I am an overanxious/overparenting/helicopter parent type, please help

[OrdinarySAHM]

I feel ill with worry about possible bad things happening to the children. I don't have any more reason than most people to think that bad things WILL happen.

I'm scared when they are not in my sight. Even when they are playing upstairs in the house and I am downstairs. If they go out of my sight in a large park I'm even worse.

I'm tense all the time about the smallest things, eg for one example out of many, if they were climbing around near rock pools on the beach, enjoying themselves, I would keep imagining them slipping and smashing their teeth on the rocks.

PLEASE can anyone recommend any good books to help me overcome this, or tell me about useful thoughts they have had which have helped with this sort of thing?

I realise that my overanxiety is not going to be good for them.

I think as a parent some level of concern and awareness of safety is important but it sounds like the problem here is your anxiety.

I would have a talk with your GP, you said yourself you "feel ill with worry", hopefully your GP can point you in the right direction to overcome this state of over-worriedness you seem to have got into.

I felt the way you did after the birth of my DD, was prescribed antidepressants for a while, which were then reduced until I stopped taking them completely. Taking medication was better than the anxious panicky feeling. It's not normal to feel sstressed or worried all the time.

Are you getting enough sleep? Sometimes I over worry when I'm really tired.

OSAHM, I so, so, so sympathise. I feel just the same. I went to the GP to ask about phobia counselling; she referred me and I went for the counselling and, oddly, the phobia didn't really come up - but absolute terror of disaster striking the children did.

The therapist talked me through various methods of coping. The main one was to write a list of the things that terrified me most, and then STOP! And then break it down into how likely it was to happen. So you'd get, eg,

Problem: the children might be walking along the pavement and get run over and killed by a random mad driver.

STOP

Evidence for this:

It does happen. I know because I read about it in the papers.

Evidence against it:

Hundreds of millions of children walk down pavements every day and are not mown down by random mad drivers.

These things are reported in the papers because they are so very rare.

This is supposed to tell you that, yes, it is possible that something awful will happen - but it is infinitely more likely that it won't. You have to accept that random, appalling things happen, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm afraid I can't say it worked for me. I still live in my own disaster world, which isn't a very happy place to live. I am terrified of random disaster befalling the children. The only thing that helps me at all is knowing that I couldn't possibly do any more to try to keep them safe - so that if the worst happens, I will not be able to blame myself.

DH, fortunately, is not anxious, so I send him off to do some things that I might otherwise spoil. Though even then, I worry all day that he might crash on the motorway/lose a child/drown a child/not keep a good enough eye on a child, so it doesn't make for a relaxing day.

FWIW, I am slightly less anxious about them being out of my sight now that they are older (6 and 8). I do let my 8-y-o do things out of sight in, say, the playground (though not if there is water anywhere nearby!)

Sympathies. It is horrible feeling like this. I hope someone can advise you better.

I'd second a visit to the GP - or a chat to your HV if you have a sympathetic one. - If you don't want to go down the route of ADs, there are books on prescription they can recommend, if you are a person who this would work for, e.g. I know there's one called overcoming anxiety on their list and they're available through the public libraries.

Same here. I need to get a grip, and sometimes I do manage a healthy level of 1970's parent benign neglect, but 80% of the time I am a nervous wreck. I'd be better off with valium in my drinking water.

We went rock pooling last week. My stress levels were through the roof with a busy, non swimming 3yr old and slippy rocks.

We all survived .

Meglet I'm just the same... I am worrying that I am a helicopter parent (and I was much worse when she was younger) but I'm trying not to give myself a hard time about it. I've got enough to worry about (most of it self induced).

OrdinarySAHM - I think it's great that you recognise that being overanxious is not good for your children. I know plenty of over-protective parents who think they are doing totally the right thing!

I don't have any real advice to tackle it - other than tackling your anxiety in general by visiting GP and asking for counselling, perhaps.

I do sympathise - I am a worrier and will have the catastrophic thoughts, but mostly I manage to let common sense rule with DS.

How old are your children?

BDSM I can hear myself 'helicoptering' sometimes. I swear other parents think I am loopy.

Mind you the funny thing is that me and my sister (and various friends) all spent a impressive time of our summer holidays in A&E for falling off skateboards / bikes / out of trees etc. Our households' record was 3 trips in a week .

I think I'll relax more when the dc's are older and more robust, they are only 3.8 and 22months, so still very young with little sense but a lot of mischeviousness (sp?). I think I worry more as I'm a lone parent and they don't see their dad so it all falls on my shoulders and I overcompensate.

Meglet lone parent here too although I only have my DD (2.10). You should have seen me at the zoo today when some other children were a little too, ahem, enthusiastic on the swinging bridge thingy in the play area. It was bad enough letting DD even play on it never mind slighly older children (who, huff, puff, shouldn't have been in that part of the play area anyway) charging around. We didn't stay long

I hate myself for it.

