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Original poster

Poor little boy not invited to party!

76 replies

herecomesthesun · 26/07/2010 18:04

I have a group of baby group friends that I met when DD (almost 3) was a couple of months old, parties and (childrens) social occasions mainly consist of just the baby group and our children and we are quite close knit.

Anyway an invitation arrived for one of the baby groups child's 3rd birthday party and it was addressed only to DD who is 3 but not to DS who is 2 and has grown up with all of these people and their children, I thought this strange and perhaps a mistake but we went to the party, I never go anywhere without both and it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't do this but at the party there werent' enough chairs for all of the children, I didn't think anything of this at the time but then at the end of the party there was only a party bag for DD and not for DS. I am totally shocked that someone could invite one of my children but not the other who they have all grown up with and they all love, I just can't understand it. Also they all love him it's not as though he is naughty in anyway. I had to stop at the shop on the way out as couldn't have had one child with a party bag full of treats and the other with nothing.

I considered saying something but what would I say? A mutual friend was there as I was leaving and was as shocked as me about this.

I was thinking that maybe it's time to just break off a bit from these things with children getting older and nearer to school age etc.

Any thoughts/advice?

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gingerkirsty · 26/07/2010 19:33

If this is a group of friends you know that well, do you need to stay with your DD? I am assuming that in future if DS is not invited to a party you would be able to arrange with another parent to keep an eye on DD for you, with you just dropping off and picking up?

muddleduck · 26/07/2010 19:35

A group of (friendly) mums and I had a chat about this at a party a few weeks ago.

The party was for a 5 year old. I had not brought my (univited) 3 year old but several of the others had brought younger siblings along. I asked the general question of when did they think it was ok to 'just bring along' a sibling. The general consensus was that it was absolutely fine to bring along a very young child as long as you did expect them to be catered for and to join in with all the activities, but that I was right to not bring ds2 who would have expected 'a seat at the table'.

In your case I can see why you'd be put out as it seemed like your lo was the only one excluded, and if I'd been the host I would have invited both your dc.

onepieceoflollipop · 26/07/2010 19:38

This can be really tricky. I have an almost 3 year old and a 6 year old dd.

with dd2 it is her party soon, shared with a close friend. The other mother and I have had to be quite selective re the invitations. A lot of my dd2's friends and her ds's friends have older siblings. Many of these families are known to bring the entire family when they attend parties. That is only part of the problem. Many of the older siblings are not able to behave appropriately at a younger child's party.

as others have said, this creates cost implication, party bags, extra food, going "over numbers" at the venue etc.

I appreciate what you say about not having alternative care for your younger dc. In our case I work shifts so dh often takes the dcs to parties. We find it best to be upfront re invitations. Sometimes the host is realistic too. For example dd2 was invited to a softplay type party. The mother said openly that it was open to the public and we were most welcome to bring older dd but would need to pay for her.

Often dh and I try to juggle things so that dd1 and dd2 have their "own" social lives and don't tag along regardless to parties they have not been invited to. If not possible I would say politely to the host that dd1 cannot attend as we don't have childcare for dd2. If host is able to be flexible then they may well say that the other child can attend if we pay (or some other solution). However we make it very clear that we are not angling for another invitation.

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Ponders · 26/07/2010 19:39

I can understand why you acted as you did - for one thing, how many 3-yr-olds stay at a party without a parent there? If you don't have someone to leave the younger child with, are you supposed to make the older one miss the party?

As they get older this will gradually be less & less of an issue; still, at least you know now & will be prepared next time!

Don't feel bad - I don't think you were unreasonable

edam · 26/07/2010 19:40

I can see why it caught you out if it's not the way this group of friends have done things before. Would have been much better if the mother could have explained. But they are reaching the age where only one of them will be invited to parties.

I had TWO uninvited children turn up to ds's third. Was not impressed as I didn't know them and one of them the excuse was 'he's been excluded from school today'! On the other hand, have often invited elder siblings because ds is friends with them too and it's been in a hall big enough for everyone. But they've had actual invites with their names on. And it is far more expensive with food and party bags.

This year it was only kids in his class, not older siblings, partly because we had a maximum number for that activity and partly because we just can't afford to cater for 36 children (which is what we ended up with last year when we invited siblings).

cathers · 26/07/2010 19:51

Sorry, but I think YABU. I can understand that perhaps you thought both DC should have been invited, but the invition only stated one name.

I had DS 5th party recently and had a sister of one of his friends brought along by the mother and father. All three stayed for the party, ate food, took a party bag for their DD, and took part in all the games!Caused a fair amount of upset, a) Because DS didn't particulary want a 3 yr old girl at his party who cried when she 'lost'!
b)Because everyone else had taken their siblings home / arranged childcare c) I didn't appreciate catering for 3 more and having to find substitutes for my DS friend who was invite, after said girl took his part bag home!

