Gina Ford Bored

[Layla72]

First time here and desperate. Roughly started CLB book routine since my son was 2 weeks now he's 5 weeks and I am stressed, upset as well as anxious (which I have never had before except before exams!) I feel I am not enjoying him just waking him up cranky, feeding, forcing 1hr of play etc. HELP! Has anyone else come off it? I feel that I need something loosely to follow but not regimental like this. He his putting on weight and wakes once a night but now cranky in evening - how do I loosen the routine?

@ mrs

I suppose the thing I like about Gina Ford is what many people seem to hate. I like the specificity of her bossiness - she gives a clear set of instructions that you can use, adapt, ignore as you choose, and as your baby chooses.

She says "don't put baby down asleep", I say "WTF?" and ignore that bit.

She says babies sleep better in darkened rooms. This was true of dd1, not of dd2, but trying it was worthwhile and almost hassle free.

She gives specific times for naps and daytime sleeps that I have found invaluable with both dds, even though they need different amounts of sleep.

In late pregnancy/early days with dd1 I had no use for parenting treatises. I just (unlike most people on mn who seem get annoyed and affronted by it) wanted advice, preferably specific advice, didn't care if it was unsolicited.

Gina Ford can write "must", but it's a book, not the law. All my aunties can tell me to take the baby into bed, but I can decide I'm not comfortable with that. The HV can give me leaflets about weaning with mush and I can think "no, what some mothers on mn are doing with blw makes more sense to me".

I don't understand why people get angry with books because the early days of having a baby are confusing and stressful.

I think this sentence sums it up-

"I read Gina Ford before DS1 and it really appealed to me as I love routine myself. Unfortunately, DS1 was a nightmare"

The baby wasn't a nightmare, he was a baby - but reading GF before birth gives people false expectations. Some babies do fit intot he routines - some don't. But they are not nightmares if they don't - they are just not that sort of baby!

So is it better for mothers-to-be to avoid reading books before the baby is born?

Not a rhetorical question (or a sarcastic one)

Is it better to go into this thing with only instinct to guide you?

What about the expectations and lessons learnt from friends and family?

My niece was a ridiculously easy baby so DH got some pretty unrealistc messages from her. Or so I thought. In fact her cousins (my dds) aren't entirely dissimilar. My sister got the kind of babies I was familiar with from my family - non-sleeping screamers.

From memory having read CLB when/before DS was born, it was something like

08:00 Feed baby for precisely 15 minutes
08:15 Express milk while eating one slice of buttered wholemeal toast
08:30 [etc.]

and I couldn't see how anyone could run their day that specifically. There didn't seem to be any allowance for the general randomness of life with a baby (or life without a baby, for that matter). And none of it would have worked with DS anyway as he was ill with whooping cough and as often as not when I'd fed him he'd have a coughing fit that triggered vomiting spasms and would sick the entire feed back up again, so I'd have to sigh and feed him again (was great for my weight loss, admittedly -- like breastfeeding twins...). Routine was not something that impinged hugely on our lives. And then he turned out OK and worked out his own routine over time, so I had the confidence when DD came along that she'd settle into her own routine too.

Maybe the Mumsnet book on babies should be allowed before birth but none of the others...

As far as books go I'm a big fan of Sleepsense, they also wrote Babysense, which is a fixer book and a flexible book because it tells you about how to manage your expectations not your baby.
I liked the GF book because it gave me permission to shower and eat, which in the early days I think I needed someone to do as I wasn't caring for myself just my child, a hang over from the worry of hospital admission for him when so young.
I didn't follow the routine properly or for long as my son needed to be flexible about sleeping and was a real grump about being woken and still is to this day, so I eventually just used it as a guide, then found the book I mention above and used that instead.
I used the book I like from 6-weeks and I'm still refering to it today, at 15-months old.

Gina Ford is really writing for the parents? benefit rather than the baby?s, a lot of what she says is so the mum can have some structure to her life by imposing a structure on the baby ? most adults like, or at least are used to, a certain amount of routine.

