posts:

luckyJess · 19/08/2010 20:52

DD has only just given up her Dummy at night at nearly 4.5 and has now taken to an old vest top of mine that she is taking to bed. She can have this for as long as she pleases.

DS is 7 and can not go to bed without his beloved Teddy.

Please please dont worry, as others have said, you are being a good Mummy for realising they have ad an unsettled time and bneed their comforters.

You sound like a lovely mum.

susitwoshoes · 19/08/2010 20:59

DD has a comfort bunny/blanket thing, and sucks her fingers - when she's tired, or thoughtful or needs comfort when I can't cuddle her (in pram etc) - though she is only 8 months.

I sucked my fingers for YEARS (too to say how long for) - nothing wrong with my speech, and no orthodontic treatment needed!

Go with what feels right for them and you, and don't worry about it.

booyhoo · 19/08/2010 21:04

jj my ds was 5 in july and he has a teddy that lives in his bed and sleeps with him at night. he goes to granny's aswell when he stays over. it is a comfort and it doesn't affect his normal life so i let him have it. you know your own dcs and you know whatthey have been through this past year. if you think rmoving their comforters now would be too much then don't do it. don't feel pressured to do it by any other motehrs either.

usualsuspect · 19/08/2010 21:09

My ds had a scruffy bit of cot sheet (known as sheek)as a comforter till he was 5 ..also had a dummy till he was nearly 4...

please don't worry

Pioneer · 19/08/2010 21:24

You always get the old dears passing comment jj.

Once I was in the supermarket on a cold day and as I was just dashing in and out, I left DS with his coat done up. He probably was a bit hot, and he started crying - but I was literally about to go back outside.

Some old -cow- lady started muttering "hot" repeatedly under her breath, then eventually announced really loudly, almost shouting - "He's too hot, that's what's the matter!!".

Em, did I actually ask your opinion love?

Also, my mum got told that I was too small for a buggy, and my friend got told that she shouldn't take her son shopping if he was going to cry!

Honestly you get them everywhere - sure they mean well, but best to just smile and ignore!

Pioneer · 19/08/2010 21:27

That should read cow lady, not cow lady! LOL!

primrose22 · 19/08/2010 22:29

My brother had a dummy until he was 8. From the age of 6 onwards it lived in the kitchen cupboard and he would come and have a quick go on it (his words!) if and when needed.
I might add that he is now a well balanced individual. 31 years old with good teeth. He entered adulthood as a successful indie band frontman and now has gone onto bigger and better things. As they say, 'never did him any harm'
You sound a relaxed and understanding Mama, keep up the good work and ignore the childcare manual brigade........

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