Should I have kids?

[changeofheart]

I've been with hubby since we were both very young. We've spent the last 19 years saying we don't want kids but recently we've both started to change our minds. I like the idea of us building a family unit together but I don't really like children - I don't know how to deal with them and feel uncomfortable around them. I really don't know what to do. I'm starting to feel really maternal and part of me really does want to go for it but I'm worried that after years of saying I don't want them it will be the wrong thing to do and will drive us apart.

Has anyone been through anything similar or can anyone offer any advice on what I can do to help me decide. I'm pushing 35 and worried that I'm running out of time.

i dont really like any one else's children, except for my nieces.
never felt very maternal.
but adore my DS and desperate for another

Felt exactly same as you OP. Met someone at aged thirty he wanted kids so I went for it.

I have no regrets whatsoever. I sometimes feel scared that I almost missed out on the being a Mother and knowing my dc. Believe me I was the least maternal person you could ever meet.

I didn't like any kids before I had dc but now I do because I see them as individuals the same as my own are.

Do it. I would bet my lifes savings you won't regret it. A whole new world opens up to you that you never even suspected existed. Becoming a parent is the best thing I ever did.

Children can and do drive couples apart

However, they also bring couples closer together - I simply cannot imagine dh and I without our dcs, we'd have nothing to say to each other and life would be very selfish and shallow. There's nothing like both adoring a child to bond you. Because everyone else will probably think your child is a snotty brat and they may well be right.

As someone else said, the beginning is usually hell. It gets better and better. You envy childfree people sometimes but you wouldn't want to be them

I'd go for it, you sound as if you really want to

I've spent the last 20 years making it very clear that to my friends that I hate children.

I'm currently a very planned 31 weeks pregnant.

My friends' reactions included "I never saw that one coming" and "when exactly did you decide you didn't hate kids anymore". My response to the latter was "oh I still hate kids, other people's kids, but am working on the basis that I'll love my own".

I'll let you know whether that still stands in 9 or so weeks' time!

And remember that it's only the first couple of years (in most cases) that are the most tiring and require the most adjustment.

And also remember to make sure you and DH make time during the baby's first year or two to do things alone and just the two of you. This way the transition from child free life won't be so tough. DH and I regularly had date nights (and date days too) - leaving DD with her Grandma. DH and I still frequently give each other "days off" too.

I was uber-unmaternal. Didn't have a clue what to do or say to children, actively disliked them in fact, and had a career instead. Never totally ruled them out in case I had some sort of hormone overload at some point, but certainly didn't ever actively plan to have them.

Got pregnant by accident. Had child. Spent 9 months terrified I wouldn't know what to do with it and wouldn't care about it and would end up leaving it in ASDA or something and getting locked up for being a shit mother. Had him - spent the next 6 months (and yes, those were the worst most traumatic and horrible months of my life) in such a protective fug I'd have killed anyone who looked at him wrong. He's 3 now and the next one comes in 6 weeks . DP and I have been sorely tested as a couple but are closer now than ever before, we have greater respect and understanding of one another, and seeing him be a great father has given me a whole new layer of him to love.

You sound like you're up for it and ready - the only thing holding you back is your own previous certainty. My advice? Nothing anyone tells you will prepare you or help you decide. Nothing can possibly do that for you. Jump in :)

How you feel about anyone's children is nothing like how you feel about your own, either before you have children or after.

I think two things about what you're writing:

1. I think it is bonkers when people say 'oh, I love children!' in the same way they'd say 'oh, I love burgers!'. Children are people. I don't 'like adults', I like people I care about and find a connection with. I don't 'like children', I like children I care about and find a connection with.

It's harder to find a connection with children rather than adults because they're so, so different to us, but I am close to the children of very close friends, and my nieces.

I can't play with children though - not even my own! I'm rubbish at it! I'm very good at treating them like people though and I enjoy my own children's company hugely - they're lovely to have around, great to talk to, funny - I have four!

So don't base your decision on whether or not you like children. Your own children will not be just 'children', they will be people you have a very special, very close connection with, and, because you will live with them for a very long time, your connection and affection for eachother will grow and grow

1. Whether or not it will be good for your marriage: If you both want children, and you work well as a team, and both respect eachother and your respective roles (whatever you choose them to be) and you are kind to eachother, then your marriage is likely to get stronger.

I have strong views about marriage, and believe that if both parties feel strongly that they want their marriage to work, they will be able to overcome anything if they refuse to give in and work with eachother honestly, openly and kindly. If one partner doesn't, that's when marriages fail. So I guess it all depends on how you and your partner feel about marriage. If having children would break it, then so might a stressful house-move, or a family bereavement.

The other thing to bear in mind when you have children, is that you all should, IMO, try to take eachother seriously equally, which means that the children don't necessarily come first, but that doesn't mean they should ever suffer just so that you and your partner get time together. DH's and my marriage got much stronger when we both read a book about this - Winning Parent, Winning Child - and we worked out better ways of finding solutions that meant that the ocassions when a decision was made that made someone unhappy became far rarer. And DH and I didn't have to sacrifice our time together, and the children didn't have to suffer at all.

