Why do people have kids?

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

It's been 4 weeks since I gave birth and I am NOT enjoying this.

I've just left screaming baby and DH in the bedroom after saying loudly "fucking adoption".

Just when I think I'm getting the hang of this parenting lark, I realize I'm not - I'm out of my depth. What's really pathetic is, I planned this child!

Why on earth do people go on to have multiple children????? (Seriously, why?)

Posted too soon but you got the essence I think! Babies are unrelenting hard work with minimal return. They're like an endurance test. I went from wondering how anyone could ever hurt a child to being amazed that it doesn't happen more often, because dealing with a newborn is a true test of patience and sanity. I'm not dreading doing it again but I am preparing myself for a period of survival and no more. If I can just get through the first couple of months and keep us all alive I'll view that as success. I do concur that with time it gets easier - and more enjoyable. DS was tough going as a baby and to be honest his first months were nightmarish, but he's 3 now and the last 2 and a half years have been delightful. Hang on in there, eat cake and get out and walk as much as possible. Each day is a day closer to better times.

I found 4 weeks to be about the most difficult point as the adrenalin wears off and sheer exhaustion kicks in. Completely agree with those who say that 6 weeks is a turning point, so hang on in there Tweedledee - you're nearly there.

Just to add to the practical advice above, have you come across Harvey Karp? He's a big fan of swaddling and baby swings (the type that go side to side). Having baby swaddled and in the swing saved my sanity!

And just a final point - all babies are different. My first was extrememly high maintenance, just screamed and fed as far as I can remember, but my second is like a doll. When you see mums who look like they're getting 8 hours sleep and are wearing lipstick, I'd put money on them being lucky rather than them being better parents!

- Harvey Karp on Richard and Judy. You've had some excellent advice here, I particularly agree with thatdamndog suggesting EAT CAKE - it is scientifically proven to help you through these early days, in fact I ate cake daily until DD was 3mths!

You are doing just fine, hang in there and it will get easier. 6 weeks really IS a turning point, not least because they normally start smiling around then :)

I remember when dd was about 4 weeks old and phoning my mum to "just come and take her or I'm going to end up putting her in the wheelie bin" - the advice another poster gave for your DH to take baby out for a walk just to give you a bit of breathing space is what I would say too. Also if you're up to it, put baby in the pram and go out for some fresh air - I did this a lot and think it saved my sanity (I also found the crying quieter outside, although she was pretty settled in her pram).

I would second all the brilliant words you have been given by other posters. You're doing brilliantly, keep posting x

have been there too - I remember sobbing most days when dh first went back to work after ds was born and wondering what on earth we had done to our very comfortable lives....

for me, the fog started to lift at about 6 weeks - our antenatal group came into its own and we met up regularly from then on. I also started feeling vaguely like I knew what I was doing.

the first few weeks are so hard - get all the help you can, and do get in touch with anyone local who has a small baby as it is such a relief to compare notes and realise you're all the same?

definitely spoil yourself - nice bubble bath, cakes, Starbucks - just something small every day.

I am not sure why I had DS1 (currently 2.4yo), as it is 80% hard work and only 20% of fun (I especially love when he is asleep :) ). I am now pregnant with DS2 and not really sure why I wanted the second baby. Oh, have remembered! I wanted my two DC to be of similar age, play nicely together and give mummy some rest!
Would I like to be childless again? No.... I don't think so!

I had kids because my biological clock and hormones over rode my common sense. The new born stage was the pits and I am nearly in tears at the prospect of DC2 making an appearance in the next week or so (what was I thinking????). DD aged 2.9 is a complete delight and bloody hard work but I wouldn't go back to my pre mummy life.

My DD was very much planned and wanted but I didn't really enjoy it much until she was about 4 months old and then it got better with every milestone. Ignore the people who say a newborn is easy. They were either lucky or they can't remember properly.

the newborn stage can be appalling, lots of people have a really tough time. With dd2 I actually did love the first 3 or 4 weeks as she was so peaceful and easily pacified, unlike dd1 who was a roaring grump-monster from day 1. But as dd2 found her voice and decided not to be asleep nearly all the time, and the sleep deprivation kicked in I went slightly barking once again. Much to my disgust! I thought I would have it sussed second time round. But hideous sleep deprivation does not lead to fun times, it's not altogether surprising. Just hang in there, get all the help you can, it will get better in time.

