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Original poster

Poor little boy not invited to party!

76 replies

herecomesthesun · 26/07/2010 18:04

I have a group of baby group friends that I met when DD (almost 3) was a couple of months old, parties and (childrens) social occasions mainly consist of just the baby group and our children and we are quite close knit.

Anyway an invitation arrived for one of the baby groups child's 3rd birthday party and it was addressed only to DD who is 3 but not to DS who is 2 and has grown up with all of these people and their children, I thought this strange and perhaps a mistake but we went to the party, I never go anywhere without both and it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't do this but at the party there werent' enough chairs for all of the children, I didn't think anything of this at the time but then at the end of the party there was only a party bag for DD and not for DS. I am totally shocked that someone could invite one of my children but not the other who they have all grown up with and they all love, I just can't understand it. Also they all love him it's not as though he is naughty in anyway. I had to stop at the shop on the way out as couldn't have had one child with a party bag full of treats and the other with nothing.

I considered saying something but what would I say? A mutual friend was there as I was leaving and was as shocked as me about this.

I was thinking that maybe it's time to just break off a bit from these things with children getting older and nearer to school age etc.

Any thoughts/advice?

OP posts:

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teaandcakeplease · 26/07/2010 20:50

YANBU in your situation, as your son has always gone to everything with your DD with this group of friends, so you naturally thought he'd be invited as well. I'm a lone parent with 2 DCs close in age, I would have thought exactly the same and would have been so embarrassed if I'd taken both to realise one wasn't invited

I agree with MarineIguana and Ponders thoughts too.

As others have said, things will change as they grow but given your situation and ages of children YANBU.

No need to break off from doing things like party's, just check with the host in the future if one childs name isn't on the invite

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/07/2010 20:50

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TurtleAnn · 26/07/2010 20:50

I didn't say better I said nicer.
I think it is cruel not to invite a child to a party. Especially when we get so much abuse for letting them cry it out in the bedrooms causing emotional damage.
They're kids, water is free, cake can easily go round, sausages are 10 a penny and the park is free.
They were 3 and 2-yr olds, the extra work involved would have been negligable.
Its not nice to do that to a parent, when the alternative is for the child of 3 who does understand that she didnt go, to be forced to miss out on a party, thus causing future emotional damage, just because Mum was forced into a situation where she couldn't afford childcare, making a sensible decision since leaving your child with a new carer is a tough decision even when you only have 1.

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LouAnnVanHouten · 26/07/2010 20:54

Its not always fair on the birthday child if instead of having a party with their friends they have a party with a few friends plus a load of random toddlers and bigger dcs. Some children really look forward to their party and don't want people who they don't know taking the paper off on pass the parcel before the music has stopped and crying when they are out in the games. Not really the case with the OP but in general. I have 3 dcs so paying for extra guests and party bags 3 times a year is a big deal. They all have winter birthdays so all their parties are inside (some at home some at soft play).

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/07/2010 20:58

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whatagradeA · 26/07/2010 21:01

My DD is 3and a half and DS 18months and we have a group of friends ranging from DS to some starting school in September.

This summer was the first time DD has been invited to parties without DS being included but luckily the mum pointed it out to me on the first one ('we had to just invite the girls to keep numbers reasonable') or I would've done exactly the same as you with the invite and assumed it was both then lost it in the toy room

I was also aware of this kind of situation from MN so wasn't put out by it at all. She's been to a couple on her own now, but is very sweet and shares her party bag with her brother when she gets home! The next party invite is only for DD as well but it's at soft play and we'll take DS along and pay for him as others have mentioned. The mum is actually DS's godmother and a very good friend and she even offered to pay for him (just to play not for food and party bag IYSWIM) but I'm quite happy that it's dd's friend and it's nice that they're happy for us to take DS.

undercovamutha · 26/07/2010 21:04

YWNBU to have thought your DS was invited, but it is totally understandable that he was not.

FWIW I have a number of 'baby group friends' who now have 2 children. I am currently organising DD's 4th bday party, and have invited both children of each of these close friends, as DD has known them since they were born. However, I have not invited any other siblings and would be a bit if any turned up tbh.

I do think however it is an awkward time (between about 3 and 6yo I guess) where you have to go with your DS or DD to parties cos they're not old enough to be left, but are not expected to take your other child(ren). Very difficult if you are stuck for childcare/a LP.

heathermumof3 · 26/07/2010 21:06

im sorry I don't think UNREASONABLE if he was involved in the group of friends and he is always there I would have expected him to be involved sorry.

whatagradeA · 26/07/2010 21:07

Has anyone noticed that this isn't in AIBU?! OP was asking for thoughts and advice and everyone's giving it YANBU/YABU

Wordsonascreen · 26/07/2010 21:08

Emotional damage

Arf Arf

MarineIguana · 26/07/2010 21:10

I hadn't noticed! I thought it was AIBU.

