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Is this over protective ?(long, but I've split it into paragraphs so it is more readable!)

79 replies

handlemecarefully · 07/06/2005 00:05

Dh has qualified (again) for an all expenses paid work junket (he has a self employed contract affiliated to a multi tied finance organisation). The work junket is to - jeez, I can't even remember, a lovely city in Europe (it's late, it might come to me in a minute). It is for 5 days and covers me and him (not the kids). It will be 5* luxury and FOC

I did go with him to Rome last year and left the children with my mum for 4 nights.

I'm not keen to do it on this occasion because mum is 72 and in failing health (dad is older and pretty damn useless). She has had hypertension for years plus angina, but things went the other way recently and she suffered seriously low bp (which still isn't corrected) and was admitted to CCU for a couple of days after a 999 call. Her bp still isn't fixed, she is still experiencing black outs and she is booked in for 24 hour ECG and stress testing.

The kids are nearly 3 and just turned 1. Crikey they tire me out and I'm a healthy 37 year old. Don't think it is right to expect mum to take them for 4 days.

My dh's parents are in their 70's too - and his mum is suffering health problems too.

Dh suggested SIL instead, but she is single, has no kids, is a manic depressive (but controlled at the moment) and although she is excellent for babysitting for a night, she really wouldn't cut it caring for both of them for 5 days. I know she isn't up to the job. I'll expand if you want me to.

Dh keeps telling me how disappointed he is with me and that I am being obstructive and unreasonable in refusing to go etc. Getting big time grief over it. Have told him that I am happy for him to go solo.

What's your take on it?

OP posts:
morocco · 07/06/2005 00:24

that is so crappy

if only we ran the world . . .

handlemecarefully · 07/06/2005 00:26

Absolutely GeorginaA - if the youngest was a couple of years older (say he was approaching 3 and his sister 5) I would be happier about foisting them on friends. So for me it is an issue of not just yet rather than not ever.

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GeorginaA · 07/06/2005 00:26

Heh, yeah. It'd be the mums that went on junkets with full creche facilities and it'd be up to us to decide if we let our menfolk join us

Well, that's what I'd do if I ran the world.

Well... that and end world poverty of course.

Oh and I'd fix those nasty environmental problems too.

handlemecarefully · 07/06/2005 00:28

Shall we co-write a manifesto?

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morocco · 07/06/2005 00:29
Grin
GeorginaA · 07/06/2005 00:29

sounds good to me

Skribble · 07/06/2005 00:30

At a different level all my hubby's work do's don't even have partners at them. I have always felt left out as I didn't work for companies that had nights out etc.

A lot of them involve staying the night so I end up doing the jealous wife bit. I think I will have to come up with some trips away for my fledgeling business, maybe a toy exhibition .

GeorginaA · 07/06/2005 00:32

EEP! Is it really half midnight?!

Okay, off to bed. Hope you find a good solution in the morning, hmc. Certainly think you deserve a trip away, but somewhere else if this is going to be more of a stress and a worry about the kids than a chance to relax.

hugs

fatmomma · 07/06/2005 00:34

I think your dh is being totally unreasonble here. Surely it won't affect his career if his wife can't attend all his work related social functions??? It's not like you are saying that he can't go either.

He should be consoling you for missing out on another trip, not giving you a hard time. Git!

handlemecarefully · 07/06/2005 00:34

newbarnsleygirl,

Just belatedly responding to your post below - no that wasn't insensitive at all; in fact just my worry exactly (something happens to mum, and dad not there ...or even that he is there, but predictably goes to pieces...)

Skribble - your hubby's work do's sound a bit off! - not even partner to attend. Crikey!

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handlemecarefully · 07/06/2005 00:36

Lol fatmomma

That's kind of what I've been thinking some of the time - git!

But then, I sort of understand why he is disappointed. His heart is sort of in the right place - he thinks it would be good for us to have a romantic break together without the children and that this is the opportunity...but I am afraid that he is not being very realistic.

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handlemecarefully · 07/06/2005 00:37

Night all, and thanks for all your advice.

Must go to bed - have to be up at 6.15 tomorrow...

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Skribble · 07/06/2005 00:39

I suppose I am being inconsistant as I have a work night out coming up dinner and theatre show and definatly no partners Hehe . God forbid he complains about this!!!!

fatmomma · 07/06/2005 00:43

As is often the case with friends dh's I can see where he is coming from, just wish men were better at expressing things! They always seem to direct their anger/frustration at the wrong people.