I wish I hadn't had ds2, because he is 11 weeks and does nothing but cry because of reflux.

We all go through it, but for the sake of your newborn baby try not to loose your temper around her and shout and swear. It must be awful for a little defenseless baby to hear that for the first time.

Sorry - I think I'm going soft in my old age. I know how hard it is and believe me I had my moments that I'm ashamed of now, but try to take your anguish away from your baby if you can. It will get better but it's nothing that anger will solve. If you can't control it, then you must MUST get some help and have a proper rest to recover.

i read in a sunday times magazine few months back from a fertility doc that some women after few rounds of ivf then fall pregnant have actually aborted the baby before 12 weeks as they realise they actually didn't want a baby after all and all the stress of getting there was so damaging emotionally that they couldn't go onto having the much wanted baby!

its tough, i have 2, turn 40 next year, severely shattered and emotionally drained yet i feel sad that i may never have another newborn... wtf?!!!

shouting and swearing is all part of relieving the tension though popzie?

OP shouted at her OH not at the baby and I think that's far better than keeping it bottled up?

i think OP is very typical of new Mums - she's a bit down and hormonal and can't see why she's got herself into this mess. That does not mean she is depressed/about to harm baby.

take it easy OP - get help from anyone you can (midwife/health visitor/friends/family/antenatal group/ postnatal group) and look after yourself. It will get easier - promise

I'm only just out of the newborn stage and I found it really, really hard! I think I cried every day for the first 6 weeks at least. Then I was counting down the days till 3 month mark as someone had old me that it got easier then. Cue DD crying all day everyday for another 2 weeks!

She is 4 months today and she is adorable, I am finally starting to really enjoy her. And I've got used the sleep deprivation!

The only thing that really helped me in the early weeks was going out with the pram - baby slept, fresh air helped me as did a look round the shops, and all lovely comments about DD from passersby helped too!

I spent 7 years ttc before I had my IVF twins,was told I could never do IVF again,now you'd think I relished every minute wouldn't you???? You'd be wrong-big time,hideous time,basically just got through it.

To be honest what's to like with a newborn? All those years ttc I never once thought what the early days would be like as all I wanted was a child. The good news is they're not newborns for long. This stage may not be your bag but you'll find your stage,to be honest I've enjoyed every stage but the newborn, even the terrible 2s.

In 6 months time you go into this honeymoon stage when they're sleeping,playing,gurgling but not yet mobile. Loved that stage so much so I got pg naturally when my dtwins were just 6 months. I rem dp saying "what if you get pg" and me saying " I love babies"!!!!!!!!!! I'd honestly forgotten all the hideous bits(of which there were many).Interestingly dp did too,soon came back to us when we had 3 under 16 months

nicky how are things? Any improvement?

Oh and shout and scream if you want to,I did,they're not scarred as they errrrr can't remember. I honestly thing babies are strong enough to cope with sobbing,shouty mums in the first few months.

For god's sake don't start beating yourself up re loosing it,you'll start on the mother guilt merry go round which won't do you any good. It's not ideal but it's soooo not the end of the world and sooooo many of us have been there,even mums you think haven't.

If you need to scream/sob do it into a pillow,if you don't make it to a private space(hollow laugh) just take a deep breath and carry on with things.It'll seem very trivial in 5 years time or so after having stuffed up a plenty over the years.

Your baby just needs cuddles from mummy and daddy,food,warmth at the moment.A perfect serene mummy really isn't needed or going to be remembered.

It will get better.

4 weeks is nothing. It takes a while for that feeling of omg! there's a .......baby! to go away! At first it is so all encompassing and overwhelming, or it can be.

ps, I totally agree with the otehrs, by four weeks you're exhausted, the adrenaline has gone, the reality is kicking in. It does get a bit better though. My dc1 started sleeeping through at 8 wks, and she smiled at 6 wks. HANG in there, and yes, eat cake! Totally agree with that one.

It gets better. Promise.

