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Original poster

Anyone with Just the one..................

61 replies

Slink · 09/06/2005 13:43

Having been trying for three years dh and i are coming around to the idea of just having one dd is 4.

Problem: will she not feel lonely???
Is it better to have siblings????
We have said we will see by the end of the year but not bothered really???

OP posts:
ninah · 09/06/2005 14:44

x-posted
I think my relationship with dp will only get better, I just worry for ds
Tho he does have dss at weekends there is a huge age gap and I'm going to need to spend a lot of time with the baby I'd normally spend with ds

bootsmonkey · 09/06/2005 14:45

Ninah - my DH has visions of himself being pushed around by DD in a bathchair. He really dosn't want to be an old dad! Bit late really! How old is your DS??

I wonder whether I will regret the decisions I make now in later life?? Either way - if we stick at one or not. It is so hard sometimes that I think my head will explode!

wordsmith · 09/06/2005 14:48

Bootsmonkey, I was 37 when I had my first child and 41 when I had my second (DH was 40 and 44), so don't say time is running out!

Having said that I was extremely ambivalent about having a second child. After 3 or so years we had just got our social life back, our good nights' sleep, our sense of ourselves as people as well as parents, my career/business was ratherting up again... Getting pregnant and having DS2, whilst lovely, was and still is a huge shock to the system. The 'rest' of your life as a mother (work etc) is put on hold for however many years you choose to devote to full-or part-time SAHM-dom.

From the point of view of loneliness for the only child, I really don't think that has to be the case. DS1 had and has a good circle of friends from nursery and now school and is an extremely sociable little boy.

I dare say there are pros and cons of having siblings. I fought like cat and dog with my 2 brothers (quite close in age) and in our 40's we aren't particularly close. The one benefit, if I'm being honest, is that there's more than one of us to cope with the growing demands of ageing parents. But as far as childhood goes, I don't think there needs to be any problem as long as your child has friends and a good social network.

ninah · 09/06/2005 14:51

my ds is 2.9 boots. I don't think dp minds SO much about being an old dad, he was never a really football in the park type but he does worry about providing finacially (he's self-employed) esp as I earn very little and plan to stay at home when we have two as childcare would be prohibitive (and I WANT to)
Whatever you decide please DON't regret! such a wasted emotion. Enjoy what you have. Sounds to me that you are a little bit wistful about no 2 tho ...
Even tho we planned no 2 dp was an absolute sh"t to me when I told him (on relationships somewhere) he is lovely again now but I reckon it shows he's anxious about such a big event

bootsmonkey · 09/06/2005 14:51

wordsmith - why did you have the second if you don't mind me asking. Tell me to get lost if too personal....

Listmaker · 09/06/2005 14:53

I think it's an individual choice but I don't regret having two for a minute and that's with only a 2 year gap and being a single parent since dd2 was 3 months old. They are now 7 and 5 and absolutely adore each other (except when they are screaming how much they hate each other of course!!). They play so beautifully together and I love wathching and listening to them.

When I was pg with dd2 I remember wondering how I would ever love anyone as much as I loved her but you just do. Love is not a finite thing.

My brother and I are only a year apart and I wouldn't be without him for the world although we don't see each other that often now and I sometimes wish I'd had a sister instead!

But my new dp is an only child and is the lovliest man I've ever met so it hasn't spoilt him. He's incredibly selfless. A friend of mine is an only child and her parents both died before she was 20 which made her feel incredibly alone in the world I think.

It's up to you though (well unless you don't have the choice I suppose) but I would recommend at least two! I would have felt incomplete without at least 2 and my dd2 is just the most adorable thing in the world and I can't imagine having missed out on her in my life.

GeorginaA · 09/06/2005 14:53

100% agree with DissLocated. I'm an only child and had no regrets at all as a child. Loved being the only one, in fact (well, okay, I occasionally had passing fantasies of having an older brother so I could date his friends ). As an adult though, like DissLocated, I find the pressure of being the only focus for my mother very difficult - especially when my dad died. Not that there would have been any guarantee of help if I had a sibling, but still.

Also agree with others who say that being an only child has helped you feel very self-reliant - definitely. Of course, there are downsides of being an only child, but I feel that most can be worked around if you are aware of them and parent accordingly.

