am i a bad/lazy parent?

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

i have two children, ds is 36mnths and dd is 20mnths.

we have had a bit of a turbulent year to say the least and maybe ive gone soft.

They both have dummys/soothers and ds has a taggies and dd a fluffy blanket thing.

DS is strictly only allowed his at night or naps and it lives in his bed, dd is almost the same, but often has hers in the buggy when on long outings.
the only exception is car journeys. we do alot of long ones.

I really do not feel ready to remove them, we are about to move house for the 3rd time this year, long story. and i think everything in there little lives is so chaotic id be making things hard for all of us taking them away.

im planning on doing the dummy fairy with them both at the same time when we are finally settled at the new house, but really do i need to take away there comforters?

i feel guilty, and a bad parent, but am i?

im prepared to be flamed as everyone hates dummys it seems

my DS is 22months and has his dummy, good god there is nothing I've agonised over more but realise now that's prob why and how he goes to sleep so easily for naps and bed (we limit it to bed too but in all honesty he often has it out in the buggy as well, oops), good idea to plan to get rid of them both together

pioneer you're so right about old cow-ladies , we were at a christening on Sunday, toddlers running round the back of the church before the service started as the creche wasn't open so we (along with other friends and their toddlers) were wearing the kids out before an hour of boredom - 2 old bats turned round and called us disrespectful in THEIR church for bringing our toddlers to their friend's christening....in what is lauded to be a family friendly church

i am feeling so much better,

ds had his in the buggy today, and he napped like an angel, and as a result i felt so much better, he woke up, handed it over and said fanx mum, i felt like such a cow lady for normally keeping it hidden in my bag.

thing is hes a tall lad and i worry people think hes older, but i know hes not and i need to remember that its not there business.

dd otoh is a dainty little thing with a tiny face and when shes in the coseytoes people think shes under one, i get her out and her legs go on forever lol.

as things stand at the moment our current house is selling and no new one is appearing so me and the kids have moved into mums, the kids think this is brilliant, but ive enrolled ds at her local preschool, with the hope we will live in that area,

how do i handle the dummy and comforter with preschool, as he will want them in his bag, will they allow them if hes hurt distressed etc? i know i need to ask them but admiting he has the dummy is hard enough.

nothing wrong with their blankies and dummies

i had a soft toy in my bed for years and years - he went to university with me ....

re "a women muttering in town when ds was asleep in the buggy something about far too big for a buggy" - do you know what I bet your DC walk a lot lot more than many who have cars - you're out and about walking with the buggy all the time and I bet they have a run around some of the time. I bet the lady wasn't looking at all the passing cars and tutting and saying they should be out in the fresh air!

It is noone business. My DD1 at 3 had a very bad bout of chicken pox and it took her 6 months to properly recover. So buggy it was, because I walk everywhere and she couldn't follow. She was the size of a 5 years old and I had a lot of comments. You are doing what fits your familly. A lot of my freinds (especially DB, as having DC is supposed to be a competition ) saying "Oh the little darling refused the pram from 20 months on", actually drive everywhere and the max. walking is about 10 min which would exhaust the LO.
DD1 was walking a lot more than that and needed the buggy to rest sometime.
If your DS is handing you the dummy willingly he is not addicted (btw, it is so cute!) and let him be...

JJ, I think younger mums always get more judgement generally. But also, people just judge. I had a lady in a charity shop express shock at the size of my sleeping child last week - goodness, look at her, she barely fits in the thing, how old is she?

19 months, is how old she is. And not big for her size.

People are odd.

Hello - I was hugely paranoid about he whole dummy thing with littlemad (and FWIW I was 36 when he was born) but wev'e had a lot of upheaval (exh and I split, moved twice, backwards and forward between 2 very different styles of parenting) so I left him with it, thinking, I hope this is the right thing but I wanted him to have a 'security' item

Much the same he just had it at bedtime up until he was well over 3. One evening when I was about to start reading his bedtime story he handed it to me out of the blue and said 'I don't need this any more' He never asked for it again. Now he will choose something he wants to sleep with if he wants something and often he chooses something for me as well. He has got through it in his own way.

What I'm trying to say is don't worry ad definately don't stew about other people's opinions - I bet more often than not they are waching wondering how you get such contented kids...

You sound great Jj.

FWIW I always used to hate dummies until my neice and nephew had them. Then I thought they were the cutest thing ever!

My DCs never wanted them so they didn't have them. And they all had speech delay.

My nephew had his till he was 5. They had to be pink and he slept with, I think, four. One in his mouth, one under his pillow and one in each hand. My sister was but knew it wouldn't last forever, and indeed it hasn't.

Just ask the pre-school people. They may well suggest he doesn't have his dummy as part of learning to do without it, or they may ask it to be in his bag. They'll know what'll work best and you won't be the first or last to ask.

JJ P&T buggies are designed to take a child up to 5 years old. (would be hard work pushing it constantly though!) My neighbour got one when DS1 was in reception and DS2 had just been born. Without she would never have done the school run on time. Plenty of people I know still use their P&T for 3 & 4 year old children when they get tiered.

Also, a friend of mine (who, incidentally never needed any orthodontic work at all) had a dummy until she was 8 years old. She told me she can remember her Mum telling her how she looked silly & everyone was staring at her, but it didn't worry her.

