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Parenting

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Original poster

The Astounding Disappearing DS - how do I stop him doing this?

37 replies

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 10:14

DS is 6yo. He is very independant, very sweet, very determined and very very easily distracted.

When we are out he often wanders off if he sees something that he finds interesting. There is no malice or intent to hide/annoy me - he is just sometimes in his own wee world.

Yesterday we were at a fun fair with DD (8yo) and friends whose children are the same age as ours.

DS constantly disappeared. Either running on ahead and not looking back or stopping to look at something. I spent most of the time making sure he was still there, or searching for him.

By the end of the afternoon he had to take my hand and walk with me (which he did not want to do).

Recently on holiday he disappeared at the beach, in the two minutes it took for me to take the towels out of the bag, put the blanket down and get my shoes off. He was away for about 20 minutes, by which time the life guards were searching the beach, I was almost going mad with worry. He was found further up the beach. He had gone down to the water and thought that the beach was a bit dirty where we were so had gone further up where the sand was cleaner. He was sitting digging in the sand, completely oblivious to the fact that we were all searching.

I really don't know what to do, short of tying him to my belt loops with a scarf.

It does not seem to get through to him that I worry when I cannot see him. We have talked about it. When we found him on the beach, I grabbed him and sobbed all over him and he was sorry that he had worried me but it has not made him more careful.

Any ideas?

OP posts:

colditz · 07/08/2010 10:16

Have you punished him for wandering off?

Original poster

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 10:18

Yes.

I have tried taking treats away and vetoing TV for the day.

He is not bothered.

OP posts:

robino · 07/08/2010 10:19

I don't really have any suggestions as to how to stop him but I do know that my mum had the same problem with my brother; think he just grew out of it in the end. What she did in the interim was to always dress him in red if we were going out so he was a) fairly easy to spot and b) she could just say "have you seen a little boy in red" and didn't have to think about what he was wearing.

Original poster

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 10:19

And I have to add, it is difficult to punish him because it is not deliberate naughtiness.

It is distraction, not paying attention. My brother was exactly the same, drove us all batty.

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2010 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 10:20

lol at dressing him in red.

I told DH at the beach that I am going to start carrying a photo of him with me. I described his swimming trunks wrongly.

Maybe I should dye his hair green.

OP posts:

Littlefish · 07/08/2010 10:23

I agree with swallowed - I think there needs to be a sanction every time he does it. The idea of him having to stay beside you for half an hour is a good one. However, you will have to be really consistent about doing it, until he becomes really bored with it happening. Hopefully this will eventually help him to think before he wanders off.

colditz · 07/08/2010 10:25

Hmmmmmm

Wrist strap?

swallowedAfly · 07/08/2010 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

colditz · 07/08/2010 10:27

To be honest, I deal with Ds1 simply by hanging onto him.

I can now mostly trust him not to wander out of a shop, but couldn't trust him in an open market - too interesting.

He also took off on a beach when he was 5.5, and I had to carry his 2 year old brother until I found him - about a mile away, throwing stones in the see and shouting at it joyfully.

Original poster

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 10:28

I have seriously thought about a wrist strap. I almost bought a scarf at the fairground yesterday.

Two things are stopping me:

He is 6yo. I need him to stop doing this, not tie him to me so he cannot.

We live in Switzerland where I have never ever seen anyone with a wrist strap, same as when we lived in Germany. They are seriously frowned upon here.

Perhaps a wrist strap to be used as punishment for 10 mins.

OP posts:

colditz · 07/08/2010 10:28

because dead ones are much more appealing, swallowedaFly?

colditz · 07/08/2010 10:31

You can get backpacks with little straps dangling out of them. cgi.ebay.co.uk/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=350375383489

Fill it with "Very important things that we need to take" then discreetly hang on to the strap.

If, as you say, he's not doing it to be naughty, he's going to struggle to stop himself so you need to physically stop him.

Original poster

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 10:31

I absolutely would use a wrist strap if I thought it would "train" him to turn around occasionally and look for me.

After the beach episode, I told him that he cannot just wander off without telling me where he is going.

