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Original poster

had my 5th baby boy and i'm depressed

36 replies

Denise1970 · 22/07/2010 00:46

hello i'm Denise and i've got a 3 month old baby boy, i already have 4 boys aged 16, 13, 9 and 4 and tbh i really didn't want anymore boys. i hoped for a girl in all my pregnancies but i got boys and i accepted it.i always knew its 50/50 chance, i didn't really want boys but i got them and i love them and care for them but i'd have preferred five girls instead. now i'm 40 and me and my partner agreed that this was gong to be our last child now, i don't want anymore now this was my last shot at getting my baby girl and its another blasted boy! i feel really bad cos i know some women can't have babies at all and would do anything to have a baby boy and i've got one and i don't want him. i am trying to want him but i just keep looking at him n wishing he was a girl. i hope i can get over this for his sake and mine but right now i just feel so down and i keep crying and i just feel terrible. i've also been a bit off with my other boys. my 13 year old got into some trouble at school but it was relatively minor, i grounded him for a month and doubled it to two months when he argued and now i think i was way too harsh on him but its too late now because hes done the two months! poor kid a week or so would have been enough. anyway i digress. what should i do? i want to love my 5th son but i wish he was a girl and right now i can't get passed this.

OP posts:

colditz · 22/07/2010 00:55

you're going to have to get past this because you can't cut his willy off and short of putting him up for adoption, you're stuck with 5 boys. I tihnk you should get some counseling.

solo · 22/07/2010 01:09

I think you are grieving for the girl you will (probably) never have and that is perfectly natural.

Is it also possible that you have PND? perhaps you need to see your GP and maybe have some counselling.

I remember expecting my Ds and not wanting a boy; I was extremely depressed over it and was on medication throughout almost all my pg and for a long time afterwards.

I do hope you feel better soon.

Original poster

Denise1970 · 22/07/2010 01:16

hi again. reading back my post i think it sounds really bad, i think i need to explain myself a bit better. firstly i do love my four older boys and i do want them. when i say i wanted girls instead of them what i should have said was that everytime i got pregnant i wanted a girl but i knew it could be a boy, when i got a boy i was happy and loved him but i always thought that i wanted the next one to be a girl. but this time was my last chance for a girl and i didn't get her and thats why i'm struggling with my new boy. i do love my other boys and i want to love him too. i honestly am happy to have boys i just always wanted at least one girl. i shouldn't have said i'd have preferred 5 girls instead. i think if i'd had only girls i'd have eventually wanted a boy too. i hope i'm explaining myself here. its just i think my first post makes it sound like i hate my sons and i don't. it was simply always my dream to have a daughter

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 22/07/2010 01:21

I know what you mean, Denise; each time I was pregnant I hoped desperately for a girl, but each of mine (only the two) are boys. I'd have had a third if someone could have guaranteed it'd be a girl, but as no such guarantee exists I stopped at two - because I didn't want three boys.

Now I have a grandson...

You will come to love your fifth boy, and resign yourself to many years of boy-things, but I do understand the longing.

seashore · 22/07/2010 02:40

I think you need to see a counsellor too, in time you and your new son will probably bond but the reality is he has disappointed you, for the health of your future relationship it would be best to talk it out, to help you come to terms with it.

ragged · 22/07/2010 05:41

I don't think there's anything wrong with your disappointment; but if it's getting you that down I echo the suggestion for counselling so that you can come to terms with it.

2boytantrum · 23/07/2010 14:39

Denise 1970, I think what you're feeling is more common than you would imagine. I have two boys, am in my 40s and feel exactly the same.Love my boys to bits, but can't get over the thought that there will never be a daughter. There is a website called www.ingender.com that has a forum for what they call gender disappointment. I read some of the messages sometimes and it really helps to know there are other people in the same situation. I'm also going to start counselling as I don't want to spend the rest of my life grieving for what I can't have. No real advice, I'm afraid, but just know you're not on your own!

coventgarden · 23/07/2010 15:09

Are you depressed or just upset and disappointed that you have had another boy? If you think you are depressed you need to see a doctor. You probably feel worse because you know this is your last baby. You have to learn some way to get past this. Let me tell you, it is horrible to grow up knowing you were the wrong sex. It upsets you and affects life when you are a mother too so one persons thoughts and feelings can have an impact on the grand child.