Just don't be like my mother and try and live your life through your daughter please! Love her for who she is, not who you'd like her to be. Be interested in her, but not smothering. Then you can't go far wrong, imo.

xxx

wordsmith · 09/06/2005 15:05

Boots - to be honest It took so long to conceive DS1 I thought another one would take ages too. We didn't not try, but we weren't really trying either. In fact we had made a decision definitely not to have another one, a week before I found out I was pg...

Like I say I was ambivalent, I wouldn't have minded either way. I love him to bits, he's so cute and he's a lot more like me than DS1 is (who is a clone of his dad), and I can't imagine life without him. But financially and otherwise he's been a bit of a disaster. We were really counting on me being able to earn more and it just hasn't happened (yet). However I am enjoying him as I know he will definitely be the last!!

The 4 years between the 2 of them means it's unlikely they'll be perfect playmates but they do love each other to bits. And the age gap meant that we only had to pay 2 lots of nursery fees for a month or so. They only went 2 days/week but we wouldn't have been able to afford 2 lots of fees so I would have had to give up work totally.

wordsmith · 09/06/2005 15:09

..and as for your dh's age, I have 2 male friends, both in their 50's who have 2 young children each, and are fantastic dads. They do keep you young!! (Although the kids do tend to win at football)

ninah · 09/06/2005 15:11

Keep you young, blimey I feel 105!
but it is good to here ws, god knows how grouchy and mis dp would be without us

ninah · 09/06/2005 15:12

HEAR, even [shame]

bootsmonkey · 09/06/2005 15:12

They may keep you young at heart, but we have both visibly aged since DD was born!

I can no longer get away with not dying my hair for a start...

wordsmith · 09/06/2005 15:14

same here!!!

bootsmonkey · 09/06/2005 15:22

To play devil's advocate - does anyone have any positive/good reasons to stick at one?

bootsmonkey · 09/06/2005 16:24

I'll take that as a 'no' then!

wordsmith · 09/06/2005 16:33

Boots - think you'll find everyone's on the school run. Positive reasons to stick at one....

a) no more nappies, bottles, sick on your collar, sleepless nights (You easily forget this once your kids are past 2 or 3, and it's a shock to go through it again later!)
b) cheaper holidays
c) No sibling rivalry
d) You only have to go through the terrible twos, threes, etc once

I could find you just as many reasons to have another one, though. It has to be your choice. I don't regret having two, but equally I would have been happy with one. And quite honestly I'm sure my life could have been great without kids, but in other ways! I never got really broody and could easily have imagined a fulfilling, child-free existence.

Like you I don't believe an only child is a spoiled child. Do what feels right for you. But don't let the age thing put you off. You are not old, and neither is your DH. I can't honestly say I feel any tireder at 43 having 2 kids than one. (I always looked this knackered!!)

Pruni · 09/06/2005 16:34

Message withdrawn

wordsmith · 09/06/2005 16:34

Just read that back. Talk about sitting on the fence!!

wordsmith · 09/06/2005 16:35

(Thats me I mean Pruni, not you)

Original poster
Slink · 09/06/2005 17:11

Thank you we have asked dd would she like another baby and she has said NO she would prefer a cat!!!!!

OP posts:
ninah · 09/06/2005 17:16

yeah, ds wants a motorbike instead

Original poster
Slink · 09/06/2005 18:10

You have all been really helpful, a friend of mine told me yesterday that as i have a girl she will always be my friend and we will do things together and i hope so i have a fab relationship with my mum.

But your right it is a personnel choice and i have harrassed my dh like mad for the last three yrs and he has been a gem and then i am at that oh she is sleeping through the night i have a social life ..........

Gothismama is one enough for you???

Thank you all for your advice.xxxx

OP posts:
oaktree · 09/06/2005 18:24

I've just discoverd that I am unlikely to be able to have another child, I am devastated by the thought that our gorgeous DS will be an only child; neither me nor DH have a clse relationship woth our siblings despite our best efforts. I am struugling very hard to come to terms with this - although I wish I could be happy and content with what we've got, I feel greedy and selfish for wanting more. I am trying to look for the positives via this thread!

Trixie1 · 09/06/2005 18:39

oh Oaktree, 12 years I tried and resorted to Ivf at 40 Yrs of age. I assume you have considered this route (sad)

oaktree · 10/06/2005 06:56

Hi trixie
I think because my eggs are no longer considered to be of decent quality, IVF would be a non starter, and my age would rule out me qualifying for anything else. thanks for the thought and sorry for thread hijacking!

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