Why do people have kids?

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

It's been 4 weeks since I gave birth and I am NOT enjoying this.

I've just left screaming baby and DH in the bedroom after saying loudly "fucking adoption".

Just when I think I'm getting the hang of this parenting lark, I realize I'm not - I'm out of my depth. What's really pathetic is, I planned this child!

Why on earth do people go on to have multiple children????? (Seriously, why?)

because there are good bits too. honestly there are. non sleeping newborns is probably nto many people's highlights, if they are totally honest about it.
And everyone needs a bit of time off. Make yourself a drink of tea or something stronger and do some mumsnetting.
i did find that just sometimes i had to let my baby cry for my own sanity.
it will be better again soon, honest.

Thanks for replying.

I feel so guilty for what I have just said. I feel like a crap mother. When I was TTC no one told me about this shite, or at least, no one told me that I would be depressed.

DH said "just let her cry" but I've read in books that letting babies cry it out leads to them being insecure (as if their feelings don't count).

But I've done everything I fucking can tonight.

I've wanted kids all my life. Was I really that naive??? I'm not the only mother hating this experience (I see other threads all the time) so why do people have multiples?

It's not like I'm a teenage mother either. I'm an educated 28 year old!

The effort/reward ratio changes hugely over time. Mine is 20 months now, she rarely if ever cries, she talks to me ("more bottle mummy. More bottle.

Are you having counselling and/or ad's for the depression?

Parenting can be utterly horrendous at times, especially in the early sleep deprived days. In contrast to that though it can also be absolutely amazing. It's a bit of a roller coaster ride. This is why people say it's the hardest job ever.

Being depressed can make it a while lot harder to cope with(I speak from experience!) but it does get a lot better, that's why people have more! Plus, it's usually a little easier 2nd time round cause you kinda know what to expect.

We have all said things we regret in the heat of the moment when dealing with a young baby so don't beat yourself up about that....

You're right that it's not a good idea to leave baby to cry, unfortunately it's their only form of communication at this stage even though it makes you feel so stressed.

If you're really stressed it won't do baby any
Harm to be left for a short time whilst you gather your thoughts however. Just take one day at a time, it does get better, honest!

You are knackered and stressed, don't feel guilty. I had 3 miscarriages before I managed to have my precious daughter and when she was only 3 weeks old I ended up calling her a bitch It is such hard work.

It is rewarding and the older they get, the better it gets. I personally don't get much out of it until they are about 10 months old and their personality shines through. Then you will love it because you start to get something back. I am about to have number 3 and then want one more. There are the odd times when I think "why on earth am I putting myself through this?" Then out of the blue my daughter will run in the room and kiss me and say she loves me.

When they are little and can't tell you what is wrong, and just cry and cry it is sooo stressful. Can I recommend you read the Baby Whisperer, it is full of insight into what is going on. It really helped me to understand my son's needs.

Good luck, you will love it.

I think tortoise has some good advice about just keep plodding on making sure everyone is safe fed and clean some days that is all I acheive, we are all still alive

We ALL have moments/days/periods like this, no matter how much our children were wanted. Please don't think you are doing something wrong. It is relentless when they are tiny and you are getting no feedback. Has your baby smiled yet? I didn't feel I really bonded with DS at all until he did. TBH I found the whole baby bit quite boring, I much prefer him as a toddler, maddening though he is at least he is funny with it!

I don't agree with sleep training but I do think it's fine to let them cry for a bit when you have tried everything and are feeling like you just can't cope any more. There's nothing wrong with a bit of crying - like someone said above if you had twins or an older child, how could you possibly attend to them every single minute?

I found a sling really useful when DS was tiny - a stretchy wrap sling - he seemed to settle really well in it. If it is that she won't settle or she won't be away from you and you can't get anything done they can be a lifesaver as it's like they are being cuddled but you are totally hands free. However if you are feeling like you need some space from the baby completely it might not be the right thing. A swing could be something to look at maybe?

Have you spoken to your health visitor about PND at all?

I promise you this will all get better and you will look back and think "Thank god that's over with!" :)

It definitely gets better, I remember having such a tough time 4 weeks in with my 1st that I was mystified that people expecting twins actually went home with two and didn't give one up for adoption.

And I went on to have baby number 2! Proof that things do get better or I wouldn't have done that!

The weeks fly by and without realizing when it happened suddenly you've got the hang of it. Hang on in there

Thanks everyone. Your words are comforting.