Becky99 · 27/07/2010 13:58

This is bad for you all. I think you need some therapy.

omaoma · 27/07/2010 14:10

I'm very sympathetic to how you're feeling - so much about motherhood is not rational or expected and we struggle so much to own our feelings. I know somebody who was intensely disappointed to give birth to a girl. But I can't help thinking, imagine if you were in a mixed-race relationship, and kept hoping each of your babies would be either darker or lighter skinned, and being disappointed each time they were the 'wrong' colour... People who knew you would be concerned and want you to get to the root of why you felt that way. It's a strong analogy, I'm not using it to upset you, more to express my puzzlement. You're disappointed about something so fundamental about your children. Don't just try and ignore this feeling, you need to sort it out.

Could there be anything behind such a deep desire to have a girl? Is this something to do with how you feel about yourself or your mother, or your position in your family, or your expectations of what a 'boy' is? I know lots of people really want a little girl/boy, and for all I know it's completely normal to the human condition, but it's causing you and potentially your family real misery. Worth looking into - a good counsellor would help.

GooseyLoosey · 27/07/2010 14:19

I have a boy and a girl. Each time, I wanted a girl. Now I have one, if I had a third, I would be praying for a boy.

What I am trying to say is that whilst I understand your grief for the child you wanted but now may never have, that child is not real and even if you had had a girl, you may not have got what you wanted. I wanted a girl because I wanted I child I would understand who would like the things I like and who I would just "get". As it turned out, I have a son who does this and I struggle to "get" dd who is as different from me as it is possible to be. I do love her very, very much but in no way is my relationship with her what I envisaged it would be. Children are never what we imagine they will be.

Elsa123 · 28/07/2010 12:59

Well, congratulation on the safe and healthy arrival of your 5th baby! I totally understand that in an ideal world you'd have had a girl, but this little lad is your gift instead and I'm sure he'll be delightful. Just think of all the (hopefully) lovely daughters in law you're going to have. You won't be paying for any weddings and what a great sized family you have full of boys that no doubt dote on you.

You will be fine and the love thats already there for number 5 will grow and grow as his personality shines through over and above his gender. You've got yourself a fab little cricket team with good age gaps too. Besides, speaking as a girl, we're not all we're cracked up to be .

ThisReallyIsSuchaPita · 28/07/2010 13:05

I can understand why you feel a bit depressed about this. You wanted a girl, and just once it would have been nice if the fifty fifty thing had gone your way! all that quietly hoping but trying not to hope for a girl......

I think you have a right to feel a bit sad. You're not saying you don't love your boys or that you're so depressed you can't function, but I think it is totally understandable that you just feel a bit sad that not once did the dice roll you a pink.

I love my boy btw, but I just get where you're coming from

herecomesthesun · 28/07/2010 15:33

This is really hard isn't it, I know exactly why you want a little girl and how it all lies in the hands of fate and there is nothing you can do about it and obviously you could have five more children trying and they could all be boys!

You need to find a way to move on positively and to love your beautiful little boy for who he is. He is still very young and in the feeding and sleeping rountine but as he becomes more alert and responsive I'm sure that you will learn to love and enjoy him more each day and just eventually stop yearning for a little girl because realistically it isn't going to happen unless you go on to have more children but even then it's not guaranteed.

