Help - I can't look after 2 of them!

[CrazyOVERbaby]

I'm feeling really low today. I have a 2.5 dd and an 8wk old dd. I literally find myself unable to look after both of them at the same time. Take toady as an example. Went to playgroup with both of them. DD2 won't feed even though she's hungry cos she's in a new environment. Get home at lunch, try to put dd2 down for a much needed nap, but she won't cos she's hungry. Feed her, but then she won't sleep cos she's overtired. DD1 needs her lunch, can't get it for her. DD1 needs a wee, so goes in her potty, before trying to be helpful and putting down the loo. Obviously spills all over floor. Baby screaming, dd2 hungry and screaming. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole. HTF do I give them both what they need? Does it get any easier?

Can totally relate to what you are saying & promise you it does get easier! . Sadly no magic solutions to give you. Eventually I used to let DS2 scream for a bit while I sorted DS1 out. Hard to listen to but at least you can then try & sort the crying out when oldest 1 has had their needs met. I hope your day improves. Trust me you are not alone .

Oh yes there are definitely moments in the early days where you can't meet both their needs at the same time!! I was often chasing after my eldest while attempting to breastfeed the youngest. One or the other would just have to wait while I saw to the other.

It DOES get much, much easier. Even in another month or so the baby will be feeding a little less or more predictably which will make life easier. Plus you'll just find lots of little coping strategies as you go along.

Yes it gets easier!

I remember the stage you are at so clearly and it was nearly 12 years ago. I found it very very difficult so just try to keep going, make plans to get you out and about as often as possible. Don;t be tough on yourself.

If you can steel yourself to just putting DD2 down and letting her cry for a minute or two while you sort out DD1 you'll probably find life gets a little easier. It's hard to let a baby cry but you just need to accept that it's a necessary evil now and then.

No mum can wave a magic wand so work out what you can do and work with that. You don't have to feel guilty about not meeting both child's needs within seconds.

Meeting DD1's needs first may feel wrong but you need her to feel positive about her sister so that jealousy doesn't rear it's ugly head and make life even harder.

You will get used to this and you will find ways to cope. It feels like trying to push jelly up a hill at the moment but it does get better in time.

some things I found helped in the early days:
easy to prepare lunches, get ready as much as possible night before/morning - sometimes sandwiches for me and DS ready at breakfast time.

drinks ready to go in the fridge (would never have believed how difficult it would be to just get DS a drink at times!) and some mixed juice water individual cartons for DS for when out and about, to avoid faffing getting ready.

get a selection of toys ready for the next day the night before in an easily get-able place, that will help entertain DD whilst you are feeding DD2. - I even had a list written up of all the different toys/activities DS enjoyed playing with, as I could never think what to do with him when I had a spare 10mins, my brain was that frazzled, so I'd check my list and garb something different he hadn't played with for a while.

DD (DC2) had to fit in pretty much around DS but I'd work around feeds as much as I could too, when I knew I'd have a certain amount of time till the next feed. If you can be flexible with DD1 lunchtime, feed her and yourself once DD2 has had a feed - - we don't have a strict routine but generally lunch 12.30ish, but I'd be flexible half an hour either way if it made my life easier with DD's feeds.

Have a 2nd changing mat, nappies, wipes etc.downstairs.
oh, and cbeebies became my best friend for the first few months after having DD . (My PFB DS was never going to watch tv )

I'll never forget DS was potty training whilst DD was a few months old, and also has chronic constipation, so poos were a rarity. One day I'd just managed to settle DD in her cot for a nap, when DS was shouting very excitedly at the bottom of the stairs "mummy, I've had a poo, look!" and bless him, there he was holding out said poo in his hands to show me!

It really does get easier and now at 3.5yo and 15mo, it's fabulous watching them play together and build this special relationship.

I'm in the same boat - DD1 2.3 and DD2 6 weeks. This morning I had both of them screaming - DD1 insisting she wants to get dressed and pulling clothes out of the drawer while taking off her pooey nappy, DD2 screaming for a feed, me sopping wet in a towel just out of the shower! I just keep telling myself it will get easier (it must, surely...?!) I find myself staggering around the house with DD2 attached to boob while trying to make a cup of tea/get playdough out of DD1's nose/clear up the constant mess of toys etc etc

I agree with sometimes letting the baby cry - just for a few minutes while you sort out DD1, as often the toddler's needs are quicker to sort out then you can settle down to BF.

