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Original poster

Should I have kids?

41 replies

changeofheart · 11/08/2010 20:22

I've been with hubby since we were both very young. We've spent the last 19 years saying we don't want kids but recently we've both started to change our minds. I like the idea of us building a family unit together but I don't really like children - I don't know how to deal with them and feel uncomfortable around them. I really don't know what to do. I'm starting to feel really maternal and part of me really does want to go for it but I'm worried that after years of saying I don't want them it will be the wrong thing to do and will drive us apart.

Has anyone been through anything similar or can anyone offer any advice on what I can do to help me decide. I'm pushing 35 and worried that I'm running out of time.

OP posts:

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MakemineaGandT · 11/08/2010 20:23

how about taking a friend's child out for an afternoon (without friend) and see how you enjoy it? Part of feeling uncomfortable might be that you feel you are being watched and judged....so take child out on your own with your DH

TonariNoTotoro · 11/08/2010 20:29

I don't really like children and feel uncomfortable around them.. well, that's how I would have described myself before having DS.

What is your life like? What sort of thing do you live for at the moment?

also what Makemine said.

What does your gut instint say? I was never 100% sure, but obviously would never be without DS. I am now having the dilemma about whether to have a second, but thinking of leaving a 5 year age gap (for various reasons).

Read some of the 'what the hell have I done' threads on the pregnancy/parenting boards for an honest perspective, and some honest and truthful advice.

Peabody · 11/08/2010 20:30

You need to remember that other people's children are generally boring, as opposed to your own, who are invariably extremely cute and interesting.

Can I suggest something? If you have a child, the following may happen:

The first three months (or six months, or year, or whatever time period): will be absolute hell. You will lose your old life completely, you will spend every day regretting it, you will wish you never had a child, there will be immense pressure on your marriage.

The next 18 years and for the rest of your life: You will dote upon your child, you will not be able to immagine life without them, and even though your life has changed beyond all recognition you will not longer want to thump people who say 'It's all worth it' (and will even agree). And will start talking about a second...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

jollyma · 11/08/2010 20:31

Having your own children is a massive and intense learning experience. Having your own is very different from looking after other peoples. If you both want to change your minds then why are you worried it will drive a wedge between you?

quaere · 11/08/2010 20:32

Most people don't like other children except their own

TheElderMrsJones · 11/08/2010 20:39

Can you imagine being your parents age and not having adult children around? I couldn't, so I quickly had 3 even though I can't stand kids. Luckily, my dcs are great, not like other peoples who are snotty and whiney and dull so its all worked out well.

Allegrogirl · 11/08/2010 21:20

I met my DH when I was 18 and he was 22. We had our first when I was 33 and are now expecting number 2 nearly 3 years later.

I had a strong maternal urge/biological clock thing but DH wasn't keen at all. He is a fantastic dad now but not remotely interested in other peoples children. I didn't have a clue what to do with a baby but luckily no one was watching as I got to grips with it.

As others have said your child/ren will be charming, funny, cute and clever. Everyone elses are a bit snotty and dull.

I don't know anyone who has regretted the decision to have children, well not after they get past about 6 months old.

EightiesChick · 11/08/2010 21:33

Lots of people start out saying they don't want kids and change their minds as time goes on. The brilliant thing for you is that you have both done this - it's awful when one partner gets the feeling and the other is still against it.

I would go for it - agree with everything said in the posts so far. Many more people regret not having them than having them. I find kids interesting now in a way I never did before I had any.

LynetteScavo · 11/08/2010 21:39

Taking someone else's child out for the afternoon is NOTHING like having your own.

ou start off with a new born little thing and it grows form there....your own child is always that person, not just a child, IYSWIM.

Like Peabody said.

Wanderingsheep · 11/08/2010 21:41

You feel so different about your own children to what you do other peoples.

I know of lots of people who aren't interested whatsoever in children other than their own. DP can't stand children (or so he says) but he dotes on DD and we are expecting another child in February. I have always known that I wanted children though, so it was easy to make my decision.

mamasunshine · 12/08/2010 08:19

i don't generally like other people's children, and worried about this. But I absolutely adore my own! Try and imagine your lives in 20/30 year's time, Xmas's, birthday's etc. Would life as your getting older be great just the 2 of you, or would it be better to have a family of your own around you?

notyummy · 12/08/2010 08:34

It is a life changer, thats for sure.

DH and I didn't like being around children much before we had DD. I was never the 'maternal' type, although I tried my best to be interested in good friends kids. I was an only child and had never changed a nappy/bathed a baby before I had dd.