The problem is that while some babies fit into this mould, some don?t, and most fit somewhere in between so following a particularly prescriptive book will help some people and drive others mad. There really isn?t a one-size-fits-all where babies are concerned.

And anyone who thinks having a small baby in the house isn?t going to change their lives in a fairly profound way is, IMHO, living in cloud cuckoo land.

Some people love this book, some people take the bits they like, some people hate it (although I often find that the people who really hate it are often the people who have not actually read it). It is just a book. Gina will not come and get you if you decide not to follow it!

I'm the sort of person who likes routine so I've got this and the Babywhisperer book. We'll find out next week how it all works in practice!

The fact that GF has seen thousands of babies works for and against her.

She is probably very practised at reading the signs so can adapt her own routine to any baby, but forgets that most new parents can't read those signals and get into a fluster trying to follow it.

The average patterns from thousands of babies are just that - an average. Each baby is different and I think that's a point which isn't stressed enough, or something that maybe she herself has forgotten.

Finally thousands of babies that aren't yours are nothing like one that is. In many ways it's easier to be more relaxed/confident about a baby you don't have a maternal bond with - which isn't to say you're not attached to them/want to leave them to cry/know exactly what to do.

If I wrote a book after the first newborn I nannied, the first MN job I took and now they'd probably all be jolly different. And they'll be profoundly different after I've actually had a baby myself!

Totally agree vivelafrank

I also think it's one of the most appalingly written and laid out books I've ever come across. It is littered with mistakes (eg the words conflicting with the routines, the times for routines not following through from one week to another). The over riding message for flexibility and adaptability is in there, but I'm not surprised that a lot of people miss it. And I'm one of gina's fans!

By the by, wonder where the op has gone?

Why has no one chimed in yet with 'but the baby hasn't read the baby books?'

Can I be the first?

I think I vividly remember throwing ALL the sodding baby books down the stairs when colicky DS was born.... yes, and that means you, too, Dr. Sears!!!!

The problem is, no one knows how to look afer your baby. When you first have one you think you are being incompetent and that there are rules out there that you should follow and every other mother knows. This is not true, throw the books away after a quick read and do what you think is best.

I wish I had, instead of turning into a neurotic mess looking for the answers. There are no answers.

Its hard and at times your baby wont sleep when its tired or won't stop crying - just deal with it the best way for you.

Just from MY experience;

• Cuddling to sleep will not damage the baby.
• If you don't want to, don't let him cry
• Feeding him a bit earlier because hes hungry will make no difference.
• He will get into some routine on his own, he is very young and this time will all be a blur

Dear All

Can't tell you how grateful I am for all the chat. Think as a first time parent myself, despite looking after nieces and nephews from birth, I was looking for structure. Ironically I am always late and never was a good timekeeper so what example was I setting my son with GF?

Agree there are pros and cons. It's not for me and 2 days ago I stopped. Guess what? He's much happier when he wakes up NATURALLY! For the first time yesterday, he awoke from his nap with eyes wide and expectant - no gruppiness.

Thanks all and look forward to reading other discussions as time goes by.

PS This has been a tremendous help and wish NCT would give this website as compulsory reading!

Ah layla, really pleased you've found the confidence to try your own way, glad it's working out.

Totally agree that the nct education is nothing compared to a few hours (ahem, possibly more in my case) on mumsnet!

I am so pleased for you - this time passes so quickly, you should be following the pattern that suits you and your baby -not being ruled by a book.

Relax and do what you feel or work out is right for you both. I like others in the thread cuddled /rocked by babies to sleep. I co -slept and did the exact opposite of that book.
I loved every second of it - it felt natural - my children still managed to find their own routine and sleep beatifully to this day ( although to be fair it did take longer then 6 weeks to get to this state )

Enjoy your baby - this time is over in a flash...

layla so glad you are finding your own way! We all have different babies, are different people ourselves - so of course, we will all parent differently and our babies will respond in their own unique way.

(But MN is still a great place to visit if you want to swap hints and tips )