Thank you for replies and support. My children are 5 and 7. I had a load of counselling and it was great for a load of other things, which now feel better and I stopped counselling, but now I'm realising my overanxious parenting is a part of it all that we didn't cover much. My DH would not be too pleased about me going back and paying out a load more money, although I could try to get it free with someone else by going to the doctor.

I would like to read books on it but don't know which ones yet. There seem to be lots of different types of anxiety and I want a book specifically on anxiety about the children.

I think I'll find some books and read them first and see if I can improve, and if not, I'll go to the doctors.

Tiredness definitely makes me worse. And I'm in a vicious cycle of the anxiety making me find daily life tiring, and then the tiredness making the anxiety worse. I know really that I'll also have to give up alcohol as even the smallest amount seems to make me even more tired and makes me wake up feeling very depressed and angry for the first part of the morning.

Oh thank you god, im not alone!

I thought the inside of my head was a unique one.

Im a mess of anxiety. I was always a worrier but never ever this bad.
I was brought up by a negetive worrier. My mum and dad constantly argued and my mum put all her worries on my shoulders (not realising it) by talking to me from a young age about her problems.

My problem since the kids came along (3 and 7 months) is total dread and fear of impending doom!!

So,

Ive became a hypocondriac. I had skin cancer at 26 and am convinced my next bout of cancer is just around the corner. (and many other horrific illnesses with shit prognosis)

I imagine the doctor telling me.
My DH and the kids after I die. I imagine it so vividly I feel myself go through it (nutter)!

I imagine my DH being killed at work or driving and the after math of that.

And my absolute favourite of course, something happening to the kids.

I have a boy and a girl and instead of being happy about that I feel I NEED to have more children as Im getting on a bit and don't want to be in the situation that if something happens to them, I can't have anymore . - No I don't understand it either.
It's like as if one son and one daughter scares me in some way. Maybe in the way one child might scare someone.

My DH tells me that obviously they can't be replaced so don't worry about it. Makes sense - if your sane!

I thought I hid my anxiety with DS until recently. I think DD being born then ending up with an under active thyroid (and an over active imagination) has made me 10x worse.

I used to watch him climb to the highest frame in the park and just bite my tounge and let him be a boy but now Im all "be careful", "watch".

I hear myself say stuff like, "you could get squashed by a car then there would be no more you
or
You'll smash your head on the ground
or
you could get stung by a jellyfish
or
when we go on a nice walk im warning him of a million different dangers!

Guess what, he is now a total wimp .

I need help big time and I hope OSAHM this makes you feel much more sanebetter!!

Do you think being a SAHM makes this worse? I am a SAHM and maybe it's because they are what we do 24/7 and there's nothing else to take our minds off or get prespective when we feel like this.

Just a thought.

If anyone knows how to get hold of Paul McKenna, let me know!

WhensMyDayOff, it's funny you mentioned Paul McKenna as I did have a look on his website to see if he had any hypnosis cds that might help (couldn't find anything though).

Some people do think that SAHMs are too focussed on their children in an unhealthy way, but I'm not sure whether this is me or not. I have hobbies that are really important to me and I do them a bit when the kids are around as well as when they aren't. The kids aren't the only thing in my life. I think there may be something in it because I do feel slightly more relaxed when I'm doing my hobbies and I hear the kids crashing about upstairs than when I'm not doing them and I hear them crashing about and feel panicky.

I made myself let them climb up on the playhouse in the garden without saying anything yesterday because DH reckoned it was ok. I kept saying to myself, if they fall off they won't die, it will just hurt a lot and they will be more careful next time. Then I was so pleased with myself for not going 'mad' that I started thinking I might let them go and play in the back road with some (older) kids but tell them they have to stay in the road and not go anywhere else and I will check on them every 10 mins. There is occasional traffic but to get onto the road you have to drive round sharp corners with parked cars so they would be going slowly enough to see children and have time to avoid them.

Then I think, am I being stupid and will I panic if I let them. I intend to make myself do it and if it is really awful I don't have to keep doing it. I'm hoping it won't be really awful and I'll feel better about it when they've been out once and come back ok.

Ive just sat in hysterics, laughing at myself after this email.

I have heard a few stories, remembered every detail and taken them so literally, here are but a few of my stories/fears....

I heard of a baby (1) a few streets away who choked on a peanut and died.

I heard of a 3/4 yr old child who ate a grape whilst going around tesco's and choked and died.

A baby biting a balloon, it burst and choked him/her.

A boy at a nr by supermarket, swinging on a low bar, fell and just the way he fell on his head, died.