I think I'm saying that, if you start as you mean to go on and make it a principle to think creatively together to make sure that no one loses out - you, DH or your child/ren - then you stand a good chance of just strengthening your marriage, rather than weakening it

Yes, this is a no-brainer. You've both changed your mind together, which is fab and an indicator that the correct thing to do is go forth and try and multiply without overthinking. As others have said, your own children are miles more fantastic than any others. Throw away your contraception and go away and shag your husband frequently with abandon and enjoyment. Good luck.

Go for it, do not waste any more time thinking, get at it like rabbits.

A woman at work is 36 and in a long term relationship and does not want kids at all. Even with all the ladies having babies she has no maternal instinct in her bones. But thinking of her being 70/80yrs of age, no close family and grandchildren around her and no neices or nephews to spoil either, shes thinking more clearly.
Shes afraid shes gonna end up like some of the patients we look after, with a neighbour or friend as their NOK or maybe a cousin's child who lives miles away. Its so sad when they have no family.

Yep i agree with the posts about it being hard work for the first few months, sleepless nights, sore nipples, crying, dirty nappies, i could go on,

but.. having your own child is like nothing you have ever felt on this earth before. The overwhelming love, joy and protectiveness that you have for the little person that you have both made, this tiny baby who looks up into your face when you hold her/him in your arms for the first time....well its hard to describe.

And so worth the 9 months of pregnancy and labour..
My son is 8 months and the best thing to ever happen to me. He is such a ray of sunshine in our lives

DH and I were both into our careers, travel, outdoor pursuits, cooking, meeting friends (still are in fact) and couldn't see how children would fit. I suddenly felt that I had to have a child and luckily DH supported that. Unlike others, we breezed through the baby stage where they are quite portable, but struggled with the toddler stage and found that was the biggest strain on our relationship. The tantrums and inability to go hiking with a toddler clipped our wings for a time. But these difficult periods are such a short time in bigger scheme of things.

The upsides I have found are:

1. Love like I have never experienced before (cliche but true!)
2. I don't consider myself very emotionally intelligent, but bringing up a small person sharpens these skills.
3. Giving me the guts to start my own business. If I hadn't had the motivation of children to find more flexible work, I probably would have plodded on as an employee getting progressively more disillusioned with commuting and corporate life.
4. The pleasure of introducing a new person with unjaded eyes to the world, to the people and places you love, to the activities you enjoy - in our case sailing, canoeing, mountain biking.
5. Seeing the joy they give to people that we love in our families.

There are downsides. If you want to retain your outside interests and a social life, and keep your relationship on a good footing, it takes more effort and organisation, and it is harder to be spontaneous. But it is possible, and easier with one child than more than one.

Go for it.

DP and I had been together about 16 years and enjoyed our child-free lifestyle (active pursuits, holidays, nights out etc) when I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant.
Sadly I miscarried. I was devastated. That was the trigger that changed everything - I desperately wanted a child after that. 4 months later I was preganant again.
Our little boy has brought us, and his grandparents & other relations, so much joy.

Before I had our little boy I had no experience of babies, as none of my friends had kids, so I was absolutely clueless. DP was the same. We didn't know how to change a nappy or bath a baby.

Yes, your relationship changes. Yes, newborns are hard work. But now we are a family, and it's great. I don't regret a thing. DP loves our son. He's 2 and a half now, and we're looking forward to doing things as a family that DP and I used to do as a couple (cycling, skiing etc)

boiledegg-What a great post! Sums up the experience of DH and I with dd very much indeed. Now she is 4 and we are sharing all sorts if things together.

I don't like other people's children - they annoy me and gross me out. My babies however are both stunning to look at and perfect in every way.

However it is a really big thing to be completely responsible for someone else, the worry is the worst part of motherhood for me. Part of my heart is now outside of my body. I never really knew what fear was until I had my DSs.

Having kids is a hassle but the payoff (IMO) is worth it.

I just wanted to say thank you for all the responses I got to this - it was totally unexpected. We still need to give it a bit more thought but your comments have really helped me put things into perspective so thanks!!

My story was just like yours. DH and I were together for 18 years and had never the slightest interest in or knowledge of children. I sort of assumed that one day I would feel different and maternal instict would kick in. It never did. At 36 I said we should make a decision yes or no and stick to it.
We decided that we did not want to risk regretting having no children. Actually I never thought I'd get pregnant as in all those years I'd never even been a day late and so many people allegedly get pregnant while using contraception.
5 weeks later I was pregnant. I spent 9 months in fear and trepidation in case I had made the worst decision of my life.

It was the best thing we ever did. It almost feels as though I've had two different lives as an adult.My boys are the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me (number 2 was my 40th birthday present). The early years were hard but we have never been anything other than thrilled at being parents.

They are now 12 and 14. No regrets. None.

Other peoples children will not make you feel like this.