mamadanielle · 26/12/2010 17:30

Hello Denise. I have only just found your post and wonder how you are getting on now some months have passed? Reading the replies I have smiled, laughed and frowned! Some of them talk utter rubbish that, albeit well-meaning, would not have helped you at all. I don't think you need therapy. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Often the people that suggest therapy and imply that your nuts have absolutely no idea what you're going through. They probably have a balanced family of mixed gender children, or no children at all and a naive view of parenthood! Your little boy must be about 5 months old by now and hopefully he's stealing your heart with smiles. It's quite infuriating how they manage to do that and make you fall in love with them. Makes you feel even more guilty for the disappointment you felt in the early days! I know how you feel because I'm expecting my fifth boy. I feel like God is playing some sort of sick joke with me. I don't feel like a fully functioning woman. I feel inadequate compared to other Mother's with daughters. I just baked star-shaped cookies with my enthusiastic 4 year old son. My sons will join in with any activity I do, they're not stereotypically football obsessed. To me, they are more beautiful than any little girls I know. They lack nothing. My desire for a daughter is nothing to do with who they are because they are wonderful. I feel empty and sick inside when I think my next baby will also not be my daughter. I've had all the "advice" I can take. There is no answer.

fallingandlaughing · 27/12/2010 11:21

Mamadanielle,
God isn't playing a sick joke with you. Aren't you lucky to have 5 healthy babies?! Your children are individual people, not just "boys". A girl might not live up to the dreams you would have of her. What if she was butch and only wanted to wear jeans and play in the mud? You might not think you need counselling but look again at what you have said. Your baby makes you feel "empty and sick". Why not try getting some counselling. Could it be worse than feeling like this?

vmcd28 · 27/12/2010 20:39

To be fair, mamadanielle didn't say her baby made her feel empty and sick, but that that what she won't have makes her feel empty and sick. That's two different things.

thisisyesterday · 27/12/2010 20:44

mamadanielle i feel really sorry for your baby.

you should choose to have a baby because you want another CHILD. not because you want a particular sex.

I see this come up on here time and time again. and it's always, without exception, about boys :(

how lovely for your baby son to grow up in a house where he isn't the right sex.

i think you and the OP both need some counselling actually. stop trying to kid yourself into thinking that this is normal. it isn't.

Hassledge · 27/12/2010 20:50

I have 3 boys and a girl - and while I love DD dearly, I love her because of who she is, not because she's a girl, if you see what I mean. The reality is that it makes no difference, really - the things DD and I have in common aren't driven by the fact she's a girl at all. If anything, DS2 is the one with the best fashion advice! You've got to see your boys as individuals (and they will all be so different) rather than as "boys". It will be fine :).

KangarooCaught · 27/12/2010 20:53

Very much wanted my 3rd to be a girl, having oddly enough not cared what my older two were - and what was just a mild 'it would be nice if...' became a stronger desire once the pg was established. However, irrational it might seem or however much you tell yourself you ought to be bloody grateful it doesn't stop those insidious thoughts seeping through.

However, no 3 looks at me with such love and delight that those disappointed feelings that dogged my pg have evaporated. I don't know if that will be the same for you, but hope you'll be able to separate out your disappointment in not getting the gender you wanted from the person you've been given, iyswim.

Fortress · 27/12/2010 21:27

I totally 'get' where you're coming from mamadanielle. [hug]
Your lovely boys don't make you feel 'empty and sick' but the loss of the daughter you never met does.

lovechoc · 28/12/2010 19:38

Know a few couples locally that have either 4 boys and a girl or 4 girls and now a boy. I can never understand why people keep trying for baby after baby and baby just to get this one gender - your girl could have turned out to be a real tom boy anyway!!! You can't force girls to wear pink, you can only dress them like a dolly for so long before it gets too much.

lovechoc · 28/12/2010 19:40

and I have two DS, and couldn't be happier. Can't wait to take them to the rugby!! I did nothing but bicker with my own mother, so I'd imagine I'd end up doing the same if I'd had a daughter..

lovechoc · 28/12/2010 19:46

as the saying goes 'what's meant for you, won't go past you'

Gateau · 28/12/2010 22:57

Threads like this sicken and sadden me.
However given the choice, I would have five boys over five girls ANY day.

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