And I have a friend of a friend's sister who found her 2 yr old boy hung from a blind cord, died.

No really, it does get funny....

I NEVER buy nuts, incase any of them roll under the sofa and are later found by my soon to be crawling DD.

I have cut all the blind cords, you should see me trying to close them at night

I react like the SAS when I go to a house where the free spirit parent puts out WHOLE grapes - crazy bastards.

ROCK POOLING - and all you can worry about is their teeth...what about, slipping, falling at a funny angle and severing their spine, thats more my train of thought.

Balloons, again, I can dive from 100 metres onto a baby/toddler biting a balloon much to the horror of the near by parent who is never that flustered by my warnings of a back firing balloon.......

WMDO wanders off realising just how far her mental health has gone down the tubes....

Sorry OSAHM, I X posted with you there and now realise my stroies will not have helped either.

It just made me laugh when I realsed where my head was taking me lately.

Yes I used to have hobbies - I even took up horse riding just before falling PG first time - of course I can't do it now, I dont want to end up in a wheelchair do i

That's ok WMDO

The thing is, I think it is those one off tragedies like you described, which we see in the media, probably in very sensational language, and making you feel you are a neglectful parent if you don't take heed and go and cut all your blinds cords etc, which have some part in influencing our anxious state of mind.

I'm a lot like you I think, and every single story like that which I've read or heard, I've remembered vividly and added it to all the other ones in my head which add up and up to make me think the world is a very dangerous place for children.

Somebody said that we have to accept that we can't control everything and protect them from everything because it isn't physically possible eg how do you stop a child falling over at just the wrong angle to cause spine damage? Even when my children have been watched things have happened eg my son jumped and hit his head on the corner of a coffee table and gashed his head, blood pouring out etc (he was fine though after half and hour). And when my daughter was at nursery she fell in the playground and smashed her front teeth even though staff were supervising. I find it hard to accept that we can't protect them from everything.

I feel that the smallest bad thing that happens to them is my fault and makes me a bad mother.

I do feel slightly 'mental' because I even feel really tense about other people eg DH and grandparents just talking to the children in words I wouldn't use which I feel might give them the wrong idea or be unhelpful to them. I feel I have to have control over every little thing that affects them, even the way people talk to them.

A lot of things I feel tense about are no big deal at all and I haven't worked out why I actually feel tense. The feeling of not having complete control makes me feel panicky.

Some people think that if they are not constantly worrying about someone it means they don't love them. Love = constant worry. They learn this message in childhood, and then carry it on through when they have their own kids.

Thank you, I'm thinking about what you said Gibby. I felt that my parents didn't pay enough attention to what was going on with us and didn't do anything about some bad things that happened when they should have. I've always been determined to be more vigilant than them and to not abandon my children when they need my help. Unfortunately though, my vigilance has gone way over the top. I think I feel that if I let the smallest bad thing happen to them, that would make me as bad as my parents.

If I think of the worst situations where I felt my parents should have done something but didn't and then say to myself 'is letting this happen to my DCs as bad as when my parents did x?' and the answer is no, I wonder if this will make me feel less anxious.

I really feel for you OSAHM.
I joke but the reality is, we are making ourselves ill and I know how you feel.

Id do anything, pay anything to stop worrying.

Im always wondering why im as bad as I am too and I recognise alot of what you are saying although I think there's a little difference in my past.

I certainly felt like, when I got older my mum (my dad never did care) stopped caring. It was like she had had enough of kids and had her own life to lead.

I don't think that's the reason though.

I think my reason for worrying is.....my mum and gran loved to tell me how bad their lives were, still do, how bad their husbands were and everything was negative.

My Gran had 5 kids and a husband who never gave over money or helped. (umm that covers all woman in the 1940's then).
She met a man after he died and married him for 10 wonderful years and was so happy - until he was killed at work by a train.
Yip.

My my mum fell PG at 18 which was the first huge tradgidy because after all, your life is over when kids come along!!
Hastily married my dad who was abusive, mostly mentally. Divorced him after 28 horrid years.

I met a lovely guy at 17, married him at 25 and have had 2 lovely kids, no money worries and the kind of life that on paper, is pretty damn good.
I worry because i feel, nobody is this lucky. Thats not how it works.
I don't deserve it and any day now it will all end.
I will loose the people who mean so much to me somehow.
Why should I have all the luck.

Since getting older Ive started to realise - there are a lot of people who are worse off than my family but happier, they see the positives in life but my family didnt at all.

My step dad on the other hand has had Polio as a child, suffered tremendous pain and operations and left with legs that have been shortened so much that he is now 5'2 - should be 6ft.
He can't really walk much now.
He survives with major painkillers everyday.
His wife cheated on him and left him pennyless years before my mum met him.

