Shutting children in their rooms for safety

[griffy]

Advice needed please. We're moving to a new house tomorrow, which is completely open-plan downstairs - living/dining/kitchen.

DS is 2Y5M, sleeps in a 'big bed' and his bedroom is on the first floor - next to ours - with an easily openable door. Up another floor is the bathroom. We can't fit stairgates because the bannisters/newel posts just won't allow it (but also they'd be no good, since he now climbs over stairgates!).

So, I've decided that we're going to have to lock him into his room at night and have a baby monitor on. In your opinions is this right? DP is very uneasy about closing him into his room, but I just can't let him have unmonitored access to the kitchen/bathroom while I'm perhaps asleep - or during the early evening maybe out in the garden.

I was thinking of a bolt, so that the door didn't tantalizingly open just a bit for him, but my nursery manager told me a horrific story of two children at a previous nursery to hers who had died in a housefire, because their bedroom room was bolted, and with the heat the bolt expanded and couldn't be opened. How awful for them and their families - hearing that story made me shiver, so I've ruled out the bolt.

I then thought about a plastic drawer catch, but a colleague at work has suggested a plastic slip bolt (like a big plastic hook and eye?).

What do others think/do about this?

In answer to the practical question we have a hook and eye catch on the bathroom door - high up so ds can't reach. You could force it open in an emergency.

Aside from that - couldn't you sit ds down and tell him the dangers of wondering around the house without you and that once he's in bed he should stay there? They do take a lot in and if he sees it is serious and you need him to be a big boy then he may rise to the occasion.

Or put a stairgate across his bedroom door with a bell on in case he tries to climb over?! Anything but lock him in really...

Wow Griffy, if this was my dd there is no way I could lock her in at night, she freaks if you even shut the door of the sitting room when she is in it.

Could you not completely toddler proof the kitchen and bathroom - safety catches on all cupboards etc. Maybe I am being blase but I think once all the sharp knives etc are put away then what other dangers are there? I agree with nobby that you should explain to him too, he should understand at 2.5.

I have just got to ask, does he usually get out of bed and wander? My kids (2 and 4) have often got up in the night, but never gone downstairs (we don't have stairgates) I have never thought to worry about them having access to the kitchen. Why do you feel he can't have unmonitored access to ownstairs, is there anything he can reach and shouldn't.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it wouldn't occur to me, and I certainly wouldn't lock him in. What age do you feel he could have access to the house, is he potty trained, will he use the bathroom?

My friend had to put a bolt on her dd's bedroom door coz she started sleep walking when she was 3. She caught her dd trying to climb on top of the cooker, unlocking the front door (they live in a top floor flat), climbing on window sills and various other unsafe acts! I thought it was a bit harsh but when she explained I realised how dangerous her sleepwalking was! I would be worried for fire safety reasons. What if there was a fire and ds couldn't get out of his locked room and we couldn't get to him?? I know it's a morbid thought, but that's what crossed my mind when she told me about the bolt on the door.

I don't think either of mine would have liked to be locked in and the housefire bit would definitely worry me. If you want to keep his door shut could you not fit an alarm on the door that beeps when the door is opened? Or hang some bells on the back of the door which could be left open - just to warn you he is on the move.

Is it possible to change the door to one less easily openable? Maybe move the handle up (ours are all at toddler height). This way, it's easy for an adult to open in an emergency but trickier for the child. How about putting a bell on the door so you know he's opened it?

I think my DSs would freak out if they couldn't open their bedroom doors (DS2, 2.5, is still in his cot at the moment though)

Does he wander about at the moment? I would have thought the most likely place for him to go is straight into your room anyway! Why not just use a baby monitor without a locked door. If he woke up and started wandering about you'd be bound to hear him and could go and check on him. I don't know what other people do, but my son is 20 months and I plan to keep him in his cot and sleeping bag for a good while longer! Emotionally a locked door doesn't appeal to me.

Hmm - he doesn't wander much right now because he doesn't have the opportunity to. The only doors that we leave open in the flat (and they're all 'unopenable' when shut) are his bedroom door and our bedroom door. He tends to run into our room and wake us up. Only because he's noisy, though, and has nowhere else to go and explore (I suspect)!!

He does tend to hide things (like purses!) and cause general trouble when unattended. For instance, when I popped to the loo last night, he scribbled all over my sofa with indelible marker pen (fortunately it's a sofa that's being ditched when we move) that he'd climbed onto a chair and up the welsh dresser to reach. He does like to move chairs to climb onto them to get to things these days, which makes it very hard to make places safe.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, I should be getting on with some work!

Griffy - you are a brave woman for even possessing an indelible marker pen

griffy couldn`t you put a stair gate in his bedroom door we got a tall one specially for big dogs from argos,is no way he could jump over it

I used to put a travel barrier across ds1's room at night. If he woke he would play in his room. They fit anywhere!

He would have gone ballistic if I'd shut the door!

oh just realised you said he climbs over them

Why not put a bolt on the outside of the kitchen and bathroom doors?

I should add that we've always closed his bedroom door - just not let the catch close (IYKWIM) - because in our flat now it opens into the main corridor, and he doesn't mind a closed door one bit.

Unfortunately the kitchen is open-plan, you see, and is completely unencloseable.