You do what you can to get through the first 6 weeks and bit by bit you WILL get your life back.

I really struggled with ds. In hindsight I seriously don't think my ds and I bonded until he was old enough to respond to me. I love babies - it's so easy to see them in pictures, pick out their cots in catalogues and dream of yourelves in this new spectacular family unit. But the reality is so very different.

Do what you need to do. Scream, cry, shout, swear, drink wine, eat chocolate, go running, plan for the future.

I found it comforting to plan for things like night classes a couple of months down the line, researching toddler groups and planning holidays - it gave me something to focus on. Something in the future that wasn't going to be shit and made me, well, me again.

Good luck :)

I just remembered, my dear mum when finding out I was pregnant expressed sympathy that I don't have her good fortune to have been living in the country, so don't have the option to run outside for a screaming session!

I have two - DS1 is 2.6 and DS2 is 9 months old and it's been hell. No other way of describing it. We had an awful time with DS1 who cried for the first 6 months of his life for no reason other than he is a little grump bag. DS2 had reflux for first 7 months of his life and I just spent the first 7 months of his life wiping up vomit, while screeching at DS1 to behave and not knowing if I was coming or going. BUT...

I'm really starting to enjoy them both now. DS1 has a wicked sense of humour and has a real love for people (so much so that his keyworker from his nursery for when he was a baby just left and gave him a special letter and he was the only one she gave something to). When he started to say 'I love you too, Mummy', I literally melted and suddenly realised why people do this. And all the cuddles he gives me... DS2 is so chilled out but clingy. He is happiest as long as I am carrying him around and the cuddles he gives me is just so, so lovely. The hard work is now mostly a distant memory (well, we still have bad days!).

However, I will NEVER EVER have another child as I seriously cannot bear the baby stage again. Seriously.

I struggled terribly with my ds now almost 3 and didn't really enjoy him for the first 18 months. I found it difficult to communicate with him until we could both understand each other. I'm now 12 weeks pregnant with no2 and although excited I am also dreading the baby stage. Not everyone is a baby person, I much prefer this stage even with my ds moods and occasional tantrums!

We had such a hellish time of it with dd that yes dh didn't want to do it again! I didn't particularly want to myself but nature is a cruel thing! In the end we had worked so hard over a yr and a half settling dd, she had had such a rotten birth, it wasn't her fault she was such an unsettled baby and we just wanted to give her a sibling so we went ahead and it was completely different second time.

TBH he's been such a relaxing baby that I can see we just had bad luck first time round with how things went. Don't worry, although it's too early to be thinking about baby number two, just like you my concerns were the same, would dh do it again? I remember mentioning my fears about it to my gp during my 6 week check up. It's all even out in time. Good luck

Why do people have a 2nd (or 3rd) baby?

Assuming its planned... they forget the hard bits, (although often if the first baby has been really hard it takes them a little longer to forget.)

Most babies by their first birthdays are sleeping all night, moving around, interacting and showing their personalities. By the second birthdays they are talking and are real little people.

I am not really a baby person but have been lucky to have chilled out babies. I wouldn't say I've enjoyed them being babies, even with a calm baby its a bit boring really.

Toddlerhood on the other hand is fun. You marvel when they marvel and its a lot, and my older DC, aged 6 and 4 are real people, and are wonderful.

for me the first 4 weeks were the worst,due to the fact that my baby was not getting enough food,bcoz those nazi breastfeeding nurses were forcing me to breastfeed when my DD couldn't latch on,the pressure from the nurses,my aching,huge,cracked boobs,hormones and a tiny little human being made it terrible,i had PND,it lasted maybe two weeks coz my hubby was watching me like a hawk and on it,and he was WONDERFUL,,was crying EVERY DAY,,then one day hubby went out,came back with some formula,a breastpump and we were ready to do it OUR WAY,,the baby slept for more than 4hrs that day,,after that it got better

at 2months she slept in her room and for the whole night,i don't wake up for feedings,she is four months now and a delight,,hang in there,it WILL GET BETTER,,and before you know it,you will be yearning for number 2

take some time to go out,get some fresh air,i found for me looking at walls made it worse,,you will be fine,,it will be better before you know it