When he met my mum, a month after meeting her he had a massive anurism which has left him housebound and weak.

2 of his Grandsons have health problems. One was born with severe learning difficulties and has just had a kidney transplant, the other has a form of Autism.

My mum is on holiday in Canada just now so we had my Stepdad for dinner Saturday night.
He had a great night, really enjoyed himself and he spoke about only happy occasions in his life and said -
"Ive had a good life"
then he laughed and said "im still having a good life and still have alot to come obviously"

And there's the key right there.
It's all a mental state of mind, nothing else depends on how happy you are.

The happiest people are the people who take the good from everything and take each day as it comes (like my DH).

I don't look at rich folk or beautiful people and feel envy, I look at the laid back happy people who care not a jot and I want a piece of what they have

Mind peace!

I need to get councelling or something so that I can be free to enjoy my life without dreading the doom I expect to come knocking .

shit im more mental than I previously thought - Im going to have a glass of wine and hopefully Eastenders is on - they people know how to suffer!

OSAHM Agree with most of what's here already - just wanted to suggest that it might be worth going to see your GP sooner rather than later as there may be a waiting list for NHS counselling (my friend who is a counsellor says there usually is). You could get referred to start with and then do some reading in the meantime while you wait to be seen - then if you find the books have helped you enough you could cancel the appointment, rather than then having to wait while the referral process goes through.

To add my tuppenceworth...

I have an anxiety disorder - though it doesn't really exhibit as this kind of anxiety . Most of the time I am one of those laid-back 'let 'em climb' parents!

Anyway, what I have learnt from counselling etc is it's ok to feel negative feelings. I am learning to feel the worry and sadness emotion and then move on - rather than pushing it away and trying NOT to feel it iykwim.

Eg an example for dd. Yesterday, she said to me 'mummy it would be really sad if you died' and I said 'yes, it really would, wouldn't it?' and gave her a big cuddle and that seemed to be enough just to let her feel a bit sad about it... I did suggest it probably wouldn't be til I was older and she was older (then she talked of new babies). But acknowledging feelings is vital in being able to manage them.

Dear Whensmydayoff, the key to your difficulty is in these words you wrote:"I worry because i feel, nobody is this lucky. Thats not how it works.
I don't deserve it and any day now it will all end.
I will loose the people who mean so much to me somehow.
Why should I have all the luck."

The fact is, life really IS this unfair! You CAN have all the luck. Some people really are lucky, and it's not your fault if you have a lucky life. Same as it's not someone else's fault if they are unlucky.

Adair, I like that - what you said about not pushing the fear away but feeling it, acknowledging it and letting it go. I definitely try to push it away and I do think it makes it worse because after a bit of time of suppressing it I have a big surge of worse fear.

WMDO, thank you for sharing all your stuff as well, it really helps. And you are no more mental than me

I can see how your childhood could have made you the way you are. You saw people have accidents, illnesses, death, and people constantly telling you that life is hard and miserable. It's no wonder you think something bad is likely to happen any minute!

I would say that the amount of bad luck in your family was more than what would be average in this country so it is therefore less likely you will have a life like theirs than it is that you will live an average life with less difficulty.

What is the average kind of life that the people you know at a similar stage of life as you have? If they are the average then you are more likely to have a life more like theirs than more like your old family.

I made a list yesterday of reassuring thoughts to look at to help me with the anxiety and this thread helped me think them up so thank you

I'm feeling a bit less tense right now, but the kids are at school. I'll have to see how I feel when they are doing something where they could hurt themselves a bit.

My DS is only six weeks and I know that one day I am actually going to have to let him out of my sight.
If so many horrors might befall him when I'm there, what might happen if I'm not around to be vigilant...aaaarrggh.. cue terrible visions. My brain knows they're unlikely but that doesn't help much.
Maybe I'll just not let him out of my sight until he's 21. That can work, won't it?

OrdinarySAHM - so sorry to hear you're worrying so much - but glad to hear I'm not the only one.

OrdinarySAHM it's interesting you said you felt your parents could have paid more attention to safety. I have the oppostive situation - my parents were so overprotective and I was never allowed to do anything. I actually haven't ever rebelled against it (yet!) and engaged in lots of risky behaviours. I was unexperienced and scared as a young adult, until I met my DH who had a very childhood so I did things along with him. What I have done, though, is make a conscious decision not to overprotect my dcs. Sometimes I feel anxious about their safety, whether that's due to my upbringing or just the way I am, I don't know.

Luckily DH brings me to my senses if I have a helicopter moment. His favourite line is "You can break your neck in the bathtub you know!" I really really believe we do our children more harm by being overprotective. And that's not even considering issues like spending too much time indoors and not getting enough exercise.