I have a P&T for my 3.5 year old DS and 8 month old DD. Without it, we would never make the trip to Pre-school on time most days between DS being tired, slow or tantruming and refusing to walk!! He's very tall too so looks much older than he is. I do worry about what people must think seeing me pushing what must look like a 4+ year old around but then remember that it's non of their business

My niece still has a "snugglie" at 4.5 and my nephew still sucks his thumb at 12 (although he does have problems with his teeth and will need a brace). I also knew a girl at university who still sucked her thumb in lectures aged 18+!!!

Your children are still babies and are having a very unsettled time at the moment. I'm sure their comforters will be doing them for more good than harm at the moment. Don't feel bad for letting them keep them. You sound like you're doing a great job.

i really wish i could remember where i saw a kids tshirt with ''its non of your business on'' i think id bulk buy!

thanks so much everyone i feel a million times better

Ds's key worker was so relieved when I gave her ds' dummy to give to him when he got upset, it made her life a lot easier as well as his! IME pre-school staff work with you so if you want to try to wean him off it they will, but if you are happy for him to have it when upset then they'll go with that as well.

thats a real relief to hear spirit i need to stop strressing and just talk to them.

As a bit of a hijack, if you're in the Midlands you can come to my music group! I can't believe you weren't made welcome

I wasn't keen on dummies until I had a baby who wanted to suck ALL the time; when the alternative was him sucking on me, the dummy felt like a lifesaver. Both my kids had them for sleeping only - DS originally also had his in the car.

Anyway, DS gave his up of his own accord (though I had been making suggestions about time to give the dummies to another baby now he was about to turn 4 and go to school, I was still quite surprised when it happened) about a month or so before he hit 4. DD is still firmly attached to hers but she is not 3 yet; can't imagine it will last for ever.

Nobody will ever agree with every aspect of your parenting, but you won't agree with every aspect of theirs.

As everyone else has said, don't stress! My ds, 4, has a teddy that goes everywhere incase he needs it and my dd, 2, also has a teddy that shares her entire life - food, drinks, bed, tv, play, etc.... I let them have them whenever they want them as we live in France and travel back to the uk quite often and it means whether bed is home, the boat, Granny's or a friend's they sleep happily.

The fact that you are worrying about it shows that you are a good mum who cares about her kids so stuff the interfering old biddies. x

jj take no notice of the old dears ( and the younger ones!) that pass comment on you ds being in the buggy. My ds was very tall for his age so when he was about 18 months someone passed comment on him being to old for the buggy. It really upset me, I was a young mum too and felt very judge by people.

I had dd severl years later and when she was about 18 months old and toddling in a shop people commented she was too young to be walking, she was small for her age. you are damned if you do, damned if you dont.

Do what works for you and your dc, nobody else business.

Re the dummies/ blanket at pre-school, any decent preschool will be accepting of a comforter esp. during settling in periods. My dd has a small teddy which is her comforter she took it to nursery and still uses it now when she is tired/ upset. She is 4 now and about to start school

sticky

i was in the midlands, before i lived there it seemed like the ideal place for me and the kids, that was move no1 this year, in march, it was worse there than ever, everyone i spoke to said, 'where are you from' 'your new here' ''what accent is that' i hated it, dp is from leicester and desperatly wanted to go back home i hated it, i was called a snob and all sorts (i say baRTh PaRth etc,) im not honest. needless to say i stayed in for most of my time there. i know i was in a bad area as i met some fantastic mums at groups when i visited my sils in melton and wigston.

move no2 was a few months ago to my mums when my brother died she needed me and i needed to leave leic, so me and the kids did, we are now hoping to have a house back in suffolk, just waiting to references to clear. cue move no.3

thanks for all the support everyone, and to think everyone on netmums said mumsnet was full of meanies, i dont use netmums any more, no practical advice, too many huggggsss! hehe!

Aw JJ, sorry to hear about your brother .

It sounds like you have all had a really rough ride, so it makes it even more important that your dcs feel relaxed and comfortable by whatever means are necessary.

Does your mum have some support for when you leave?

I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, just wondering if she will be ok.

grrrr netmums - just because we don't have dancing smilies, ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and countdowns to our next toilet break, does not mean we are meanies! As I am sure you have already realised!

Oh, I give everyone hugs, me. But then I do that in rl too.

JJ, I am so sorry to hear about your brother, it sounds like you have really been through a lot. Just do what is right for you and your dc. How is your mum?

Dh and I have Suffolk on our list of places to move to - we're in Essex atm. How odd to think that having an accent makes you a 'snob' - they must be very insecure where you used to live!

(never been on netmums so )

I'm sorry about your brother. Agree with everyone that there is no need to feel bad about comforters and dummies. There is a woman who hands her 4 year old son a dummy as he walks out of ds's preschool and I'm always quite jealous that she has a way to soothe him after school while my ds often has a meltdown because he is so worn out. My dd has just adopted a comforter as she's started child care and I'm pleased she has something other than me to make her feel safe.

she has my step dad, and some really good friends,
i dont plan to go far, and even when i did have my own home i saw her most days so it will just be evenings which are different.

plus my sister is 5 and my brother 2, they keep her pretty well occupied!

spirit huggs are still good, its just net mums have to many, its there answer for eeeeeverything, ie this thread on nms would be your fabbby hunny huggggggssss mwah and so on, no actual advice or real life situations.
im a mner through and through now.

suffolk is a really lovely place to live, im never leaving again, i think it was insecurities that caused the comments i got i doubt it helped that dp was the kids dads and he dropped us off, in my 'age group' they were all single mums, so i was a major outsider, back 'home' no one asks, no one cares, we are all mums, and thats that, none of this single/divorced/step etc is an issue.