Does your DH help much? It sounds ridiculously lazy but my DH makes sandwiches for all three of us the night before-me, him and DD1- so at least all I have to do at lunchtime is grab her sarnie from the fridge and sling it on a plate in front of CBeebies I've also not cooked a proper evening meal since DD2 was born - either he does it when he gets in or we have something ridiculously simple like fresh pasta and sauce or pizza.

I also find if I give DD2 a big feed in the morning then throw them both in the pushchair and get out of the house as soon as she's finished, she will sleep for 2-3 hours and I can have some time with DD1 and wear her out in the playground.

Another thing I've discovered is trying to find activities I can do with DD1 on the coffee table while I'm feeding, like colouring, sticker books, jigsaws, building blocks etc.

I feel your pain!

It gets so much easier by 4 months (I found). I had a 15month age gap and at first I was trying so hard at sorting them both at the same time etc. As didn't like to leave the baby to cry. I ended up leaving the youngest to cry whilst I sorted out the elder when he needed something. It was a lot less stressful then (apart from hearing the crying ) Just do not expect too much of yourself yet...it takes time. I actually had to stop baby groups etc for a while/was v spradic at going to them, which lessened my stress as well. It will be so much easier in a couple of months though

It gets easier. Then you go and ruin it all by having another one and find yourself back in the same boat, but with three of them screaming!!

Well highlystrung, some people are just beyond help!!!!

Haha highlystrung...funny you should say that, I'm expecting no 3 so will have 3 under 3 I must have the memory of a sieve!

Just want to echo what other posters have said. Try and get organised the night before, have plenty of healthy snacks for DD1 like grapes, berries, raisins etc or snadwiches prepared that you can just give if trying to settle DD2. I used to get them both to bed and just end up going to bed myself as I was exhausted then I realised that what took me 15-30 minutes to organise at night saved me hours of stress during the day.

I have DD1 22mo and DD2 17wks and find the same, trying to see to ones needs while other is screaming, but it does get easier.

I find that plenty of floor time with both of them is a good thing, play blocks etc with DD1 with DD2 lying on the floor watching, my DDs love this and DD1 is always just trying to make DD1 laugh.

Can I suggest a sling/baby carrier? I don't want to worry you but I really struggled at 12-14 weeks when DD2 went through that really clingy stage and wanted held constantly, I could have screamed but just stuck her in baby carrier and she was happy. That all got much better when she was happier playing on the floor.

Now she's 17 weeks I just feel that it has got really easy, touch wood and that I can enjoy the time with both of them rather than willing away the day until bedtime!

It does get easier! x

I've been there too, potty training and breastfeeding at the same time. My only tip is a sling. I loved my moby wrap. It ment that dd2 didn't always have to be put down when dd1 needed me. I never realy managed hands free feeding but it supported her so I could move a round and do things with one hand. Oh and cbeebies.

there's 15 months between mine. They are now 11 & nearly 10.

It gets easier.

One day, this will all be a distant memory

Sorry that I can't give any examples of how things were, how I managed etc but. well. erm. I can't actually remember seriously. I'm not saying that to try to back up my distant memory thing I just remember nappies and crying and feeding and playing...

And more nappies.

Yes it does get easier!! I was in the same boat (plus DH going through chemo too). Must say it was all a bit of a blur. I do remember going on rather long drives after lunch to get both to sleep at same time... and then park up somewhere and cry thinking of all the chores to do at home! Was always touch and go whether the baby would stay asleep being lifted into cot ...

You will work out a routine that works for you ... and yes too to cbeebies....!

Hang in there, you are doing great.

stretchy wrap sling, lifesaver dd2 lived in hers for about 6 months. Meant you had hands free to cook, play, hold hands, push older one in buggy etc.

cbeebies yes, lowering standards yes, routine ish, used to feed the baby to the gunnels then straight out for a walk with pushchair round about 9am, baby nods off, older one to playgroup/toddlers/park/straight home - baby sleep in garden away from loud toddler, chum toddler till baby gets up.

weirdly i found saying mummy's hands are busy just a min, went down loads better than i'm just (whatever/) baby.

