Bugsy are you back?

[sykes]

Wondered how you survived/enjoyed the holiday and how things are generally? Hope you managed to relax/recuperate at least a tiny bit.

I second that Bugsy. If you feel up to it please tell us how you got on.

Hmm, you really will regret asking. Basically, it was a bad holiday with a few bright moments. Both kids got chicken pox, dd got 2nd degree burns on all the fingers of her left hand - ambulances, hospitals, dressings changed daily. It was the hottest June in France for 50 yrs, so between the hours of 1 & 4pm I couldn't take either of them outside and it was bloody lonely.
However, personal situation is marginally better (not sure that is the right word). Before I went, H confessed all and admitted of his own volition what a s**t he had been, how he had lied to me, how he was still having the affair etc. Although, it was horrible at least I knew for sure where I stood. So, we have agreed to separate and now I need to decide what I want to do.

Bugsy. God this is horrible for you! Are the kids okay now? Do you know what you 'might' do?

You're right though, at least now there can be no doubts and no reason for you to think you are to blame for ANY OF THIS!

Oh Bugsy, I was so hoping to click on this to hear you had a lovely relaxing time and felt recharged etc. I'm so sorry it was horrendous, you really didn't deserve it. I suppose at least H isn't lying any more (although it must be small consolation) and you will be making a decision from a position of knowing the truth. Thinking of you too.

Oh, God, how awful. I felt horribly lonely on holiday but at least had my nanny with me. I'm so sorry - all the more time to dwell on the past. As everyone says - at least you know now about h, which is something (?). Things MUST get better soon. Most people say to me this time next year you'll be fine. Mmmm, thanks. Just another 10 months of misery then. Actually I do feel a bit better as have managed to occupy myself and dds at w/ends (most of the time). First (and only) w/end alone was really grim, though. If you do fancy meeting up at any point let me know - I've e-mailed you.

Bugsy, I'm terribly sorry. But I suppose now being able to have open and honest conversations with your husband has to be a step forward.

If it makes you feel any better, I also had a holiday from hell last summer where on day 2 (of 14) my 18month old got second degree burns down his left shoulder, ribcage, wrist and thigh (hotel threw hot gravy on him). This was in a VERY hot bit of the US. Hospitals, dressings twice a day, no sand, water anywhere near it etc etc. Looked horrible, was horrible, gave me nightmares. Anyway I haven't been able to see a single thing remaining of the burns since about 6 months afterwards - not even a pale patch. So all I can say is you have enough to worry about with everything else you have going on - please don't worry that you have scarred your daughter for life or anything as well. Best of luck, I feel for you enormously.

Bugsy ... was glad to see that you were back and then felt awful that you have not had a good holiday ... all I thought was ... 'Bugger!'
Anyway ... I am thinking of you and hope that things start to look up soon ....

Oh, Bugsy, I am so sorry the holiday was blighted by accidents and illness - hope both children are over the CP and your dd's burns are healing well.
At least he's finally had the guts to admit the truth and admit he has treated you badly. For him, I really think this is quite a breakthrough. Thinking of you, and Sykes too.

aargh Bugsy. But think, if everything had been perfect it would have been boring wouldn't it . Really sorry holiday was difficult but as your kids get older I think things like that will be easier. At least you know where you are now and can, Oprahesquely, have some 'closure'. Wishing you all the best

Bugsy, my reaction was more or less the same as Ghosty's. I hope your children are well/getting better now and you have some calm in your life soon.

One day, my stories of the hellish holiday will be very amusing. I haven't even mentioned the hell of collecting the hire car!
It was so bad that coming home was fantastic - so that is a bonus!
It is very definitely a relief that H has moved out. I feel better able to talk to him about the children, it is great to be able to finally tell people and there is no horrible atmosphere in the house.

Dear Bugsy sorry that your holiday was not a holiday at all but a bit of a nightmare, but hope your children are feeling better. Wish I could make you feel better but wish you the best of luck from now on....its your turn to have some.

bugsy you can strangle me now for saying how blissful it can be to go on holiday with children and minus partner.

Sorry you all had such a rough time. Relaxing and feeling the burden of s* in your life lift a little didn't happen on holiday did it? All I can say is I'm glad it's now happening for you at home.

just wanted to add, bugsy, I do hope you're getting lots of support from people now that you are beginning to tell them.