Sadly, won't be inviting this friend to anymore parties.

usualsuspect · 26/07/2010 19:57

Seems strange to leave him out to me, under the circumstances ..YANBU

TurtleAnn · 26/07/2010 20:29

Sorry to go against the grain (realising my kids will never get invited out ever) but its free for all at my house. I only have 1, but every one and their dog is invited to mine. If I were in your shoes, I would have made the same mistake.
When did it become about the expense of party bags? and the number of chairs? Or the presents you take with you and expect to receive back? How much more would the clown have charged for 1 extra 2-yr old? And yeah I know, what with water meters and all, it would be a huge cost to give a 2-yr old a drink!!! I wouldn't leave my kids at a party and expect the host to provide free babysitting, I would in fact expect to be a full hands on member of the catering team and entertainment crew, and nappy/ toileting party.
Can't it just be a birthday party? I live in Central London, maybe people are just nicer in my area?

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/07/2010 20:33

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usualsuspect · 26/07/2010 20:34

I didn't think the party was at a soft play place

Ponders · 26/07/2010 20:37

maybe Turtle likes to have a small child's birthday party at - shock horror - home instead of paying an inflated amount for a nightmarish couple of hours in soft play?? 1 extra child costs almost nothing then.

When mine were small that's what we did, & I always made a few extra party bags - if we didn't need them we all got a bit more chocolate!

usualsuspect · 26/07/2010 20:37

And if both children were invited would you really be expected to take 2 presents ? Do people really expect that ..

TurtleAnn · 26/07/2010 20:38

I'm a SAHM on a budget who bakes her own cakes and makes her own party bags from recycled gift wrap. Yes, I live in a nice area but £10. is alot of money to me too.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/07/2010 20:39

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MarineIguana · 26/07/2010 20:39

YANBU at all! I'm amazed at all these YABUs. Yes, when you have an 8yo DD you wouldn't expect the little brother to be invited along, but they are 3 and 2 and you haven't got anyone to leave the 2yo with, of course you're going to bring him.

They should have invited him IMO, but as they didn't, I don't think you should necessarily expect a party bag - in your shoes I would have just played that part down and distracted him, or told them it was for them to share.

It's siblings a-go-go at our house when there's a party. We don't invite a lot of children, but siblings can definitely come too.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/07/2010 20:40

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usualsuspect · 26/07/2010 20:41

Me too ..all unexpected guests welcome in my house ...all this competitive partying is too much for me ..I never gave a toss how much was spent on the presents ..I'm quite shocked at those posts tbh

KERALA1 · 26/07/2010 20:41

Turtle do most of your friends also have one? Because its all very well to be cool and welcoming but try inviting 10 carefully chosen 4 year old girls to your house and planning age appropriate games/food/chairs etc then finding yourself having to deal with 10 additional 2 year olds. Eek! Glad you would be so relaxed about that it would stress me out!

The other angle against bringing siblings is what they enjoy doing. Four year olds seem to like dancing/pin tail on donkey etc all this way over the head of your average 20 monther.

TurtleAnn · 26/07/2010 20:42

Thanks, I've never been part of the 'holier than thou' crowd before.
I just don't think OP made a mistake and I'm shocked by the responses on here telling her she did.

MarineIguana · 26/07/2010 20:42

I also do extra party bags and make sure I always have a few extra prizes and random tat around - it costs very little. You can buy things like rubbers, plastic animals, funky pens and mini choc bars in multipacks so you tend to have spare anyway.

I'm not holier than thou! I'm cheaper than thou.

Ponders · 26/07/2010 20:44

maybe, Kerala, but this was 3-yr-olds, & a 2-yr-old who has always been included before.

If it was about space & budget that's fair enough but IMO the host should have said something beforehand.

TurtleAnn · 26/07/2010 20:45

Well to be fair, I prefer parks for parties as I only have a 2-bed flat, but I do have a yard and all are welcome. My house can fit about 20 people, its a squeeze but the door is always open. No, I have friends who have siblings and they are welcome.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/07/2010 20:46

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QuantaCosta · 26/07/2010 20:47

Also, if as time goes by, you have to take an uninvited child you need to ensure that they know that it is their sibling who has been invited and therefore not to expect food (I take a few snacks or treats for the uninvitee) or party bags because it's not 'their' party. They cotton on very quickly.

If it is something like a soft play area I would pay for the uninvited child

usualsuspect · 26/07/2010 20:48

As the kids get older you can drop and run though ..no need to bring younger siblings

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