Whymummy's suggestion sounds excellent. I'd never heard of dog gates!

Burglar alarm and set it for downstairs only when you go to bed? Bit expensive though. I must admit, although I can understand your worries, and I had similar ones with DS1 up to a point, he never actually did any of the things I thought he might! Good luck....

Well I'm an evil mother, obviously, as we have a bolt/baby monitor combo (has been there a week now and got my first decent night's sleep for over a month last night). It's a lightweight bolt - I'm pretty sure I could force the door if I had to (if the bolt had swollen) and it doesn't go deep into the door. We also have 2 smoke detectors (one downstairs and one upstairs) which are both checked regularly.

We've gone from ds waking and disturbing us up to 5 times a night plus major battles at bedtime to last night where he calmed down 15 mins after being put to bed and played happily until going to sleep, then only tried the door once at around 1am didn't cry out and went straight back to bed. Then an early wake up at 6am. We're working on the last bit!!

It's solved a big problem and although I do feel a bit guilty for locking him in at night, I also feel very relieved and getting some proper rest for the first time in ages. I keep telling myself it's only short term until he's got back into a proper sleep routine again and has dropped the expectation of loads of attention at night. Let's just hope it works that way.

flippin' eck! if i knew it was legal i wudda done it bluddy years ago - am off to the hardware store for a couple of padlocks - social services be damned!

I am quite shocked actually that anyone would lock up a child alone in a room, especially at night. A stairgate that you can see through seems quite different, or locking the main front door or kitchen door out of their reach at nighttime. Aren't you afraid that some unexpected emergency (fire, flood, burglar climbs in at his window)will happen (or even a terrifying nightmare) and he will be alone and vulnerable? I tell ds to be good, not take other people's things, not to hit others, etc, because how awful it would be to grow up like that and to be locked up in prison, and to me being locked up is just something that never should happen to a person unless you are in prison.

custardo I'm not sure that it's recommended for 13 year olds!!

GeorginA - I don't think you're wicked at all - just solving a bit of a problem. I must say that I'm a bit surprised that everyone seems to be pretty against the idea. I sort of expected a more two-sided view - and was hoping, I suppose, to hear other possible solutions that might work for me.

I'm not sure why it's OK in people's minds to enclose children with a stairgate, but not a door?

Incidentally, I'm just trying to sort out my own views on this. It just somehow doesn't 'feel' right to shut him into his room for sleeping - not sure why, though. But I definitely feel less uneasy about it than about possibly having him loose in the house when I'm sleeping.

On balance, I'm just not the sort of person who will hide away EVERY 'problem object' (ie pens, handbag, purse, glasses etc etc) EVERY night all the time, and this is a rented house - so I can't go in for expensive alarm/modification solutions. Also, I'm very impressed by those of you who have a touching faith in the ability of their toddlers to 'obey rules' or be good when told even when parent isn't present, but I'm afraid that DS just isn't that way inclined!

On balance, I think I will probably go for the locking in, but will get one of those plastic slip locks that allows the door to be slightly opened, but not passed through. I'll also have a baby monitor (as I do now), and tell him to shout when he wants me (as he too often does now!).

griffy- at one stage we used a stair gate half way along the upstairs corridor - again may not work if your ds can climb. It allowed access to our room (and his) but nowhere else.

I did have a problem when at 3 ds1 decided no more stairgates (he would headbutt them so they had to go). I also worried about his wandering but we did manage to teach him he had to stay in his room. He was just three, autistic and pretty much non-verbal at the time so it can be done (although it was a pretty horrendous 2 weeks whilst we were setting the boundaries). We always use "shutting the door" as a punishment - which was why shutting him in his room was never an option. Every time he got out of bed he was put in his room and the door shut briefly (for about 10 seconds). I would then say "stay in bed or Mummy will shut door". He does now understand that if the door is shut (for 10 seconds) that's it it's bedtime. If you have a standard punishment you use to teach that he has gone too far maybe you could use that every time he gets out of bed? DS1's language skills had been assessed as being at the 12-18 month age at that time (he was at a one key word level) but he did pick it up.

What about these room guards kids have in their rooms to protect their "treasures". It could be put out in the hall so if he crossed in it's line the alarm would go off. They come in Monsters Inc shapes I think.

On another thread JanZ mentions that they have used those elastic luggage cords to ensure that her DS can only open the door a few inches. And in Toddler taming it mentions a rope on the outside door handle that does the same trick.

Tbh I can't see the difference between using a complicated solution of tying a rope around the handle of the door than a bolt across. I don't feel particularly comfortable with it - it was just a last desperate measure after trying everthing else. outofpractise - I have the monitor right next to me at all times - if any of the scenarios you mention happens I can be there in an instant.

I did try just holding the handle closed while doing controlled crying - but with him knowing there was an audience there it just got worse. Lots worse. With the bolt it removes the audience.

Surely it's "prison" with a stairgate, bolt, rope or any other solution. I don't like it. I do feel horrible for doing it (and thank you all for making me feel so much worse ) but I see it as a short-term measure and a chance for the whole family to get some much needed rest (surely a screaming harridan of a sleep-deprived mother all the time is going to be more damaging than a bolt on his door for a couple of weeks and having a cheerful interactive mother during the daytime?!)