I don't know how much of this you've kept to yourself, but I get the impression you have told few people, if anyone, about your situation over the last few months. It takes so much strength to bottle things up and that must have really done your head in at times. Now you can talk about it, I hope this in itelf helps you to feel better.

Bugsy, I am so sorry your holiday was so awful and hope that now your husband has finally come clean you are able to move on and find happiness.
When do you finish work? Best wishes with everything, thinking of you, Winnie x

Wise mumsnetters, I could do with some advice again. H says he wants to come home. He moved out some time in July and has spent considerable time with HER. She has gone back to the US now for a period and he decided about two weeks ago (coinciding with her departure) that he wanted to come home.
I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and have started a course of anti-depressants (can't believe I've just written that) and I feel very concerned about the best way to proceed from here.
I have said to H that I think he should rent a flat of his own (he is staying with a mate at the moment) and that the two of us should spend the next 6 months having counselling to see whether or not there is enough left to work things out. I think that my own mental state is too fragile to have him move back in at the moment, added to the fact that I really don't like him very much right now and he still hasn't actually finished his relationship with HER.
He thinks that it would be a bad idea for us to live apart for the next 6 months as he thinks the only way we will find out if we can make a go of things is to actually live together again.
Any views?

He is a complete and utter arsehole and you need to tell him that.
Bugsy he hasn't finished his relationship with her. He only wants to move back in with you because he has nowhere to live. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but you know it's true. And you know that you are far too good to be traeted as second best to some tart. You cannot even think of having any sort of relationship with him until he finishes with her for good, and because he wants to not because she's on the other side of the world. If he really does want you back he needs to start right at the beginning again, not move in and carry on wher you left off.

Agree 100% with Prufrock. He is wrong when he thinks "the only way we will find out if we can make a go of things is to actually live together again". The only way you can make a go of it is if he dumps her and actually listens to what you want for a change. I have been reading your threads and still can't believe that he hasnt' understood that yet- he is more self-centred than any two year old. You are being very patient with him IMO but don't cave in to him now. How can you attempt any sort of reconciliation while he still has a relationship with another woman? Who knows when she might turn up again. You don't want a repeat performance in 3 months time. Tell him to move into a flat, go to counselling and concentrate on his relationship with your children.

Also agree with sobernow. But I'm guessing this will be a fairly consistent opinion.

Bugsy sorry to hear that you are still not able to start getting your life back on track. In my opinion he is being grossly unfair in asking this of you and even more unfair on your children.Apart from totally screwing around with your head I think it would be a disaster for the children for him to move in again at that this time. What if he decides (or you for that matter ) that it isn't going to work out after all - surely this will mean even more disruption to the children?
I personnally think there should be no discussion of "getting back together" until its all over with the other woman. When she comes back from the states what is he intending to do? Finish it with her? Go back to her? He is being totally ridiculous and taking the p*. Tell him to sort himself out first and then (if you still want to try) take it very slowly.6 months as you suggested with him living nearby, and then if that goes well you can reassess and decide if you want him living at home again.
Been thinking of you lots over the summer and wondering how you are. Sorry that this is having such a toll on you. Have you found a job yet? Very best wishes to you and your children. GRMUM

Yep, me too Bugsy. He just doesn't seem to get it does he? So he thinks he can have an affair while married to you, walk out on you and your children causing devastation all round and then, when she goes home to the other side of the world and he finds it all a bit tough going on his own (bet his mate doesn't do any cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping for him, just a thought) he wants to come back!!!! And he STILL hasn't ended his relationship with another woman! He's got a nerve I think and he seems to have completely failed to understand the seriousness and consequences of his selfish actions. I'm so sorry but I really don't think you should let him come back either. There is no shame in anti depressants bugsy, really there isn't and you're doing really well to think about this sensibly rather than just to agree, which might be easier but doesn't make it the right thing to do. I so nearly went back to my dh when life was tough (and he didn't do anything bad, not at all, our relationship just went wrong) because it would have been easier but I didn't (only just managed not to) because, deep down I knew it was the wrong thing to do. You can't afford to put yourself and your children through this again should he move back in and then change his mind when she comes back from the States. Your suggestion of counselling and taking it from there is a wise one and if he's got any sense at all he'll be grateful that you're even prepared to offer that and grab it with both hands. Thinking of you.