Just shows the irresistible delights of declaring YABU/YANBU - I'm probably going to start saying it in daily RL conversation sooner or later. Probably in a few years the whole word will.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/07/2010 21:11

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teaandcakeplease · 26/07/2010 21:11

LOL I hadn't noticed either! Oops sorry herecomesthesun

runnybottom · 26/07/2010 21:11

Advice is it? My advice is to grow up, get a grip, and join the real world.

megapixels · 26/07/2010 21:12

YANBU to think it was a mistake and go along with your DS. It seems to be acceptable though to leave out children, I can't understand it, especially if you are friends as a family unit (i.e., it's not just your daughter and the birthday child who are friends but the adults are friends too and siblings play together). I think you need to get used to this though, sadly.

Our parties are always a mix of all ages. I can't understand the fixation for everyone to be the same age, or, even worse, the same age and same sex too. It's so boring.

activate · 26/07/2010 21:14

but why didn't you call the host to check?

clam · 26/07/2010 21:33

I think the OP is over-reacting a bit, unless the "poor little boy" bit was tongue-in-cheek. It's only a party after all, your DS did go, and even if he hadn't, he would hardly have been gutted about it, at 2yo. Unless he picked up your angst on the subject.
But, I'm wondering if the hostess ought to have been a bit more up-front about making it clear she was only inviting your DD. It's obvious it was intentional, as she only stated the one name on the invite and on the thankyou letter. Pointed, even. So, if she was stepping outside normal practice for the group, she ought really to have had the guts to say something personally, rather than hoping you'd notice on the invite.
Hope she isn't mouthing off to the others about you!

TurtleAnn · 26/07/2010 21:33

What's tabu and aibu, I don't haunt this website very often.

whatagradeA · 26/07/2010 21:40

Am I Being Unreasonable is a topic where you can ask that very question, about anything and people will be brutally honest with you! The answers are You Are (Not) Being Unreasonable YABU/YANBU.

Bowddee · 26/07/2010 21:41

It happened to me at DS's party. It was clearly a 'drop & run' party but one mum kept saying 'is it OK if I stay?'. I eventually agreed, but she turned up with her younger DD in tow who joined in and expected a party bag at the end. I was absolutely LIVID.

I now know that she turns up with DD in tow to any party her DS is invited to. Guess who won't be invited to any more parties.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/07/2010 21:47

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EvilTwins · 26/07/2010 21:53

This is a tricky one. I had my DTD's 4th party recently, and three friends brought younger siblings along. One had been invited (she's 2.5) , as they live a couple of hours away and I knew the whole family would be coming (the Mum's sister lives near me, and I knew they were planning on vising her too) The other two (both 1.5) weren't invited, exactly, but both mums had asked me if it was OK to bring them along. I assumed that they would be bringing the younger children but that they wouldn't be joining in with the 4yr olds (1.5 not exactly the best age for musical islands or pass the parcel with 4 yr old children) so I did little party bags for them, but didn't count them in with games etc. Unfortunatley that led to problems as one of the 1.5 yr olds did want to join in, which left us short of a few things (balloons, seats at party food time, prizes at game time) Lesson learned.

I did feel a bit put out - both mums (good friends of mine) knew that their younger children weren't really invited, but one behaved as if she was.

Madmom80 · 26/07/2010 21:55

No way. My dads younger kids have been brought up like this. If its ones birthday the other gets a present to it. Kids need to learn that they cant have everything the other one has or they grow up spoilt.

YunoYurbubson · 27/07/2010 05:24

I have just remembered.

The last party 4yo dd was invited to came addressed just to her. I had no childcare for 2yo ds and for various reasons strongly suspected that the host's mother wouldn't mind ds coming along. I phoned to ask if it would be okay and she was quite surprised I'd even asked - of course I could bring ds, my friend she knew I had no childcare for ds and assumed he would be coming and was welcome to do so. The invitation was something between the birthday girl and her friend, my dd, and accordingly was addressed to just dd. Practicality and friendship meant that of course ds was expected to come too (and he was given a party bag, not that I expected one for him).

Thought I'd add that for everyone expressing shock that the OP didn't get "the clue" that the invitation was to one child only.

2babyblues · 27/07/2010 14:01

I think as the party was for a 3 year old where you would not be able to leave her YANBU. Especially, as your friends no doubt are aware that you have no one to look after your youngest. They are meant to be your friends it is not like it is someone that you don't know that well like preschool friend or something. Sounds like they are being inconsiderate.

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