I'm finding being a first time mother is very confusing and contradictory.

When I have taken the baby out and about I have had several people say to me "enjoy this time while it lasts. She won't be this tiny for long. It's so precious". What THE HELL are they talking about?

I'm also worried that my inability to cope with my newborn now will mean that my husband wont let me have any more children in the future. He may remind me of this period and how I have acted. Has anyone else worried about this?

I got a lot of the 'time passes really quickly stuff' when DD was a newborn and I felt very like you. My internal response was pretty much always 'no it fucking doesn't, every day is a year'. I agonised for ages about what we'd done (we'd even gone through ivf etc and I found the first few months hellish).

For me, it started to get better when DD was 3 months and we found baby groups to go out to. She didn't get much out of them but getting out of the house each day made a huge difference to me. She's now 3 and a gorgeous, funny little girl. Looking back, it has gone quickly so the comments were right but I'm also quite glad we're through the baby stage.

I also have a DS (10m). I found it all astonishingly easy second time round. He bf like a dream and we spent the first few months sling wearing/ bf/ co-sleeping and it was all lovely and easy. He's actually harder work now because he is into everything and is starting to walk so I'm now constantly on duty. He also doesn't sleep - hence post atm! He is also lovely and funny and getting more so by the day.

It really does get easier and you get used to it. Don't underestimate how hard it is to adapt from a self-sufficient life to having one ruled by a tiny and very imperious little thing who just screams at you. Do whatever it takes for you to feel better and more capable because you definitely will.

Ah, well, they forget the bad bits, you see. Many of us have mothers or MILs who've said "there must be something wrong with that child, mine never cried at all and slept through from the beginning" and it's just not true.

Most of what I remember about mine, now, apart from the intellectual knowledge that it was hard, was hours sitting on the couch while she slept in my arms, or being awake in the wee hours just gazing at her, or her little fingers curling and loosening. Someone said something yesterday about leaking boobs and I realised I had totally, utterly forgotten about that - despite the fact that I had to change the sheets daily because I'd leak so much overnight. But you do forget those bits.

Really, is she getting fed, and cuddled, and changed regularly, and is she dressed suitably and has a safe place to sleep? Then you are coping, and admirably at that.

If, however, you really don't think you're coping - I can't tell how much of this is your expectations of yourself and how much is an actual problem - talk to your HV about it, she'll probably be able to help you decide if it's PND. If it is, that's not your fault, by the way - it just means there's something that can be done to help your mood.

As for a second child - ha, look at you, you're worrying if he'll let you have a second one already, there must be a tiny inkling of desire there then, right?

Anyway, the thing is, your daughter will grow up a bit, and she'll learn to say 'Daddy? Daddy? DADDDYYYY! Luv oo', and she'll learn to walk and fall down a lot and he'll help pick her up, and she'll giggle the first time he blows bubbles for her in the sunshine, and one morning you and he will wake up after a full night's sleep, and he will say "shall we have another, then?".

I didn't bond with my son until he was 5.5 months old. Now I dote upon him.

I had the second to amuse the first and give me more time to myself :) And also, of course, because I had enough love for two babies by then.

(I don't want a third, though!)

It does get better. Really. But don't feel you have to enjoy it - just endure it and keep saying 'This too shall pass'.

I promise promise it will get easier, I wrote this on another thread the other day but I do remember saying to my dh "what have we done" at about 4 weeks as she just cried and cried and nothing we did pacified her. I have always wanted kids and all of a sudden this tiny person had taken over my life and it was a HUGE shock to the system. Other days I remember handing her to my husband and just saying 'get her away from me' cos I was so tired of it all....

Well it did get better cos I have 2 now and they are both amazing, bloody hard work but amazing....hang in there and be kind to yourself.

I found the first 6 weeks incredibly hard. Everything you've described sounds perfectly normal to me. But, I agree with everyone else - it does much better. You have soooooo many heart melting moments to look forward. In just a week or so you'll cach a glimpse of her first smile!

I'd also recommend a sling - I used one indoors a lot and it worked wonders for my DS. While I agree with you that 4 weeks is generally too young to cry it out, if you're ever really stressed out, putting your DD somewhere safe for a few minutes while you get count to ten/make a cuppa/ go to the other side of the house and scream won't hurt.

I totally know what you are talking about. My DD is now 27 mo and a joy - although sometimes a challenging one!