Snuggle the big one up with a (drink/biscuit, you too btw) when feeding the baby, then everyone is having a snack, seems to work.

When the baby is that small it is possible to have the toddler on your knee on one arm and the baby stacked on top to BF, mine seemed to like it.

sound familiar; we are surviving (just about) together! i have twin babies and a pre-schooler, she wants drinks, bottom wipes, attention, game participation, etc etc etc, and I tend to shove the babies on their play mat for quite long periods of time, or looking at their mobile in their cot, bless em. Some days I do the mornings she gets the attention, and afternoons they do. You feel guilty giving one your attention and neglecting the baby's needs, and vice versa! I have found building up a little list of phone numbers quite helpful - every so often I ring other mums to arrange playdates to keep her occupied and let me concentrate on the babies. I also bought loads of garden games to be able to say 'go play' a little easier, although the rain has put paid to that. We also do baby baths and nappies together, and the babies often get a fair bit of stimulation by sitting in their bouncers next to her whilst we do cooking or a game or whatever. It's so hard.

Oh, I do sympathise!

It gets better, but it wasn't sustainably easier for me until my DD was walking with a degree of stability. The initial independent steps were a false dawn as a) she kept falling over b) DS kept tripping her up for what can only be described as his own entertainment.

So ... you're at 2.5yrs and 8 wks. Very tough. It probably won't be any tougher than this (although watch out for feelings of complete crapness and despair in April 2010). I predict you'll have a lovely spell in about 12 weeks (DD2 sits up and holds stuff / DD1 enjoys passing her toys and making her laugh), but that bit then segued into quite a difficult period when my elder child decided to test every known boundary. Just as I was getting through that, the baby wanted to walk everywhere (screaming if this was denied), but needed help. This effectively took up both my hands, which then led to DS's escapologist phase.

I was clear by 14 months. By clear, I mean: really happy and doing very well. I thought I was doomed at 8 weeks. 11 months was also pretty shite.

I hope this isn't just the worst possible thing I could write. I was immensely comforted by other people telling me how overwhelmed they'd felt when no.2 arrived, you see.

Erm, so some advice as well: lots of good stuff on here. I also used to make DD's feeding times a mini treat for DS. That was a lifesaver. He could watch whatever terrible crap he wanted to on tv and eat something vile and sticky (although I'm still living with the bad habits it created, so proceed with caution).

He also liked me having a wee moan about DD, and asking for 'advice' when she was crying. I would say something like, "DD is making lots of noise, isn't she? It makes my ears hurt. Do you think she might be hungry or tired? She's only a little baby who doesn't know how to make herself happy, so we should try to help her." ... and then he would heartily agree that she was noisy and annoying, then make a helpful suggestion like, "Why don't we leave her here and go out to the park?". We discussed why this wasn't such a good idea and he soon realised that feeding or cuddling her was a quicker solution. In fact, on the occasions I was irritable with her (not proud of it, but there you go), he would then parrot my recommendations back to me, reminding me she was just a little baby etc.

Mainly, though, be kind to yourself. It's difficult x

OP, I felt the same way when mine were much the same ages. Rest assured, you are doing way, way better than you think you are. Take it easy on yourself and don't expect to be able to do everything the instant it needs to be done. As several others have said, a sling is a total lifesaver at this time.
Oh and try your hardest to put a positive spin on everything that happens during the day. Focus not on what you feel you should be doing, but on what you ARE getting done.
It gets easier. Hang in there

Good news: You have probably hit rock bottom when it comes to have two with that sort of age gap. It will only get better from now on... I hit my rock bottom when DS1 was almost 2 and DS2 6 weeks old. I remembered it very clearly, I was at our regular playgroup Christmas party: DS1 was particularly foul due to teething, DS2 was at that stage of no routine and I have no idea what he wanted (Hunger? Nappy? None of the above???) and I was down with a cold. I literally wanted to put my head down and cry at the toddler group and wave a white flag screaming 'I don't want to be a mummy anymore!'

The first six months were pretty much hell. DS1 was still going to his excellent nursery 3 days a week and when DS2 turned 6 months old, I battled with mummy guilt and when he turned 7 months old, I finally caved in and put DS2 in nursery one day a week so I could get a break. I don't know if it is that one day break but suddenly everything became easier to deal with.