There have been some good practical suggestions on here though - would you be happy for SIL to have the kids if she had MIL staying with her to help.

I know what you mean about it seeming like a lot to ask people. I feel awkward asking friends to sit for one night. Organising your own family is enough hardwork for most of us!

Good luck & I hope hubby stops throwing his silly strop soon!!!

charleepeters · 07/06/2005 07:14

hmc- it seems you dont have alot of choice wether you go or not! if you dont feel that theres anyone suitable to llok after your children for the week then you cant go, you wouldnt enjoy yourself if you were constantly worried about the kids surley????

why cant your dh go alone im sure hewould still have fun?

happymerryberries · 07/06/2005 07:17

awful to miss the trip, but I don't think that I would go. I was in a similar situation when my mum was too frail to look after my dd. In the end I had to upset my mum and not leave dd with her. Much as I didn't want to upset my mum, my dds safety was more important. Difficult though.

lemonice · 07/06/2005 07:58

I think that your parents might find it quite stressful and intimidating have a nanny in the house with the children as well, but obviously you know whether they would.

I guess having a nanny to your home is not feasible because the children might not settle with a stranger.

So I think it doesn't seem possible this time, sadly.

Very frustrating that the company chooses this reward regardless of whether employees can take it up.

But another 18 months and you should be able to go...it will be really extra special by then!

Blackduck · 07/06/2005 09:03

HMC - I think the nanny idea might be worth pursuing - otherwise, from what you have said it doesn't seem like a goer. I sometimes think men just don't 'get it' and think we are being difficult just for the sake of it. From your first post you have obviously thought it through and don't think it is doable. Cr*p company thou'.

WideWebWitch · 07/06/2005 09:07

God, haven't read the thread but imo your dh is damn lucky that you don't mind him going on his own while you offer to do full time childcare for 5 days! Really, my dp would acknowledge that I was doing him a huge favour letting him go, that he would be having a great jolly and would reciprocate when he got back, if I wanted some days or time to myself. It doesn't really sound as if your parents are capable tbh.

pixiefish · 07/06/2005 09:07

I wouldn't leave dd 16 months with anyone for 5 days- she's much too much work. Especially parents who are in their 70's or SIL- even if she wasn't on medication- she's not used to kids.

pixiefish · 07/06/2005 09:07

I wouldn't leave dd 16 months with anyone for 5 days- she's much too much work. Especially parents who are in their 70's or SIL- even if she wasn't on medication- she's not used to kids.

Issymum · 07/06/2005 09:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

TracyK · 07/06/2005 09:33

I'm having the same debate with dh - and its just for 1 night! dh has an industry dinner in a hotel with no baby listening - so he has asked mil and my mum to come down for the weekend and to babysit for the friday night. They can't do it because of other commitments - so i've said I wasn't going to go to the dinner. what a strop he pulled! I wouldn't enjoy it at the best of times - so how I would I enjoy it knowing ds was being looked after by one of his friends? (female with no children).
I don't think men have the same protective instincts as we do and can switch off from babies/kids when they are away from them.
I'd investigate the nany option and then at least he can see that you are making an effort to find a solution - then maybe he won't be too hurt if it doesn't work out this time.

Ellbell · 07/06/2005 10:15

I think Issymum's idea is a great one. Your kids stay in a familiar situation, with gran on hand too, but without your mum having to take all the responsibility. My best friend and I have only just started asking one another to have the kids for a night (but not more than one night so far) if we have to go to non-child-friendly things (wedding, etc.), but my dds are now 5 and 3, so it's a bit easier to manage. (Also they are both madly in love with her ds, so it's easy to 'sell' them the idea!!!!) In your situation, handlemecarefully, if the nanny idea didn't come off I'm afraid I wouldn't go (reluctantly). I don't think it's fair on your mum to leave them with her. (Incidentally, an older friend of mine had that thing where high bp suddenly dropped and went extremely low and she ended up in hospital. Very scary and it took a while to get it sorted out, but she has now got it under control again...)

handlemecarefully · 07/06/2005 21:12

Ummm well dh is now suggesting that the cleaner has them for 5 days! - not too sure about that one. She is great with the kids and is genuinely fond of them (buys them b'day presents etc) and she did look after them one long Saturday afternoon when we went to the footie, very successfully...but residential at her house.?...I haven't even met her husband.

I suppose I could ask her if she would stay at my house and look after them...she 'house sits' for another of her clients. And maybe we could buy me a return ticket to come home separately after 3 days (so I don't stay the whole 5). What do you think?

It's St Petersburg by the way...

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