Some of the thoughts I had in the first few weeks (I must have been exhausted and not thinking straight, I sound mad now):

On getting mastitis when she was 3 weeks old I hoped it would mean I was admitted to hospital and wouldn't be able to take DD so I could have a break from the relentless feeding and crying and give my nipples a chance to heal.

I saw an old couple walking past my house and thought wistfully of the time I would be as old as them and DD would be an adult.

I also wondered about adoption - also because I was so sure I was going to do something to mess up her life. I even tried to broach the subject with my DH only to be told I was doing really well. Instead of being reassured I felt betrayed!

I couldn't imagine ever having time to myself, even being able to eat, wash, sleep and go to the toilet - just that I would always have to choose which one was the most pressing.

It does get so much better for various reasons - my DD started to sleep longer and for predictable periods around 6 weeks, she started smiling, I found I could put her down to do something I needed to do, and I got into a routine to stop myself going mad.

I did hate the,' Are you enjoying her?' thing though. I could hardly tell through exhaustion and anxiety but I always knew that I was totally in love with her and if anyone had tried to take her away for adoption I would have fought them tooth and nail.

The first 6 weeks are like an endurance test - it really does get better though. I remember a few of my friends telling me to enjoy him now (at 2 weeks) as it just gets harder - not what you want to hear and also not true. As others have said you get so much more back as they get older.

Oh, yes, totally not true. All those people who say "oh you just wait till they're walking/talking/whatever" should be forced to do a night nurse shift, for free, for a new parent. It's a bonkers idea, that a child who can tell you what they want is more difficult.

Just a further flag being flown in the 'it 'will get better' camp! On reflection, having had one very planned (vasectomy reversal), one semi planned (we'll stop using condoms and see what happens) and one complete accident (condom used on day 5 of 6 week cycle, how the hell did she manage that ), I think that the complete accident was much easier to live with in the first 6 weeks. As I hadnt wanted her to be here, I wasnt too hard on myself when it was such hard work.

Try to get out every day for a walk, accept help whenever it's offered (and ask for it when it's not) and sleep whenever you get the chance.

I had some horrid horrid times when DS was little. Not sleeping for hours, endless crying etc. He did have reflux though so was probably in pain.

I spent a lot of time on MN asking for help! It helped knowing we weren't the only ones.

Now DS is 10 months and I really can't remember it all unless I'm reminded by reading a thread like this. I used to scream and rage - it is hormones, tiredness, loss of control etc which makes it hard. Also knowing that you can't walk away.

If you haven't already, get a sling. Pop crying baby in the sling and go for a walk. DH and I did this, even at 3am. That combined with a dummy would work after about 20 minutes. Keep walking for a bit to make sure they're in a deep sleep then come home and lie back with baby on your chest. Putting them down means they will wake! It's all about survival in the first 6 weeks.

Also don't let your baby get overstimulated - if yours is like ours, too much excitement would mean he couldn't switch off and would cry cry cry. No toys, make sure he doesn't stay awake too long (ours was 45 mins max!), no evening visitors... It made our lives easier.

Everything, is harder when you're exhausted. And you are coping with a newborn. It can be so so hard. You are doing brilliantly to get through each day.

It will indeed get better - reminding yourself that will help. You wouldn't expect to be an expert if you'd been in a new job a few weeks - you would understand that getting there would take time. It's the same with parenting - but of course, it's coupled with a sense of almost overwhelming responsibility that it's draining, emotionally and physically.

I felt exactly like you. And now I have two DC. It's also terribly hard from time to time, but the good stuff is so worth the relentless slog.

Hope knowing that you are certainly not alone helps. Take my health visitor's advice "the first six weeks or so are crazy; just go with the flow".

This is a lovely thread.

OP it's true, just concentrate on the basics for the first weeks - clean nappy, fed, put down to sleep. Don't even stress if your baby sleeps or not, just so long as they are put down in bed at regular intervals!

Take the pressure off yourself.

I'm pregnant with my second. Having had one already, I am completely at people who say "Oh you're having a baby, how lovely!". No it fucking isn't!

Don't forget, Tweedledee, that 4 weeks postpartum your hormones are still all over the place, so you are bound to feel sensitive and out of your depth.

Get your DH to take the baby for a walk between feeds if you can, so you can have some rest and the change of scene my help settle he as well - I remember Ds screaming for 2-3 hours in the afternoon at that age, I would be at my wits end, tried everything, feed, cuddle, nappy change etc., as soon as DH walked in I handed him over and he shut up instantly!!