Two months now, things are so much better that we're cutting DS1's nursery days to 2 days a week with DS2 still going one day so I get a break. I know I am very lucky we can afford to do this. While I felt very guilty putting DS2 into nursery, in fact, he has really benefitted from it. He loves the other children and all the toys there and the staff fussing over him. When he is at home with me, he gets left a lot while I catch up with chores. I am also excited about being able to do more with them, I plan to take them out more etc as they get older and easier to manage.

It WILL get easier. It's all about survival at the stage you are at. Don't feel guilty about it, your DCs won't remember much of this time and in a year, you will be wondering what the stress was all about! In the meantime, get as much help as you can afford or beg for (a good friend used to come and take my DS1 out to play group in the early days if I just couldn't get out of the house in the morning): my reasoning was that yes, we are paying out for help with things I could do myself but if I have a breakdown or unhappy or DH and I split up due to the stress, then it's worth every penny paying for help!

Thanks guys, you all made me feel so much better. Am hugely appriciative to all of you. Thanks for taking the time to share. Oooh I'm coming on all emotional. Well, there's a change!! xxx

It really does get easier!

I found the change from 1 to 2 incredibly hard. I remember thinking when my 2 dds were similar ages to yours or maybe a bit older, that I wasn't meeting either of their needs. But I obviously did and they are now 9 and 7.5. Looking back, that first year was just a blur and I just muddled through like anybody else.

Your dd2 is really little and it's very early days so give yourself a break. Try and keep a sense of perspective if you can and accept that there's going to me mess, spillages, often someone crying etc. In time you'll get more into a routine and find what works for you. At the moment they have very different needs but in less than a year they will probably be eating the same thing, going to bed at the same time etc. It WILL get easier.

Good luck!

Yep, it does get sooooooo much easier! I second the stretchy wrap suggestion--mine is my absolute favorite posession ever. DD2 lived in it for 6 months and is still in it pretty often now.

I had another little hard stage around 6 months when DD2 started eating, so mealtimes were a bit more intense. Plus she was in the near-crawling frustration stage at that point and I couldn't get anything done. But it passed in a couple of weeks and my floors were eventually mopped again.

The best thing is that it gets so much more FUN the second time around. The kids really started to enjoy each other when DD2 started sitting up, and the running commentary from DD1 just cracks me up!

You'll get there--don't worry just try to enjoy the ride.

Also--the fact that you actually manage to get your two kids out to playgroup by 8 weeks? Heroic. You're already winning.

I too had days where I could of written your exact post.

DD2 is 11 weeks and DD1 was 2 last week.

There are days when its sooo tough, Ill admit to having a few tears thinking I really cant do this!

I agree with the others in saying sometimes its ok to let baby cry for a few minutes to sort out your toddler.
A friend told me to rememeber that baby wont rememeber crying for a few miuntes but the toddler will remember and it can causes extra jealousy.

Also agree with Cbeebies or the like. Sometimes DD1 and I will snuggle up on the sofa together to watch a programme whilst im feeding dd2. We also share books together too.

I find my hardest time is teatime. We all eat together when DH comes in from work so i get dinner ready for when he gets in.
DD1 is starting to get tired and you can guarantee that DD2 will want a feed just as im cooking! After 3 nights of attempting Shepherds pie and only getting as far as boiling a pan of water, we now have stockpiles of pasta and quick stuff for those tricky days. Either that or takeaway!

Now DD2 is beginning to get more interested in toys and lays on her playgym, DD1 likes to lay under there too, showing her the toys.

I also do the same as Druzhok. I think its good for them to know that sometimes you get frustrated with them too rather than think that the baby is perfect and gets all your attention.
Discussing what baby needs too is good. Everytime DD2 crys, DD1 now tells me that DD2 wants some milk.

Getting out is good, We have continued to go to DD1's regular toddler groups to keep her routine abit. Plus shes gets to play with friends without needing me all the time.
I shocked myself at going when DD2 was only 2 weeks but found it nice for DD1 and nice for me to have a nice 'adult' conversation!

I just keep thinking it will be all worth it in the end, when in a few years they will be occuping each other, giving you abit (only abit!) of sanity/peace back!

Definately do come and moan away on here... we all feel the same