DH didn't want kids when we met. I admitted after 5 years together that I thought I wanted one (and he's held me to that - we have only one!) He is a great Dad.

DD was unplanned - we were going to wait another couple of years and have another big noce expensive long haul holiday. DH always said that if you tried to analyse the pros and cons in having a child then you would never have one - and it is true. You can't really quantify the positive - but its there!

Orissiah · 12/08/2010 09:31

I've never been broody or maternal and other peoples' children never interested me. I had my own child because my DH wanted a child and though I found the newborn months hellish (despite her being an easy baby and sleeping through the night early on), I LOVE LOVE LOVE her to bits and cannot imagine my life without her. At 2.2 years old, she is adorable. I don't want a second child as I am still not broody or maternal but I never regret having DD :-)

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 12/08/2010 09:38

A lot of parents don't much like other people's children, although they generally won't admit it in real life. Your own are by definition far more interesting and appealing.

I'm normally a big proponent on threads like this of the childfree person not feeling pushed into having children when it's really not what they want, but reading your OP it does sound as though you really do want a child/children but are just nervous about the prospect and a bit embarassed about having done such a complete U-turn. So in your case I think just from reading your post as an objective outsider that you should go for it, if your husband is on board with the idea.

WreckOfTheHesperus · 12/08/2010 09:40

Don't go by your reactions to spending time with other people's children; that's like spending the afternoon with your friend's husband and deciding never to get married as you don't fancy him!

At 35, time is running out for you; listen to your gut instinct and go for it; it's the biggest adventure of your life.

conkie · 12/08/2010 10:15

I was like that. Never maternal or looked after children, never changed a nappy even though my sister had 2 children. I then met my husband and things changed. I felt that children was the next step although I was worried. The minute my son was born everything just kicked in. It was like a switch had been turned on. I wouldn't worry at all

SuzanneV · 12/08/2010 16:33

I could have written your post, as I started feeling that I might like to have children when I got to 34, after being vehemently anti the idea. Now have two sons aged 8 and 4 who are fantastic, but still not keen on other people's children .

flowerpots · 12/08/2010 17:17

WreckOfTheHesperus v true!

we only have this one life so why not make the most of it and create a family?.. having a child of your own is amazing and creating it with the one you love creates a closer bond, it's berluddy hard work (refer to parenting threads!) but worth it!

Good luck with whatever you decide op!

Fiddledee · 12/08/2010 17:58

Having one child doesn't have to change your life that much, they are very portable and bring great joy. I do think you need to do it now or never as otherwise there could be alot of heartache. I am glad that I had my children in my late 30s as I lived a very full life before they arrived.

LynetteScavo · 12/08/2010 18:36

Fiddledee Thu 12-Aug-10 17:58:17

"Having one child doesn't have to change your life that much"

How are you trying to kid?

LynetteScavo · 12/08/2010 18:37

Or even Who?

Karoleann · 12/08/2010 18:37

I was utterly useless with children before i had my own. DS1 wasn't planned so i was really nervous about it all - i was 31. I can honestly say its the best thing i've ever done, they've enriched my life more than i ever could have imagined. I feel now that i'm really good with children now - I'm even a bit more keen on other people's!
Good luck

Fiddledee · 12/08/2010 18:46

Sorry Lynette I found when I had it was quite easy and not that disruptive after the first couple of years. I know lots of parents with only children and they do fit in with their parents lives more. I'm not saying its best to have one child.I hasten to have I have more than one child and will never regret it but my life would be very different with just one.

LynetteScavo · 12/08/2010 20:03

Oh, after the first couple of years.

louisianablue2000 · 12/08/2010 21:17

It is a hard decision to make because you really don't know what you are letting yourself in for. I don't think anyone ever regrets the children (at least, not after the first year or so) but it will change your relationships with other people a lot. You will be physically and emotionally shattered more tired in the first year or so until they sleep through the night, and have less money and time to devote to your relationship with your DH. It will suffer in the short-term but if you have a strong relationship that you are committed to you'll cope. You will also reassess all your relationships (friends and family, especially family) which was the bit that really shocked me. I have no patience with friends and family that aren't supportive of us and refuse to babysit or don't get anything for the DDs birthdays (I mean you PILs).

Having said all that I have a theory that people who always wanted to be parents have a deluded fairytale in their head that the reality can't live up to whereas people who start out not wanting children have a more realistic view pre-children of the work required and so adapt more easily. Because if you expect it to be rubbish then the days that are rubbish are not a surprise so you cope and the days that are good are wonderful.

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