So now he yells, "Going to see the dodgems, Mum" and is off, without looking to see if I have heard.

And is then indignant when I get on to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 10:32

Colditz
your DS sounds exactly like mine. He is simply oblivious to the fact that we are searching for him. He was happy as a clam, digging in the sand.

OP posts:

colditz · 07/08/2010 10:38

Ds1 is better now, the strap was just a matter of keeping him safe so he grew up to grow out of it - otherwise he'd have been under a bus.

If he's anything like ds1, he will relish the chance to contribute to general family helpfulness so put some cereal bars in the backpack and then when it's snack time you 'need' him. Also put one set of keys in it so you always 'need' him.

Original poster

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 10:45

That is very reassuring, Colditz.

Will look at getting a backpack or wrist strap when we are in Scotland.

OP posts:

Hassled · 07/08/2010 10:56

No advice but lots of sympathy - my DS3 (8) is similar. We were at the National Gallery this week - it was heaving, and DS3 was absolutely oblivious to where I was or who might be with him. At one stage I followed him, just to see how long it would take before he realised he was miles away from the rest of the family - I cracked after 5 minutes and hissed "you would be LOST if I hadn't followed you" at him. He looked genuinely surprised.

It's a tough call - one the one hand, you can't put the fear of God into your children by telling them there are psycho nutters on every corner, on the other hand you have to keep them safe and make them understand that need.

ThatPoshBirdBellavita · 07/08/2010 11:02

Mme - you have my full sympathy. DS2 was like this - he will be 11 in November. They do grow out of it but obviously at the time it seems like it goes on forever.

DS2 is such a free spirit and doesn't see danger at all.

Original poster

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 11:06

lol at following him, Hassled. I do believe I could follow him for hours without him noticing.

Actually, when I think about it, the first time I lost him he was only about 2yo and when I found him - in IKEA, sitting happily with one of the staff, a bright yellow balloon clasped in his grubby little hand - he told me off for getting lost.

If I say, "Once we have finished lunch we shall go to the loo", then he just heads off to the loo.

OP posts:

HuckingFell · 07/08/2010 11:12

tie helium balloons to him?

Poor you. Could you try an experiment where you both take turns to wander off and see how long it takes to find each other? Or insist that you have to say a special word to him before he goes off so he knows you have heard him?

CoupleofKooks · 07/08/2010 11:15

i would say if he can't stay within a safe distance and not run off without saying where he's going, then he would have to walk with me and hold hands, as you would with a very younger child
if i threaten my 7 year old with this it shames him into remembering to stay near
also set boundaries when you arrive somewhere
"you can go as far as the yellow bin, and to those trees. if you want to go further than that come and ask. if you find you can't see us, and you don't know where we are, meet us at this place here."
other than trying those, just sympathy, it sounds very wearing

Original poster

MmeLindt · 07/08/2010 11:22

Coupleofkooks
We have tried the giving him boundaries, and I have also made him walk with me.

Tbh, punishing him by making him walk with me does not help. I know it sounds like I am being soft, but it is difficult to explain. He is unaware of all that is going on around him.

I need to find ways of making him concentrate in certain situations, making him aware of where I am, where he is.

I like the idea of practicing getting lost, Hucking, and the code word.

OP posts:

colditz · 07/08/2010 11:22

MmmLindt, do you have any other concerns? What's his concentration like in general?

I only mention it because if I say "We're going to the shop in a minute!"

Ds2 will say "What are we going to buy? I need a wee. Can I have sweets?" but ds1 will go straight to the front door, open it, and walk out with no comment.

But Ds1 has ADHD (diagnosed by a huge team by the NHS)

zubin · 07/08/2010 11:27

My ds can be exactly the same, we have a wrist strap but have never actually had to use it - he wanders off once and he gets his warning the thought of being strapped to me 'like a baby' is enough to make him think. Also I have found saying stay where I can see you doesn't work as he has no concept of where I can see him, however reversing it to stay where you can see me does seem to work as he knows when he can or can't see me if that makes sense

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